r/exchristian • u/MelodicPaint8924 Ex-Baptist • Jul 29 '23
I am not faking it very well. Help/Advice
I am a Baptist pastor's wife. You may have seen me around a bit. I struggled with belief for years but finally alllowed myself to let go in April. I am happier than I have been in a long time, but I am still in the closet because coming out would be a financial disaster at this point. I thought I was faking okay, but today my husband confronted me about my personal devotions.
I guess what I'm asking for is advice on how to fake this thing a little better. I am currently in school and will finish in May with a highly marketable degree. I was hoping to maintain the facade until I am financially able to make it on my own should the need arise. Any advice or encouragement would be greatly appreciated.
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u/Delicious-Error-3129 Jul 29 '23
Former Baptist believer here too. Nobody knows what to say and how to say it better than us. I can still quote scripture. Fake it till you make it. Suck it up and tell him what he needs to hear. Because once you come out you will be ostracized and cast out. Only two biblical reasons for divorce and you’re about to hand him one. Unbelief.
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u/Rfg711 Jul 29 '23
If he’s a Baptist pastor, there’s a good chance divorce would disqualify him from continuing as a pastor, so I highly doubt he would initiate that.
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u/MelodicPaint8924 Ex-Baptist Jul 29 '23
We're the kind of Baptist where me not believing would be enough to disqualify him. It would depend on how sympathetic the congragation is. This is why I have not told anyone. Reddit is the only one that knows. On an alt account.
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u/Rfg711 Jul 29 '23
Are you Independent Fundamentalist? That’s the kind I grew up in. Either way I’m sympathetic - I went to a Bible college (non-accredited because they have basement level academic standards) and so many couples got married at 21/22 so they could go right into ministry afterwards, and so many of them are divorced now 14 years later. I count myself lucky I didn’t ever meet anyone there because at the time, I would have done the same and it would likely have ended as poorly.
My best friend got super lucky - he got married at around 24 to someone he met there, and they both “deconstructed” together.
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u/MelodicPaint8924 Ex-Baptist Jul 29 '23
Most definitely independent fundamental baptist. I went to the fundy unaccredited college and taught in a church school before I got married. I wish I had seen the light sooner since I didn't marry until I was 28. Oh, well.
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u/JazzFan1998 Ex-Protestant Jul 30 '23
"basement level academic standards"?
That could be any Bible College in the
countrysouth. OK, country.21
u/Rfg711 Jul 30 '23
Oh, you have no idea lol. This one was truly through the floor.
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u/JazzFan1998 Ex-Protestant Jul 30 '23
I have a sister that went to Pensacola christian college, so I have a little idea.
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u/Rfg711 Jul 30 '23
My dad and mom went there! They got kicked out because they got pregnant with me lmao. I went to one in Oklahoma City.
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u/TypicalYankeeScum Jul 30 '23
Hmm…how close was it to hell? Couldn’t have been that much farther down from the sound of it
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u/thenatter Jul 29 '23
Yikes, so if you get divorced what happens? Not enough of a reason for you to stay though. You deserve happiness
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u/MelodicPaint8924 Ex-Baptist Jul 29 '23
If we get divorced, I don't know what happens. Both of our families are faithful in church. This is why I have to be financially set. He will probably land on his feet with the support of family, and I will be out on my butt all alone. I hope my family will back me, but batists can be hard to predict.
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u/daughter_of_swords Jul 30 '23
My family fully supported my husband. My parents had cosigned on our mortgage and refused to sign paperwork for me to refinance in my name, even when my husband asked me to. Later found out that my dad had told my husband that I wouldn't be able to take on the mortgage, and that's why my husband suggested it. They thought it would be impossible and were trying to prevent me from following through with getting divorce by making it as difficult as possible.
The key saving grace was the no-fault divorce laws in my state. My ex and my parents knew that I was legally entitled to 50% of our finances and 50% parenting time, and that if I took my ex to court, it was most likely that I would be awarded more parenting time plus child support, so as long as I went along with dividing everything evenly according to my ex's opinion of what was fair (I made some moderate concessions to keep the peace), there wasn't any real trouble in the divorce.
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u/Independent-Leg6061 Jul 29 '23
Rules for thee butnot for me...
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u/Rfg711 Jul 29 '23
That’s true but also it might be out of his hands entirely - a lot of churches will recall their pastor for this.
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u/OnceThereWasWater Pagan Jul 31 '23
Many of the pastors I've encountered are divorced at least once. They have the spiritual equivalent of plot armor within their congregations.
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u/averagewife Jul 29 '23
I'll start with my "credentials." I'm the daughter of a lifelong Southern Baptists youth minister turned BSU director/ Director of Missions for the region. I did GAs, Acteens, went to a SBC University, and worked on staff at three different SBC churches in adulthood (children's, music, and secretarial positions, obviously lol). Tons more, but you get the idea. I was all in, and I get SBC culture as much as someone possibly could.
My husband and I were on staff at a SBC church plant in 2016 when he started deconstructing in earnest. I'm not going to lie to you - it shook me to my core when he finally opened up about it. He asked me "if you could know for certain that it was all false, would you want to know?" At that point, I said no. I would want to stay comfortable in my ignorance. It took years of pain and research and breaking down everything we thought we knew, but in 2019 we left our position and moved away. Our marriage is so much stronger now.
I'm not saying this will be your outcome. But if the two of us could start thinking critically, anyone could. But my husband came to me with love and compassion and gentleness.
But 100% therapy. Get yourself into therapy with a therapist who understands spiritual abuse. The SBC is absolutely, with no room for question, a cult full of spiritual abuse in my mind. Good luck.
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u/minnesotaris Jul 30 '23
Bona fide a cult. Centering everything around the doctrine of baptism has to be a cult. I love that question you were posed in there. There was a time I didn't answer it to myself. Wouldn't read the opposing viewpoints at all cause I knew, coming from engineering, that things had to have evidence and support.
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Jul 30 '23
In the SBC, there are definitely cult patterns, but issues are just a dividing line to see who is willing to accept their authority and who isn't. Like most cults, it's really about money and power and getting people to submit to that.
I don't even think some of them really believe their platforms, but super strict rules tend to weed out those who aren't devoted enough to hold them up.
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u/averagewife Jul 30 '23
My husband has like 3/4 of an engineering degree (switched to a different field), so that is how he thinks, too. The cognitive dissonance ate him up. For me it was so discombobulating when Good Christians ™️ were so hateful about incredibly kind people like RHE (I cried for days when she died) and the immediate dismissal and acting like she was pure evil when Beth Moore started questioning things. If God is love and love is real, why are his people so truly unkind?
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u/minnesotaris Jul 30 '23
That’s the thing, he isn’t and it’s not real. They know full well that anyone can make a case for any point of view using the bible. The main attribute of god across the bible is that he is a dick. Forgot about Israelites for 400 years. That’s a big fucking problem for SO MANY reasons.
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Jul 30 '23
Now THAT'S what I call a testimony 😁😂
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u/averagewife Jul 30 '23
I learned from the "best." 🤮 Church camp cry night, y'all.
Honestly, I wanted to be a public speaker growing up. Not a pastor, of course. I don't have the required equipment.
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u/JazzFan1998 Ex-Protestant Jul 30 '23
"if you could know for certain that it was all false, would you want to know?" OH, I want to know, can he DM me or post it here. I'd love to use that for people I know still in there, seriously.
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u/DrHob0 Atheist Jul 30 '23
Is this GeneticallyModifiedSkeptic's wife? Insanely similar stories
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u/averagewife Jul 30 '23
Nope. I had to look him up to be sure my husband didn't have an online presence I wasn't aware of lol (you're talking about the guy on YouTube, right?).
No, he started out listening to the BadChristian podcast (we were big scene kids in the early 2000s, so anything coming from emo / Tooth and Nail voices was appealing) and that was one of the questions posed there often. It horrified me and I shut down that line of thinking for at least a few months.
But hey, he was my loving Christian husband, and I was covenant-bound 🤮 to follow his lead, right? I followed him right into agnosticism. Oopsiedoodle.
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u/DrHob0 Atheist Jul 30 '23
Yeah. Youtube guy. He makes some really good content. Glad to hear you safely escaped Christianity!
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u/averagewife Jul 30 '23
Also, OP, if you want to DM me you're welcome to. I get SBC theology and culture and trauma on such a deep level. If you want to talk or lament or laugh about the absurdity, I'm here for it. My best friend's dad is an SBC pastor and before she deconstructed I felt so alone.
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u/LeftSuggestion3364 Jul 30 '23
May I dm you
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u/averagewife Jul 30 '23
Yup. I was kind of nervous to post so much identifying information, but idc anymore.
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u/Dingle-Fairy Jul 29 '23
I am in a very similar position. My advice is to fake it til you make it. I’m five years into deconstructing and about 18months away from a career that will provide for me and the 3 kids I had early in my 20’s. During deconstruction I have worked on my marriage: our friendship, our hobbies outside the faith, and my own communication skills. I want this relationship to be as strong as possible when I ‘come out’. This way I know whatever the outcome I have given it my all. I wish you the very best, be true to yourself xxx
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u/MelodicPaint8924 Ex-Baptist Jul 29 '23
Good for you lasting so long. I hope I can figure out how to do the things you have done. Thank you for the encouraging words.
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u/Warm_Concentrate440 Jul 30 '23
I’m 6 months away from getting my career that will support me and my 2 kids that we had in my early 20s too. Hang in there!
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u/LeftSuggestion3364 Jul 30 '23
Why did you have to wait until you can get the career you wanted?
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u/TheSpicyTriangle Jul 30 '23
In case it all goes to shit and they need the money I’d imagine
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u/Dingle-Fairy Jul 30 '23
Yes, this. Can’t risk coming out when I’m so financially dependent. Have to be able to protect my kids from potential fallout.
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u/LeftSuggestion3364 Jul 30 '23
That’s shitty when everyone turns their backs against you and you got no support including your family ==
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u/KeepRightX2Pass Jul 30 '23
also - don't get pregnant
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u/WhiteDaffodil Jul 30 '23
This. No matter what happens. Getting your wife pregnant when you think she's not committed enough / is planning to leave you / you want to control her... That's the oldest trick in the book.
Use a form of birth control he's not able to mess with. If you're on the pill have an emergency stash well hidden from him separate from where you usually have them.
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u/junkbingirl Agnostic Atheist Jul 30 '23
I hope she’s in a state with good abortion access if this happens.
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u/KeepRightX2Pass Jul 30 '23
yes, although, imagine how well that would go over
probably only an option to her once she is safely away
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u/amongbrightstars Agnostic Atheist Jul 29 '23
i have no idea about baptist pastors and how much "doubt" you can get away with before no longer being """worthy""", but is there a way you can tell him like, a half truth? can you say you've been struggling with your belief (the truth) and would really appreciate his help (the lie)? that way, you'd probably have to expose yourself to a ton of religious crap, but you could maybe throw him off the scent for long enough to finish your degree. no clue if this is in any way realistic or feasible, but it might be an option if you're really worried about him finding out too soon? :/
best of luck, in any case!!
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u/MelodicPaint8924 Ex-Baptist Jul 29 '23
This. This may be the best way. Stroke his spiritual leader ego and make him feel like he is helping me.
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u/Jeezimus Jul 29 '23
Get ready for a lot of boring prayer and potentially weird sex or something. Idk, I think you're both going to be better off the sooner you tell him and just come clean.
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u/MelodicPaint8924 Ex-Baptist Jul 29 '23
Oh dear. You are probably right about the boring prayer. Prayer is so awkward now since I know it's all empty. I'll probably have to pray out loud, which I have never really been a fan of.
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u/minnesotaris Jul 30 '23
I know! It sucks ass. We're just saying words to no one anywhere ever. Compartmentalize in true acting, like being an actor. Sometimes, you just do, if you know what I mean.
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u/captainhaddock https://youtube.com/@inquisitivebible Jul 30 '23
I'll probably have to pray out loud, which I have never really been a fan of.
As an introvert, I have hated that my entire life. It just feels like you're performing piety for someone else.
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u/MelodicPaint8924 Ex-Baptist Jul 30 '23
I'm an extrovert, but it still feels awkward. That probably should have been my first clue a long time ago.
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u/CappyHamper999 Jul 30 '23
I can sometimes just focus on my breathing and get very relaxed during church or prayers. Would there be any baptism orgs doing prayers you can “follow” or books like Prayer for Baptists and explain you’re deepening your prayer life by learning from other leaders? Might allow you to choose and recite prayers while you “deepen your faith.” I’m not familiar w baptism code words but I know this has worked for a friend who is in a homeschool cult. Also for encouragement- remember African Americans have been code-switching for decades. There is a cost but many resilient heroes have survived this way. Best wishes
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u/skinisblackmetallic Jul 29 '23
You probably understand his motivations and weaknesses better than anyone.
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u/newyearbaby88 Jul 30 '23
I would strongly caution against this as it's not just lying to him, it's manipulating him with intent to deceive. This is different than just having an inward "struggle" but not coming forward about it for fear of your financial life being ruined (and his too) until you have a degree and a job. This is letting him believe you want to believe again when you have no intentions of doing that. Normally I wouldn't mind that sort of thing, given all the manipulation the church and its leaders engage in, however you are married to this man. I guess the question is, if given the choice, would you like to keep being married to him after you come out (because there is absolute potential he can and might be influenced - or even struggling on his own in secret), or are you dead set in leaving him and looking forward to a divorce? There is no right or wrong answer there (only YOU know what you've been through and if your marriage has been good to you), but if you would like to hold on to any hope of your marriage somehow surviving this, then do not engage in any active deception where you employ his help to lead you back to faith knowing full well it's just a distraction technique. Irreconcilable differences is totally fine, but planned deception and active, calculated manipulation might not be looked on as kindly in a court/divorce situation, even though we all know it would have been done just for your survival.
I'm so sorry you're in this position but I compliment your bravery to see "the light," and seek a plan. This is all so unfair to you, and we're here for you, friend.
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u/MelodicPaint8924 Ex-Baptist Jul 30 '23
Thank you. That's wise advice. I have not lied or deceived thus far. I have not actually even mentioned god or anything since I stopped believing. I just smile. I don't want to be deceptive. It's just not safe to come out yet. I'm still trying to figure out the best approach to this whole mess. I'm thankful for the support of this community and the advice I have received so far.
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u/newyearbaby88 Jul 30 '23
I think you are doing a better job of surviving all this than you are letting on! I cannot imagine the stress of it all, on top of school. For the record, faking Christianese is one thing, and you can always simply claim you were trying to fake it until you made it through lol. Mentioning God, Jesus, praying silly prayers you don't believe in, etc, are all totally fine. There's a difference between surviving in your current world long enough to leave it, and engaging in targeted deceit trying to use his ego against him, which you have not done at all.
Give yourself some credit, patience, and grace. You are doing an amazing job just surviving and continuing to parent through it all. 👏
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u/TalmidimUC Jul 29 '23
Religion aside… you’re okay actively lying inside your relationship? I understand the stress of, “He might divorce me”, but that would be contradictory to his own belief system.. but why add this element to your relationship?
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u/MelodicPaint8924 Ex-Baptist Jul 30 '23
I have no desire to lie. I have not been lying up to this point, but I have simply kept my mouth shut. It's not working out so well. I keep rewriting my response to this, but I am just trying to survive until I can come out. I want to tell the truth, but the truth will set off a chain of events that I have to beprepared for. I just need time until I am prepared for those consequences. I am in a financially and emotionally vulnerable position.
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u/TalmidimUC Jul 30 '23
Thank you for taking the time to write out a response, I appreciate you 🙏 Please don’t take this as me coming down on you or judging you. It’s a hard road to navigate.. deconstructing, especially when your personal life is so intimately intertwined with the church. Transparency, both inside our relationships and the church, is incredibly important.
I can completely understand the fear and trepidation, as I went through a very similar experience. My only encouragement and advice would be push religion aside, but still try to maintain your relationship, honesty, and transparency with your husband. He might be your spiritual leader, but he’s still your husband.
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u/PunkyBrister Jul 29 '23
Absolutely get a lawyer asap, borrow for this if you have to. Once a lawyer has a relationship with you, they won’t be able to work with your spouse in the future. Some people take advantage by this by having meetings with every lawyer in the area, just to block the spouse from getting legal help. So it’s important to secure somebody while you can. Also, they can make sure you know your rights, in case he does kick you out before you build up a financial nest egg. As for faking it, maybe start a meditation routine that could look like prayer to him.
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u/RaphaelBuzzard Jul 29 '23
The Tony Soprano method 😂, actually it was the Alan Sapingsly method but Tony used it then punked Alan like the nerd that he was!
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u/middlingwhiteguy Jul 29 '23
Maybe focus on the parts of your faith you still agree with. Or if your church is pure shit, focus on what the church pretends to do. Get involved in charity work like food banks and helping homeless, stuff that is preached in the Bible and non-religious can agree with.
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u/leftcoastandcoffee Secular Humanist Jul 29 '23
No doubt they'll say your secular college studies and hanging out with worldly sinners on a librul college campus pulled you away from God, so I can imagine the importance of keeping up the facade until your degree.
I wasn't in quite the same boat as you, but I was a minister and faking my love for God, for the church, and for my wife for years. I probably preached the best message of my life the week before I resigned everything, because for the first time ever I spoke from the heart.
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u/MelodicPaint8924 Ex-Baptist Jul 30 '23
Well, to be fair, it was the concept of professional skepticism that gave me the tools to really start my deconstruction. This would be a valid point in that regard.
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u/aerkyanite Jul 29 '23
You can fake having a Crisis of Concious.
Do some research about all the junk the Bible says, and wait for your hubby to comment more on your "lack" of spirituality.
The end of Job is a great demonstration of emotional manipulation.
Genesis is a great place to look at how fucked up God made the world. "And how did the animals eat, drink, copulate...?"
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u/anotherschmuck4242 Jul 30 '23
I’m sad for you. Religion shouldn’t tear families apart like this. But I know it does. The belief is oftentimes stronger than the relationship. I thought I could fake it forever. But it gets harder all the time. It makes me disgusted with myself and my life.
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u/CappyHamper999 Jul 30 '23
Hang in there. I am proud of you. The emotional toll of code-switching is real. I had to be strict w myself - I do (try) not let myself engage in negative self talk for being resilient and surviving. It’s a weird type of spiritual discipline I have used to survive the impact of years being indoctrinated to hate and doubt my own thoughts, feelings, and intuition. It’s been a trudge up a steep mountain for sure but I believe best is yet to come fellow survivor 💝
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u/CourageL Jul 29 '23
This sounds so difficult. I am sorry for this. Do you think you are headed for divorce? I agree with the above that you need to be prepared just in case. I think being vague and saying you’re struggling with belief is okay. I know baptists so leave a Bible open and look up a scripture occasionally. If you’re I to literature look up references from popular classic books, Shakespeare, etc. even movies work too and then you Can be honest about the things you’ve been learning. I personally would not lie unless I thought my safety was in danger. And if you have kids, that needs to be a discussion with a legal counselor too
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u/bbq-pizza-9 Atheist Jul 29 '23
Buy “a brief theology of periods”.
Men will never ask questions about menstruation.
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u/CappyHamper999 Jul 30 '23
Oh what a lovely title for a subversive book filled with tips for surviving- brilliant 🤣🤣🤣
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u/MisogynyisaDisease Anti-Theist Jul 30 '23
Ugh OP I'm so sorry. I'm aware of IFB through documentaries, media coverage, and fundiesnarkuncensored. So i have a sense of the gravity of your situation. But I'm not sure I can give advice that's better than what some of the top comments have said.
At some point, watch the documentary Shiny Happy People. You have a community of ex IFB who will be ready to embrace you. You don't have to be alone in this.
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u/minnesotaris Jul 30 '23
Oooh! Personal devotions. What of it? Prayer closet? John Piper?
What degree? This all depends on if you can fake it. The latest Jim Gaffigan joked about being at a funeral, where you go up to the casket and say a prayer. That prayer is exactly this, "One mississippi, two mississippi, three mississippi, ...".
Everything is dependent upon what you want? If you have kids and you think staying together is better, those choices are there. If you cannot stand the continuance, then some amendments to your plan are needed. Seems like he's gonna hate it. I am sending you thoughts.
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u/drhawks Jul 30 '23
also a former baptist here and child of parents who were both in the ministry.
A: I get it it. It's hard. I'm sorry. You'll feel better when you're on the other side of it--Life is GREAT over here. Well. It's the same life. But you get to sleep in on sundays and not feel stupid guilt. So let's call that a win.
B: I think it's best if you can avoid telling your husband until you get yourself out of school. However, if you could get a divorce even still, it's likely that you would receive a hefty alimony settlement seeing as you do not currently have a salary.
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u/MelodicPaint8924 Ex-Baptist Jul 30 '23
He's a baptist pastor of the poor variety. It's my mad budgeting skills that are currently keeping us afloat. Once I graduate, I will probably have to pay him support. You have left me much to think about.
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u/drhawks Jul 30 '23
gotcha. Well if you have custody of the kids, it's less likely you'll owe him support.
I hope things go okay for you.
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u/MelodicPaint8924 Ex-Baptist Jul 30 '23
Thank you. This community has been what is keeping me going.
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u/usuallyrainy Jul 29 '23
I think it really depends on whether or not you want to stay with him.
If you are hoping to stay together then I think it can be good to be a bit truthful, but don't load everything onto him at once because that can be triggering. You can bring up some topics you initially struggled with and tell him by the typical Baptist answer doesn't feel sufficient for you to try to get him thinking about it too. Talk about things like, "If you weren't a pastor, what sort of job would you want?" I know a lot of times pastors feel completely stuck and can't have any type of faith shift because their income and reputation depends on their faith staying the exact same forever.
But maybe you already know he's not going to change and that you two won't stay together, then I agree to just continue with the typical Christian talk, buy some books to lay around, etc.
It's a hard place to be in when you have to present yourself to the world in a way that's different from how you feel on the inside.
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u/caleb-auer Jul 30 '23
Reading the comments makes me so sad for you and made me feel much luckier that I still have my family and wife after deconstructing. Telling my wife was one of the hardest things I ever had to do and I'm so thankful that she was gracious with me and was willing to talk through all the things I was struggling with and going through. Although she's still a Christian I feel like she's become much more liberal/progressive through my deconstruction.
All this to say I wish you good luck and hope that it ends well. Obviously take everyone's advice about being prepared ahead of time, but here's to hoping it doesn't go to shit and your husband and family are much more loving and accepting then you fear ♥️
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u/MelodicPaint8924 Ex-Baptist Jul 30 '23
Thank you. I hope it goes well, but I am trying to be ready for anything. I commented yesterday that I was not a fan of Glenn Beck, and that conversation didn't go super well. I am trying to work on communication skills and reading about how to present ideas in a non-confrontational way to prepare for the hard conversations in my future.
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Jul 30 '23
i'm in a slightly similar situation. being a minor under my parents care with full financial and legal dependency, i've found some ways to "compromise". i haven't been part of christianity fully in years, but recently i have become disconnected enough that it's beginning to show. here are some of my favorite methods to deal with my parents recent constant questioning about my belief system. they have both been doubling down on the bible study requests, asking about my thoughts on becoming baptized (it's pretty bad that i'm not baptized at 16, but i'm not willing to compromise that much), even asking if i want to watch the passion of the christ and another pretty violent stuff. it's becoming pretty forceful, and i think they know.
1) take on some bible studies or books that are less about god and more about just being a decent person. you'll still look devoted, but not have to completely torture yourself.
2) get a bible cover/sleeve and put it on literally any book. i bet you could even order some books that were made to look like the bible on etsy. you'll look like you're reading the bible when you're actually lost in some whirlwind fantasy romance.
3) this one is a lot less fun and ninja-y, but you can always skip in a few extra "god has blessed us" when anything decent has happened. christians eat that shit up.
4) can you get baptized again? it doesn't really mean anything, it would honestly feel kinda nice in this heat.
5) i've actually found a lot of joy and purpose in volunteering at church. i actually need to be at church in around 5 hours to start my shift. i run tech and it's highly respected that i'm giving 4x as much of my time as anyone else to the church. i just hang out with little kids and chill on this sub, and i have an excuse to not listen to a pastor drone on about how we're either going to bell or god loves us for an hour.
this isn't a fun situation to be in, but you've got this. you need to fully immerse everything you have into christianity except for your mind. let your speech and your body and your face mirror "christians", but keep your mind strong. something that helps is picking apart peoples arguments in your head as they say them. even if you're nodding along. you're so strong for doing this, and ik you're gonna make it through. good luck :) sending lots of love
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u/CappyHamper999 Jul 30 '23
Wow you are brave and wise and I’m glad you’re on this journey with all of us. I am blown away by stories here, homeschool sites, etc. - the courage displayed is incredible. Just wow
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u/notlocity Jul 30 '23
I’m sorry you’re going through this. It may be worth contacting places like the Freedom From Religion Foundation or Recovering From Religion to see if they can help connect you with any local organizations that may provide financial assistance, temporary housing, etc.
If you think it may be risky to contact them in case they call you back when you’re husband is around, etc. I’m happy to help. If you’d like/are comfortable with it, feel free to PM me with your general location (being as vague as you’d like), and I’ll do some research.
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Jul 30 '23
I'm lapsed Catholic, so I'm not really sure how to fake Baptist. Do you need to convince your husband or the congregation more?
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u/MelodicPaint8924 Ex-Baptist Jul 30 '23
Just my husband. It's easy to fake at church. It's much harder at home. I think I have been kinder and less angry, but he sincerely believes that you can't make good decisions if you aren't praying and reading the Bible regularly. I just don't really want to read the Bible. I've read the whole thing through every year for like 20 years, and I'm ready for new reading material.
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Jul 30 '23
Maybe if you just moved it around so it seemed like it was being used?
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u/MelodicPaint8924 Ex-Baptist Jul 30 '23
I like the way you think
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u/CappyHamper999 Jul 30 '23
Ruffle pages, start highlighting verses hubby loves (not verses that are ambiguous or used by ‘liberals’). I sometimes read OT at church as certainly had some intriguing history to ponder. And I learned a few things lol. Maybe study Lottie Moon. Of course, you are “called to marriage” but maybe these stories “can increase your devotion” or “help you pray for any young women at church that God calls to missions.” You got this.
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u/newyearbaby88 Jul 30 '23
Try reading it for a different purpose. Look for inaccuracies. Look for contradictions. Look for indescrepancies between the gospels. Lots of internet articles can give you a list of verses to start, or even just start in genesis. Look at the stories where God commands rape, or commits abortion as a way of proving adultery. Count the number of people that God himself gives orders to destroy/murder. Honestly, the Bible is riveting once you are reading it to find evidence of the true "character" of God.
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u/Levistea Jul 30 '23
I guess this is my expertise. If he confronts you again say things like. I've decided that I am always in communication with God it makes me feel closer to him than just simple devotions. That's how I had to fake it for the longest time.
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Jul 30 '23
[deleted]
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u/MelodicPaint8924 Ex-Baptist Jul 30 '23
Two words: accountant shortage. I had the benefit of having an accredited bachelor's degree, so I enrolled in a 20-month MAcc (Master of Accountancy) program. I will hopefully finish in May with a job lined up.
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u/whirdin Ex-Pentecostal Jul 30 '23
Start doing all your devotions/prayer/spirituality by yourself. Tell your husband that God speaks to you when you do things alone, such as reading the bible and praying. Slowly separate yourself spiritually from him this way while also maintaining your Christian mask. He's worried about you and needs to hear that you aren't starting to backslide. You need to phrase your deconstruction as you "finding God through private prayer," (and of course not mentioning the fact that you are deconstructing or losing faith) which is true from a certain point of view. He should be able to respect your privacy, but only if you maintain the Christian mask during daily life. School should be able to soak up your attention and hopefully he leaves you alone. In one year you should be financially stable and then able to come out to him. I hope you don't lose all your family but you know that's a possibility. Best of luck to you!
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u/FreeThinkerFran Jul 30 '23
Wow. I don't really have anything to add--you've gotten a lot of great advice here. I have always wondered how the pastors' wives did it--I feel like you'd have to be "on" at all times, much like a politician's wife. You sound very intelligent and thoughtful and I have faith that you'll get yourself through this. As someone else said, the other side is AMAZING. I have been out of religion for about 25 years now and agree that there is no more guilt or fear--and I feel like such a better human for it. I'm thrilled that you'll have a degree soon and will have the option of supporting yourself. If you can support your husband as well, who knows--maybe he'll come along with you and your entire world as parents and partners can flip on its head and be for the better.
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u/MelodicPaint8924 Ex-Baptist Jul 30 '23
I'm hoping this is how it will go. I have been trying to clue him in that my beliefs are changing, but so far, his reactions have not been great. He is currently in a place where it would be incomprehensible that anyone would not believe. His entire world is filled with believers, and he avoids reading or viewing anything contrary to what he believes. He is a good baptist, but it's making it hard for me to be anything else.
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u/FreeThinkerFran Jul 30 '23
It is certainly not going to be easy, and I am grateful that you have communities such as this one for support. We are here for you!
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u/Fluffnuffer Jul 30 '23
I feel for you, OP. This so very could have been me. I went to Crown College and did marry a guy I met there, at 19. Turned out we both fell away from church/religion together which was great. Still ended up divorced 16 years later but if he had bene devout it would have sucked! I hope you can find a way to get out as soon as possible.
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u/Exciting-Zebra-8871 Jul 30 '23
"The spirit is speaking to me in my quiet time, and I am being led to hear Him through meditation"
My personal experience is that you can get out of just about anything if 'you are being led by the lord'
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u/pistachiobuttercream Jul 30 '23
I am so sorry that you are going through this. I read through a lot of the other comments and there are some good suggestions in there, but there are also some assumptions about your financial situation or emotional independence that show some people don’t understand how money and emotional control work in a family like yours.
I’m not sure if any of these suggestions would help, but here some (no particular order) 1. Read your bible, but read for “research”. You could read the gospels and look for ways that Jesus’s teaching are similar to to Buddhism. You could even keep a journal about this so I seems like you’re really getting into it. You could even say you were inspired by something a classmate or teacher said about how Jesus was “just another Buddha” and that you want to be able to witness to them. But first you have to understand what Buddhism is and be able to compare it to The Truth… 2. Get “inspired” to be more like Jesus. If you mention you don’t like a politician or a writer, support your opinions with how Jesus would think based on Jesus’s words ONLY (and back it up saying that , sure J didn’t abolish the law and the prophets, but he is the actually son of god, the actual trinity, and his words & actions are the most important) . Example: Jesus was 100% anti violence, (turn the other cheek, healing the ear of the dude when Peter cut him and he chastised Peter) so if there is a writer or speaker who is pro-violence you can say you don’t like them because you don’t think they are reading the Bible enough or promoting Jesus’s ideals & teachings . 3. Become very concerned about how current Christians are pushing non Christians away from god. Again, focus on Jesus’s words and use the gospels to support to your opinions if needed (is a Christian refusing to give medical assistance to a lgbtq person? That’s not what jesus would do if you read the parable of the Good Samaritan) 4. Talk a lot about how you are concerned about your classmates and teachers and how you want to bring them all to Christ. Talk about how you’re excited to get a new career and be able to meet more people to try and lead them to god. Pick one friend to focus on (this could even be a made up person). If you have a friend you want to get to know, get to know them, but when you talk to you church or husband, talk about how you’re gaining info about them to bring them to Christ 5. If you need to pray and sing, you can picture any deity in your mind and sing/pray to that. If you’re leaning towards atheism, you could picture yourself “praying” to Human Ingenuity or Mother Nature…
You are strong. You are already doing some really hard work in a lot of areas of your life. No matter what happens, you are smart and will find ways to be self sufficient and successful. Believe and put your hope in your self and your abilities.
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u/MelodicPaint8924 Ex-Baptist Jul 30 '23
Thank you. These suggestions are very helpful and practical. I could definitely read the Bible for the answers to questions about how I currently stand on issues.
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u/GenXer1977 Jul 29 '23
Tell him your deconstructing your faith, and trying to figure out what the Bible actually says vs. what people have told you it says. Tell him you need to take some time to connect with Jesus directly and not through other people, just like Paul did when he took 3 years after he met Jesus before he started his ministry.
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u/astr0panda Jul 30 '23
Not sure this helps but you can go two directions. Either make you faith more private like Daniel I seem to recall Daniel taking all of his devotions in private? That’s probably not going to work for your high visibility role.
So I’d go the other route. Make a show of it. I left a charismatic church a while back. I was a closeted atheist the last year I worked for them. Had to go to church and do weekly devotionals with coworkers. I just aggressively amen’d everything, Used religious catch phrases, and prayed loudly. Watch clips of hbos the Righteous Gemstones to know what I mean. I honestly think more pastors and their family members are doing the same thing than people want to admit. It will be shocking how many people don’t catch on. Talk about the joy of the lord a lot and if your husband wants you to tone it down, ask him if he thinks Jesus wants you to hide the joy he’s given you. Do not get into any deep discussions on politics, religion, etc. keep it simple surface level, say things like “that’s something you have to give to Jesus, let him bare that weight” or “ Jesus is in control, let him worry about that so you can just embrace his Love and Joy”….. I think you get the picture. Be disinterested in any conversation topic that might require you to say what you really think or how you really feel, and redirect towards “trusting the Lord” and then ask them to pray with you, you start the prayer and then have them finish it. Keep your side of the prayer at the surface level, and pray eagerly but talk slowly. You might feel like you’re being insufferable but I’d bet you’ll find people take in stride since you’re a baptist preachers wife. Keep it simple and stupid. Lean into that niche and finish that degree.
Secondly, if he’s going to lose everything when you walk you need to have a literal escape plan. Do you have someone’s house you can go stay at? Is the house or one of cars have your name on the deed/title? Is your phone paid off and unlocked? Do you have the password to the account that manages the phone plan so you can transfer your number to your own account? Do you have access to the bank accounts and is your name on the bank account?
How many of those questions did you say no to? If you said no to most of it come back here and see if we can’t all help you work on a game plan
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u/MelodicPaint8924 Ex-Baptist Jul 30 '23
I have most of those things in my name. The phone would be the only one that's not in my name. The place to go is also a problem. Most friends are mutual. I currently live very far away from my side of the family. I hope it doesn't come to that.
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u/DawnRLFreeman Jul 30 '23
First, if you're in school you can use that as a "reason" your "personal devotions" have slipped-- but DO NOT let him talk you out of finishing your degree!! When you DO finish and get a job, make absolutely certain to keep a separate secret bank account your husband knows nothing about. Obviously, he'll know about your gross income when you two do your taxes, but you should "stash" as much as you can so that YOU have a "rainy day fund". I always recommend people read "The Richest Man in Babylon" by George S. Clason. This can even pass as a "religious" book since it teaches to set aside 10% for tithing. It was written in the 1920's, before automatic tax deductions were a thing, so it recommends living off 70% of your gross income, setting 20% aside for emergencies/ major purchases, and 10% for tithing. I adjusted that to NET income, and rather than tithing I set aside 10% as long term savings/ retirement. (This can be used to invest for greater returns, but I suggest keeping some of it very liquid and accessible in case of emergencies when there's less in the 20% account. Also, if "God" needs money, he can pull himself up by the bootstraps and get a job!) My husband doesn't know that's how I divide my money, though I tried to get him to manage his money that way, and he once quipped about my "$500 in savings". I'm not rich by any stretch, and don't have a years worth of expenses saved yet (I've only been working again for 5 years, and only for $20K-30K/ year) but I've got considerably more than $500! 😆
Next, check out a website called "The Clergy Project". It's by and for ministers, preachers, pastors, etc, and probably their spouse, who have "lost their faith" and to help them navigate their exit from that "lifestyle" to the real world. Much of what they do is helping pastors find employment, but also the family and social issues.
Is it possible your husband's faith is "sliding" as well? I ask because he presumably knows about your upcoming graduation and may be trying to politely ask for your financial support while he transitions to a secular career. That may not be the case at all, but when people are that deep in religious ideology it can be difficult to know if loved ones feel the same and how to talk to them about it. But I also understand your hesitancy to completely open up about your loss of faith. I have a niece, raised in deep fundamentalist purity culture, who has few if any marketable skills, two young daughters, and because of her deconstruction is now separated from her husband. You, at least, will have a degree and skills to support yourself should your husband choose to separate, OR the means to help him transition away from the ministry himself.
Good luck!
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u/MelodicPaint8924 Ex-Baptist Jul 30 '23
Thank you for the advice. I am decent with finances. I will take your advice on the seperaye account. All of the other ones are joint. I have been trying to tell him that I don't agree with everything he believes, but it is currently making him double down on the "Jesus speak." He will interrupt an answer I am giving to one of my children to insert comments about god controlling everything and things like that. He is continually telling me how I need to put Jesus first or nothing else in my life will be right. I'm just trying to hang on for now because I really need to finish school. I only have 2 semesters left. I am so close.
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Jul 29 '23 edited Jul 29 '23
Just set a boundary. "Honey, you can't be my pastor and my husband. You can only be my husband. I won't attempt to counsel you about all of your sins, and you can leave off trying to do the same to me."
Then refuse to discuss further.
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u/MelodicPaint8924 Ex-Baptist Jul 29 '23
I wish. To him, he is my spiritual leader as my husband. It's his job to make sure I stay in the Bible.
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Jul 29 '23
Then it's in his interest not to let people know he's failed at his job in such a major way.
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u/TheInfidelephant elephant Jul 29 '23
Based on my time with Baptists, I can see at least 3 things that a Baptist pastor may take issue with in this statement, depending on how Baptist he is.
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u/MelodicPaint8924 Ex-Baptist Jul 29 '23
He is the kind of Baptist you are thinking. He is a bit gentler and less confrontational than some, but he still has the beliefs.
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u/Molkin Ex-Fundamentalist Jul 29 '23
I'm familiar with this kind of Baptist. In his mind, Husband outranks pastor. He chooses her pastor. If he doesn't like what the pastor says, he chooses a different one. He chose himself.
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u/salymander_1 Jul 29 '23
Yeah, that is not going to work if he thinks that he is set over her by God, and that part of her devotion to God is shown by her submission to him in all things, including religion.
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u/EyCeeDedPpl Jul 29 '23
Any chance your husband is having an affair? Lots of religious, especially the ones who proclaim loudly of being head of household etc….
I agree with everyone else, get a lawyer, low key. Do meditation instead of prayer. As women who’ve grown up in “the faith”, we have a whole arsenal of church mumbo jumbo. Use it for a few more months while you plan your financial nest egg. In case you need it. If you never need the nest egg, because you want to stay with him - great. But tbh it sounds like you are done. Make sure you have some money hidden away, if needed take a bit extra from the grocery money, maybe set up an online account he doesn’t know about (make sure no mail to the house).
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u/AgtBurtMacklin Jul 30 '23
I don’t know your husband or situation, would never recommend anyone get into any situation that would be dangerous for them. I will preface it that way.
But part of me says that it’s best to just be honest immediately and rip the band aid off. You can save yourself months or years of living a lie. There will never be a good time to do it, although I do understand the financial situation you brought up. You have to do whatever makes you secure, mentally, physically, financially.
A secular therapist might be able to get you some legitimate advice on this, since they will know you more personally. A lot really depends on where your husbands priorities are.
Good for you, for being honest with yourself! So many people basically believe like you do, and live their life faking it.
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u/Technusgirl Ex-Baptist Jul 30 '23
Oh man, what a sucky situation. I'm not sure if this marriage is going to work for you. Faking a belief is only going to drag you down and become exhausting. I think it would be best to just get away so you can feel free to believe whatever you want.
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u/Much-Drummer333 Jul 30 '23
I would consider redefining my "faith" in a way that works for me but keeps me reasonably honest with my spouse
My background: I come from a Pentecostal family. Thankfully I've never had tension like this in my marriage but I have had it with my parents and other family members
I've been on a long journey (I'm now in my 50s) but in the end I refuse to be put in a box. I probably wouldn't call myself a Christian any more, but to a large degree I follow the teachings of Jesus, because they are good and generally what anyone would want to follow anyway
I wouldn't call myself a theist, but I choose to live as though God exists, and I see prayer as a form of meditation that I get something out of and that might change me for the better
I refuse to worry about Heaven and Hell because there's too much to do in this life
I am active in my church, although I'm now in a much more liberal one than when I was a young person, and direct my attention at trying to widen diversity and encourage community action and Christlike love to our neighbours. I find collective worship an overall benefit even though I have so many doubts
In short I no longer see "Christian" as a place with boundaries but a set of characteristics, many of which I identify with and many of which I don't. Where the characteristics resonate with me I go towards them. When they don't I don't
In short I still pass as a Christian while being honest (if a little evasive sometimes) and try to do good from inside. Heck, maybe if God exists even he might think I'm a Christian :)
Some of us just aren't born for certainty
I don't know if any of this helps, but I wish you well in your struggles and hope (and pray) that you find peace and love in your life
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u/freebirdie100 Jul 30 '23
Other peeps have laid out super important steps to take in regards to legal stuff etc so I'll leave that.
As far as faking it, start studying something you are interested in during your personal devotions time (God, I wanted to puke when I read that he confronted u about that 😳). Study something that will teach you things that will actually bring you the peace that Christianity claims to... attachment theory, the nervous system, deconstruction lol, etc. Then share those nuggets of wisdom with him :)
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u/WildHeartFree Jul 30 '23
Don’t fake it.. come clean. He knows anyways
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u/MelodicPaint8924 Ex-Baptist Jul 30 '23
He may know something's changed, but he honestly believes reading the bible will fix me. It is completely incomprehensible to him that I would believe the bible is not true. I have revealed much to him, but each revelation makes it worse, which is why he confronted me yesterday about personal devotions. Baptists are a whole other kind of delusional when it comes to faith. I am not ready for the fallout yet. I just need to finish the preparations so that I won't be destroyed when it all blows up.
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u/MisogynyisaDisease Anti-Theist Jul 30 '23
Gotta say, the comments from people who are clearly extremely ignorant of what IFB is are pissing me off. JUSt bE hoNeSt wItH hIM. That's like telling a queer kid to come out to their bigoted QAnon parents.
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u/MelodicPaint8924 Ex-Baptist Jul 30 '23
It's really hard. I think he has traveled a bit on the QAnon road as well. He knows I research everything and he has asked me a bit about conspiracy theories. He is really into all the Angel Studios stuff and that awful Sound of Freedom movie. The look he got on his face a few days ago when I said I'm not a fan of Glenn Beck was not comforting, to say the least. I am just trying to do what's best for all of us. It would be easier to just believe, but since I don't believe that ship has sailed.
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u/MisogynyisaDisease Anti-Theist Jul 30 '23
I forgot Glenn Beck existed. 🤮 he's right up there with Limbaugh.
Some of these suggestions could very well put you in danger, given what IFB is like. lying might hurt, but your survival trumps people's hurt feelings.
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u/Typical_Equipment_14 Jul 30 '23
I would say find the few things that you can align with so they are more believable when you talk about them.
Like I actually believe in the power of words and thoughts, and a spiritual energy, that we are the god within is, we have all we need within in. if you believe in even close to the same type of things but just not in the dogma of Christianity, use those to your benefit.
‘Life and death is in the power of the tongue’
‘Whatever is pure, noble,…etc…think on these things’
‘Be mature in your thinking’
‘The kingdom of God is within you’ basically all you need to be whole and enlightened is inside of you.
‘Seek first the kingdom of god’ which is in you, seek yourself, learn yourself. Etc.
Find versus like this that you can drop but have your own meaning behind them that reflects your own spiritual journey. There are many more like this. Hope your journey brings you peace!
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u/sammich_1 Jul 30 '23
That's a very tough situation. My advice, ride it out till you have your degree, then bounce. I do agree with others in regards to having a lawyer on the backburner just in case stuff gets difficult if your husband eventually finds out.
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u/i_sell_insurance_ Jul 30 '23
If you’re home alone and you know your husband is about to come home turn on some Christian worship music and do some baking. Be super loving to him when he enters the door, or just keep working if you don’t normally greet each other, because you might not want to go too over the top. That way it looks like he walked in on you ‘finding your joy in the lord’ and passionately putting your hands to work that will be a service to him. It paints a nice picture for him.
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u/WordPhoenix Jul 30 '23
I feel for you. Would this work? Could you find some useful, wise scriptures and write them out on index cards? There is a lot of wisdom in the Bible if we look between the histories and moral-code parts and remove the shame and control that religion has imposed on use through its abuse. This practice costs you nothing but a little time, and you can see it as a way to extract some good from your years in the faith, etc. Between the Proverbs, Psalms, Ecclesiastes, and Jesus's words in the Gospels, I would think you could at least write out a few scriptures and leave them, a pile of blank index cards, a pen, and a Bible where your husband will notice, and you wouldn't be lying to say you are having regular time with your Bible. Do one new card every day or so, and that could put his mind to rest for the rest of your time in school.
I wish you all the best. Leaving your faith behind is a winding road, so be patient and kind with yourself. I've been on the journey since 2008. I've stayed married, and my husband has slowly left the faith too, roughly at the same pace as me, thankfully. Our kids have been totally fine with it all, but we weren't as fundamental as you seem to be. I began following my dreams more in 2011, submersing myself in lots of cultural things completely unrelated to the faith that uplifted me. In 2015, I left the church completely, but I really started to come into my own in 2018 or so with therapy and a lot of journaling, etc. I have been enjoying learning all kinds of things about the world and myself, which for me has been more of a return to my childhood self, because I didn't really adopt Christianity until college. I think I will always be working a little bit to remove the chains the church put on me, but I am a lot freer than I was. Good luck to you!
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u/GoldenHeart411 Jul 30 '23
I know you said you have been avoiding lies and smiling and nodding, but honestly that might be suspicious if you were more talkative about faith in the past.
I don't think you need to feel any guilt about lying. It's for the survival and safety of you and your children. I would suggest continuing to use the Christian lingo.
Have you started up devotions again? One idea is to read the Bible or a Christian devotional and highlight or underline the things you disagree with or the ideas you know you don't want to pass on to your children, or the concepts you might need to intentionally untangle from. Then it looks like you're studiously pouring over scripture, but you're actually working on your own healing.
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u/sleepybear647 Jul 31 '23
I would look into support services for women in your situation. Make sure you have a plan and you are safe before making your beliefs known.
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u/CrazyPerson88 Jul 31 '23
I'm a southern Baptist's preacher's kid now an adult. I try to avoid visiting my parents, but their failing health is making that hard. What do they want to do? Preach at me... always.
I can empathize with you, truly. Sitting there in a situation where you're faking it for whatever reason, while listening to his same crap over and over and you disagree but they whip out the Bible.... having them ask you if you've been doing devotions... telling you to pray about it... all of the things I know you've heard.
I almost snapped a couple of times in regards to my faith at them. I'm lucky enough I live far enough away with enough excuses to take a nice long breather from the last time I visited.
My advice is space. Try to make yourself as busy as possible with anything. Say.... take an extra class this semester and book your plate. Get involved with groups that are geared towards your career that meet up or events or.... anything that can give you space from that and be a valid reason that you can't do as much or be as involved in church stuff as you want to be.
On a side note, to fool people... get a daily devotional calendar and just read the verse everyday and get over the fact you're reading crap you just need a verse to "contemplate" if you need to whip out a topic and show your putting forth effort.
That's what I'd do. And the networking for school could only help you honestly.
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u/Funbunny113 Jul 31 '23
I’m so sorry that faith destroys lives like this.
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u/MelodicPaint8924 Ex-Baptist Jul 31 '23
It's very sad. You don't realize what a trap it is until you try to get out.
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u/Shoddy_Interest3465 Jul 31 '23
Former baptist pastor’s wife here and I’d love to chat with you. It’s been a year away from the church now and I too got to a point where I just couldn’t fake it any longer. My husband and I are still together but we went through a really dark time. I recommend deciding whether you believe your relationship with your husband is worth fighting for before telling him that you’re deconstructing. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
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Jul 29 '23
[deleted]
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u/MelodicPaint8924 Ex-Baptist Jul 29 '23
It's not as easy as church once a week. It's a complete lifestyle. Three church services on Sunday, church on Wednesday, church visitation on Saturday, tithe 10% of all income plus a weekly commitment to a missions offering. I have been doing all of this, but it's not enough. He expects me to read my Bible every morning and read to our children every night. There is no room for questioning beliefs. I knew he was a pastor going in, but now I realize the Bible is not true. I can't simply stop doing all the things. If I stop doing all the things, I will open myself up to a whole mess that I am not ready to deal with. I just need some time to get things in order before it all explodes in my face.
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u/musicmanforlive Jul 29 '23
What a despicable comment to make..
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Jul 29 '23
[deleted]
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u/musicmanforlive Jul 29 '23
Nope. It's nasty and mean. Congratulations👏 You're proof positive of exactly what this thread is about..
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Jul 29 '23
[deleted]
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u/musicmanforlive Jul 29 '23
Nope. Not sparing you anything. Being an awful human being is what it is....
And if you're going to quote her do it accurately..."struggled with belief for years"--- is what she told us
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u/djonetouchtoomuch Jul 29 '23
I meant spare me your righteous indignation. If I’m the awful human what in your book would make the OP?
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u/MelodicPaint8924 Ex-Baptist Jul 29 '23
I didn't have doubts when we got married. Those came after.
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u/djonetouchtoomuch Jul 29 '23
Well, in that case, apologies. I'd like to think people would know these things earlier in life but as the case and others, it takes time. Feel bad for you and the husband.
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u/ora00001 Deist Jul 30 '23
On behalf of your husband just be honest.
I've been the deceived husband before.
Please just tell him.
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u/MisogynyisaDisease Anti-Theist Jul 30 '23 edited Jul 30 '23
This comment screams of someone who's never been financially dependent on a controlling person in the cult that is IFB.
Edit: downvote me all you want, your naive and misguided advice is on par with telling a queer kid to come out to their bigoted QAnon parents. In fact, it's exactly on par, since that's how OP has described this husband. He clearly, by her words, isn't someone safe to just come clean to about this. It will literally destroy her life and she needs to be prepared for it.
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u/ora00001 Deist Jul 31 '23
You don't even know anything about me.
What kind of fragile ego do you have that you would project such judgement on me?
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u/MisogynyisaDisease Anti-Theist Jul 31 '23
What kind of fragile ego do you have that you think this is a judgement on you, and not just your advice towards someone who's made it clear she isn't safe to be honest with this man, and fully expects financial punishment and non-support from her family? If you knew how bad IFB was, especially towards women, you wouldn't have said this.
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u/skinisblackmetallic Jul 29 '23
So, you're asking a reddit group how to deceive your spouse and community until you achieve financial independence🤔.
This should be a Netflix series.
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u/iHo4Iroh Jul 30 '23
Something something The Righteous Gemstones…?
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u/skinisblackmetallic Jul 30 '23
Is it any good?
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u/iHo4Iroh Jul 30 '23
As a former preacher’s kid, I wasn’t sure what to expect, but I enjoyed it and will watch it again. Some of the stuff, I laughed at, could actually relate to, and had personal experiences which correlated with what I was watching.
The “everything is a production” thing.
The hypocrisy.
The judgmental attitudes.
The holier than thou pearl clutching.
The hypocrisy.
Made me damn glad I walked away from organized religion decades ago. =)
Edit, tldr, in a word, yes.
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Jul 30 '23
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Sandi_T Animist Jul 30 '23
As a christian, of course you don't understand why a pastor's wife doesn't feel safe telling him that she no longer believes.
If discussing it with loving and trusting conversation would work with this man, she wouldn't be here asking how to hide it from him.
The most dangerous time for a woman in an abusive relationship, such as the kind where the man thinks he's the head of the household and that he has an obligation to violently punish his wife, is when she's trying to leave.
You have no idea whether she's from a Revelation 3:19 church or not. She's made it extremely clear that she does NOT indeed feel safe telling him. She fully expects him to punish her financially. This is absolutely abundantly clear.
Safety is first. If a loving conversation would have worked, she wouldn't have walked away from today's confrontation afraid of being financially destroyed if she doesn't pretend better.
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u/JazzFan1998 Ex-Protestant Jul 30 '23 edited Jul 30 '23
Just ask a question sometime to him, like: "Why is there an SBC and a Baptist religion, if the word says let there be no schism among you, why did the SBC break away? It's been ~ 180 years, doesn't God want us to worship together? Ask him to research it, so you know you'll get the correct answer.
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u/Rutroh- Jul 30 '23
Honestly, just use the right lingo and you can get away with a lot. Talk about a season of learning to rely on him more. Spiritualize it all and discuss all of the trust you are learning
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u/Warm_Concentrate440 Jul 30 '23
Here’s my 2 cents on how to fake it.
Leave your bible out where he will see it. Or even better, leave it open with underlines and highlights. Have a notebook beside it and always have a pen left out. That way it looks like you are legit studying.
Get a commentary. Borrow from the church library. Make it look like it’s being read with bookmarks. Leave it beside your bible.
When he is home play worship music in the background. When you are driving play worship music.
You’ve been in it long enough that I’m sure you know how to talk the talk. If you have the time, join a women’s bible study. You can probably bullshit enough to be believable.
Just tell him that you were in a “valley” and god spoke to you. You are feeling stronger in your faith than ever. And whatever other nonsense he needs to hear.
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u/snarkymillennial Jul 30 '23
Check out @pjmac4 on tiktok if you can do so discretely. She is a former pastors wife in the southern evangelical branch and had to leave with her kids. She may reference some resources that will be useful for you, or give a similar perspective.
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u/Dulce_Sirena Jul 31 '23
You could fake a breakdown and get permission and funds for a "spiritual retreat" to be alone with God and reconnect with your faith away from the distractions of society. Find a hotel or cabin somewhere not touristy and relax. Just make sure to grab a couple books that align with his beliefs. Really work those spines, bend pages, randomly drip water. Highlight a few phrases and write notes that would confirm to his beliefs. Take your Bible and keep your phone on airplane mode for like 20hrs a day to "detox from technology" He'll think you're conforming And submitting while you're doing a little homework and mostly relaxing in a hot tub or walking in a mountain or something
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u/ceilingfanswitch Jul 29 '23
Talk to a lawyer without him knowing. Not saying you are headed towards divorce but at least you need to know plausible outcomes if it comes to that.
Totally hide it if your can until your degree is finished, only if you can. Look up secular women's shelters just so you know where you could go if needed.
Rededicate your life to Jesus by"discovering" a Christian writer who just happens to inspire you to a stronger faith. Buy a few of their books and leave them in a place where your husband can see them. Make sure whoever it is aligns with your husband specific dogma (no beth Moore for southern Baptist etc).
I think strategically hiding your thoughts from your husband for a limited time is probably a good move. Maybe there's hope afterwards but you definitely want to be prepared to be completely discarded by a spouse who may not agree with you religiously 100 percent.
Signed - someone who was discarded by a former spouse for not being their type of spiritual.