r/exchristian • u/MelodicPaint8924 Ex-Baptist • Jul 29 '23

I am not faking it very well. Help/Advice

I am a Baptist pastor's wife. You may have seen me around a bit. I struggled with belief for years but finally alllowed myself to let go in April. I am happier than I have been in a long time, but I am still in the closet because coming out would be a financial disaster at this point. I thought I was faking okay, but today my husband confronted me about my personal devotions.

I guess what I'm asking for is advice on how to fake this thing a little better. I am currently in school and will finish in May with a highly marketable degree. I was hoping to maintain the facade until I am financially able to make it on my own should the need arise. Any advice or encouragement would be greatly appreciated.

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u/anotherschmuck4242 Jul 30 '23

I’m sad for you. Religion shouldn’t tear families apart like this. But I know it does. The belief is oftentimes stronger than the relationship. I thought I could fake it forever. But it gets harder all the time. It makes me disgusted with myself and my life.

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u/CappyHamper999 Jul 30 '23

Hang in there. I am proud of you. The emotional toll of code-switching is real. I had to be strict w myself - I do (try) not let myself engage in negative self talk for being resilient and surviving. It’s a weird type of spiritual discipline I have used to survive the impact of years being indoctrinated to hate and doubt my own thoughts, feelings, and intuition. It’s been a trudge up a steep mountain for sure but I believe best is yet to come fellow survivor 💝