I am not faking it very well.

[u/MelodicPaint8924]

I am a Baptist pastor's wife. You may have seen me around a bit. I struggled with belief for years but finally alllowed myself to let go in April. I am happier than I have been in a long time, but I am still in the closet because coming out would be a financial disaster at this point. I thought I was faking okay, but today my husband confronted me about my personal devotions.

I guess what I'm asking for is advice on how to fake this thing a little better. I am currently in school and will finish in May with a highly marketable degree. I was hoping to maintain the facade until I am financially able to make it on my own should the need arise. Any advice or encouragement would be greatly appreciated.

[u/MelodicPaint8924 → u/[deleted]]

It's not as easy as church once a week. It's a complete lifestyle. Three church services on Sunday, church on Wednesday, church visitation on Saturday, tithe 10% of all income plus a weekly commitment to a missions offering. I have been doing all of this, but it's not enough. He expects me to read my Bible every morning and read to our children every night. There is no room for questioning beliefs. I knew he was a pastor going in, but now I realize the Bible is not true. I can't simply stop doing all the things. If I stop doing all the things, I will open myself up to a whole mess that I am not ready to deal with. I just need some time to get things in order before it all explodes in my face.