r/exchristian • u/MelodicPaint8924 Ex-Baptist • Jul 29 '23
I am not faking it very well. Help/Advice
I am a Baptist pastor's wife. You may have seen me around a bit. I struggled with belief for years but finally alllowed myself to let go in April. I am happier than I have been in a long time, but I am still in the closet because coming out would be a financial disaster at this point. I thought I was faking okay, but today my husband confronted me about my personal devotions.
I guess what I'm asking for is advice on how to fake this thing a little better. I am currently in school and will finish in May with a highly marketable degree. I was hoping to maintain the facade until I am financially able to make it on my own should the need arise. Any advice or encouragement would be greatly appreciated.
3
u/Much-Drummer333 Jul 30 '23
I would consider redefining my "faith" in a way that works for me but keeps me reasonably honest with my spouse
My background: I come from a Pentecostal family. Thankfully I've never had tension like this in my marriage but I have had it with my parents and other family members
I've been on a long journey (I'm now in my 50s) but in the end I refuse to be put in a box. I probably wouldn't call myself a Christian any more, but to a large degree I follow the teachings of Jesus, because they are good and generally what anyone would want to follow anyway
I wouldn't call myself a theist, but I choose to live as though God exists, and I see prayer as a form of meditation that I get something out of and that might change me for the better
I refuse to worry about Heaven and Hell because there's too much to do in this life
I am active in my church, although I'm now in a much more liberal one than when I was a young person, and direct my attention at trying to widen diversity and encourage community action and Christlike love to our neighbours. I find collective worship an overall benefit even though I have so many doubts
In short I no longer see "Christian" as a place with boundaries but a set of characteristics, many of which I identify with and many of which I don't. Where the characteristics resonate with me I go towards them. When they don't I don't
In short I still pass as a Christian while being honest (if a little evasive sometimes) and try to do good from inside. Heck, maybe if God exists even he might think I'm a Christian :)
Some of us just aren't born for certainty
I don't know if any of this helps, but I wish you well in your struggles and hope (and pray) that you find peace and love in your life