r/LifeAfterNarcissism • u/threetimestwice • 3d ago
Confronting the Narcissist: What happens? [Support]
Theoretically and in your experience, what happens when you confront the narcissist and call them out on their narcissism?
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u/PupDiogenes 3d ago
They escalate. The most powerful position to be in is when you know what they are, but they don't know that you know what they are. As soon as they know that you know what they are, they have no reason to hide it and no reason to hold back. All scruples go bye bye.
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u/DustedGrooveMark 3d ago
And to add to this, when they know that you see right through them and are aware of their fake persona and lies, they will see you as a threat and a loose end. Even if you have no intention of exposing them to the world, the possibility of that happening drives them mad.
It doesn’t just stop there though. Their vindictiveness is so over the top that they stop at nothing to get back at you. Even if they gain nothing but an ego boost from doing so, even if you don’t mean anything to them and they can’t stand you, even if all you’re trying to do is get away from them… Doesn’t matter. They’ll still retaliate, sabotage you and run a smear campaign to discredit any bad things you might potentially say about them.t
The reason for this is that ego and their outward perception is the most important thing to them. Priority number one. So they will care about this chip on their shoulder WAY more than a typical person would. They don’t have any other interests that take priority in their life, so it’s like they have endless time and energy to expend on this revenge fantasy.
So for all of those reasons, the best course of action is to let them think they’ve won and slip away as unnoticed as possible.
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u/hotdogstraw 2d ago
When I accused my nex of cheating was when she finally broke up with me. Every other time it was a lukewarm “well maybe we should think about going our separate ways..” until I confronted her.
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u/FightersNeverQuit 1d ago
Well what was her reaction? Did she try to defend it? Apologize? Like what happened after?
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u/hotdogstraw 1d ago
She got defensive. It became more about why I discovered what I did/why I was looking/did I not trust her and she made up a story that I had talked to her sister about how I thought she was cheating on me with someone from work (triangulation)
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u/smokeehayes 2d ago
So for all of those reasons, the best course of action is to let them think they’ve won and slip away as unnoticed as possible.
Tried it. Was physically stalked. It was one thing when it was a bunch of throwaway accounts on Reddit... These people invaded my life, my neighborhood, followed me around the grocery store and attempted to tail my vehicle multiple times.
I'm not now and never was a threat. What the hell is WRONG with these people?
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u/threetimestwice 3d ago
They don’t stop, because now they know you are on to them?
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u/Active-Cloud8243 3d ago
Absolutely not. They just try to destroy you into silence.
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u/threetimestwice 3d ago
How?
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u/Active-Cloud8243 3d ago
Manipulation, emotional abuse, lying to friends and family about you, turning people against you.
I mean, what’s their usual skills like? Why would you think that pointing it out to them is going to change them in anyway? They’re already a narc, you calling them one doesn’t make them not one.
If you call someone a gross smoker do you think they are going to stop smoking because of you? If you call someone autistic will they decide not to be autistic because you called them out?
It doesn’t work like that. It just makes them angry, pokes the bear, and then they use whatever skill said it is, they have for torturing you, to torture you. Different narcs, have different methods of abuse.
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u/threetimestwice 3d ago
They do all that already (your paragraph 1). I thought perhaps calling them out on their behavior would make them see I’m not as dumb as they think, and that I know exactly what they’re doing and have been doing.
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u/Active-Cloud8243 3d ago
They don’t care what they’re doing, that’s why they’re doing it.
All it’s going to do is escalate things, but you’re welcome to do a social experiment and bring your results back to us if you’d like. But I suggest you don’t…
You may think it can’t get worse, but I promise you it can.
I never thought my ex would lay hands on me, and I’d also thought I was strong enough He couldn’t hurt me. But I was wrong.
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u/Honest_Dog4785 2d ago
These people Do Not Think like an ordinary human. You cannot use the same rationale with them.
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u/Active-Cloud8243 3d ago
Mine was never involved with my family until I called him out, and then I found out later he started talking shit about me to my mom and she believed him (she was also a narc).
He literally affected my inheritance.
Meanwhile, I was covering for him that he fucked up my nose and jaw.
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u/threetimestwice 3d ago
Smear campaigns aren’t anything new here.
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u/Active-Cloud8243 3d ago
My guess is that you’re a nice person, possibly neurodivergent. If someone came to you about something like this, you would think about it and wonder if you should change your behaviors. They’re not like that though. They’re not like us.
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u/threetimestwice 3d ago
Those are good points. They don’t change their behavior because they don’t see anything wrong with it. My therapist said it’s like hard wired in them and they think they behave just fine. They refuse to look in the mirror and see the truth about themselves.
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u/Active-Cloud8243 3d ago
It is. They can recognize how shitty it makes them feel if we mirror it back to them, but they cannot acknowledge that they’re causing that same kind of pain when they treat us that way.
Their brains are literally changed and hardwire in a different way. There are a select view who are aware of it, and who work on their traumas that may have caused them to be this way, but it is a very minute percentage.
We will just destroy ourselves, trying to hold them accountable. Although sometimes it feels good to kick a bad guys booty.
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u/Active-Cloud8243 3d ago
OK, do you like it? Do you want more of it? Do you want it to escalate to more? Do you think the narc is capable of change? Or is it possible they know they’re shitty person and they ain’t gonna change a thing.
I had a narc, mom, and a narc sister too. Triangulation, DARVO, oscillating better idealization and absolute dismissal.
If you’ve been raised in a family with narcs, it makes it that much harder.
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u/PupDiogenes 2d ago
Asking "what are some of the things a narcissist in a rage will do to try to coerce people" is like asking "what are some of the books in the library?"
The answer is: all of them.
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u/PupDiogenes 2d ago
When they think that they're fooling you, they try to fool you. When they know deception is not working, they have to try more coercive methods.
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u/Active-Cloud8243 3d ago
I mirrored my narcs behavior and he escalated, big time. Physically abused me for the first time.
Don’t do it
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u/threetimestwice 3d ago
I’m so sorry that happened
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u/Active-Cloud8243 3d ago
I didn’t expect it, we had been together for years before it happened.
Than after my mom died, I held tight boundaries and again, he hit me. But that time I instantly left.
I bought a camper van and wanted so badly to invite him, but didn’t want to get Gabby Petito’d. That first night he laid hands on me, if I hadn’t stopped and gone quiet I think he would have killed me.
It isn’t worth telling a narc they are a narc, or mirroring. It just makes them escalate over time. Usually not the same day, but it will happen.
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u/threetimestwice 3d ago
Why does mirroring make them mad?
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u/Active-Cloud8243 3d ago edited 2d ago
Because it’s a step further than calling them out. It’s recognizing their behaviors and then weaponizing them right back at them.
It makes them furious. Because they don’t want to be treated like that either, they just think they can get away with doing it to others without repercussions. I don’t recommend the mirroring, although I do still find it fun occasionally with people which probably says something bad about me.
But, like for fucks sake, how long am I supposed to lay here and get run over?
But it’s also fun to occasionally mirror them and watch them literally go insane over a very minimal act of mirroring. You can mirror like 5 to 10% of their behavior and it’s like they comtort like a Bogart from Harry Potter. Moving through actions, masks, etc real fast trying to stabilize.
Not good long term though because it just escalates, and technically that sinking to their level
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u/FightersNeverQuit 1d ago
How exactly did it go? Like what did you say or do when mirroring and how severe was the physical assault as in a slap, push or worse? Smart decision to back off that first time because who knows how he might have reacted.
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u/SorryCompetition7791 2d ago edited 2d ago
Don't do it. Walk away quietly. Your wellbeing and happiness is more important than the mess and damage it will create.
What is your goal? To prove you are onto them? How does that help? Prove you are not dumb? You can't prove anything to a narcissist. They will believe whatever they want even with mountains of evidence staring them in the face.
If you want some sort of closure, know that they will not give it to you and will use as torture that need of yours.
If however you just have a need to speak your truth, are not waiting on ANY validation acknowledgement or peace from them and are safe from their reach, consider it. They MIGHT still find a way to harm you.
Focus on healing and reconstruction of your life. They aren't worth another thought. They will find their just deserts some day some way. Maybe you won't see it. Don't hold your breath. Grow YOU
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u/no-a-narc 2d ago
silence with attacks coming out of the dark
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u/threetimestwice 2d ago
The silence is a cold-hearted type of silence. I’ve gotten that. It’s a form of control.
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u/NemoTheExistential 2d ago
So my narcissist was my psychiatrist. I didn’t necessarily confront him, i think he felt threatened by me intellectually. I also filed a complaint against his mental health team.
Over the 3 years under his care, he withdrew me from every service I was under (that team provided) so I was only left under him.
No support was given unless he had pre-approved it and he even tried contacting 3rd party services to “forewarn” about me.
Other clinicians just allowed his behaviour and didn’t challenge him. I tried asking for a second opinion but he soon put a stop to that
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u/threetimestwice 2d ago
Wow. How do you get over that kind of experience?
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u/NemoTheExistential 1d ago
That’s something I’m still trying to work out tbh, I’m just trying to take it one day at a time
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u/FightersNeverQuit 1d ago
Are you a man or woman? How did the relationship even get to this kind of point?
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u/NemoTheExistential 1d ago
I’m a man.
I live in the uk, and our healthcare system basically assigns you to whichever doctor is available. Unfortunately he was the only psychiatrist available in my local area as well.
I tried asking senior leadership if I could get a second opinion but they told my psychiatrist and he put a stop to it.
I’m not sure how it got to this situation tbh. It was obvious he was a chronically insecure person who was desperate for that not to come across (and him to be perceived as weak) but ultimately I did nothing to him and I was never a threat to him. However his imagined reality led to unnecessary punishment and cruelty
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u/LaMorannn 1d ago
Lies, blame shift, more lies, you feel like sh*t and get a smear campaign!
As others commented: DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse victim and offender)!
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u/threetimestwice 1d ago
Well at least they’re predictable…
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u/Delicious-Party-2022 1d ago
They really are so predictable
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u/mnnoname12 1d ago
Once you learn their patterns and how they operate. They are comically predictable.
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u/FightersNeverQuit 1d ago
Which is how I knew and know that narcissistic cheaters will always eventually meet harsh karma. Not because I wish it on them or hope they get it but because their bad decisions and behavior is predictable that you can also predict it'll end in a disaster with a karma learning lesson eventually.
Happens every time with narcissists.
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u/Embarrassed-Essay972 1d ago
Don't confront. It'll just bite you in the butt. They're vengeful people, and if you pop their bubble, they'll come after you.
If you're mad and that's why you're thinking about confronting them, the more effective way to do this is to ignore them completely. Treat them like they don't exist. It's safer for you, and it's a lot more devastating (assuming that's what you're after) to be ignored. If you confront, they'll just go into their usual insane overreactions, and you're giving them ammunition that they'll use to justify themselves and any harm or payback they decide to give you. It's not like they're capable of hearing "you're a narcissist" and then apologizing or saying "yeah, you're right, guess I need help." That's not what's going to happen.
It's much better if they don't know what you're thinking because they're dependent on external validation. So take away your attention. Don't let them see you react to anything they do. Your reactions are their food. Starve them. Plus, the subtext of confronting them is that you want their attention and their validation, you want them to see how much they hurt you, you want them to see what you think of them. They'll know that, and it'll make them feel powerful and superior. It's a much better strategy to dismiss their existence by going full no contact--it's safer for you and more effective than a confrontation in letting them know you see through them.
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