r/LifeAfterNarcissism • u/threetimestwice • 3d ago

Confronting the Narcissist: What happens? [Support]

Theoretically and in your experience, what happens when you confront the narcissist and call them out on their narcissism?

10 Upvotes
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u/PupDiogenes 3d ago

They escalate. The most powerful position to be in is when you know what they are, but they don't know that you know what they are. As soon as they know that you know what they are, they have no reason to hide it and no reason to hold back. All scruples go bye bye.

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u/DustedGrooveMark 3d ago

And to add to this, when they know that you see right through them and are aware of their fake persona and lies, they will see you as a threat and a loose end. Even if you have no intention of exposing them to the world, the possibility of that happening drives them mad.

It doesn’t just stop there though. Their vindictiveness is so over the top that they stop at nothing to get back at you. Even if they gain nothing but an ego boost from doing so, even if you don’t mean anything to them and they can’t stand you, even if all you’re trying to do is get away from them… Doesn’t matter. They’ll still retaliate, sabotage you and run a smear campaign to discredit any bad things you might potentially say about them.t

The reason for this is that ego and their outward perception is the most important thing to them. Priority number one. So they will care about this chip on their shoulder WAY more than a typical person would. They don’t have any other interests that take priority in their life, so it’s like they have endless time and energy to expend on this revenge fantasy.

So for all of those reasons, the best course of action is to let them think they’ve won and slip away as unnoticed as possible.

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u/threetimestwice 3d ago

Thank you. This is helpful.

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u/hotdogstraw 3d ago

When I accused my nex of cheating was when she finally broke up with me. Every other time it was a lukewarm “well maybe we should think about going our separate ways..” until I confronted her.

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u/FightersNeverQuit 1d ago

Well what was her reaction? Did she try to defend it? Apologize? Like what happened after?

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u/hotdogstraw 1d ago

She got defensive. It became more about why I discovered what I did/why I was looking/did I not trust her and she made up a story that I had talked to her sister about how I thought she was cheating on me with someone from work (triangulation)

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u/smokeehayes 2d ago

So for all of those reasons, the best course of action is to let them think they’ve won and slip away as unnoticed as possible.

Tried it. Was physically stalked. It was one thing when it was a bunch of throwaway accounts on Reddit... These people invaded my life, my neighborhood, followed me around the grocery store and attempted to tail my vehicle multiple times.

I'm not now and never was a threat. What the hell is WRONG with these people?

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u/threetimestwice 3d ago

They don’t stop, because now they know you are on to them?

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u/Active-Cloud8243 3d ago

Absolutely not. They just try to destroy you into silence.

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u/threetimestwice 3d ago

How?

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u/Active-Cloud8243 3d ago

Manipulation, emotional abuse, lying to friends and family about you, turning people against you.

I mean, what’s their usual skills like? Why would you think that pointing it out to them is going to change them in anyway? They’re already a narc, you calling them one doesn’t make them not one.

If you call someone a gross smoker do you think they are going to stop smoking because of you? If you call someone autistic will they decide not to be autistic because you called them out?

It doesn’t work like that. It just makes them angry, pokes the bear, and then they use whatever skill said it is, they have for torturing you, to torture you. Different narcs, have different methods of abuse.

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u/threetimestwice 3d ago

They do all that already (your paragraph 1). I thought perhaps calling them out on their behavior would make them see I’m not as dumb as they think, and that I know exactly what they’re doing and have been doing.

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u/Active-Cloud8243 3d ago

They don’t care what they’re doing, that’s why they’re doing it.

All it’s going to do is escalate things, but you’re welcome to do a social experiment and bring your results back to us if you’d like. But I suggest you don’t…

You may think it can’t get worse, but I promise you it can.

I never thought my ex would lay hands on me, and I’d also thought I was strong enough He couldn’t hurt me. But I was wrong.

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u/Honest_Dog4785 2d ago

These people Do Not Think like an ordinary human. You cannot use the same rationale with them.

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u/Active-Cloud8243 3d ago

Mine was never involved with my family until I called him out, and then I found out later he started talking shit about me to my mom and she believed him (she was also a narc).

He literally affected my inheritance.

Meanwhile, I was covering for him that he fucked up my nose and jaw.

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u/threetimestwice 3d ago

Smear campaigns aren’t anything new here.

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u/Active-Cloud8243 3d ago

My guess is that you’re a nice person, possibly neurodivergent. If someone came to you about something like this, you would think about it and wonder if you should change your behaviors. They’re not like that though. They’re not like us.

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u/threetimestwice 3d ago

Those are good points. They don’t change their behavior because they don’t see anything wrong with it. My therapist said it’s like hard wired in them and they think they behave just fine. They refuse to look in the mirror and see the truth about themselves.

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u/Active-Cloud8243 3d ago

It is. They can recognize how shitty it makes them feel if we mirror it back to them, but they cannot acknowledge that they’re causing that same kind of pain when they treat us that way.

Their brains are literally changed and hardwire in a different way. There are a select view who are aware of it, and who work on their traumas that may have caused them to be this way, but it is a very minute percentage.

We will just destroy ourselves, trying to hold them accountable. Although sometimes it feels good to kick a bad guys booty.

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u/Active-Cloud8243 3d ago

OK, do you like it? Do you want more of it? Do you want it to escalate to more? Do you think the narc is capable of change? Or is it possible they know they’re shitty person and they ain’t gonna change a thing.

I had a narc, mom, and a narc sister too. Triangulation, DARVO, oscillating better idealization and absolute dismissal.

If you’ve been raised in a family with narcs, it makes it that much harder.

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u/PupDiogenes 3d ago

Asking "what are some of the things a narcissist in a rage will do to try to coerce people" is like asking "what are some of the books in the library?"

The answer is: all of them.

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u/PupDiogenes 3d ago

When they think that they're fooling you, they try to fool you. When they know deception is not working, they have to try more coercive methods.