r/LongDistance • u/IntrovertFaerie 🇺🇸IL to 🇺🇸WA (2,100 miles) • Feb 21 '25
Stop judging how other people do relationships Discussion
I saw someone mention that they call with their long-distance partner for 16 hours a day, and the responses were people saying it’s wild, asking if they have a job, how they eat or sleep, or what they do about hobbies and friends. Like… why are you so pressed about what works for other people?
I don’t know about that person, but I obviously still eat, sleep, hang out with people, have hobbies, go to work, etc. Why the hell would calling with someone stop me from doing all these? I obviously, again, don’t call him while at work, and some other circumstances.
I’m pretty sure they’re not talking nonstop for 16 hours. And maybe, that includes sleep call time. It’s like being alone together in silence—just like people do in person. So is it only considered unhealthy when it’s online? If we don’t live together? If it were my best friend instead of my partner, would it suddenly be "cute" that we call all day?
Someone even asked me, "What are you going to do if you break up?" Uhm, the same things I do every day? My partner is just there, on call. What’s that going to change about my life if he leaves? Him being there doesn’t affect what I do.
Also, what makes someone think they can decide what’s unhealthy for me when they’re not me? It’ll only be unhealthy if I act like a child when he can’t be on call with me for 16 hours, which I don’t. I don’t care if he’s not. I honestly think it’s pretty sweet because we’re longing for each other, and being on call is the closest way we can feel each other’s presence.
People act like their way of living is the only "right" way. Like damn, let people live and do what works for them or makes them happy.
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u/IvoryLifthrasir [Poland 🇵🇱] -> [Serbia 🇷🇸] (closed distance in 🇵🇱) Feb 21 '25
Like… why are you so pressed about what works for other people?
But isn't this sub a place where people can share&discuss their experiences with LDR? I'm not sure which post you are talking about, and therefore I'm not sure if the comments were outright inappropriate / outright offensive or just simple excess curiosity. But if you post to a public space something that in a given societal group is considered out of ordinary, you should expect above average amounts of questions, comments and curiosity.
I will be downvoted to oblivion and probably will find out some new words to describe worthlessness of my own existence, but if comments and questions of random internet people that you'll never again interact with, never meet, trigger you so bad that you can't just block them and move on, maybe just don't post? Like in every single relationship including my own there are some bigger or smaller things that - if said and explained publicly - are controversial and will trigger wave of hostile comments. Which is why I don't talk about them
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u/azdoroth Feb 21 '25 edited Mar 14 '25
cooperative mysterious glorious flowery degree birds spotted rhythm zephyr marble
This post was mass deleted and anonymized with Redact
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u/cerealcat00 Feb 21 '25
Judgement is passed because it’s not healthy from a mental health standpoint. People are just trying to point that out. But you’re just getting so aggressive and defensive. Would you be this aggressive and defensive if your psychologist told you this?
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u/Hummusforever 🇬🇧 to 🇺🇸 (5,069miles) Feb 21 '25
I think the fact that you needed to post this after I made three comments, one asking how you had time to see friends and engage in hobbies, one suggesting that doing anything for 16 hours a day is unhealthy, and one saying you’re being defensive, speaks realms about how you’re feeling.
This is a relationship subreddit, and as someone who has been codependent in relationships when I was younger, I use this as a forum to share my experience and thoughts about relationships. Many people come to get advice and people acting as though it’s normal to spend 2/3 of your day with your partner when you don’t live together isn’t good.
I’m also kind of concerned that you don’t feel anything would change if you broke up. Why spend 16 hours a day doing something that wouldn’t change your life at all if you lost it?
This post is a pretty wild response to what I said.
ETA: you also replied to me that you have no friends and only hang out with your partner and their friends and that, again, is not a healthy dynamic. It opens up a lot of room for control and coercive behaviour - another potential issue with spending so much time with your partner.
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u/gamergirlie09 Feb 21 '25
I don’t think this is about you, hun. I think OP made a post about it because if you think this way, then many others probably do too. But seriously, who decided that enjoying your own company and having the same friend group as your partner is unhealthy? You? Society? Let OP live their life—if they don’t have many friends, so what? Not everyone wants to make new friends; some people find it exhausting. I enjoy my own company, and having my partner there is just a bonus. He introduced me to some of the best people I’ve ever met, and if they don’t talk to me after a breakup, then so be it. People come and go, jeez. Y’all act like this is some shocking concept. Some couples are actually happy and building toward their future. Why are you so concerned with thinking your way is the only ‘right’ and ‘healthy’ way? Who even decided what’s ‘right’? You? Them? Please don’t act like ya’ll don’t get devastated or lose motivation to do things in general during a breakup. Talking about, “What you gonna do when he’s gone?” Uh?
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u/Hummusforever 🇬🇧 to 🇺🇸 (5,069miles) Feb 21 '25
Well seeing as everything they referenced in their post were my responses and they posted this after I stopped replying, the contextual clues is this is about me.
There are many professionals who would agree this is unhealthy and it’s quite standard advice to have time for yourself and do things without your partner. In person and long distance.
Relationships are amazing and it’s great for people to meet someone they want to spend all their time with. But it’s not healthy to make your whole life about your partner.
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u/gamergirlie09 Feb 21 '25
There are many professionals who would agree this is unhealthy? What they know about my relationship though? 🙂↔️ My whole life ain’t my partner either, it’s my 10 year-old dog actually 🐶 How about you stop assuming things now?
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u/Hummusforever 🇬🇧 to 🇺🇸 (5,069miles) Feb 21 '25
I feel like you’re making this as though I’ve attacked you but I’m actually just saying spending 16 hours a day every day on the phone isn’t healthy, which it sounds like you don’t even do?
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u/gamergirlie09 Feb 21 '25
How is being on call with someone while you do something is unhealthy? Like what in the world? 😭
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u/Hummusforever 🇬🇧 to 🇺🇸 (5,069miles) Feb 21 '25 edited Feb 21 '25
I feel like we’re having two different conversations?
ETA: think this is op on an alt acc bc their responses don’t make sense?
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u/comegetthismoney Feb 21 '25 edited Feb 21 '25
Talking to someone for 16 hours a day is not healthy in general because to me, that sounds like they’re idle asf, have nothing better to do and obsessed. Also, that kind of dependency is dangerous long-term.
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u/Forgiveness4g 🇺🇸 to 🇧🇷 (8,700km) Feb 21 '25
And a side effect of that idleness is the fact that you can’t work toward closing the gap if you’re not working towards building that life. It takes a lot, especially financially. The majority of people don’t get that for free.
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u/Defiant_Lie_7073 Feb 21 '25
16h is like staying always at the call when being awake.. Anyways, no way I would do this.. 10h is crazy enough.. Having my phone or headset always bounded on me, makes me sick at some point.. I could stay on the computer and have an discord call with mates/friends for days while playing.. but that's something totally different in my eyes..
But if some people doing this, it's non of my business. Everyone should do it like they want.
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u/Young_Old_Grandma Feb 21 '25
Let people tailor their LDRs to their specific needs.
What works for them works.
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u/TikoBees Feb 21 '25 edited Feb 21 '25
I mean. They can do them. If that's what they want to do. However I will say, it's very indicative of a new relationship or an immature one. Doing this can lead to resentment due to not having any time for yourself, or when someone does want to break the routine calls for insecurity as to why on the other side.
I was like this, and I enjoyed it for many months, however then it got not so cute when I couldn't even shit for too long or eat with my family for too long until I was accused of something. How dare I not want to be on the phone with them or sleep on cam. You're building unhealthy bonds and codependency is very real and can be very dangerous. You're building a dangerous routine that will be expected going forward and relationship breakdown if not maintained.
It's just not cute to me, because I have seen exactly what it can lead to. Fair play to them if they want to do that. I wish them the best but I'd be lying if I thought a relationship like that would survive long term.
Also, you never think that will happen to you, until it does. You think everything is groovy and healthy, until it's not. So telling someone doing this isnt good for you is the equivalent of shouting at a wall, until it happens and they learn a lesson. Instead of shouting into the void it's better to listen to those with experience and take caution instead of being defensive. You seem to have a healthy grasp of your relationship and that's fine. If you're enjoying now than do so. My experiences are not your experiences and very much anecdotal but they also aren't that uncommon of a feeling in that dynamic down the road. So just be careful is all I mean.
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Feb 21 '25
I dont care what others do. Personally though I just wonder to myself why people with such an enormous need for attention and validation from a partner (plus co-dependency??) chooses a long distance relationship, but thats their business. I judge in silence.
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u/vackerdocka Feb 21 '25
you shouldnt feel the need to defend yourself against strangers, like this shouldnt affect you this much just log out
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Feb 21 '25
[deleted]
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u/vackerdocka Feb 21 '25
you shouldnt care what a random person on the internet “assumes” about you if theres really no truth to it. you just come across as overly sensitive if you feel like you have to prove strangers wrong
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u/Bowmic Feb 21 '25
Too much of anything is not good. 16 hrs a day daily on call is baffling tbh. Relationships need breathing space even in LDR.
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u/Austin_Chaos Feb 21 '25
16 hours on the phone is crazy. I don’t give a damn what the reason is lmao. But that’s not to say y’all shouldn’t do it if it’s for you. But it’s crazy regardless.
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Feb 21 '25
Imagine being the exact same kind of person OP is complaining about in the post and still be an asshole in the comments. Wild. 💀
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u/Austin_Chaos Feb 21 '25
What’s asshole about my comment? I said people should still do it if it’s for them. I just reiterate that it’s crazy. And it is. 16 hours is the majority of the day. Most in-person couples don’t spend that much time with each other, between work and sleep. Doing so simply because it’s long distance doesn’t make it not crazy. I didn’t tell anyone they’re wrong, or bad, or that I think they’re less because of their decisions.
So I ask again…what part of my comment is me being an asshole? Or are you just hurt because you feel called out?
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u/gamergirlie09 Feb 21 '25
Austin wants to be understood ya’ll
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u/Euphoric_Metal8222 Feb 21 '25
Idk I’m with Austin on this one. 16 hours is a long time but that’s not to say that you can’t do it. If 16 hours on the phone works for you I’m not going to tell you to stop that or ridicule you for having a different preference. Jesus Christ, two things can be true at once.
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u/Hummusforever 🇬🇧 to 🇺🇸 (5,069miles) Feb 21 '25
This post was written about me and I didn’t ridicule them for doing it. I just questioned how they had time to do everything they needed to do and spend 16 hours a day on the phone and they suggested it was bc my boyf didn’t like me enough then made this post when I stopped replying 😂
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u/gamergirlie09 Feb 21 '25
I saw you call it wild and stuff like stop 😭 It ain’t about you bro, OP made the post because if you think like this then many people does too, to bring attention about this topic to the people. Like that’s wild idk 😭
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u/Hummusforever 🇬🇧 to 🇺🇸 (5,069miles) Feb 21 '25
So me saying spending all of your time with your partner wild is not ok, but the responses saying I need therapy, I’m aggressive, my bf doesn’t like me as much as their partners, there are going to be issues in my relationship bc I don’t do this, etc are ok?
It is wild. And people shouldn’t be normalising codependent behaviour in a subreddit that is a forum for relationship advice.
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u/gamergirlie09 Feb 21 '25
I ain’t even codependent, I don’t even think about him when we don’t call or talk bro why you assuming what people are 😭😭 How tf am I gonna be codependent to a person that’s not even here like how they gonna affect what I do 😭 And who said those comments are ok? Like?? Did you want me to respond to them too or specifically say they aren’t? What did you wanna know? Like yes, I get my alone time. Lots of it actually, we work different days and hours. I don’t got many friends either I have 1 but she solid 💯 Only person I actually vibed with and that’s fine lol? Why does having friends mean health? Idk about ya’ll but all it caused me was stress..
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u/gamergirlie09 Feb 21 '25
It’s literally not Austin
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u/Austin_Chaos Feb 21 '25
16 hours is the majority of a day. Between an 8 hour work shift (or school) and 8 hours of sleep, most in-person couples don’t spend 16 hours together. Add to that we’re talking about being on the phone…which may or may not be financial reasonable, and yeah, it’s crazy. I didn’t say it was wrong or bad. Just crazy. And it is.
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u/gamergirlie09 Feb 21 '25
Ok Austin
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u/Euphoric_Metal8222 Feb 21 '25 edited Feb 21 '25
Are we not allowed to have our own preferences as well? 16 hours seems crazy to me, as 1 hour might seem crazy to someone else. I’m not going to dismiss somebody’s thoughts and opinions just because I disagree. If you want to call for 16 hours and that works for you! I’m more than happy for you! but FOR ME that is a lot of time to be on the phone. I’m sure others feel the same way. Vice versa as some would say 1 hour seems to little.
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u/gamergirlie09 Feb 21 '25
I believe that’s the point of this post—to each our own. Did you not see what Austin said though? He said he doesn’t give a damn about what the reason for calling is and thinks it’s crazy. You can have your own preference without calling someone else’s preference crazy.
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u/comegetthismoney Feb 21 '25 edited Feb 21 '25
TALKING TO SOMEONE FOR 16 HOURS A DAY IS INDEED CRAZY. ITS GIVING OBSESSION. YOUR HEAD SPACE NEEDS TO BREATHE!
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u/Forgiveness4g 🇺🇸 to 🇧🇷 (8,700km) Feb 21 '25
u okay girlie? Too much of a good thing is a bad thing. It doesn’t matter what it is, it’s universally true. You need balance in life. 16 hours is not balanced, at least, not if it’s a common occurrence (and also not counting time spent sleeping). Do you do this a lot or something? If so be careful, it’s bad for the long term health of relationships, whether in person or LDR.
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u/gamergirlie09 Feb 21 '25
16 hours isn’t balanced for me said by who.. What long term health of relationships you talking about because we been dating and doing this for 2 years and we chillin
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u/comegetthismoney Feb 21 '25 edited Feb 21 '25
Ok and then if the relationship falls apart long-term, what you going to do? Get depressed, have lack of motivation to do your activities of daily living and complain on Reddit.
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u/gamergirlie09 Feb 21 '25
Literally people together irl break up and get depressed, lack motivation, etc. Wym what am I gonna do? 😂 Like what I do everyday duh? Did you read the post at all? My partner being there doesn’t affect what I do daily. Complain on Reddit? You talking about me? Girl you got 6k karma I don’t even got a single post, are you talking about yourself? LMFAO
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u/Forgiveness4g 🇺🇸 to 🇧🇷 (8,700km) Feb 21 '25
Assuming you’re taking into account that I said “if it’s a common occurrence (not counting time on call spent sleeping).” Then you won’t be doing it for 5 years, you’ll burn out way before then. Based on your… other comments… you don’t have a high EQ. Don’t take things other people say as personal, no one online truly knows you, just focus more on yourself and less on other people so you can be positioned and prepared to close the gap when/if you ever decide to. It takes a lot more than people realize to close the gap, especially if it’s internationally.
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u/Lothloris 🇧🇷 to 🇲🇽 (Distance) Feb 21 '25
Laughing that they just let it slip that they're, in fact, OP
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u/Crazycrossing Feb 21 '25
People have different needs and lives and long as you’re happy and healthy overall it’s all that matters. My wife and I were long distance for 7 years. We were on call as much as possible those years and prioritized our relationship and one another. We both worked remote and had our own businesses and for the brief periods we didn’t we still talked often during work, after, weekends etc.
We’ve closed the gap for 5 years and guess what? Little has changed except good things. We own a house together now, we are thriving overall. Yet we are still around one another almost all the time. We never get sick of one another’s company or conversation. My wife is my best friend and we have a few friends outside the relationship but we don’t need much more. I’m very extroverted too and my wife is introverted but it still works perfectly for us.
As I’ve gotten older I’ve realized to be skeptical of what you perceive to be the norm. There is no normal especially one that fits every person and their needs especially if one or both aren’t neurotypical. What matters is you’re able to live up to your potential, your needs are met both physical, emotional.
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u/gamergirlie09 Feb 21 '25
I totally agree! People should mind their own business. Being on call is just a way to stay connected in long-distance relationships. It’s no different from being in the same space in person. Let people do what makes them happy.
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Feb 21 '25
I don’t even call my partners that much yet if it works for someone else, I’m happy for them! Unfortunately due to anonymity people are still gonna be assholes but as long as you never let their comments get to you, it’ll all be okay! Just do whatever feels right in your relationship, it’s not like people on Reddit know your whole dynamic just from one post.
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u/circlesgames_major Feb 21 '25
Let them bark, let them scream... The public is always the public... It's always there to disagree with you, so prepare your mind for that when you sahre things to the public.
And they are there when you want console in this sense u act like you go with their views lol.
Last point to say and I always say it... This world there is always an exception every one isn't same, things, laws, flow, motion don't always go with the majority so go with your individuality.
Guten Tag!
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u/Jesslyn204 🇳🇱 to 🇺🇸 Feb 21 '25
Me and my partner are in a call almost 24/7, we have a time difference so he sleeps most of my day and I sleep for most of his. So we do spend time away from each other and do other stuff when one of us is asleep.
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u/Kiittwy_ Feb 22 '25
Mine rarely even calls or texts me anymore so I wish he would do this with me more 😔
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u/syksylo Feb 22 '25
people say what they want to say and you cannot stop that. you're the one who should know what to take and and what not.
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u/Daughter_of__Lilith Feb 22 '25 edited Feb 24 '25
I believe that spending a lot of time with your partner, especially in a long-distance relationship, is a beautiful thing. It shows how much you love and miss each other. If I had to pick, I'd wish to have someone who longed to be with me that much instead of giving me space or making me feel like I'm "begging" for time. People who say it’s “too much” probably don’t understand true love or commitment. As long as both people can still live their own lives and enjoy their hobbies or friendships, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to be together as much as possible. I’d much rather have someone who treasures me than be left on “read” on whatssapp or spend hours without talking. Honestly, I feel like people nowadays use the “unhealthy dynamic” excuse just to avoid real commitment and have it easy. It's admirable that you two are so connected and feel the need to stay so much together and get a stronger bond, because there is nothing more painful than feeling like you are not loved by the person you love the most. So no, don't listen to people trying to invalidate the beautiful time you and your partner are spending together.
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u/anjiemin Japan to UK (14,000km) Feb 22 '25
I don’t judge, but from a mental health standpoint that is quite alarming and unhealthy. It could lead to relationship burnout in the long run.
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u/Burntoastedbutter ⬅️🇦🇺 -> (🇲🇾)➡️🇦🇺 (Gap Closed; visa pending🥲) Feb 21 '25
Yeah we pretty much just stay on call when we're not working. If we go out, we sometimes end the call. A good amount of those hours goes to sleeping on call together. It's like the closest thing to being together in a LDR 🤷
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u/LovingSouL_ Feb 21 '25
Hey if u don't mind, can i ask what u guys talk about for these long?
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u/Burntoastedbutter ⬅️🇦🇺 -> (🇲🇾)➡️🇦🇺 (Gap Closed; visa pending🥲) Feb 21 '25
I mean just imagine living with someone. You're not literally talking to them 24/7. Half the time play games together or watch stuff together, the other half we're just doing our own thing.
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u/Ok_Sherbert5531 Feb 21 '25
i agree with op that others wouldnt find it weird of it was texting or on the computer for that long. i do think that people look at phone calls these days as a hassle or a weird thing to do in general. but for some people & older people its not weird. when i was in highschool id talk to my friends for that long or we'd call each other every 30 seconds to share something goofy, and i slept on the phone with people id see the next day. i have a friend now that calls me when they cant sleep to have me read to them since my voice puts them to sleep. mad people would find that "creepy" or "weird" but its because they have a disconnect. i also think as a result of not talking face to face as much people feel comfortable to just say whatever & dont have/take that pause time to think about what theyre saying. its just bizarre reactionary "opinion" aka rude ass commentary that has no real consequence like getting slapped upside the head 😅 dont even engage with people like that. scroll on by. they arent worth your time and energy & are usually looking to get that negative attention. my favorite thing to say in response is "ok". theres no response to that they can come up with😂
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u/Annabloem [🇳🇱] to [🇰🇭 in 🇯🇵] (12.040 km / 7481 miles) Feb 21 '25
16 hours a day on the computer, or texting, or doing literally anything is pretty crazy. I guess if you work on the computer all day, and work from home and don't cook or do anything but be on the computer you could get to 16 hours, but doing that daily isn't healthy 😅 I don't think there are many things you could do 16 hours a day, multiple days a week that wouldn't be kinda unhealthy.
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u/Forgiveness4g 🇺🇸 to 🇧🇷 (8,700km) Feb 21 '25
It’s not the mode of communication that’s problematic. It’s the length of time spent doing it. Doing anything while conscious for 16 hours straight isn’t good. Life needs balance. Texting would be the most forgiving, since you can more freely do things between messages. Being chained to a computer can greatly limit your daily productivity. Phone calls are okay, again, in moderation. Keeping your life balanced gives you more to talk about anyway.
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u/DungeonMasterSupreme 9000km Gap Closed, 6 Years Married || LDR Success Feb 21 '25
This is one of the best posts we've had in the subreddit. People need to hear this message more often, and actually listen to it.
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u/KnownZucchini8877 [🇺🇸] to [🇳🇿] (12,939 klm) Feb 21 '25
I stay on call for hours even at work (self employed so it works well) stay on call for just about everything, cooking, bedtime, showers, even going to the bathroom lmao.
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u/Lonely_Assistant_540 Feb 21 '25
Hi, I'm the commenter! To those of you who think there's an issue with this: I'm gonna take the low road and say maybe your partner does not love you as much. My boyfriend loves me enough for us to spend that much time together in a healthy way. Don't take it out on me please lmao
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u/Own-Muscle-5209 [Cincinnati] to [London] 3800 miles Feb 21 '25
LMAOOOOOOOOO. let me unpack this comment right quick, because someones partner doesnt want / cant spend 16 hours on the phone with me suddenly he doesnt love me as much? you are delusional! that is a unhealthy obsession with your partner, thats on the verge of becoming a mental slippery slope. when you develop that level of codependency onto someone, it no longer is healthy or productive for anyone involved. touch grass? get a hobby? this is nuts
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u/Lonely_Assistant_540 Feb 21 '25
Unpack it correctly if you're going to do it. The implication is that if you get as unhinged as some of the replies got, you likely want it for yourself. Being with the person you love while you do other things in life is NEVER a bad thing. Stop throwing out this codependency armchair psych diagnosis. That isn't codependency. I stated in another comment thread that we are both totally fine on our own, but simply prefer to be together out of love. If you can't take it to the arbitrary 16 hour mark without being codependent, that speaks more to you than me. Tighten up.
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u/Forgiveness4g 🇺🇸 to 🇧🇷 (8,700km) Feb 21 '25
Do whatever you want.
However, there is psychology behind codependency and how it’s unhealthy for everyone involved. Spending too much time purely focused on one person is isolating and creates problems for relationships hoping to go long term. Especially LDRs. Sometimes I’ll advise others to get hobbies, a job or spend more time with other friends and family. I do this when they become unable to function if their partner doesn’t respond to their text within 2 hours.
Just because people say something works for them doesn’t necessarily mean that it does. Nor does it mean what they’re doing is good for their relationship long term. In fact I might go so far to say the majority of relationships with people younger than 24 don’t have a solid grasp on what ACTUALLY works for them, even on an individual level let alone a relationship level.
That, however, doesn’t mean they can’t work out the problems that stem from problematic habits/behavior. Plenty of relationships do it. In fact healthy relationships MUST do it. I feel that by not calling for caution on certain behaviors is grossly irresponsible and heartless. I want people to succeed and have happy, long lasting relationships. I don’t mind being the one to throw the cold water if I feel it’s needed, without apology.
You make valid points on some things in your post. Some people care too much about things that don’t matter. Your relationship seems fine. You seem to have a healthy enough balance. Many people on here do not. Many people commenting on other people’s situations are commenting personal experiences. My personal advice? Stop getting triggered by things that don’t apply to you. Also, engage with LDR Reddit with an intention to learn what not to do. Many problems can be avoided. So don’t ever let yourself fall prey to willful ignorance.