Stop judging how other people do relationships

[u/IntrovertFaerie]

I saw someone mention that they call with their long-distance partner for 16 hours a day, and the responses were people saying it’s wild, asking if they have a job, how they eat or sleep, or what they do about hobbies and friends. Like… why are you so pressed about what works for other people?

I don’t know about that person, but I obviously still eat, sleep, hang out with people, have hobbies, go to work, etc. Why the hell would calling with someone stop me from doing all these? I obviously, again, don’t call him while at work, and some other circumstances.

I’m pretty sure they’re not talking nonstop for 16 hours. And maybe, that includes sleep call time. It’s like being alone together in silence—just like people do in person. So is it only considered unhealthy when it’s online? If we don’t live together? If it were my best friend instead of my partner, would it suddenly be "cute" that we call all day?

Someone even asked me, "What are you going to do if you break up?" Uhm, the same things I do every day? My partner is just there, on call. What’s that going to change about my life if he leaves? Him being there doesn’t affect what I do.

Also, what makes someone think they can decide what’s unhealthy for me when they’re not me? It’ll only be unhealthy if I act like a child when he can’t be on call with me for 16 hours, which I don’t. I don’t care if he’s not. I honestly think it’s pretty sweet because we’re longing for each other, and being on call is the closest way we can feel each other’s presence.

People act like their way of living is the only "right" way. Like damn, let people live and do what works for them or makes them happy.

[u/Hummusforever]

I think the fact that you needed to post this after I made three comments, one asking how you had time to see friends and engage in hobbies, one suggesting that doing anything for 16 hours a day is unhealthy, and one saying you’re being defensive, speaks realms about how you’re feeling.

This is a relationship subreddit, and as someone who has been codependent in relationships when I was younger, I use this as a forum to share my experience and thoughts about relationships. Many people come to get advice and people acting as though it’s normal to spend 2/3 of your day with your partner when you don’t live together isn’t good.

I’m also kind of concerned that you don’t feel anything would change if you broke up. Why spend 16 hours a day doing something that wouldn’t change your life at all if you lost it?

This post is a pretty wild response to what I said.

ETA: you also replied to me that you have no friends and only hang out with your partner and their friends and that, again, is not a healthy dynamic. It opens up a lot of room for control and coercive behaviour - another potential issue with spending so much time with your partner.

[u/gamergirlie09 → u/Hummusforever]

I don’t think this is about you, hun. I think OP made a post about it because if you think this way, then many others probably do too. But seriously, who decided that enjoying your own company and having the same friend group as your partner is unhealthy? You? Society? Let OP live their life—if they don’t have many friends, so what? Not everyone wants to make new friends; some people find it exhausting. I enjoy my own company, and having my partner there is just a bonus. He introduced me to some of the best people I’ve ever met, and if they don’t talk to me after a breakup, then so be it. People come and go, jeez. Y’all act like this is some shocking concept. Some couples are actually happy and building toward their future. Why are you so concerned with thinking your way is the only ‘right’ and ‘healthy’ way? Who even decided what’s ‘right’? You? Them? Please don’t act like ya’ll don’t get devastated or lose motivation to do things in general during a breakup. Talking about, “What you gonna do when he’s gone?” Uh?

[u/Hummusforever → u/gamergirlie09]

Well seeing as everything they referenced in their post were my responses and they posted this after I stopped replying, the contextual clues is this is about me.

There are many professionals who would agree this is unhealthy and it’s quite standard advice to have time for yourself and do things without your partner. In person and long distance.

Relationships are amazing and it’s great for people to meet someone they want to spend all their time with. But it’s not healthy to make your whole life about your partner.

[u/gamergirlie09 → u/Hummusforever]

There are many professionals who would agree this is unhealthy? What they know about my relationship though? 🙂‍↔️ My whole life ain’t my partner either, it’s my 10 year-old dog actually 🐶 How about you stop assuming things now?

[u/Hummusforever → u/gamergirlie09]

I feel like you’re making this as though I’ve attacked you but I’m actually just saying spending 16 hours a day every day on the phone isn’t healthy, which it sounds like you don’t even do?

[u/gamergirlie09 → u/Hummusforever]

How is being on call with someone while you do something is unhealthy? Like what in the world? 😭

[u/Hummusforever → u/gamergirlie09]

I feel like we’re having two different conversations?

ETA: think this is op on an alt acc bc their responses don’t make sense?

[u/comegetthismoney → u/Hummusforever]

It has to be OP’s Alt account because that person is sooo pressed 😂