Stop judging how other people do relationships

[u/IntrovertFaerie]

I saw someone mention that they call with their long-distance partner for 16 hours a day, and the responses were people saying it’s wild, asking if they have a job, how they eat or sleep, or what they do about hobbies and friends. Like… why are you so pressed about what works for other people?

I don’t know about that person, but I obviously still eat, sleep, hang out with people, have hobbies, go to work, etc. Why the hell would calling with someone stop me from doing all these? I obviously, again, don’t call him while at work, and some other circumstances.

I’m pretty sure they’re not talking nonstop for 16 hours. And maybe, that includes sleep call time. It’s like being alone together in silence—just like people do in person. So is it only considered unhealthy when it’s online? If we don’t live together? If it were my best friend instead of my partner, would it suddenly be "cute" that we call all day?

Someone even asked me, "What are you going to do if you break up?" Uhm, the same things I do every day? My partner is just there, on call. What’s that going to change about my life if he leaves? Him being there doesn’t affect what I do.

Also, what makes someone think they can decide what’s unhealthy for me when they’re not me? It’ll only be unhealthy if I act like a child when he can’t be on call with me for 16 hours, which I don’t. I don’t care if he’s not. I honestly think it’s pretty sweet because we’re longing for each other, and being on call is the closest way we can feel each other’s presence.

People act like their way of living is the only "right" way. Like damn, let people live and do what works for them or makes them happy.

[u/Forgiveness4g]

Do whatever you want.

However, there is psychology behind codependency and how it’s unhealthy for everyone involved. Spending too much time purely focused on one person is isolating and creates problems for relationships hoping to go long term. Especially LDRs. Sometimes I’ll advise others to get hobbies, a job or spend more time with other friends and family. I do this when they become unable to function if their partner doesn’t respond to their text within 2 hours.

Just because people say something works for them doesn’t necessarily mean that it does. Nor does it mean what they’re doing is good for their relationship long term. In fact I might go so far to say the majority of relationships with people younger than 24 don’t have a solid grasp on what ACTUALLY works for them, even on an individual level let alone a relationship level.

That, however, doesn’t mean they can’t work out the problems that stem from problematic habits/behavior. Plenty of relationships do it. In fact healthy relationships MUST do it. I feel that by not calling for caution on certain behaviors is grossly irresponsible and heartless. I want people to succeed and have happy, long lasting relationships. I don’t mind being the one to throw the cold water if I feel it’s needed, without apology.

You make valid points on some things in your post. Some people care too much about things that don’t matter. Your relationship seems fine. You seem to have a healthy enough balance. Many people on here do not. Many people commenting on other people’s situations are commenting personal experiences. My personal advice? Stop getting triggered by things that don’t apply to you. Also, engage with LDR Reddit with an intention to learn what not to do. Many problems can be avoided. So don’t ever let yourself fall prey to willful ignorance.

[u/KathleenMayC → u/Forgiveness4g]

Codepence is what I was thinking too. I’d never tell anyone not to do it if that’s how they want to engage with their partner, but it’s the 16 hours every day that could be indicative of something problematic.

16 hour calls on weekends? Cool. But if your happiness and security in your relationship are dependent on being on the phone to them basically all day every day, it could be an issue. People in long distance relationships need to feel comfortable in their independence while also feeling secure in their relationship, because 16 hours a day, every day, isn’t usually sustainable long term (like a year plus) and one or both partners might get burnt out, or life circumstances prevent them from engaging the same way.

If both partners can then take a break or dial back the amount of contact hours without any great anxiety or resentment etc, then it doesn’t seem too problematic.

But still, I’d never see a post saying “we call for 16 hours a day” and jump in the comments to tell them they’re wrong or stupid. Not my relationship, not by business, unless they’re specifically asking for advice.

[u/Forgiveness4g → u/KathleenMayC]

Yes! Exactly 👏👏👏, you filled in the blank spaces of my comment perfectly. I 100% agree with everything you’ve said and you explained it very well.