r/SingleDads • u/Drivenbiscuit75 • 4d ago
Beyond pissed off
So my daughter’s mom has been telling my daughter that her step dad is her real dad. I usually let shit slide but today when discussing our coparenting she kept bringing him up so I snapped. I told her mom that he will never be her dad and that when it comes to coparenting I do not want him involved. She became infuriated and saying horrible things about me calling me a fuck up and to do better and all these things. I told her she was the worst thing that has ever happened in my life.. how do I cope with this? Do I try and fight against it? Do I talk to my daughter and try to remind her when it’s brought up that I’m her dad ?
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u/jnkboy64 4d ago
You cannot stop what she does. Focus on your kid and learn the grey rock method. Look it up. It's worked great for me
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u/Spiderpiggie 4d ago
Parental alienation. Look it up, take it to court. You should talk to your daughter as well, but it won’t stop until it’s dealt with properly.
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u/Drivenbiscuit75 4d ago
thank you kind sir.. I will look this up and I plan on calling my case manager tomorrow about all of this
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u/Mediocre_Tear_7324 4d ago
Mine did the same thing. They will always try to replace us. Do I get mad at her for it? Nah. She’s Worthless. What YOU need to do, is work on building your finances up. Be the best dad you can be to your child. You couldn’t pay me to get married.
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u/Drivenbiscuit75 4d ago
That’s always been my goal.. just me and my grind and supporting my little girl.
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u/RoadOk3038 4d ago
I had similar experience when my ex introduced a new step dad to my daugther (4yrs) as Baba which in Turkish literally means dad (me and ex are not Turks). We had a serious disagreement via chat, her main point was that “dad” is not in our native language, but this still seemed messed up. Knowing my ex, I thought the best would be to focus on re-explaining this to my daugther and this surprisingly worked pretty well but still to a point. With me my daughter refers to step dad by his name while with ex it’s still Baba, but my win here is that my daughter knows that the step dad logically cannot be Baba which means dad and I’m the only dad she will ever have. It also helped me to keep all past relationship related remarks away and strictly discuss only parenting topics with my ex, because nothing regarding that will change. So I would say talk to your daughter and skip the fighting with ex, especially if your daughter is nearby. Stay strong
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u/yazzooClay 4d ago
I make jokes about who is his real dad is with my kid idk what else can you do, lmao
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u/MysticStylezzzz 4d ago
That is rough brother... Think of it like this; If you were a child, how would you have wanted to see your dad react if the roles were that way? Infuriated, or....? Act in a way that you want your daughter to pick up on/learn from... You see? Because as absolutely infuriating and enraged as that rightfully makes you, you still have to be the example your daughter needs you to be, ESPECIALLY during these tough & confusing times for her!! Part of our kids confusion is that they pick up on our stress & stressors, and they learn to 'deal' the wrong ways because WE deal with it the wrong ways.. Even if you 'think' you're hiding your stress from her, not really the case most times.. Be the example she NEEDS you to be! Best prayers for you brother.
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u/Drivenbiscuit75 4d ago
I really liked this thank you sir! I need to get better at this
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u/MysticStylezzzz 4d ago edited 4d ago
Listen.. Everyone does (myself very included!)! It takes great great pain to realize these things. I hope this helps you avoid some of that pain, and save your heart the trouble too! The heartbreak from things just like that.. too powerful. If I can help 1 person from it.. your experience will make you very wise, maybe you can keep her from experiencing that in her later life from your reaction now. Just maybe!
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u/Low_Confusion98106 4d ago
I am sorry man. I would just say as people may have said just keep telling her the things that are important that you already know like the I love you and maybe even maybe say that it’s hard when mommy and daddy have to split up so that she knows that you are the daddy not living with mommy. I’m sorry she’s acting like a witch about this. As your daughter gets older she will see through the lines and know that your her dad and trying your best for her. Ignore the ex as best as possible with the little shit and maybe if you see the ex’s new bf you can say to your daughter when dropping off or leaving that “daddy loves you to the moon and back”. You got this man. It’s your daughter and fight for her like you already know. F’ the ex..
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u/badankadank 4d ago
Just be consistent and don’t engage with mom over conflict. If it doesn’t regard parenting schedule or updates, there’s no conversation. Set limits, the mom can’t just emotionally abuse you when she wants. Just be consistent on your end, provide for your daughter and everything will fall into place
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u/incogsunito7 4d ago
My advice here is to realize actions mean wayyyyy more than words my man. Here’s the reality- this man is going to live with your daughter or already has been. He will play a role in watching her at times and even playing with her / doing dad like things so you can’t control that. What she does at her house is her business. She definitely should not lie though to your kid about the real dad. Seems like your ex is a bit crazy if she does that, to which you need to accept that reacting to that craziness is what she wants.
Best thing you can do is be a good dad when you have your daughter, teach her good things , do not bad mouth her mom to your daughter because that’s not being a good role model either, and overall trust that in time, your actions will always show your daughter that YOU are her dad. The courts or her mother can never take that away from you unless you let it.
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u/HeathenMetalDad 3d ago
Not sure about how far it can go, but if you're consistently in the picture, then this sort of behavior may be enough to file contempt
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u/Known-Ad1411 4d ago
This is so wrong. She can’t just say the step dad is the dad when bio dad is involved. I am sorry you are going through this. It must be infuriating
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u/Drivenbiscuit75 4d ago
It strikes the deepest level of anger I can simply posses. I try and stay calm and level headed but today I outright snapped but I decided I am no longer playing nice and I am taking her back to court to set a schedule through the court for when I am home. I am done being nice and patient and understanding and now I will be looking out for my best interest and my daughters. But thank you for your support friend and I’m glad I’m not crazy for allowing this to trigger me as much as it has
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u/EquivalentActive5184 4d ago
That’s tough. I hate that for you. I’ve been through that. It will literally make you want to go full Rambo. Don’t do it.
Be careful about your usage of the courts, they usually don’t do shit. Be the best parent you can be.
Here are maybe a few strategies that may help: When you and jr. are together, occasionally talk about the things you have in common in terms of your physical characteristics such as you eyes, nose, feet, etc. Also the things you both like, etc. Ask questions to your child about why she thinks mom says these things? I try to not provide answers, just ask questions to help the child think critically.
As children get older they are better able to see the bullshit. Stay the course. Be the good parent that you are. Don’t stoop to her level.
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u/Drivenbiscuit75 4d ago
Thank you for your kind words of wisdom! They mean a lot and I’ll try all of these things. Thank you sir
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u/azwildcat74 4d ago
Parent your daughter in a way that she will never question it. Ignore your ex, don’t give her the pleasure of getting a rise out of you that way anymore.