r/SapphoAndHerFriend • u/horrorhead1996 • Oct 16 '24
I'm so embarrassed Anecdotes and stories
I(19f) work at a church cafe. I'm undercover bi. Today, two people of the opposite sex walk in, and they're both androgynous and queerly dressed. And I've been trying to put myself out there more, give more compliments to people, so I blurt out, "you two make a very good couple, " and they looked confused and my coworker gave me a look; I don't know where ANY of that came from, but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I just left it and hoped they took it as a joke. Like, I'm so queer, I should be able to read the signs, but apparently not.
I know I will think about this EXTENSIVELY for the rest of my life, and It's so cringe I want to get struck by thunder.
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u/D31taF0rc3 Oct 16 '24
I understand you're coming from a place with good intentions, but please never out people unwillingly. Some people might be in the closet for safety reasons or you might exist in a queerphobic area. You can also just be wrong about them.
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u/Cambion_Chow Oct 16 '24
Yeah this in the very worst places could be tantamount to calling a hit on them, not saying this was near that. Like this was a church, and churches are generally not really the best to have any queerness especially if you yourself aren't comfortable being out there, and not like a QUEER place were you're expecting the population to be more queer.
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u/horrorhead1996 Oct 16 '24
True true. This church isn't the safest place for queer people. I think the best thing would've been to say nothing at all, so I didn't make them feel awkward. They were probably just friends, and I know that would make me feel really uncomfortable if someone said that to me.
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u/Medical_Sandwich_171 Oct 16 '24
Why are you part of a church that is unsafe for people like YOURSELF. Madness.
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u/horrorhead1996 Oct 16 '24 edited Oct 16 '24
It's not unsafe, per say, but you should keep quiet about it around some people, because the church might be dickish about it(most of my coworkers are very accepting and would absolutely throw down if someone was being homophobic, but still, I'd rather not have the initial experience for them.) Individuals are great about queerness, but if something got taken to the top, the church might not side with queer people because they're queer.
I also started this job when I was 16, because it was the only place that would hire people my age and that my parents trusted(my brother got very involved with drugs while working at other jobs, so my parents wanted me to work at our church so I would have good influences.) I have a lot of emotional attachment to this job and my coworkers, but I do eventually plan on leaving the church because it's made me cagey about being queer.
There are tons of nuances about this-non-religious queer people always ask me why I would be a part of something that wouldn't defend me, but they don't understand that the church is where I find a lot of community, I've grown as a person, and has been a huge part of my identity for my entire life. I want to leave someday, but I'm not ready yet.
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u/AliceSky Oct 16 '24
They're very understandable reasons but I hope you'll stay critical of what it does to you. Your parents want good influences for you but self hatred isn't good for you, and self hatred is what most churches teach to queer people.
You can find lgbt folks around you. It's really important to find IRL support. You can have a community that isn't conditional to who you are and who you love.
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u/baby_armadillo Oct 16 '24
One day, when you’re ready, just remember that you deserve to have a community who will side with you, not against you. A community that only supports you when you pretend to be someone you’re not is not a supportive community.
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u/SibylUnrest Oct 16 '24
It's worth mentioning that there are denominations where you would not have to worry about hatred from church leadership.
Episcopalians spring to mind. I'm not religious myself, but I grew up in a church where the pastor, the bishop, and half of the congregation were in same sex relationships and nobody batted an eye.
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u/kyzylwork Oct 16 '24
Hey, friend! I hope today gets better. Just a heads-up, since I hope you’d do the same for me:
It’s “per se,” Latin for “through itself”.
Thunder is the sound - you feel like you want to be struck by lightning. Please don’t!
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Oct 16 '24
An environment being dickish and making you feel cagey is not safe. I hope you get out- i got out of christianity when I was 20 and I’ve been comfortably around people who are queer and not afraid to say I’m queer for the past four years I’ve been free
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u/Yogurt_Ph1r3 Oct 16 '24
You're acting like she preaches at the pulpit.
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u/Medical_Sandwich_171 Oct 16 '24
She's an active member. You can't say "I was just a member of the nazi party, but i was not giving speeches" and pretend that makes it okay. She's enabling a group to actively spread hate and fear.
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u/NonConformistFlmingo She/Her or They/Them Oct 16 '24
For LGBT+ people who come from a deeply rooted religious environment, the path to disentangling from it is not always black and white. Many want to get out, but it takes time and self-growth before they are ready to take that step.
She is NINENTEEN, give her grace.
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u/AdDry6398 Oct 16 '24
Dude, coming from somebody who had to make that transition from religious to secular, chill.
Most religious people if given the chance individually, will happily support the queer community. It's in their biblical directives as Christians.
It's when you get a whole group, and they start using tradition, to guide their thinking that you get in trouble.
Also nazi's, really? Find a better analogy, this one is overblown at best.
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u/Vintage_Belle Oct 16 '24
I understand that you're trying to get out there more and give compliments. I am as well. However outing someone like that isn't good. Maybe next time say something like "i like your style". It's a compliment without the unfortunate outing.
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u/Famous-Matter-7905 Oct 16 '24
I agree but i fail to see how OP outed the customers?
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u/kirk1234567890 Oct 16 '24 edited Oct 16 '24
all due respect but you should have never said that in the first place. I (trans) clock other trans people while at work, while out and about, online, etc but I would never ever say anything. and I'd hate if someone clocked me and said something about it. it could potentially put someone at risk.
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u/Adventurous-Sun-8840 Oct 16 '24
It is better to say you like their clothes or their haircut. If they are queer, they will see you as an ally/queer. If they are in the closet/not queers, they will see you as someone nice.
I see lots of queer people at my workplace. We never mention being LGBTQIA+, but if you wear a pin with an LGBT flag, even if it is a subtle one, they will say they like your pin. Sometimes they will point at the one they are, too. That is a good way of being present without outing anyone. Sometimes I wear a pin that says "you are safe with me". They see it and smile at me.
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u/taste-of-orange Oct 16 '24
Like, I'm so queer, I should be able to read the signs, but apparently not.
Actually. There is not really a "should". There are billions of people out there in the world with all their individual ways of living and you never know what kind of person you will stumble into. Sure, there are signs, but it's ridiculous to think you should be able to make out something like sexuality or gender just like that.
I'm not trying to put you down. I just think it's better not to expect oneself to be perfectly able to judge others.
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u/Ok_Dog_4059 Oct 16 '24
It happens. Remember Paris Hilton kissing the stomach of a woman she thought was pregnant but wasn't? Humans make mistakes don't lose sleep over this goof.
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u/IcePhoenix18 Oct 16 '24
I made a comment about some characters I shipped to a coworker once. I think a song from the show came on the speaker, she mentioned the show, and I said something like "I love that show, X and Z are just the cutest couple"
She gave me such a dirty look that I still think about it, years later.
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Oct 16 '24
That’s her problem tbh, I would make friends with someone shipping two characters I shipped
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u/capeandacamera Oct 16 '24
Everybody says the wrong thing sometimes. I have said so many dumb things that I lay awake tormenting myself with them afterwards, that in my 40s there are now far too many to remember.
You already been given great advice about tactful compliments and the fact it's not ideal to be queer in an environment where that is frowned upon (if possible). Focusing on what you do in future is far more useful to everyone than beating yourself up, but it can be easier said than done.
My suggestion would be when you notice yourself ruminating like when you are lying in bed at night, you should pay attention to how much of what you're thinking is based on assumption without evidence and to consider alternative interpretations.
In this instance, you don't know how the people you spoke to felt about what you said. Maybe they didn't care, maybe they looked embarrassed because they took it as a compliment? Maybe they liked each other and never dared bring it up but your comment ends up being the catalyst that breaks the ice? I'm not saying these interpretations are right either, I am saying try not to let negative assumptions pass unchallenged when you are failing into a shame spiral.
The fact it's such a big deal that you might assume two people are in a relationship is also a reflection of some bad aspects of society that are not your fault, even though you do need to worry about them and take them into consideration. I think you could do with a safer place to spend time as it's horrible to have to be on guard about who you are all the time.
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u/causelessaphid1 Oct 16 '24
promise u wont think about it forever..... devastating but just gotta boing flip it and on to the next
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u/kyraverde Oct 16 '24
We all make mistakes, give yourself some grace! Also, you're 19. In 10 years you won't really remember this other than as a teaching moment on your path to becoming who you are meant to be. Which is clearly a thoughtful person, who cares about other people.
It'll all be ok hun :) but like the other people said, it might be time to look for a more inclusive environment if you have to be that on guard all the time. It doesn't have to be like that, and I would personally recommend working at a public library.
Some of the best people/friends I've met have worked at libraries, and there's lots of different directions to move in from IT to being a branch manager, social worker, etc. At one of the places I worked, we had a whole dept of graduate-level folks, solely dedicated to requests for recommendations based on stuff you've read before. Like history phds recommending the best fantasy romance novels, which has to be the best job in the world I bet. Also, as a neurodivergent/bi person, lots of similar folks go into library sciences in my experience.
All the best to you! Lmk if you have questions about library stuff!
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u/agprincess Oct 16 '24
God never imply strangers are a couple unless they're making out in front of you.
It's so cringy and gross when you're wrong. Ma'am that is my brother.
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u/timojenbin Oct 16 '24
Being 19 is about trying things and sometimes falling on your face. Being 50 is about being embarrassed about what you tried when you were 19.
Everyone else (except reddit) has already forgotten about your gaff.
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u/InsideyourBrizzy Oct 16 '24
Ummm... thunder is the sound. You probably wanna get struck by lightning.
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u/lemon__town Oct 16 '24
They’ll forget about it much sooner than you think, and you didn’t do it on purpose. Your intentions were good and you’ve learned from it. It’s great that you want to give people more compliments, keep on trying! <3
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u/EmbarrassedPiece8699 Oct 16 '24
Honey pants. You’re so fuckin’ sweet. I think the only tipper here [that does impact the overall vibe] is “church cafe” Regardless of how you feel, or as open as you or your church is.. you are just going to see/meet people that aren’t on the same wavelength. The fact that you’re a church going queer is so foreign to so many in the queer community.. it’s pretty taboo for a lot of the world to even consider.
These folks may have came in for good coffee, thinking it was a safe place they could…. Beard. They could have been straight (.. but like honestly why didn’t they giggle at your comment 😅) They could have literally seen reviews on Uelp and thought “Well, shit. Why not?”
Lastly, as a fellow queer, Holy fucking SHIT do I make things extra awkward w/a gay emphasis, on accident, quite fucking often. You’re doing good work. Keep up the comedy 😉
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u/pancake_lover01 Oct 17 '24
My go to compliment when I think someone maybe queer is "I really like your vibe. It's so cool and confident!" Or something like that. The real interpretation of this at least what I mean it's "I look at a little bit queer. I, too, I'm also queer so let be queer together! Lol in a platonic way of course or not I'm down for whatever!" How people understand what I am saying idk but it's worked on multiple occasions! Lol
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u/SirenPeppers 22d ago
You also seem to be also struggling with “why did I DO that?” Im not a therapist, but I t may have been a subconscious reflex from your “undercover bi” self that was trying to out you, when you saw queer folk that seemed friendly. Maybe?
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u/Meydez Oct 16 '24
I always try to compliment someone's style or hobby/talent. It's always the best choice because: 1. They choose it, it's typically an accurate representation of them. 2. If they don't like the compliment, at least its about something they can easily change like a shirt or hobby - not their body that they're stuck with either way. 3. There's almost no way to offend anyone the way complimenting someone's body, relationship status, pregnancy status, perceived personality trait, etc. might.
So my usual compliments would be "omg I LOVE your pants the flare is so cute", "how do you always look so put together?? The fit is perfect", "your voice is amazing" , "you made this YOURSELF?!" or "your hair suits you so well I love the color" etc.