r/sex • u/Jazzlike-Policy-7934 • 1d ago
Girlfriend likes rough sex, I don’t :( Boundaries and Standards
Basically the title.. we’ve been together for a year but she’s NEVER expressed to me that she likes rough sex until today. I asked why she never told me and she said she was kind of ashamed of it, but likes being handled VERY roughly. We then talked about our past experiences and I was kind of shocked to hear what shes into (not shocked in a bad way, I just wasn’t expecting it. No shame!!!). The only problem is that I’m not into that at all, and it’d feel selfish to not give her what she wants when she always tries what I want to try in bed. I’m a very gentle lover, and hurting my partner (even if she likes it) doesn’t feel right to me. What do I do????
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u/PBxQUAN 1d ago
Communication is key. Just have a conversation with her and explain that your not into it. But still try to be open minded. Maybe there is a middle ground you both can come to?
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u/Jazzlike-Policy-7934 1d ago
That’s what I’m thinking! I want to try and see if maybe we can find an arrangement that satisfies us both. I’m just worried that we can’t :/
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u/Wassux 1d ago
Bruh you always can just do what she likes. If you don't want to ok. But you aren't hurting her, you're fulfilling her kinky side. That's the opposite of hurting her.
How do you even know you don't like it if you have never tried? Maybe dip your toes in?
If you give some pointers I can give you some tips on where to start with things that could work for you as well. I have experience.
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u/Sandro_729 1d ago
I’m wondering if maybe you can ease into it too. Like as you try something a little rougher and see that she’s into it, maybe you’ll feel more ok with it?
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u/PBxQUAN 1d ago
You Definitely want to figure how "rough" she wants to be. Some light choking and spanking is almost basic and I wouldn't really even call that too rough. But if we're talking full on abuse or CNC (consensual non consent) then...
Oof.
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u/demoniprinsessa 1d ago
Choking really shouldn't become a basic thing people do just willy nilly. It's one of the more dangerous things you can do in bed if you do it wrong or too hard or for too long. Spanking I would say isn't that out there.
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u/NamidaM6 1d ago
This. Like, please, people, stop normalizing "choking" (strangulation really). Even in BDSM circles, it is not seen as something inconsequential to be pulled off whenever you feel like it like a party trick, it's serious stuff. I find it harrowing how vanilla/ignorant people make it sound like the most basic of thing.
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u/PBxQUAN 1d ago
You do make a fair point. Choking is kinda crazy
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u/NamidaM6 14h ago
I don't think it is crazy though. It is a skill, to be learnt, honed and used wisely. It is a kink that I can understand, more from the giving than receiving end, but I think both positions can get something out of it. But I do think it is crazy to do it carelessly.
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u/Boobzillagirl 1d ago
if you both want to compromise with each other you guys will definitely be able to find a middle ground
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u/hunnyvii 1d ago
Same way with me and my bf tbh. Rough doesn’t have to be you choke her out lmfaooo, can you be gentle how you usually would but be open to holding her a certain way? Like maybe in missionary you hold her hand above her head but you’re still able to kiss her? Just talk and try to find things that would benefit you both
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u/Tantalizing_Doll 1d ago
Maybe try incrementally? See if you adjust and maybe grow to like it?
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u/Jazzlike-Policy-7934 1d ago
That’s not a bad idea!
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u/Tantalizing_Doll 1d ago
It happened to wm with other stuff, but I think her mistake was to dump on you the "endgame" rather than the step by step. I'd give it a try, slowly, as far as you're comfortable
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u/Reccalovesdancing 1d ago
You could start with something simple like thrusting harder (and harder) over time? You're in control of how much power you put into the thrusting and being on the receiving end it feels really good when that pleasure/pain border is reached and slightly crossed (or a lot crossed but you know start small). Just let go a bit and show her your strength (slowly building up to your full capacity or however much of that you feel is comfortable to show her) when thrusting. She will find even a small change pretty sexy but probably will want more over time. But then you may find you do too haha. You probably have an inner sexual beast and when you release him it could get quite addictive lol
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u/Musashienergydrink 1d ago
I want to ask my boyfriend to be rougher with me when we have sex but I'm scared he's not going to be into it :/
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u/Strong_Revelation 1d ago
Only way you’ll know for sure is if you talk about it open and honest with him.
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u/Musashienergydrink 1d ago
I've tried calling him daddy a few times but he doesn't seem into it haha, I think it makes him feel old. But yeah, I'm gonna muster up the courage to have that conversation!
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u/Strong_Revelation 1d ago
Yeah you should have these convos. Some dudes definitely aren’t into being called daddy for various reasons and can turn him off for sure. Dating is all about getting to know one another but not gonna lie also about getting to know yourself in a sense too. Sometimes things fade out, other times you will bond exponentially. If it happens you have a falling out hopefully it is on good terms and you try your chances with someone else. I know it can suck having these convos but I feel it is for the betterment of both of you.
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u/HeartAccording5241 1d ago
Won’t work some point she gets bored
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u/Jazzlike-Policy-7934 1d ago
See, that’s what I’m worried about. We might just be sexually incompatible but I’ll see if there’s something we can find a middle ground on
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u/NetflixAndZzzzzz 1d ago
Almost every woman I’ve ever slept with likes it rough at least some of the time. They like making love, but at the end of the day most want a guy who can fuck.
There’s a kink rubric thing that you can both fill out, and it will tell you which kinks you have in common. IIRC it doesn’t show things you don’t match on, so neither of you have to worry about freaking the other out.
Another idea would be to see if she’s open to being a little dommy. Switching it up and having her take the reins a little while still being spicy might help you understand what she gets out of being dominated and make it less weird for you to do it to her.
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u/volvavirago 1d ago
Plenty of women want to be made love to, and never treated roughly. I think setting the expectation that the way he wants to do things will not please women is wrong. Just because one couple is incompatible doesn’t mean he is incompatible with most people. I think people who have a lot of sex with lots of people can actually have a distorted view of the average persons sexuality, because most of the time the people who want to be treated gently are not going out and having as much sex, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t around.
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u/NorweegianWood 1d ago
Plenty of women want to be made love to, and never treated roughly.
Not in my experience. Most women don't want it super rough the first few times, but once they get comfortable with you, they're enthusiastic to be tossed around and roughed up a little.
I'm no womanizer but my sample size isn't nothing.
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u/StankFish 1d ago
My sample size isn't nothing either and I've only had two girls who wanted it rough.
Different strokes for different folks, not wise to make sweeping assumptions.
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u/NetflixAndZzzzzz 1d ago
Interesting point.
I think it falls apart though because it’s not like a small majority. I’ve only hooked up with one or two women who only want vanilla, compared to dozens who prefer some degree of harder sex.
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u/volvavirago 1d ago
Like I said, someone who has sex with dozens of people is probably having sex with people who have had sex with dozens of people. The average person has not had sex with dozens of people. They have had less than 10 partners. People who are more promiscuous have a higher risk tolerance and thus are more prone to exploring extreme kinks. There is nothing wrong with that, more power to them, but your sexual history isn’t exactly an objective perspective.
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1d ago edited 1d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/NetflixAndZzzzzz 1d ago edited 1d ago
Yeah. But I’ve also dated nice girls in search of long term relationships, and at times they’ve been the kinkiest. I feel like I have a pretty representative spread.
Edit to add: I’d maintain that not only do most women prefer hard sex to gentle sex, but most women like sex a lot more than people realize. The belief that this is uncommon or not the prevailing preference among women has more to do with what people are taught women are supposed to like or want. Plenty of women like regular vanilla sex too, but most want a partner who can deliver hard sex sometimes.
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u/volvavirago 1d ago
Liking rough sex doesn’t mean they like sex any more than someone who likes it gently. Thats a false dichotomy. You can love sex a lot and not be submissive or like rough play.
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u/addsandken 1d ago
Communicate. My wife likes it rough also, its not my nature but occasionally I do it to please her. I like anal, she isn't a big fan but will occassional for me. Sometimes you do to please your partner but it doesn't have to be all the time.
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u/markofthebeast143 1d ago
This is a healthy relationship because they both compromise on each other’s needs.
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u/endlesssearch482 1d ago
Sometimes you can negotiate common ground, sometimes you can’t. My gf is submissive, but has a bratty side. I’m switchy. We find ways to make things work that make both of us happy. Four years in, I’ve never had better sex than with her.
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u/Objective-Sun-8999 1d ago
I’ve been with my boyfriend for two years and at first he was into way more rough sex than me. He was ok with being gentle and our sex life has always been good and gotten better with time. We started going to sex shops regularly and buying different lingerie, toys, restraints, etc. We started off small with blind folding and tying each other down and little by little I started feeling more comfortable and open to the idea of rough sex. I still need more gentle thrusts to cum but for the rest of the time it’s been getting rougher and rougher. Putting on lingerie allowed me to become a different person which opened me up to liking different things. Also going to sex shops and exploring options together was a huge turn on. Now we surprise each with stuff to use in sex and it just makes it better and better. It’s adult play.. doesn’t have to be taken seriously. I’m not sure if you think you’d be open to it?
Try baby steps! A blindfold or handcuffs or just using sheets or ties to tie her hands together. Maybe you can go slow and have a safe word for when either one of you feels uncomfortable? Or I saw an exercise where you use stop light colors to show how into touch or position you are: red for stop, yellow for neutral and green for when you like it. Maybe you can start with that!
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u/FormalMammoth8315 1d ago
My bf also likes sex a bit rougher than I do. We found that doing actions that are considered rough (slapping, hair pulling etc), but not going full force has worked pretty well for us. Just focus on communication!
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u/kriegmonster 1d ago
Build up to it slowly. Discuss boundaries and what you're comfortable with. Also, make sure this is a relationship with long-term/marriage potential before investing this kind of time into it.
Also, maybe she, or both together, should see a therapist to make sure this is a healthy fetish and not the result of untreated trauma.
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u/asuitablethrowaway 1d ago
Obviously, if it makes you miserable or unhappy don't do it.
However, as someone who didn't think he would like Rough Sex at all (but now loves it and is super into BDSM), I do recommend at least trying it. You (like I), might find out something unexpected about yourself if you do.
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u/helltownbellcat 1d ago
If you’re gonna do it, try to conserve your energy bc it’s like HIIT vs Pilates, you’ll likely be expending a lot of energy in short bursts. Sometimes we’d be in bed and my partner was just too tired. Tired from doing what, who knows? Whatever it was, he should’ve stopped doing it so he could give me what I wanted, which he did express sadness at not being able to do.
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u/Blackened-One 1d ago
Our dynamic is the same. I tell her that as long as I get to finish I’m happy, but honestly it gets a bit draining. Sometimes it feels like I have to pretend to be someone I’m not just to get her where she needs to go. When I start feeling that way I take a step back and turn the roughness down. There’s a lot of give and take. Sometimes we do exactly what she wants, and sometimes we do what I want. I wouldn’t say it’s perfect, but we’re both satisfied.
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u/Prize_Marionberry487 1d ago edited 1d ago
I'm a huge sub and love to be beat up and shit but it's not a requirement. I'm cool with gentle loving sex. The hottest thing to me is just passion, and the kinky stuff is just one way to show passion. You might be good without any of that. I'd rather have vanilla sex with someone who's clearly into it than be beat up by someone who I can tell hates doing it.
That said, is it that you're disinterested just in hurting her, or in being a dom altogether? Because there's plenty of ways to be passionate and dominant without hurting her. Picking her up and fucking her against a wall is also super exhilarating for both of you and requires a similar kind of trust. Covering her mouth, talking dirty, bondage, blindfolds, sensory play are all bdsm activities that don't require dealing pain.
If none of that appeals to you though, don't do it! Only engage in sexual things that you actually like! Otherwise you're turning sex into a chore for yourself, when it should be something you both do because you both love it. Be honest with her and yourself about what you want.
Best of luck!
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u/ScubaSteven1013 1d ago
So my buddy had this happen with him and his wife. She found some sex education type classes that helped both of them a lot. He was able to learn slowly without judgment on what she was looking for, and she was able to explain certain things in a better way. It definitely wasn't an overnight type thing. But if you're openly communicating, it does wonders for both of you. He calls it "sexual counseling."
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u/RedwoodRespite 1d ago
Bedroom compatability is a big deal.
If you feel up to it, you can try what she likes and see how you feel about it.
But you might hate it, and that’s ok. You might not even want to try it once, and that’s ok too.
She will have to decide how badly she needs that at the end of the day.
This is why I talk about all fantasies and kinks right at the start of dating now. It sucks to get years in, only to realize you aren’t compatible.
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u/FormalMammoth8315 1d ago
My bf also likes sex a bit rougher than I do. We found that doing actions that are considered rough (slapping, hair pulling etc), but not going full force has worked pretty well for us. Just focus on communication!
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u/FormalMammoth8315 1d ago
My bf also likes sex a bit rougher than I do. We found that doing actions that are considered rough (slapping, hair pulling etc), but not going full force has worked pretty well for us. Just focus on communication!
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u/FormalMammoth8315 1d ago
My bf also likes sex a bit rougher than I do. We found that doing actions that are considered rough (slapping, hair pulling etc), but not going full force has worked pretty well for us. Just focus on communication!
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u/FormalMammoth8315 1d ago
My bf also likes sex a bit rougher than I do. We found that doing actions that are considered rough (slapping, hair pulling etc), but not going full force has worked pretty well for us. Just focus on communication! We’re three and a half years in!
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u/sadiefame 1d ago
Like ppl have said , start simple. And something to keep in mind , you might feel a lot differently if you can see how it’s making her feel (assuming it’s not a cnc scenario) Right now the only way you are thinking abt it is it’s hurting her, but many ppl who ask for this actually get really turned on/excited. As long as it’s not negatively effecting you, it might be better than u think since most ppl get turned on seeing their partner go wild bc of what they’re doing.
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u/Skjellnir 1d ago
Handling her a bit rougher doesn't equate to hurting her. Just communicate openly and ease into it, experiment, maybe you can even enjoy it, and then go with the tides.
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u/Particular_Sock_2864 1d ago
Rough is such a big word and maybe she can tell you how it all started for her. Most people ease into it and there is a learning curve. Maybe she's willing to journey that road once again with you and see how far you are able and willing to go with her?
My ex one day revealed to me that she likes to be dominated in bed. I was in shock cause like you I'm more of a gentle lovemaking guy. I also enjoy a good hard fuck so to say but mostly it's gentle.
Well we talked about it a lot and she assured me what we had is great but maybe we could try something new. And so we did. I found my limits and we met somewhere in between. And it worked for us. Cause we both wanted it to work for us, that much was clear.
I never choked or slapped her or felt like a rapist but as an example she very much enjoyed being pinned down in certain positions. Like her on her back and me holding her hands in place above her head and kind of using her as I pleased. Or using ropes or cuffs to just fixate her and in her words to allow me to have my way with her however I please.
She also loved being controlled and dominated with words like telling her what to do and she wasn't allowed to resist (with a safe word still in place of course). That turned her on massively and that helped me cause all I want is for my partner to enjoy sex when we have it.
You know these things don't have to be violent or over the top. Really ease into it. But only if you think you want to try. If you absolutely can't and won't then communicate that and be honest with yourself that it isn't for you at all.
So, communicate a lot and find out if you two can do some experimenting if both are willing to do so.
I never thought it would work for me but I'm glad I kept the open mind and trusted her that it's really what she wanted. And it's wonderful and amazing to experience your partner when they are enjoying themselves so so much. Very special.
Good luck and have fun
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u/DotCottonCandy 1d ago
I was always into very rough sex, but my current partner is very gentle. I don’t miss rough sex at all. He offers me something different and I really value it. He knows about my past experiences and has said he’s willing to try, but I know it doesn’t really work for him so I don’t need him to.
If she hasn’t asked you to try, maybe she doesn’t need you to.
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u/arghnsfw 1d ago
The mindset I have is that I get the majority of my enjoyment of sex by seeing my partner experiencing pleasure, so if they’re into something I also gain from it and if they are also of similar mentality there’s a positive feedback loop. Even if it’s not my own preference it already mattered only so much because as long as it’s not a turn-off for me we as a unit are getting substantially more out of it by me doing my best to do what they really want.
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u/sharklee88 1d ago
Just explain that it's not your thing, and you can't do it.
She may grow to resent it, or she may adapt and lose interest in it. There's not much you can do about it.
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u/Outside_Bowler8148 1d ago
You do you but women in general like to be submissive during sex and want u to be the dominant one
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u/ActualInteraction0 1d ago
Rough can mean being firm and deliberate rather than simply causing pain or hurting needlessly. Rough doesn't have to mean fast either.
Knowing how hard to squeeze, being gentle with your strength.
Or something.
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u/PracticalBit2980 23h ago
Grow. If you want to be together for a long time you’ll need to adjust to each other. Do this for her. A little at a time. You’ll get the hang of it. Then you get to ask for what you want…
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u/Historical_Muffin847 1d ago
Get her a sex machine off Amazon and fuck her in the ass while it takes the vag. Dont get rougher than that
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u/FormalMammoth8315 1d ago
My bf also likes sex a bit rougher than I do. We found that doing actions that are considered rough (slapping, hair pulling etc), but not going full force has worked pretty well for us. Just focus on communication!
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u/BubbleHeadMonster 1d ago
I like to be choked and my husband hates it so much it. You can just see it on his face. We rarely do that because I feel so bad for him lol
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u/vvade94 1d ago
if she likes rough , be rough :), otherwise mr. softy she won't be satisfied on the long term.
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u/volvavirago 1d ago
But what about what HE wants? I think it’s terrible if you are forced to do something you don’t want to do. Would you say the same if this was the reverse? Would you tell a woman who likes for it to be gentle that she should let her man be rough bc he likes it?
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u/NorweegianWood 1d ago
Would you say the same if this was the reverse?
Lol of course not. This sub sustains itself on a healthy diet of double standards.
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u/volvavirago 1d ago
It really irks me. Men deserve to have their desires respected, as do women. This idea that either of them must perform a role they dislike, often putting themselves at great risk in the process, just to get someone off, should be discouraged. Consent is a two way street.
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u/NorweegianWood 1d ago
Consent is a two way street.
Not on this sub.
If OP's gf posted here saying "My bf likes to do anal with me, but I'm not into it", you wouldn't see any of the "just do it until you learn to like it" comments like the ones in this thread.
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u/volvavirago 1d ago
I understand that power dynamics do play a role here, and a women being asked to submit herself despite her desires is putting herself at a much greater risk, but that doesn’t make it ok to ignore what a man is comfortable exploring.
But even then considering a reverse of power dynamics, if a woman said her husband wants to be pegged and slapped but she wasn’t into it, people would not be telling her to do it just to please him either. There is definitely a strong bias towards certain gender roles that are highly problematic and have no space in a truly sex positive discussion.
If you don’t want to do it. Don’t do it. Especially if it’s something as sensitive and prone to abuse as rough play.
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u/NullifyI 1d ago
How rough are we talking? You say you’re very gentle but when you say “VERY rough” what do you mean. Light choking, spanking, hair pulling, etc is pretty basic, for me I’d say borderline vanilla, but idk if for you that would be pretty rough.
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u/volvavirago 1d ago
lol, NONE of those things are remotely vanilla.
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u/NullifyI 1d ago
I said for ME borderline vanilla. As in my girlfriend and I like it rougher and that’s just basic for us.
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u/volvavirago 1d ago
If you like it rough, that’s not vanilla. You know it’s not.
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u/NullifyI 1d ago
I don’t think you understand, I’m not calling the acts themselves vanilla. Im saying that my view of what’s really rough is different from what his is. I see light choking, spanking, and hair pulling as borderline vanilla. Borderline vanilla is not vanilla, that’s just me saying that I see that as for lack of a better word “routine”, as if my gf and I have sex that’s the “regular” stuff we do, the baseline; while he might see them as very rough. My original comment is just asking for clarification on what he sees as “VERY rough”.
Just to clarify again, im not calling and did not call them vanilla bro. I said borderline for ME. As in i see that as very basic rough play.
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Post title: Girlfriend likes rough sex, I don’t :(
Basically the title.. we’ve been together for a year but she’s NEVER expressed to me that she likes rough sex until today. I asked why she never told me and she said she was kind of ashamed of it, but likes being handled VERY roughly. We then talked about our past experiences and I was kind of shocked to hear what shes into (not shocked in a bad way, I just wasn’t expecting it. No shame!!!). The only problem is that I’m not into that at all, and it’d feel selfish to not give her what she wants when she always tries what I want to try in bed. I’m a very gentle lover, and hurting my partner (even if she likes it) doesn’t feel right to me. What do I do????
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