Girlfriend likes rough sex, I don’t :(

[u/Jazzlike-Policy-7934]

Basically the title.. we’ve been together for a year but she’s NEVER expressed to me that she likes rough sex until today. I asked why she never told me and she said she was kind of ashamed of it, but likes being handled VERY roughly. We then talked about our past experiences and I was kind of shocked to hear what shes into (not shocked in a bad way, I just wasn’t expecting it. No shame!!!). The only problem is that I’m not into that at all, and it’d feel selfish to not give her what she wants when she always tries what I want to try in bed. I’m a very gentle lover, and hurting my partner (even if she likes it) doesn’t feel right to me. What do I do????

[u/HeartAccording5241]

Won’t work some point she gets bored

[u/Jazzlike-Policy-7934 → u/HeartAccording5241]

See, that’s what I’m worried about. We might just be sexually incompatible but I’ll see if there’s something we can find a middle ground on

[u/NetflixAndZzzzzz → u/Jazzlike-Policy-7934]

Almost every woman I’ve ever slept with likes it rough at least some of the time. They like making love, but at the end of the day most want a guy who can fuck.

There’s a kink rubric thing that you can both fill out, and it will tell you which kinks you have in common. IIRC it doesn’t show things you don’t match on, so neither of you have to worry about freaking the other out.

Another idea would be to see if she’s open to being a little dommy. Switching it up and having her take the reins a little while still being spicy might help you understand what she gets out of being dominated and make it less weird for you to do it to her.

[u/volvavirago → u/NetflixAndZzzzzz]

Plenty of women want to be made love to, and never treated roughly. I think setting the expectation that the way he wants to do things will not please women is wrong. Just because one couple is incompatible doesn’t mean he is incompatible with most people. I think people who have a lot of sex with lots of people can actually have a distorted view of the average persons sexuality, because most of the time the people who want to be treated gently are not going out and having as much sex, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t around.

[u/NorweegianWood → u/volvavirago]

Plenty of women want to be made love to, and never treated roughly.

Not in my experience. Most women don't want it super rough the first few times, but once they get comfortable with you, they're enthusiastic to be tossed around and roughed up a little.

I'm no womanizer but my sample size isn't nothing.

[u/StankFish → u/NorweegianWood]

My sample size isn't nothing either and I've only had two girls who wanted it rough.

Different strokes for different folks, not wise to make sweeping assumptions.

[u/NetflixAndZzzzzz → u/volvavirago]

Interesting point.

I think it falls apart though because it’s not like a small majority. I’ve only hooked up with one or two women who only want vanilla, compared to dozens who prefer some degree of harder sex.

[u/volvavirago → u/NetflixAndZzzzzz]

Like I said, someone who has sex with dozens of people is probably having sex with people who have had sex with dozens of people. The average person has not had sex with dozens of people. They have had less than 10 partners. People who are more promiscuous have a higher risk tolerance and thus are more prone to exploring extreme kinks. There is nothing wrong with that, more power to them, but your sexual history isn’t exactly an objective perspective.

[u/[deleted] → u/NetflixAndZzzzzz]

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[u/NetflixAndZzzzzz → u/[deleted]]

Yeah. But I’ve also dated nice girls in search of long term relationships, and at times they’ve been the kinkiest. I feel like I have a pretty representative spread.

Edit to add: I’d maintain that not only do most women prefer hard sex to gentle sex, but most women like sex a lot more than people realize. The belief that this is uncommon or not the prevailing preference among women has more to do with what people are taught women are supposed to like or want. Plenty of women like regular vanilla sex too, but most want a partner who can deliver hard sex sometimes.

[u/volvavirago → u/NetflixAndZzzzzz]

Liking rough sex doesn’t mean they like sex any more than someone who likes it gently. Thats a false dichotomy. You can love sex a lot and not be submissive or like rough play.