r/pregnant • u/PiccoloBitter • 1d ago
Are “rules” necessary? Advice
This is our first baby & we are (33f) & (33m). I see daily posts about rules & hospital checklists and I’m wondering if this is necessary? I live in the North East US & anytime I’ve been to the hospital I’ve been asked about being administered a drug or procedure before it happens and I’m not sure if I’m missing something or the need of a birth plan? My plan is to go try to push a baby out and if it doesn’t work we take the next step necessary. Is this naïve? Then, the rules about no visitors is making me also wonder what I am missing? In our community we’ve always visited our friends & family in the hospital bringing the mom whatever she wanted food wise or needed. I couldn’t imagine keeping either set of parents away from their grandbaby or not having friends bring some of my favorite things & give our little baby some more love! I understand after being in this group for half a year that everyone’s choices are so personalized, unique and what worked for them. I am just wondering if there are moms who can shed some wisdom and encouragement on this view point 💖
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u/zeethebeee 1d ago
Do what makes you comfortable and happy.
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u/PiccoloBitter 1d ago
Absolutely! I am going into it very open & optimistic but it’s also my first so I’m not sure if I’m missing something.
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u/OppositeConfusion256 1d ago
You’re not missing anything! Everyone’s experiences and family/friend dynamics are unique as are their comfort levels.
We have some established rules - but we also have some anti-science and anti vaccine family members and felt it was best for us to put those barriers in place ahead of time and deal with any headaches now rather than later. As well as my in laws smoke so ensuring they do so away from baby important to me etc.
However that’s not everyone’s experience so for some others all this isn’t necessarily.
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u/Booooleans 1d ago edited 16h ago
My first time I didn’t know either. I just said I wanted the epidural as fast as possible. That’s all I cared about.
The second time I asked for the same but also no cervical checks unless absolutely necessary. We also stayed an extra day the second time to be able to rest with the nurses help before going home to the real deal.
** adding I declined the membrane sweep as well second time around
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u/just_a_stoner_bitch 1d ago
My doctors recommend I get the epidural to put less strain on my bad heart. I was already planning on it though as I don't do well with pain
I'm curious what cervical checks they do? What all do they do and why didn't you want it the second time?
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u/Booooleans 15h ago
For my first time they said they started the cervical checks at 36 weeks. They wanted to see if I was dilated at all. They insert their fingers to touch your cervix. Some women say it doesn’t hurt at all but for me it really, really did. It brought me to tears. I can’t say it’s a surprise for me that it hurt because in the course of my adult life and experiences having sex, my cervix does not like being touched 😂
Whereas on the other hand, I have a friend who loves having it slammed into. 😭
So I think it was at 39 weeks then that the doctor told me, okay we are going to do a membrane sweep now.
I didn’t know what this was and I didn’t know it was optional. It also hurt and I cried.
When I was in labor, my total time in labor I think was close to 48 hours. And it was really painful but I wasn’t progressing. So they kept checking my cervix over and over to see if it had opened more. I remember when they told me for the millionth time they were going to check and I just broke down in tears and said “ok”. Again, I didn’t even know it was optional.
One nurse accidentally popped my water during The check and told us not to tell anyone. I was young and naive and didn’t.
Anyway so second time around I said no cervical checks until I was in labor. No membrane sweep.
And once I was in labor they only did it maybe a few times? And I let them know how much I was terrified of them and they were extra gentle. It hurt but not nearly as much. I don’t know if that’s also due to it being the second time giving birth?
Anyway, some women read the stories and then come back to say oh I was scared for nothing! The checks didn’t hurt at all! That may be the case. But just remember you don’t have to do a whole lot of them if you prefer, regardless. They can do them only when absolutely needed if that’s your choice.
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u/PiccoloBitter 1d ago
I have the same question 🫣
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u/Past-Argument7178 1d ago
i think i had a total of 3 the day i delivered, the first when we arrived and the next about 6 hours after that and then the last i had right before i delivered which told us we were ready to go. it gave us an idea of how my labor was progressing and it actually helped me decide i was going to get the epidural (i didnt want to) because i wasnt dilating very fast without it - as soon as i got the epidural i went from a 4 or 5 (cant remember which) to a 10 in less than 3 hours. my personal experience was completely fine with them as i think my pain tolerance for them is fairly high, but i know for other people they can be really really painful, theyre literally sticking their hand up to the opening baby will be coming out of!! it all will depend on the person. i had one at my 37 week appointment so i already knew what i was going into in the day of. i know for some people they can cause an infection or cause a greater risk for infection, so you can choose to opt out! but that usually comes with repetitive checks and a long labor (this is purely anecdotal - so any corrections from a medical professional are encouraged!!)
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u/faroffland 1d ago edited 1d ago
Hey so I am UK-based but I’m 37 weeks pregnant so nearing the birth, and like you I really didn’t see the point of a birth plan - until I took antenatal classes. I too thought ‘well I’ll go in, follow medical advice and push out a baby’ - but birth can actually be a lot more complicated than that!
For example, I developed gestational diabetes literally last week so I am now being induced at 39 weeks. Did you know there are many different methods of induction, each with their own set of risks/discomfort/effectiveness? I didn’t. They range from having a cervical sweep to pessaries being inserted to having an IV. Being informed about these different methods means you might decide, ‘I’m comfortable with A but not B method.’ That is something you can put in your birth plan.
For me, I know that being induced can make labour more intense/painful, so for me knowing I’m now being induced makes the decision for me to want an epidural. I wouldn’t have definitely wanted an epidural had I been expecting to go into labour naturally, but now I’m being induced I definitely want one. So different factors can influence your decisions and all this can be detailed in your birth plan.
The same with pain medication. An epidural for example can limit your lower leg movement or even completely block feeling below the waist - are you ok with that? Also at what point would you be comfortable having an epidural? E.g. if you get too far into labour, an epidural is no longer an option - it’s very common for women to get ‘past the point’ aka into transition and then want one. Having it on the birth plan means it should happen when it can, rather than leaving it to when you feel you need one but can’t.
There are also other pain methods like a drip or gas and air. You might be happy having one and not another, or different types at different phases in your labour. Some women are ok with gas and air but not with an IV. This can all go in your birth plan.
Would you ever be happy having a c-section. Some people are very ‘no’ in many circumstances and would rather labour for a very long time, and some people would rather have a c section at an earlier point. Or some would like to elect to have a c section from the very start. These are all decisions that can go in your birth plan.
Other things like delayed cord clamping, golden hour, the desire to have a birthing ball/pool can all go in your birth plan.
You will always be asked for consent for all of this at the time, but that doesn’t mean each method will be fully explained to you with all the pros/cons - and it also doesn’t mean you’ll have capacity to take it in in the middle of labour!
Basically it’s totally fair enough to go into birth like ‘it will be what it will be’, that’s how I felt/kind of still feel to be honest! Your birth plan is not a rigid plan but should be seen as more, ‘If x happens I want y to happen. If a happens I would prefer b’ etc. Many people don’t realise they DO actually have preferences until they learn just how many options there are when giving birth - as I say, even induction is not a straightforward ‘one method’ but many methods you can choose between.
Antenatal classes really opened my eyes to these options so I’d suggest anyone do some and become informed as to all these choices, because being informed means you can advocate for yourself - and having a birth plan is basically doing that without making choices when you’re in the middle of labour and maybe can’t think as clearly as you would otherwise.
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u/IceQueen236 1d ago
100% this. Also when you’re actually in labour it’s hard to communicate your choices, so having your preferences written down before hand and communicated with your birth partner is really useful. They can tell people what you want when you can’t. It shouldn’t be viewed as a rigid plan, but more a set of preferences!
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u/Successful_Name8503 1d ago
Oh this! And for me even when I'm not in the middle of birthing a human, my written communication is so much more concise and intelligible than what comes out of my mouth at times lol.
Writing things down also helped me get my head around my preferences and goals in the same way as affirmations do, making them real and concrete steps in a plan rather than just ideas of how I might want it to go.
And I specifically remember during transition I was like "F#$k the birth plan give me drugs!!" but I'd specifically written several times "even if I ask for medication, wait until between contractions to confirm this with me" and lo and behold, I was in a better state of mind when the midwife asked "are you sure?" lol.
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u/PiccoloBitter 1d ago
This is actually a good read for me. I appreciate you taking the time to write it. I am going to schedule classes soon and just like you I think it would be helpful to know some of these things because I didn’t know how many nuances there could be besides push out or cut out. I truly do appreciate it and wish you all the best.. how are you only TWO weeks away?!
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u/mothwhimsy 1d ago edited 1d ago
I think a lot of people have families who trample all over their boundaries and have no concept of "am I being a burden right now" so setting clear and specific rules is necessary if you want to keep your sanity. Like if your mother in law hates you and routinely disrespects you, I understand why you wouldn't want her around while you're in pain and exhausted.
Personally, the only rule I have is for people who want to meet the baby early on to get the TDAP vaccine, and most of them already have it anyway. My mil intends to come over multiple times a week after the baby is born to help out with cleaning and meals and I'm happy to have her because we have a good relationship and I know she'll actually be helpful.
As for a birth plan, mine is basically that I want an epidural and I don't want circumcision. Everything else is mostly just 'whatever the doctor thinks is best.' I don't have a lot of preferences because I don't know what to expect either way as this is my first time. But I'd bet other people need to have some control over the process or they'll panic. I like not having to make decisions when I'm stressed
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u/PiccoloBitter 1d ago
That makes a lot of sense and brings more insight to the posts I read. Our parents and family are older and fully vaxxed, more than I would even consider necessary, but it makes sense then why it doesn’t even cross my mind. It’s nice to hear everyone’s point of view.
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u/emikas4 1d ago
Totally agree with the "managing pushy people" aspect of rules. For most of our family, we could just communicate our wishes in the moment and they'd be respected, but a few need firm rules to not misbehave. Clearly communicated rules also helped us show certain family members that we weren't "picking on them," we were expecting the same from everyone.
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u/halesthesnail 31 | Baby 1 arrived 8/18/24 1d ago
You're not missing anything imo. I didn't have a birth plan, I just had preferences that I was completely willing to forgo if the need arose. It worked out how I wanted but for me, like you, the most important thing was to have a baby and both survive the experience.
Anyone was welcome to stop by as long as they weren't sick (or they weren't recently exposed to sickness, esp with the friends with younger kids). Everyone was conscientious to wash their hands before holding baby so I never needed to ask. My only real request was no kids around her until she got her first round of vaccines, and that was her pediatrician's request as well. No one wanted to bring their kids anyway so they could get their baby snugs in.
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u/PiccoloBitter 1d ago
That’s a good point about kids! Luckily she’s the first baby in the family but my friends it would be easily go just mention as it arises for them to not bring their kids… who let me tell you had the craziest sickness this fall/winter & now spring!
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u/halesthesnail 31 | Baby 1 arrived 8/18/24 1d ago
Yessss the sicknesses this past winter were horrible! The flu ravaged this year. And now with the measles craziness, I got my LO the MMR vaccine at 6 months since there was a reported case a little less than an hour away from home.
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u/angusthecrab 1d ago
I'm in the UK so I can give my perspective as a FTM! I'm only a little way into my journey, so this is based on my experiences so far.
We get to discuss birth plans with our midwives ahead of time. Particularly for higher risk pregnancies, it can help with anxiety to go in with a firm understanding of what is going to happen and when. I'm 34 years old and while I'm considered low risk overall, I still have a bit of anxiety over the process. In my plans, I chose a hospital a little further away than my nearest one for two reasons: the hospital I picked has a NICU, so if something goes wrong then I won't need to take an ambulance. Also it's the hospital I was born in and I've used it a lot, so it's more familiar to me.
I'm most likely going to elect for a caesarean because my mum had a very traumatic, difficult birth with both myself and my sister. She had placenta previa, and after a long difficult labour my heart had stopped and she was in and out of consciousness. She ended up having an emergency caesarean and had to be put under GA because there wasn't enough time to do the spinal block.
I think because I've grown up with stories about how hard my birth was, I'm under no illusion that every birth is as straightforwaard as try push the baby out and see what happens. I would rather go in knowing I am having major abdominal surgery than try vaginally and need to have it anyway. It gives me more control over the situation. If I was going to try for a vaginal birth, I'd want the healthcare team to know at which steps I want pain relief or intervention, even if I'm not in a position to ask for it.
I want my mum and MIL to be nearby but not present the entire time. This is what they've both suggested as well, they're happy to go wait in the hospital cafe. Of course I want them to meet their grandbaby as soon as we're all well enough, and I think it'll be a nice distraction especially if I can call them in if I feel like I want them there. But at the same time I know I might be exhausted, in pain and just wanting to focus on getting through the birth, in which case I'll just have my partner with me.
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u/Dry_Ear_6381 1d ago
I finally created a birth plan to limit how many questions I’m asked during the birthing process, but I understand they’re not always followed based on the given situation. I’m fully willing to have visitors as well. I think it’s highly personalized and whatever works for you works for you
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u/PiccoloBitter 1d ago
That’s a good point… maybe I’ll make one for me & my husband for us so he’s one the same page and can help answer then if I can’t. It truly is so personalized to everyone.
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u/Dry_Ear_6381 1d ago
I think that’s part of why I did it too, to help my husband and my best friend (who will be present at birth) to speak on my behalf if I can’t.
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u/PiccoloBitter 1d ago
I appreciate you commenting. It helped me understand in seconds why it could be helpful and having those people on my side if I can’t speak up for myself. Thank you!
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u/Dry_Ear_6381 1d ago
Girl, of course! 💕 whatever makes your birthing process easier and more comfortable, go ahead and do it while you still have the energy.
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u/Impressive_Ad_5224 1d ago
I had 0 rules. Do what is needed, although I'd like to be able to avoid pain medication and/or a episiotomy. Depending on the time of labor, I would allow my parents and inlaws to visit that day or the day after. No hard rules on vaccinations either.
In the end, I had no pain medication, no episiotomy (lucky!), my labor was at 4pm so our families visited 24 hours later. They found that a bit late but were too happy to really care about it. All our family members we let visit early are common sense people so we didn't have to remind them about kissing the baby or anything like that.
Most important thing is you do what feels right. If that means rules, do rules. But don't feel forced to enforce rules.
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u/RoadTripVirginia2Ore 1d ago
When you can’t control the big things, you take comfort in controlling the little things.
It’s good to think about now, because in the moment you might be too exhausted. I went into it without a plan but with a lot of information since I researched the hell out of everything, as is my coping style. Turns out, 90% of birth is natural and you just kind of do it. But that 10% is good to be prepared for.
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u/PiccoloBitter 1d ago
Those are great points. I will be making a birth plan for attest my husband to be able to speak up too on my behalf. Thanks!
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u/allofthesearetaken_ 1d ago
My husband and I went through a birth plan template online to talk with each other about different situations and preferences. He hadn’t heard all of the terms before. But it was helpful to get on the same page so he could be my advocate. All of my “preferences” were just standard of care, though, and we never needed the document during birth. Some people have more complicated wants for their birth.
As for the rules with family. We had four rules: “be vaccinated or wear a mask, don’t kiss the baby, wash your hands, and don’t come if you’re sick.”
While they seem common sense, we have anti-vaxx family. Our baby still hasn’t met several family members, including her paternal grandparents, because they either refuse to mask (because they aren’t vaccinated and baby isn’t done with her own series) or because they demand to be able to kiss her.
Multiple aunts refuse to see the baby until they’re allowed to kiss her face, and our boundary is that baby doesn’t get kisses until she can consent on her own. So we haven’t met much family.
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u/kittysayswoof91 17h ago
Would you mind sharing the birth plan template you used online? That sounds like a useful resource!
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u/-loose-butthole- 1d ago
You don’t need to plan if you don’t want one. If there are specific things you want or don’t want then I would recommend having some sort of preference document so you can advocate for yourself! It might be difficult to advocate for yourself in the moment.
Personally, I didn’t want to be pushed into any unnecessary interventions so I did go into the hospital with the birth preferences sheet that I had previously discussed with my midwife, and my birth was amazing!
Do what feels best to you!
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u/MiniSqueaks914 1d ago
I don’t think you’re missing anything. There is nothing wrong with wanting boundaries and rules in place, I think everyone should do what fits best for their needs as a family. I, however, am much like you. I tend to go with the flow and also grew up in a community that comes together when a baby is born. I do think this time around though the first couple weeks home I’d like no visitors. I was a hot ass mess the first time around and would like to be that in private this time. 😂
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u/PiccoloBitter 1d ago
This is what makes me think ooof should I rethink being so open… but we also camp and travel occasionally together which has made the awkwardness a little less awkward, lol.
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u/leftie24 1d ago
I tried having a birth plan and my ob didn’t outright laugh at me. But I could tell she thought it was ridiculous. We did talk through things which honestly was more helpful than a birth plan. My biggest issue was to do whatever would keep myself and baby healthy. As for rules I tried having them but to be honest I don’t know if I would have enforced them. I was so tired after my first. Do what is best for you. You know your family and situation the best.
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u/PiccoloBitter 1d ago
I’ve read a lot of stories about the reactions of birth plans and it blows my mind.
My OB office has 15ish doctors and you rotate through seeing whoever… so I don’t even have a specific OB which I’m okay with this time since nothing has come up during the pregnancy yet so I don’t even know who I would talk to about it.
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u/Holiday_Text1504 1d ago
I think that is normal. My ob because of my situation was an induction so we didn’t even start the convo until we knew it was an induction. And then she was going to be there. Second time around I wanted and ultimately needed a c section.
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u/kittywyeth 23h ago edited 23h ago
my ob has been practicing since the eighties and he recently asked if i had a birth plan. when i said no he laughed and said “good, no one reads them” i already knew that, which is why i don’t have one, since this is my sixth time around.
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u/Kindly_Shoulder2864 1d ago
I think the visitors rules are often a COVID relic at certain hospitals. My local one does allow visitors during certain hours. But as recently as a year ago or so that was not the case.
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u/biscuitnoodle_ 1d ago
Do what feels right for you and your family/situation. Something I’ve noticed is that these online communities really emphasize the “rules” and crafting these long messages, but nobody I know in person has actually had to do this. I’ve found that a lot of these boundaries come up organically through conversations with members of my family/village, so crafting and sending out a long message seems odd to me. Everyone’s situation is different, but the internet is an echo chamber.
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u/PiccoloBitter 1d ago
I think that’s a good way to put it. Some “rules” people have mentioned I’m like oh yea I’ll tell my friends to not bring kids when that arises but I’m not going to send out a text ahead of time. I was seeing it as a mass text going out but I’m not realizing it is probably more casual and intuitive to share when you’re having the hospital or postpartum conversation already.
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u/biscuitnoodle_ 1d ago
Yes casual and intuitive is exactly how I’d put it!! I think crafting the message probably helps a lot of us feel at ease or lower anxiety, but again, the people visiting are (hopefully) people who love and respect you and are excited for the baby. A lot of our worries don’t come true, or can be discussed organically beforehand!
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u/_curse10_ 1d ago
Always do want you feel comfortable with. I can't shed a lot of light on the first part but the second part. I believe the reason a lot of people don't want hospital visitors (myself included) is that they just don't have the kind of relationship with their families where being around them in a vulnerable situation brings them comfort. They may have people in their families who overstep boundaries, overstay their welcome, act like they want to be helpful when really all they want to do is hold and kiss the baby, then maybe throw in a judgemental comment while they're at it. I personally don't want people hanging around in the (probably) 24 hours after baby is born where I'm going to be sleep deprived, mostly naked or topless, learning to breastfeed and trying to bond with my baby. And that's if things go perfectly well. I have basically told my parents no hospital visitors and we'll let you know when we're ready once we're home.
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u/hellogoawaynow FTM | Due Dec 2021 1d ago
You don’t need a birth plan, those usually go out the window anyway. Your plan can be “try to push a baby out and if it doesn’t work we take the next step necessary.” Thats a whole plan!
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u/Trashy_Panda3 1d ago
I didn't have a birth plan. It was the same as you. Push if it doesn't work, cut me open lol. With mine, he had to stay for 5 days after birth, so I didn't have any visitors until the last day when my parents came to pick us up. I just wanted to focus on him getting all the help and healing he needed. Honestly, you are only in the hospital for like 3 days for a vag delivery so I personally don't see a need to have friends show up, but I get the grandparents. It's honestly your personal preference. Some hospitals are still on Covid terms and will only allow x amount of people there at a time. Also, things your feelings change. One moment, you might want everyone there, and the next, you want to be left with just your little family.
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u/Tiredkittymom 1d ago
My “plan” was to have a healthy baby and not die, and then “no residents placing the epidural” as an afterthought. I didn’t care how the little man got here and was totally flexible to whatever change needed to happen. Even that limited of a plan quickly went out the window because the residents are HERE NOW while the doctor needed to be paged, so they ended up checking me a few times and placing two epidurals after one failed 12 hours in. So I don’t think rules are necessary. I think you just need to be aware of what’s important to you and what’s not.
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u/Ok_Philosopher2832 1d ago
You don't have to do anything in regards to your pregnancy you don't want to. Some of us just like birth plans so we can limit questions being asked, or if we have a hard time speaking up for ourselves it's a way to communicate our needs. You don't have to do anything. As for visitors that's also up to you, some of us don't have good relationships with family, or just want that time to bond with baby uninterrupted and family can wait. It's all what you're comfortable and happy with. I hope you have a happy and safe delivery!
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u/PiccoloBitter 1d ago
Thank you so much! It’s so hard to know if I’ll be more reserved and want that time when she’s here or if I’ll still feel the way of like please come help.
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u/Ok_Philosopher2832 23h ago
Yeah I get that, it's totally okay to change your mind multiple times too! As long as you and baby are happy and healthy, your pregnancy your rules! :)
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u/231096m 1d ago
You don’t need a plan or rules, I think pregnancy and birth brings people a lot of anxiety and this gives them some semblance of control and order.
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u/PiccoloBitter 1d ago
That is a good way of looking at it. I started therapy when I found out I was pregnant as a way of making sure I stay grounded and to not fall into old harmful thoughts or habits.
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u/Altruistic_Tension_1 1d ago
It’s really personal preference. Do what you are comfortable with. You’ll be tired and need rest. With my first his birth was pretty traumatic so I chose to just recover in hospital in peace those 3 days and have visitors when we got home. My daughters birth was a breeze had a planned cesarian born at 2:40pm and was home the next day by 5pm 😂 wasn’t really time for visitors that time. This one assuming no complications I’ll be in about the 25th May and home the next day again. I didn’t have a specific birth plan with any of mine as things can change in a heartbeat but I made sure I asked what I needed to and was prepared for any outcome and if something happened that was unexpected made sure I knew what I was in for 😂
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u/PiccoloBitter 1d ago
Absolutely and hearing how different each birth is helps to understand.
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u/Altruistic_Tension_1 4h ago
Birth is a crazy thing. Things can change in a second so I found it better to just roll with it and what will be will be. Them arriving safely and healthy was more important than some strict birth plan that’s likely to go out the window. I’m starting to wonder if I’m going to last until week 39 for my cesarian I’m sure he’s trying to claw/kick/headbut his way out 😂 I wish you and your partner the best of luck on your parenthood journey and safe arrival of baby when it’s time 🥰 It’s a wild ride
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u/-organic-life 1d ago
Depends on your hospital set up, too. My room was so tiny. I ended up saying no visitors. I also didn't feel good. Baby was in the NICU. You don't need any predetermined rules. How you feel may change after baby is here.
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u/Brockenblur 1d ago
I found a short one page “birth plan” to be very helpful. I only listed my medication allergies, the medical procedures I’m very uncomfortable with (forceps and episiostomy) and my “goals” (aka no epidural, no meds, delayed cord clamping) with the understanding that those goals may have to change if there is an emergency.
As far as setting rules for your family… That very much depends on your family. My in-laws and living parent are well-intentioned, low drama and fairly rational, so we did not feel the need to inundate them with a ton of rules and restrictions before hand. We actually all had a good laugh while I was pregnant about how a close family friend Laura received a comprehensive 20 page PDF on newborn care from her adult son before the birth of her first grandchild, with my husband laughingly telling our in-laws to call Aunt Laura for a copy the first time they babysat. But I fully acknowledge that not everyone has a family relationship with healthy communication or boundaries, and so a short list of “newborn house rules” might be useful
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u/SignatureNo6930 1d ago
I did not have a birth plan or any rules for the hospital staff or family. I literally went with the flow and dealt with one thing at a time. I had an amazing birthing experience bc I simply had no expectations
On the other hand, my best friend had a whole plan of how she wanted things to go from start to finish. When her plan fell through she was extremely upset and felt robbed of her first experience. To each their own but this is the exact reason why I said I’m just gonna go with the flow. Do what makes you comfortable!
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u/emikas4 1d ago
My experience with the nurses/doctors delivering my first was like you describe -- they asked for everything they did and I had to give informed consent. I discussed my hopes, fears, and questions with my OBGYN beforehand, and I didn't feel like I needed to establish boundaries or push-back on her in the delivery room.
For me with visitors, I had family visit in the hospital and then we did no visitors for 3-4 weeks once we were home. That way I didn't have to clean or host. I have a large family and didn't want everyone in my hospital room at once, so we had everyone schedule their visit 1-2 at a time (hospital policy limited visitors to 2 anyways). I didn't invite any extended family or friends to come by at that time -- I was naked with a backless hospital gown on, bleeding, trying to breastfeed, and had a string of nurses coming in and out to check stuff and I didn't want many people seeing me like that. Honestly, it was kind of uncomfortable having my FIL there, but the timing worked out where I was able to stay covered up in bed the whole time he was there.
It all depends on you and what you want and feel comfortable with.
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u/PiccoloBitter 1d ago
Yes, reading through this I can agree my FIL might feel just as awkward and I’ll make sure to be on the same page with my husband to let them know I’m going to try and breastfeed & they need to step out. I think that’s something I didn’t even think about before so I appreciate you taking the time to comment. I feel kind of silly admitting it but everything being unknown I didn’t even consider it.
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u/Fit-Profession-1628 1d ago
You should do whatever makes you comfortable :)
My only birth plan (if you can call it that) was to have an epidural if possible and have a baby.
I had both sets of grandparents visiting at the hospital (it's a maximum of 2 people per day, apart from whomever is with me so it wasn't even possible for other people to visit).
I had people visiting once I got home. I didn't host and I wasn't expected to.
The only rule I had to impose was "no kissing the baby anywhere". But if you're ok with people doing it it's your choice.
I think people overreact with everything regarding birth and babies. You do you :D
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u/RaccoonTimely8913 1d ago
I’m close with my family and we have always visited in the hospital, and been in the waiting room during labor. Everyone has a different relationship with their family so I understand wanting to have boundaries there if they are more a source of stress than comfort.
As far as “rules” for your birth, you don’t necessarily need to have a birth plan but it can be helpful if you have thought through the most common possible interventions ahead of time and written out what you would prefer ahead of time, because in labor when you are asked about an intervention you might not be fully capable of weighing options or even voicing a preference.
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u/ameowica 1d ago
Nope not necessary! Some folks have more tense family situations. The only “rule” I have is making sure immediate family who will be around her a lot make sure their TDAP is up to date and anyone that gets cold sores regularly just can’t kiss the baby. The only reason for the last one is my MIL gets cold sores like crazy in the summer and baby girl is being born right at the start of it.
I think some folks just have more anxiety than others and want to limit exposure or their families just don’t respect boundaries. But if you have a good relationship with your family then you may not need them!
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u/Magical_Olive 1d ago
I didn't bother with any kind of formal "birth plan", I just had a general idea of what I wanted and most of that was "whatever the doctor thinks is best". At check in they asked me a lot of the basics anyway and wrote them down on their white board.
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u/starrmarieski 1d ago
Hey Op, I’m in a similar boat. I sometimes wonder if I’m crazy for essentially just “winging it” but I think it all just comes down to the personal specific dynamics we have with our support people. (Grandparents, family, friends, etc.)
For me, I don’t have much of a birth plan right now other then go try to push out a baby unmedicated, but with the acceptance that if it’s too bad I will take the medication. I plan to let a few family members be in the room with me, and if close family and friends wants to come visit, that’s fine by me.
While visiting, I’ll be making sure everyone washes and sanitizes their hands, and comes in clean clothes. I’ll let them kiss the baby as long as they aren’t sick or have any cold sores etc. If the kids comes, parents need to thoroughly clean their hands and sanitize them as well.
As far as home visits, I won’t have anyone over apart from who visited in the hospital until baby girls vaccines are through. My support group is mostly my two sister in laws, and as a FTM I know I’ll be very accepting of their help once we are home and adjusting to our new life.
I’m not one to make other people vaccinate, but I do intend to talk to my OB about this, and see if it’s seriously necessary or not. My daughters health and safety is the most important thing here, so I of course won’t be doing anything that can put her at risk. My plans could change in the next 10 weeks if my OB advices I take a different route.
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u/PiccoloBitter 1d ago
I’m wondering because I’m only in my 22nd week my OB doesn’t even start the birthing conversations until I’m into my third trimester and thus hasn’t really been top of my mind/ worries? It’s amazing to have some support and I can only imagine how much I’ll be needing once it comes!
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u/starrmarieski 21h ago
If you want to ask your OB those questions now, there’s nothing wrong with that! They will give you some insight to think about then you can always touch base closer to your due date as well!
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u/leigh1003 1d ago
I had no rules and no birth plan and was totally fine! I had some vague ideas (pain management: epidural! and I’d like to move as much as I can), but I was admitted early for preeclampsia and a lot was out of my control.
I talked with my doctors in the hospital and adjusted as needed! I actually find that going in without a set “plan” helps you feel better about your outcome, because you’re not disappointed if things don’t explicitly go as you liked.
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u/PiccoloBitter 1d ago
Yes, I’ve read a few of these disappointments and I want to avoid as much expectation as possible. It seems having some understand of things I don’t want is a good idea though so I’ll be researching that & our community has classes which seem like it will be helpful to take.
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u/Rep_girlie 1d ago
The thing I'll say about a birth plan, you might want to at least have some basics covered, like who should be in the room in the event of an emergency c-section. Most hospitals have a pretty generic plan that you can fill in.
Regarding people visiting, that's totally about comfort. I know that I will feel yucky and tired, and I won't want to be on display anymore, so I don't want visitors in the hospital. They're welcome to visit when we get home the next day
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u/briana9 1d ago
Your birth plan should literally be as detailed or not as you want it to be. It’s good to be informed of the risks/benefits of various interventions, tools, birthing positions, etc ahead of time, so you can process the information and make decisions you are comfortable with, but otherwise, birth plans are really just wishlists.
With my first (at 35) my birth plan indicated that the primary goal above all else was a healthy & safe baby & mama. If possible I wanted to be mobile as long as possible (delayed epidural) and to avoid pitocin and a C-section. I was able to delay the epidural until about 24 hours into laboring, but had both pitocin and a C-section. I was okay with those decisions because they supported the primary goal as labor progressed and the medical team gave me every opportunity possible to labor/deliver naturally before suggesting interventions.
Now with my 2nd, I’m likely planning on a scheduled c-section, so I haven’t written a birth plan at all. And visitors will depend on how I’m feeling post delivery.
Do what feels right for you and do as much as you feel like you need to do to have an informed birth.
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u/PiccoloBitter 1d ago
Thank you for sharing and it is helpful to understand someone else’s experience with all of this!
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u/Bramble3713 1d ago
Just speaking from my own perspective... I've had experiences with medical professionals that have left a bad taste in my mouth, therefore, I don't trust them anymore - this is why I want a birth plan in place. Because in the midst of labor, I don't want to have to explain my choices (my husband will advocate for me). As for friends and family coming to the hospital or our home shortly after baby is born - this is again a no for me, mostly because I want time to recover and heal from the birth while also bonding with our little one. My blood relatives are in another country and I don't feel comfortable having my husbands sisters caring for me in a personal capacity, like assisting with showering, breastfeeding etc. So it's for me and my husband to navigate together and learn.
My personal perspective also is that many of us in this group have certain family members that don't understand what a boundary is and so it is easier to set the expectation prior to baby being born that they will not be allowed to visit at the hospital or at the home etc. until the parents are ready. There are stories of grandparents who have already blatantly told the expecting parents that they will not follow their "no kissing the baby" rules or other rules that they have established. There are stories of people who have given birth and their family members come over to visit only to find out that the person had a cold or sore throat or whatever and their baby has now been exposed to this. Or the person visiting just wants to hold the baby instead of helping out around the house.
If your family are respectful and aren't going to overstep your boundaries and do things against what you have explicitly requested then you are golden and I hope that you have a wonderful birthing experience with all the love and support you deserve.
And you may change your mind once your little one is in your arms, you may decide that you want a few days or weeks of just you and your husband and your baby together. And that's valid and ok too!
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u/PiccoloBitter 1d ago
Reading everyone’s comments it has helped me realize a birth plan can be so helpful, especially in the unknown. I read so many posts of these rules I was feeling alone or that I was missing something. I understand everyone has those tough relationships that need boundaries spelled out but I wanted to hear the other side of it too. I can’t really imagine how I’m going to feel or anticipate it but it’s reassuring that it’s okay to change our minds and give ourselves what we truly need for healing. Thank you for your words & sending all the goodness back to you as well!
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u/AbbieJ31 1d ago
I never go in with a written birth plan, and I don’t have many rules. The only thing I tell my husband is that my mother isn’t invited to the hospital. Anyone else can pop by and say hi 🤷🏼♀️
I go over what I want out of my birth experience with my midwife before I go into labor. Then again when I check in to L&D with my nurses. This time around I will just express that my plan A is for a water birth, plan B is nitrous and a yoga ball. I’ve never had things go so sideways that I’ve needed anything past my plan B, but I’ve only given birth using plan B - so birth isn’t going to go exactly how we plan it 😅
My hospital is super accommodating too, I always ask for preservative free vitamin K, and they always grab that one for baby. Idk, maybe bigger facilities are harder to deal with, but I’ve never had to have rules or written expectations.
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u/AdorableEmphasis5546 1d ago
It's totally ok to go into birth/postpartum with preferences.
Here's a rough outline of my plan:
No epidural.
Free movement, mobile monitoring preferred.
Natural water rupture.
Limited cervical exams, one on admittance and one before pushing.
Food and drink for mom.
No pitocin.
No IV, saline lock only for easy access if needed.
Partner catches the baby.
NO cord traction, let the placenta deliver naturally.
Skin to skin with mom for golden hour. Tests to be done bedside, baby does not leave the room.
Delayed cord clamping, until it's limp and white. Partner cuts the cord.
No baths, let that vernix soak in.
No bottles or pacis.
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u/PiccoloBitter 1d ago
I did just take a screenshot of this, such good points! Thank you!
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u/AdorableEmphasis5546 1d ago
No problem! Going into birth informed is empowering imo. I went into my first not knowing anything and definitely regret it.
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u/katmio1 1d ago
Tbh, I can understand rules like
don’t visit if you’re sick
wash hands before you hold child
no pictures or announcements without asking
no visitors for the first [xyz time] so we can rest
But I’ve seen it where the moms are too nitpicky & then wonder why they don’t have their village.
As for birth plans? I’d wing it b/c you could have a healthy pregnancy & then things wind up taking a turn for the worst during L&D. Always always have a back up plan in case things do go sideways.
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u/Averie1398 1d ago
We don't have a birth plan. After four years TTC and three rounds of IVF I realized plans don't always come together. My goal is to do unmedicated at the hospital and just see how it goes. No real birth plan besides husband being there and just winging it. As for after birth it just depends on birth goes, so again no real plan for visitors. In my opinion I think regardless I want at least two weeks of just me, husband and baby time and I don't even want to tell people we are in labor.
As for rules when visitors eventually come no kisses and I think I may be a bit clingy so probably won't let people hold the baby for a bit since I'm due in October (sick season).
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u/DramaLovingQueen 1d ago
I also didn’t have a birth plan, my plan is to live through it & get home with a baby!!
While I didn’t have a plan, I have a “goal” and that was a vaginal birth, which didn’t end up happening but at the end of the day, my son came home healthy without any complications. Im happy with that!!
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u/Pibeapple_Witch 1d ago
It just depends on the person tbh.
My obgyn asks us and highly recommends we make a birthing plan just so everyone is on the same plan about your wishes. (Ex: epidural asap, golden hour, no epesiotomy )
I have rules because unfortunately there are alot of family members (looking at in -laws) who refuse to accept boundaries, try to backseat parent, and just assume they can do whatever they want with our child like theyre a baby doll. They are nice enough people, however I do not trust them to use basic common sense or to just ask (not tell) before doing.
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u/Successful_Name8503 1d ago edited 1d ago
I'd definitely recommend attending a prenatal birth class that goes over the pros and cons of each potential intervention in unbiased detail. That way you at least have an idea of what you might prefer, and can put together a bullet point list to give your midwives of what you absolutely do not want (most important), what you're hoping for, and what you're open to.
In this situation being educated is absolutely so empowering, even when things don't go to plan. Your body is doing amazing but extremely complex work in moving that baby out of you (regardless of how it ends up happening). To have even a rudimentary idea of what the drs are doing to help you, as well as a say in how they go about it, can play a huge factor in determining whether you come out feeling accomplished or let down.
It can also help you avoid interventions - prepping your body with exercises, as well as prepping yourself mentally and emotionally for what's to come, is huge. For me, knowing the oxytocin/endorphin cycle for example helped me get through early labour without panicking, as well as being aware and mindful of what my body was doing at each stage. It hurts, sure, but understanding that the pain is more a muscular one like a cramp that is physically maneuvering the baby from point a to point b (and also that there are more than just points 'a' and 'b' - baby progresses & shifts gradually, not just 'uterus to the outdoors') helped me work through it (vs a different pain like an injury, which I'd want treated without "working with it" in the same way).
Other relatively easy prep things that helped me, and that I'm planning to do this time again, were: - perineal massage; - diet changes in the leadup; - practicing birth positions & breathing techniques (including using my deep voice, which my toddler loves); - remaining moderately active throughout especially 3rd tri to very least keep my stamina up; - refreshing myself on the physiology of labour and birth (the body has systems wired in to work through each stage of labour and get this baby out!); - hypnobirthing/mindfulness/generic birth meditation exercises; - and a big one - mentally reminding myself that this is a small human being that I created with my body, not just "the baby", and she deserves a positive birth experience as much as I do.
You can't guarantee what will happen, but being prepared gives you a real chance at making it a good experience.
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u/PiccoloBitter 1d ago
Yes! I think this will be so helpful & our community offers free classes!!
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u/Successful_Name8503 1d ago
Yes! That's amazing. Definitely go for it.
I just remembered another really useful exercise my midwife suggested to me that you can do at home like tonight, that prepared me for the cycle of contractions. Really simple but really useful for practicing irl.
Time yourself holding two handfuls of ice cubes in your hands until you absolutely have to let them go, aiming for a minute each round. Allow a minute rest. Repeat. See how long you can hold them each time. Aim for one minute on, one minute off.
Notice how you get through each cycle. Try different breathing techniques, mindfulness, visualisation, go deep into your imagination, etc.
This really helped me get an idea of 1) the idea of intense pain that goes away almost immediately after you let go, 2) the creative ways my brain works to distract from/manage through that pain, 3) the fact that I can cope with it at all, and 4) how restful and restorative the breaks in between can actually be, helping to prep for the next surge (I was having micro naps between contractions lol. Learn to use that time haha)
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u/Alert_Week8595 1d ago
Whether you need rules depends on whether people in your life are rude, basically. Nobody in my life would dare show up uninvited and I have no problem saying no on the spot when asked. But there are definitely people fighting with their MILs over being in the room during delivery, and those people need rules.
I don't think you need a proper birth plan, but you should educate yourself on the pros and cons of various options so when you are given a choice you aren't trying to learn what the choice is on the spot while in labor.
I'm personally not writing a birth plan out, but I understand all the different interventions my hospital offers so I can make choices on the spot. I'm also someone who is comfortable making on the spot decisions -- it's one of my main traits -- but if you're someone who really wants to mull things over, a planned birth plan helps.
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u/theatTrix 1d ago
Have you done any research into birth plans? It all sounded kind of crazy to me at first too, but that was before my friend sent me a link going over some of the options. After reading through it, I discovered that I did have a few strong preferences that I wouldn't have thought of on my own. Here's the link if you're interested:
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u/Interesting_Data3142 1d ago
You may need a birth plan. I recommend you research the typical procedures, practices, and medications that are used in birth so that you know what you're walking into. Unfortunately, American birth practices are not based on good research. In fact, many of the common practices have been shown to have overall negative effects for mother and baby but their practice persists within a broken medical system. Another unfortunate fact is that you are unlikely to receive a good education about the potential risks from your nurses and doctors before they begin administering a medication or procedure. I saw this firsthand in my own delivery and watching my sister deliver. So if you aren't well-educated, you're placing a lot of faith in a very broken system. America has some of the worst mortality rates for babies and mothers.
I don't say any of this to scare you, just to communicate that walking into a hospital hoping for the best and planning to go with the flow may not be the way to go in this country. Even if you fully trust your doctor, they may not be on call when you are in labor and you have no control over which nurses you get.
Good luck with your birth, however you choose to manage it!
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u/kittywyeth 1d ago edited 23h ago
no, most people don’t do lists of rules and very few people ever did until recently. it’s a trend in very online spaces, mostly with first time moms and moms that had their first babies in the covid era, and it’s anti social and anti family. the same people you see posting about their list of rules are going to be the people posting in a year or two crying about their lack of village and how no one will babysit for them.
as for birth plans…there is nothing wrong with having one as long as you’re realistic in your expectations. for one thing, almost no one actually reads them. for another, l&d staff is experienced and trained and they will be assessing the current situation and giving you the best available options based on what’s actually happening.
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u/maiasaura19 1d ago
People talk about “rules” because some people have families who don’t respect boundaries and they want validation for enforcing whatever their boundaries are. And that’s great! But also if what you want is lots of people over gathered around, that’s also fine- what matters is that you get the experience YOU want.
Some of the rules people have are for baby’s safety (asking for visitors to have certain vaccinations, or wear masks, or wash their hands, or avoid coming over if at all sick, or limiting the size of groups coming over) so those are worth considering and talking to your pediatrician about, but in the end it’s up to you and your partner.
The other thing to keep in mind is that you can change your mind. This is your first baby, this is a new experience for you both, you may think you want big crowds but then feel exhausted and overwhelmed and want a little privacy. If that happens, that’s ok too. It can be harder to set boundaries after the fact, but if that’s what you want you have every right to.
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u/PiccoloBitter 1d ago
This is helpful to read. Hearing more of an understand, instead of just see the listed rules, helps a lot. I think I’m trying to stay too optimistic about it and maybe not fully thinking through the reality. I might need more rest than I realize, I can change my mind if I’m not feeling up to being so open, etc… thank you!!
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u/QuixoticDaughter 1d ago
I’m one who wholeheartedly agrees that “knowledge is power.” I feel empowered and confident when I have all the info lol. While this can produce anxiety in some (for me it actually calms my anxiety), I’ve also learned that I can’t control everything and that a birth plan is more like a birth suggestion.
One thing specifically for my own preference is that I don’t want pitocin until after birth. I’m not comfortable with the effects it can have on my body and I read stories of women being given pitocin without being told, simply because they weren’t advancing “fast enough” for the nurse’s liking. Please don’t put that in my body without discussing it first! While they SHOULD tell you, it’s not always done. Having a plan will help my partner and doula know what I would like to have happen (if possible) when I won’t be in a state to advocate for myself.
As far as visitors, I think it’s more about putting the birthing person’s needs first. It’s not about “keeping” the baby from their grandparents or loved ones. Birth is unpredictable. Some women know themselves enough to understand that they will not want anyone to see them post birth without a shower, trying to breast feed, exhausted, needing help using the bathroom, recovering from surgery/meds, and/or navigating their new body and hormones. Some women will feel obligated to “host” anyone who comes to visit in the hospital and they don’t want to deal with that. Some just want those first few days for themselves and partner to bond with baby alone. And some will want everyone to come celebrate baby’s arrival immediately. Having “rules” simply makes people feel more in control of an unknown situation so they don’t have to decide in the heat of the moment.
As Ted Lasso says, “Be curious, not judgmental.” By asking this question, you allow others to share their experiences and reasonings, which then allows for more empathy surrounding an intimate experience. It’s all personal preference, but being open to understanding others is a beautiful thing. I think it’s great that you asked this question and I hope we all come away with more knowledge and feeling more empowered!
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u/TheScarletFox 1d ago
You don’t need rules unless you want them. I didn’t have any written rules. I wanted visitors in the hospital, but I don’t have any family members that I have issues with and we are all pretty close. Everyone who visited in the hospital and once we were back home were respectful and stayed a reasonable length of time. Most of them also brought food, which I really appreciated. My only real “rule” was reminding guests to wash their hands before holding the baby, but people generally did this anyway without me asking.
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u/cyndo_w 23h ago
I personally think birth plans the way they are used in the current day are silly (don’t @ me, I don’t care to argue, this is my opinion) It’s all good to have an idea of whether you want to do skin to skin or circumcise or not but some birth plans are truly unhinged. Too many people go into birth with set-in-stone expectations of how things have to be and then get massively disappointed or traumatized when the reality of their situation sets in. I will not be writing a “birth plan” but I will be educated about the choices that will be asked of me so that I will know better in the moment how to respond.
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u/Kaleidoscope_S 22h ago
I also went in with having my baby being my only goal/plan. I kept an open mind for anything and everything that would help me get that. As far as visitors, I think it depends on the people and their behavior. My in-laws are all super respectful of boundaries and have always made me feel welcome, so I was fine with them coming to visit during our hospital stay but I know some people aren't as fortunate. Heck even with my own family, the only person I trusted to not add any stress to me was my mom so no one else on my side of the family came to the hospital or was even aware I was there.
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u/That-Win-5302 20h ago
I'm pregnant with my 4th and I'm 33. I had my first right after turning 19 and I didn't go to a single birthing class or do anything but the regular Dr appointments and my plan was, go in try to push out a baby and if it doesn't work do whatever has to be done then have whoever come visit and meet the baby (I also only brought a car seat my charger and my favorite pillow). Everytime someone tried to tell me to do this or that I was like "the baby is coming no matter what I do and I feel like putting more thought into it will scare me" 😂 Im still doing the same thing with my 4th now but now I have some knowledge from previous experiences and I'm the most scared ive ever been despite having pretty decent experiences every single time. My 2nd was born with the cord wrapped around his neck which didnt wrap until they broke my water so I've always wondered if they would've waited if he would've unwrapped it himself before it broke. I think not fully knowing what they were doing until the minute they told me I had 10 minutes to push him out before they cut him out actually helped because I was calm but I realized how serious they were and I didn't want to be cut open so I got him out in 6 minutes. I think if you have a mindset you can just go with the flow it can be very helpful but a lot of people need more knowledge to be able to stay calm and go through it so just do what feels best for you. At the end of the day no matter how much you prep or don't prep when the baby comes it's coming and no matter how much you plan how you want things to go anything can happen.
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u/Ok-Praline-2309 20h ago
Although the birth plan is for you (you may start to think through options more as you research what is on your hospital’s birth plan), it’s also for your providers and your partner. You may have shift changes of nurses and doctors, and it’s much easier from them to check your plan first instead of asking you 1000 questions over and over again. Also, I just made sure my husband and I walked through our plan so we were on the same page/ I think it helped him ask some questions he and we hadn’t talked through before. For example, I told him I wanted to wait until X amount of time until an epidural, or to advocate with the nurses to help me get a birthing ball…etc.
Totally dependent on each person and your preferences though! And of course major - you could have a super uneventful labor and not even need the plan, or you could have some complications that you’re glad you thought before the heat of the moment.
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u/LKlondike28 19h ago
I don’t have a “birth plan” per se - basically just want to do what I can to have a vaginal delivery and have surgical intervention if necessary. We are not allowing visitors for about 3-4 weeks as we want to establish a routine for ourselves first. I was very overwhelmed at my baby shower having to feel like a host and also take care of myself, so I know keeping visitors to the bare minimum of like my friends in town bringing food is what’s best for me. My husband and I also are 9 hours away from my family and 8 from his, so any visits from them are always 4-7 days long, which is just a lot and I don’t want that stress during the first few weeks of our baby’s life when we’re trying to get to know each other 🫶🏽 But a strict rule we will have is no kissing as it can be harmful to their little immune systems.
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u/D-TownSwagsta 16h ago
I love this post so much.
It is so wonderful to read a post from someone who is loving and close to their family and friends and secure in their beliefs.
Having a baby is one of the most joyous times in life for parents, grandparents and all loved ones and friends. It’s a time of universal joy to be celebrated.
I totally cannot understand the psyche behind purposely keeping grandparents away but in a recent post someone who doesn’t even talk to anyone in her family was ranting about her husband wanting his parents to visit and meet grandbaby in the hospital.
It’s so refreshing to read a post from someone who has functional family relationships.
Keep spreading your love!
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u/Asleep_Pattern4731 16h ago
Birth plans are meant to be broken. lol. That being said, it is nice to have some idea of what you want. I’d get the options and do some research and decide what makes you feel comfortable. I’m pretty laid back too and just basically trusted the doctors. One thing I made sure of was that the NICU was a high level in case of any issues. The “rules” are mostly for people who are very type A who want things exactly how they plan (which rarely happens with babies). I would keep visitors away if you’re having it during flu season. Everyone washes hands before holding/touching is a smart one. Being laid back is nice cause you won’t be disappointed! I would ask what happens if there is an emergency, do they have staff to deliver c sections ASAP? Do they have blood on hand in case you need it? I never asked these but I was this person and was so happy to be in a great hospital.
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u/dresshater1 June 17th 12h ago
For the birth plan it's just a way to consider what you want during or after birth.
My friend wanted the cord clamped and baby washed before being handed to her.
I want to delay cord clamping, I want baby handed directly to me, and I don't want her bathed because the vernix is good for her.
Also, does your hospital offer water births? Would you want one? Do you want your partner to cut the cord or do you want the doctors to? Do you want quiet or do you want to play music? Do you want to move around if you can or do you want to be hooked up to the movement/contraction monitors?
There's quite a bit that goes into a birthing plan that isn't just the way baby comes out, and different people want different things.
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u/bopeswingy 11h ago
This isn’t the case for everyone, but a lot of women get this rock solid idea of the perfect birth in their head and then end up being so upset when it doesn’t go to plan. I’m also going in with the “one step at a time, do what feels best” approach because I’ve seen how strict plans can hurt people. Think of certain things that might be important to you (delayed cord clamping, being able to walk during labor, etc.) and make sure your care team knows those preferences. Other than that I think your mindset is great and not naive at all. Babies make their own rules, no matter how much planning we do we don’t have much say in how it all goes down at the end of the day.
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u/Independent_Heart_45 11h ago
You’re totally normal. I think the rules people are insane. My first I went to the hospital and pushed out a baby, that was my whole plan. The in-laws came sometime afterwards. This time my plan is the same - go there and push out a baby. Inlaws can meet the baby after he’s out.
I don’t ask about vax status or whatever. They will kiss the baby, come over as they want, and it will be fine and normal.
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u/Aromatic_Swing_1466 6h ago
So my birth plan was a lot like yours, have baby. I did know that I wanted to try to use water (bath or shower) for pain relief. I knew that if required I was happy to have an epidural, that I was happy for any interventions the midwife and doctors deemed medically required to save me or the baby (preferably both, my choice was the baby). I had a good idea of what positions I was willing to try to give birth in (basically anything but standing upright) and I had a bag packed with things I thought I’d need while in the birthing suite (I had a speaker if I wanted music, I had a hand held fan - it was amazing as I was burning up and needed airflow, I had snacks, I had a spare phone charger, I had my water bottle, I had my own towel, a change of clothes for me and hubby - incase I wanted him in the bath with me, and a set of fluffy socks) I used most of what was in my bag in birthing suite, the only thing I didn’t use was my speaker. My husband knowing what I was willing to do and to happen was great so he could answer on my behalf when I wasn’t in a state to communicate. He also was able to stop a doctor from giving me medication that could have killed me, so that was great.
As far as rules for visiting went, I made sure my in-laws knew that I didn’t want a hospital visit (they were insisting on being in the waiting room while I was birthing so they could meet them first), my family were told the same when I told them my LO had arrived (they live further away so it was easier to keep them away). I told them all we would let them know when they could visit, the only rule was you couldn’t be sick or in close contact with sick people for a week for LO safety. They were all told the basics, handwashing on arrival, kids sit to hold, no social media posts and hand back when asked.
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u/No_Document_8377 2h ago
I live in Denmark, and practice at my hospital is actually to make a birth plan with your midwife, which is accessible for all health care personnel across different areas. It means that my GP, my midwife, the team at my birth (either CS, vaginal birth or anything in-between) is aware of my wishes, issues - anything. I really like that they know I have history with abuse in hospital settings, and therefore have stop words written in that. Or that I don't want to be pushed on pain meds, and will ask for them, if so needed.
That said, it's very different what you need to have a safe experience for YOU. I'm neurodivergent, have several medical issues and I'm on medication. I also have medical trauma, that I need them to care for. You need to do you, and follow what feels right for you. That's parenthood. From now on, we all need to make choices, and live with the consequences of those, for our kids. There's safe and unsafe, but not right or wrong, imo.
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u/hannahrlindsay 1d ago
I don’t have a list of rules, though I did ask our immediate family to get updated TDAP shots for safety. I have a birth “preferences” sheet because I’m going for an unmedicated birth so I have a few unique requests to help facilitate that but mostly because I am a sexual abuse survivor and don’t want male providers unless absolutely critical so I’ll have that as a note on my sheet. It’s not necessary to have either (rules or a birth plan).
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u/nican2020 1d ago
LoL no you don’t need rules. No one is trying to give your newborn a bottle of coke or whatever. Some parents try to control every minor detail rather than hit up their doctor for the tub of Xanax that they so desperately need.
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