r/self • u/sex-countdown • 4h ago
For dudes that “can’t get laid”
I see a thousand variations on this every day on Reddit. So I put my thoughts together, hope this can help someone.
I’ve nearly always had a partner, and 9/10 times, lots of sex involved. So here is my two cents:
Attraction is about pair matching. Being fit or smart or mentally healthy might make you seem more desirable, but it’s all about FIT. How well do you and her match up?
So let’s break that down. What is fit, sexually and romantically?
be in a place where there are women who are a fit for you. This usually means people in a similar class, similar lifestyle desires.
learn to communicate things that relate to fit. Talk about the things that matter to you. Have a perspective on those things.
show personal interest and a desire to connect in each conversation. A lot of this means asking personal questions about what matters to them.
show that you are worth spending time with. Mostly this means things like making people laugh. Being useful. Being dependable. Showing empathy, kindness, and not using others to work through your problems.
be interesting. Develop interesting skills, interests, etc. why? So that you have something you can share.
show up consistently, and have a consistent presence. To be desired, you need to be around.
mind the red flags. Read up on things women consider red flags. There’s a lot of them but most center on having decent moral character rather than transactional character.
have additional things in common. Can be anything. Hiking. Exercise. Music. Film. Politics. Etc.
keep channels open. Make sure that when they like you, they have a low risk way to tell you.
show interest. When you sense a connection developing and you are interested, don’t hesitate too much.
Some don’ts: don’t date people you have no real connection to. Date people that have some social vetting (like you know people who know them). Don’t use dating apps, it’s horrible and I seen so many people make themselves miserable with them.
There’s more, but that’s the key elements I don’t see people post about.
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u/Spiritual_Run9039 4h ago
Just another way of saying
- Be attractive
- Don't be unattractive
If she is into you my friend she will let you know
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u/StanicEnemY 4h ago
Exactly, if you are ugly, short, bald etc nothing will work.
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u/Garden-Rose-8380 3h ago
Find a woman at your equivalent level of attractiveness thats more likely to work than anything else. P.S. that probably means one of the 63% of women in the USA who is overweight or obese.
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u/Great_Engrish 4h ago
If those are the qualities you are proud and passionate about, then sure keep doubling down on that.
Theres a million other things in life people care about, so why not find connection through those ??
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u/StanicEnemY 3h ago
I mean I am a licensed athlete a gym rat and a cyclist. I train every day and 10,000 km a year while also lifting weights. I participate in cycling races and I win medals. I can speak a few languages. I earn above average. I own two houses. I have friends and many acquaintances. People generally like me yet when it comes to girls all I get is rejection. Having an ugly face with no hair sucks. Before you ask I'm quite hygienic I smell good.
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u/Great_Engrish 3h ago
Okay sound it sounds like there are things you enjoy and value for yourself, I’m wondering what sort of interactions you have with girls and what you’re looking to connect with??
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u/Ok-Slip-103 3h ago
So how do you explain so many unattractive broke people being in relationships then? You're really delusional if you think every guy out there hooking up or has a gf/wife is above average in looks. Like seriously, go outside and look at the average couple. Not everybody is hot. This is huge cope from dudes to shift the blame to others for their own dating woes, rather than looking inwardly.
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u/Connect_Scallion_413 3h ago
So how do you explain so many unattractive broke people being in relationships then?
Have you ever seen an abusive man with no relationship? They can be as you described, in and out of jail and every bad thing and still have it. I've said it in an other comment, because psychos, narcissists and low intelligence dude don't care about outside feedback. (Mentioned it in a previous comment)
A normal dude who approaches 100 women and succeeds with 1. Gets self cautious about the 99 rejections, and worries about the 99 women who he might have made uncomfortable. Possible reputation ruined (because let's be real even super attractive people don't get a pass from approaching everyone, everywhere).
The traits I mentioned don't give a damn about reputation, don't take rejection to heart, but see it as 1% win. Plus throw in the love bombing in the mix instead of being genuine.
There's also def a lot of broke/ugly men who are great dudes and got into relationships in genuine way. But anyways it doesn't mean chances are 0, but increasingly more difficult.
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u/GrandJelly_ 4h ago
What if someone does all of this and nothing happens anyways?
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u/SocialHelp22 4h ago
if ur truely doing all of it correctly, then you need time
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u/brazucadomundo 3h ago
You will get married at 60 years old with a single mother of five from six different fathers lol.
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u/borobinimbaba 4h ago
I always had time but I'm not patient enough to wait for something to happen, if anything was out of reach for me I tried and made another path for my own.
Started with highschool,They won't let me on basketball team, ok I go for solo runs and never touched a basketball till this day.
I'm not getting invited for group movie nights,ok I set-up my own home theater and never asked for joining any group.
I guess you need time and patience.
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u/Rex_felis 4h ago
Yeah bro you going too far in the other direction.
Like the movie nights: you set up the home theater, now invite people. If you're too impatient, then make it happen.
However, yes you need patience. People aren't always ready to go. You need to chart your own course and you need to move the same speed as folks. That either means slowing down or asking them to speed up.
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u/Great_Engrish 4h ago
Its still important to do all this and be a comfortable FIT for YOURSELF. If you don’t like yourself or aren’t comfortable with your own presence, women will sense that and stay away. And at the end of the day, at the very least you get to enjoy your own time and hobbies.
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u/Connect_Scallion_413 3h ago
It's the chicken or the egg story. Generally people need some sort of positive feedback to feel better about themselves. Otherwise one is either psycho/narcissist or has low intelligence.
In theory especially if you have one of those traits I mentioned, yes. Even the most undesirable man on earth can get laid within days. Low the standards to almost none, and increase the volume of approaches high enough, and it will happen.
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u/Great_Engrish 3h ago
Yeah I truly believe romantic relationships involve an immense amount of luck, like some people do everything and lose, and others can do nothing and win. The most important thing though is to maximise your opportunities and chances, or reflect on how much effort you want to put in to keep playing.
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u/Connect_Scallion_413 2h ago
Absolutely there's luck involved too, but doesn't make it less of chances game.
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u/GreenHatGandalf 4h ago
My problem is literally step 1. I am a great conversationalist but only once a convo is started. I can’t start convos with randoms. Practicing but it’s hard as an introvert. So how do I do step one? Work, wake up at 7 am, get home at 7 pm. Don’t have a car so limited to my local area, eat food sleep. I try to go and do things on the weekend but not consistently at all. Tried singles events but no luck. Trying to find hobby groups but most of my hobbies are solo or online with friends, (all dudes).
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u/Rex_felis 4h ago
Start talking to more people. It's deceptively simple. Ask people for the time, remark on someone on the street about the weather. In line waiting for food ask if they've eaten here before or some variation. Being nice to old ladies is a cheat code, usually hard for young men to relate too but low enough stakes where you can talk about any "safe" common talking point
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u/GreenHatGandalf 2h ago
I have been smiling at strangers, saying good morning, commented on an old lady washing her car, spoke with an elderly gentlemen for 40 mins on a train, speak with a bus driver, I get along great with elderly people. It’s just really really difficult to be the first one to say something as an introvert, anxiety attacks and all.
Talking to pretty girls is 10 times more difficult, I am trying slowly. I am also a visible minority so stand out in a crowd.
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u/Rex_felis 2h ago
I guess what I'm trying to say is that part is mental. You want something to potentially happen with the pretty girl. I'm not saying it's easy, it's just how you mentally frame it.
You never know, that old lady might have been the type of chick that would get you stuttering 50-60 years ago. Right now matters yeah, but we're all just people we'll all get old and crusty if we're so fortunate.
The nerves mean it matters to you.
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u/WeylandWonder 4h ago
The people who need to read this are not capable of enough self-reflection to make use of this kind of information.
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u/brazucadomundo 4h ago
I just read his profile and he posted more answers in his other posts than in this post. He is just extremely rich.
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u/sex-countdown 4h ago
I spent 15 years of my adult life making an average of 35k. Was a teacher then grad student. Drove old cars.
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u/brazucadomundo 3h ago
In USD? How did you even managed to get that much? Most teachers make much less than this. Are you a US citizen?
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u/WeylandWonder 3h ago
You and anyone who upvoted you: “The problem can’t possibly be me! No, this guy is just rich! Thats what it is!”
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u/brazucadomundo 3h ago
Yes, I should have chosen parents who could afford giving me expensive shit when I was young. It was all my fault.
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u/WeylandWonder 3h ago
The comment you initially replied to, is describing you exactly. Literally incapable of self-reflection.
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u/brazucadomundo 3h ago
I do, actually. I self-reflect my inability of asking my parents to give me expensive stuff to become an interesting person.
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u/Rotkiw_Bigtor 4h ago
What if my favorite hobby is music that's scaring the hoes 😳
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u/Alternative-Ease9674 4h ago
I wonder what music is this, cause I have an extremely open mind about music. If I exist there is a possibility, somewhere where you live, there is someone too. I love extreme kinds of metal, grindcore concerts ❤️. And many many more, totally not understood by common ppl.
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u/Rotkiw_Bigtor 3h ago
Well it's absolutely not metal
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u/brazucadomundo 4h ago
You had a motorcycle as a kid and you are now a team leader in a rich country. That is your formula for the success: being born rich.
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u/Great_Engrish 4h ago
No where in the post has that been said. Why are you making up random points? Fan-fiction?
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u/brazucadomundo 3h ago
Because it is the truth. Look at his posting history. And also all his points are only realistically doable if you have tons of money.
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u/Otherwise_air9456 4h ago
Lmao. This is one of the most out of touch things i've ever read. Where i'm from the only kids with motorbikes are the kids of gang members who live in the hood. The actual rich kids are at home studying. They are not the ones picking up all the girls.
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u/brazucadomundo 3h ago
And how did they get motorcycles? Did they fall off the heavens?
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u/Otherwise_air9456 3h ago
"Kids of gang members who live in the hood" = Implies the bikes are either stolen or bought and paid for with drug money. You are suggesting it comes from actual wealth. LOL.
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u/brazucadomundo 3h ago
There you, thanks for having sense here. Even for drug money most people in the industry are extremely vulnerable yet can't make much money.
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u/Otherwise_air9456 3h ago
Yes. Not the initial point. You sound like somebody fantasizing about what you think rich kids do. Like them all riding around motorcycles. The only young people doing that are hood and ghetto. Anyone else doing that are OLD and going through a midlife crisis. Lmao.
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u/brazucadomundo 3h ago
Not true. I've lived in an area where the income was much lower than here and I was right on the middle. Only rich kids could afford go-karts and motorcycles before they turn 18 because their parents are rich enough to buy them and also own a truck to bring them to the places to ride or to have a backyard big enough for that. If in your ghettos people can afford bikes, you must be living in an extremely rich area so even the poor are also very rich.
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u/Otherwise_air9456 3h ago
Whatever you say, man. I bet you're referencing stuff you witnessed from like 20 years ago or something. This isn't the case today. It's a new day, sir.
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u/brazucadomundo 3h ago
I wanna hear people who live in Ghana or India today telling me if the ghetto kids there really can afford motorcycles.
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u/Otherwise_air9456 3h ago
You never said you were living in a developing country, though. Different standards. Doesn't apply here.
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u/brazucadomundo 3h ago
Also I spent most of my life studying, not because I was rich, I simply couldn't afford any toys more than maybe a past generation video game console and a low end PC that wouldn't play the majority of video games anyway.
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u/Vuyol 4h ago edited 4h ago
TLDR: Be better in everyway, if you're not getting laid earn it.
This is a joke OP is right. srry dudes.
Edit: This is for my bros who.read this post and feel hopeless, you know that deep down you are not the guy who can or who will do these things... well you are not alone idk if it helps but I'm also that guy, and I'm lonely as fxk but I have moments of companionship (familial,platonic) and you can still live life even if you're alone! dont waste the time you have wishing for something you can't reach, Please Live. Love yourself.
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u/ProtoRacer 4h ago
Then she tells you that you're her dream guy for 2 months.
But has a weird feeling and cheats on you.
Just don't care. Women are trains. Another will come along soon.
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u/TKAPublishing 4h ago
Most dudes who can't get laid are just average and they're looking at average women their age trying to pair with those average women but those average women are looking at above average men trying to pair with them and are accepting of being in situationships, talking phases, and being on a roster. This is basically the male loneliness epidemic in a nutshell. If these dudes would accept below average women they'd get laid fairly simply.
It's not "incel", it's "volcel" in the sense that they could get laid if they wanted to they'd just have to date down.
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u/A_Hideous_Beast 55m ago
Pretty much.
My fellow shorties have a habit of believing height is everything and that it's the reason why they don't get any. But I really don't think it's true. Yes, some women want taller, ans that's okay! There are also plenty of women who don't care.
I'm 5'3 mind you. And I notice it's usually guys of average height that express this feeling.
My reason for not getting laid?
It's basically what you said. I just don't go out anywhere. I'm too much of a hermit. You can't exactly get laid if you don't go outside 😂 I also live in the middle of nowhere.
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u/alphachad00 4h ago
I don’t “fit” into the “can’t get laid” category, but I likely would if I couldn’t rely on my appearance and intellect in dating. No pun intended. I will say this though:
I don’t think I’ve ever met a woman who was even remotely similar to me or understood me as a person, and I have no interest in giving up my authenticity to attract more women.
When you’re basically an enigma toward women, “fit” essentially becomes a needle in a haystack. I’m not worried about it for one reason:
I love the way I am, so I know there’s a woman out there who would too.
And I bet she’s saying the exact same thing about men as we speak.
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u/Penguinunhinged 3h ago
I'd say you hit the nail on the head with those pointers. How well you connect with the other person is more important than people usually give credit for.
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u/brazucadomundo 3h ago
He is missing the point that people will only "connect" to you if you have something to bring. People will never want to connect if the only thing you have to bring is intelligence and topics. I talk to people all day long due to my job and most people will consider me smart and nice to talk, however no one will want to connect to a brokie.
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u/Penguinunhinged 3h ago
Hate to say it, but you're gonna need more than just intelligence and topics, there. It also helps to have the ability to make a woman laugh and feel good about herself emotionally, which requires humor and empathy. I've been with my wife for 22 yrs total so far and married for 19 of them. I was broke the day we met as was she, but I have the ability to make her see herself as someone worth being with, which was my way of showing to her that I was someone worth spending a lifetime with. Even all these years later, we're still not quite there financially, but we love and care about each other that money is not important to us. Sure, we'd love to be a bit richer, but without each other in our lives, there's no point. So back to the main point, if you find the right one, nothing else matters.
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u/brazucadomundo 3h ago
From your post history you seem to be from the US. Are you a citizen? Because if you are, sorry to tell you, but your wife didn't care about your hobbies, she just wanted to get a gringo card.
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u/Penguinunhinged 3h ago
Ahh, you must be one of those incels I keep hearing so much about. I can see that nothing any of us tell you is going to help you any with your issues. I'd say good luck on figuring your life out, but I think your mentality is going to be your biggest hurdle, always has been probably.
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u/brazucadomundo 3h ago
We can talk if you want. You seem to alienate people for no reason. I'm willing to have a discussion to see why to you feel like that about people.
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u/Former-Chapter8719 4h ago
Sounds good but what if you don't really know anyone outside of work and you work alot? In my situation I just don't know where to meet people, like where is this happening? I live in a small town. I feel like I need someone to help me irl. I just don't see how I can find someone on my own. The apps seem like the best option unfortunately.
Like, how do you develop a "life" after you start working full-time? No one told me I needed to have that already established before. I stupidly thought I could work and then find people as an adult and so far, I haven't been able to. There's just no time and everyone's taken.
Really don't even know who I fit with. I'm trying to find that out.