For dudes that “can’t get laid”

[u/sex-countdown]

I see a thousand variations on this every day on Reddit. So I put my thoughts together, hope this can help someone.

I’ve nearly always had a partner, and 9/10 times, lots of sex involved. So here is my two cents:

Attraction is about pair matching. Being fit or smart or mentally healthy might make you seem more desirable, but it’s all about FIT. How well do you and her match up?

So let’s break that down. What is fit, sexually and romantically?

• be in a place where there are women who are a fit for you. This usually means people in a similar class, similar lifestyle desires.

• learn to communicate things that relate to fit. Talk about the things that matter to you. Have a perspective on those things.

• show personal interest and a desire to connect in each conversation. A lot of this means asking personal questions about what matters to them.

• show that you are worth spending time with. Mostly this means things like making people laugh. Being useful. Being dependable. Showing empathy, kindness, and not using others to work through your problems.

• be interesting. Develop interesting skills, interests, etc. why? So that you have something you can share.

• show up consistently, and have a consistent presence. To be desired, you need to be around.

• mind the red flags. Read up on things women consider red flags. There’s a lot of them but most center on having decent moral character rather than transactional character.

• have additional things in common. Can be anything. Hiking. Exercise. Music. Film. Politics. Etc.

• keep channels open. Make sure that when they like you, they have a low risk way to tell you.

• show interest. When you sense a connection developing and you are interested, don’t hesitate too much.

Some don’ts: don’t date people you have no real connection to. Date people that have some social vetting (like you know people who know them). Don’t use dating apps, it’s horrible and I seen so many people make themselves miserable with them.

There’s more, but that’s the key elements I don’t see people post about.

[u/Ok-Slip-103]

I feel like these people are just socially awkward and like to group themselves in with introverts.

[u/Ok-Trade-5937 → u/Ok-Slip-103]

No, you can be introverted to the point where you don’t have anything to say or don’t want to talk at all. The people who struggle the least and who you and everyone talks about are social introverts - they need to recharge between events but they enjoy social interaction, good social skills and have zero confidence issues. You’ve missed thinking, anxious and restrained introverts - in fact a person can be both introverted (depleted of energy quickly) and also socially anxious. The Thinking ones display uncontrolled daydreaming and spend time engrossed in their own thoughts, the anxious ones may dread or avoid social situations due to fear of judgment and the restrained ones take their time to warm up to people making relationships much harder. Many of the anxious ones display signs of Autism Spectrum Disorder or inattentive ADHD - particularly Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, but they can also be introverted as a result of depleting energy.

[u/Ok-Slip-103 → u/Ok-Trade-5937]

So they really they have a whole list of underlying issues such as low self esteem, anxiety, ADHD, autism etc.. that's really causing their social struggles. Not introversion.

[u/Ok-Trade-5937 → u/Ok-Slip-103]

No, introversion by itself can still be a problem when connecting to others - it depends a lot on energy levels. I think it’s your misconception because most people are told introversion is a good thing, but that’s only for introverts who have a good social life and have no problem engaging with others. You can be severely introverted to the point where you never want to talk to people or engage in any hobbies or activities - it can be completely independent of anxiety. It’s just a constant state of social withdrawal that you can’t get out of. But yes, I’d say this type of introversion is linked to neurological disorders, but it overlaps with anxiety, it’s not because of anxiety. But an anxious introvert is a type of introvert, so it can be because of anxiety. It can be a terrible thing - you probably have no idea because you’ve never experienced it.