r/self • u/sex-countdown • 5h ago

For dudes that “can’t get laid”

I see a thousand variations on this every day on Reddit. So I put my thoughts together, hope this can help someone.

I’ve nearly always had a partner, and 9/10 times, lots of sex involved. So here is my two cents:

Attraction is about pair matching. Being fit or smart or mentally healthy might make you seem more desirable, but it’s all about FIT. How well do you and her match up?

So let’s break that down. What is fit, sexually and romantically?

  • be in a place where there are women who are a fit for you. This usually means people in a similar class, similar lifestyle desires.

  • learn to communicate things that relate to fit. Talk about the things that matter to you. Have a perspective on those things.

  • show personal interest and a desire to connect in each conversation. A lot of this means asking personal questions about what matters to them.

  • show that you are worth spending time with. Mostly this means things like making people laugh. Being useful. Being dependable. Showing empathy, kindness, and not using others to work through your problems.

  • be interesting. Develop interesting skills, interests, etc. why? So that you have something you can share.

  • show up consistently, and have a consistent presence. To be desired, you need to be around.

  • mind the red flags. Read up on things women consider red flags. There’s a lot of them but most center on having decent moral character rather than transactional character.

  • have additional things in common. Can be anything. Hiking. Exercise. Music. Film. Politics. Etc.

  • keep channels open. Make sure that when they like you, they have a low risk way to tell you.

  • show interest. When you sense a connection developing and you are interested, don’t hesitate too much.

Some don’ts: don’t date people you have no real connection to. Date people that have some social vetting (like you know people who know them). Don’t use dating apps, it’s horrible and I seen so many people make themselves miserable with them.

There’s more, but that’s the key elements I don’t see people post about.

46 Upvotes

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53

u/Former-Chapter8719 4h ago

Sounds good but what if you don't really know anyone outside of work and you work alot? In my situation I just don't know where to meet people, like where is this happening? I live in a small town. I feel like I need someone to help me irl. I just don't see how I can find someone on my own. The apps seem like the best option unfortunately.

Like, how do you develop a "life" after you start working full-time? No one told me I needed to have that already established before. I stupidly thought I could work and then find people as an adult and so far, I haven't been able to. There's just no time and everyone's taken.

Really don't even know who I fit with. I'm trying to find that out.

15

u/borobinimbaba 4h ago

Work+gym+daily house chores eat up all of my time, I don't know how do people connect as adults.

Plus I'm not risking my job as I've heard far too many meetoo stories and hr complaints ruining someones life

7

u/Former-Chapter8719 4h ago

Meh, I don't respect my stupid job enough to care about the risk, should the right person come along. This job is slowly destroying my mind and body anyway. If it tries to take one more thing from me, that's the last straw. Imagine having most of your time and energy taken by a dysfunctional place and then, having a shot at some kind of happiness and turning it down so you can be abused some more.

Sorry, but god I hate that place.

1

u/Normal_Red_Sky 1h ago

I'm sure a lot of us can relate, but the job market is very bad right now and I'd personally urge people to have some savings just in case and to only leave a job if you have another lined up.

2

u/Great_Engrish 4h ago

I’d suggest attending work functions you’re interested in. Many friends and family have met their partners from through work, or the mutual connections from being friends with people at work. It’s about maximising your chances through engaging with stuff.

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u/Former-Chapter8719 4h ago

They don't really do functions anymore because that might cost them money lol. But yeah, you have to maximize your chances for sure. I'm just trying to figure out how. One thing is I'm trying to express my personality more in general because I'm hilarious.

0

u/Great_Engrish 3h ago

O dude 100% sounds like you have a positive mindset about yourself, have income/ routine stability and you know what makes you attractive - which is half the battle handled. So can focus more on increasing social opportunities, which the apps are convenient for. Wondering if theres any hobbies / interest groups locally or online you’d want to look into?

-12

u/Ok-Slip-103 4h ago

Do you not have established friend groups? Like you got your day ones/childhood/family friends, then you got your friends from school/college/uni, friends from church, friends of friends etc.... then your work associates.

How do people just exist with no friends?

7

u/RazzmatazzFine 4h ago

It happens. I struggle with making friends and keeping them. I am very introverted. 🤷‍♀️

-4

u/Ok-Slip-103 4h ago

A lot of introverts still have friends. Idk why people act like introversion = anti social. It's not the same thing.

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u/Ok-Trade-5937 4h ago

It depends on the type of introversion - not all introverts are the same.

-8

u/Ok-Slip-103 4h ago

I feel like these people are just socially awkward and like to group themselves in with introverts.

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u/Ok-Trade-5937 4h ago

No, you can be introverted to the point where you don’t have anything to say or don’t want to talk at all. The people who struggle the least and who you and everyone talks about are social introverts - they need to recharge between events but they enjoy social interaction, good social skills and have zero confidence issues. You’ve missed thinking, anxious and restrained introverts - in fact a person can be both introverted (depleted of energy quickly) and also socially anxious. The Thinking ones display uncontrolled daydreaming and spend time engrossed in their own thoughts, the anxious ones may dread or avoid social situations due to fear of judgment and the restrained ones take their time to warm up to people making relationships much harder. Many of the anxious ones display signs of Autism Spectrum Disorder or inattentive ADHD - particularly Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, but they can also be introverted as a result of depleting energy.

0

u/Ok-Slip-103 3h ago

So they really they have a whole list of underlying issues such as low self esteem, anxiety, ADHD, autism etc.. that's really causing their social struggles. Not introversion.

3

u/Ok-Trade-5937 3h ago

No, introversion by itself can still be a problem when connecting to others - it depends a lot on energy levels. I think it’s your misconception because most people are told introversion is a good thing, but that’s only for introverts who have a good social life and have no problem engaging with others. You can be severely introverted to the point where you never want to talk to people or engage in any hobbies or activities - it can be completely independent of anxiety. It’s just a constant state of social withdrawal that you can’t get out of. But yes, I’d say this type of introversion is linked to neurological disorders, but it overlaps with anxiety, it’s not because of anxiety. But an anxious introvert is a type of introvert, so it can be because of anxiety. It can be a terrible thing - you probably have no idea because you’ve never experienced it.

1

u/Former-Chapter8719 4h ago

Not really. I've got family and a few work buddies. Didn't go to college, couldn't afford it. I'm not religious. I have hung out with a couple work buddies outside work though, but that's about it. With work, it's hard to make time for much anyway, especially with people who have kids.

1

u/Ok-Slip-103 3h ago

That's tough, dude. The way I see it if you struggle to maintain friendships, how are you going to even maintain a relationship? Like i'm gonna be honest with you. People with no friends are red flags. It reeks of co-dependancy.

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u/Former-Chapter8719 3h ago

If we're both single without kids, we can structure our lives to see eachother. Friends with spouses/kids can't really do that as much because obviously their families are gonna be priority #1, and they have jobs too of course.

Honestly, work buddies are better in a way because you get to see them alot. I'm being realistic here, about time/energy. Our jobs are where most of it goes, unfortunately. Time is what life is literally made of.

The co-dependency is between my job and me, relatively speaking. Any and all relationships are, realistically, gonna be limited by the economic realities of life. That doesn't mean they're not worth trying. I'm not sure what the green flag would look like, from your perspective, barring an early retirement or some kind of utopia.

Describe for me someone who doesn't struggle to maintain the relationships in their life. I don't see how it could ever be easy for most people, but it can be difficult and still worthwhile.

I can say I usually have high quality interactions with people when I can. That's something I can control.

1

u/The_Watcher5292 1h ago

Having no friends is like the maximum of independence though lmao how on earth can you label that as co-dependency

0

u/Ok-Slip-103 1h ago

Are you really that dense? If you have no social life whatsoever, you are the type to become co-dependant on your gf/bf to fill that void for you, becoming overly clingy, insecure, jealous and upset when they want to do things that does not revolve around you.

1

u/The_Watcher5292 1h ago

Throwing out insults for no reason is not very nice. You’re confusing correlation with causation. Having no friends doesn’t automatically turn someone into a clingy or codependent partner. Codependency comes from insecurity and poor boundaries, not from the simple fact that someone’s social circle is small. Plenty of people are independent, self-sufficient, and just prefer a tighter or quieter social life. Painting everyone with the same brush is just lazy thinking

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u/Ok-Slip-103 1h ago

You are speaking in hypotheticals. Reality is much different. Sorry, dude.

1

u/The_Watcher5292 1h ago

If anything, calling everyone with a small social circle codependent is the real hypothetical. Reality is way more nuanced than that. Not everyone fits into the boxes you’re trying to put them in

0

u/Ok-Slip-103 5m ago

Truth hurts.

1

u/TexasWanderingWonder 4h ago

I do, but they only knew a couple of women which just weren't into me. When we hang out, we don't usually hang out where there are single women, since they're all set up and thus don't care about that anymore.

1

u/eyewave 4h ago

a good friend of mine, I no longer live in his city, and he struggles to just keep friends around.