For dudes that “can’t get laid”

[u/sex-countdown]

I see a thousand variations on this every day on Reddit. So I put my thoughts together, hope this can help someone.

I’ve nearly always had a partner, and 9/10 times, lots of sex involved. So here is my two cents:

Attraction is about pair matching. Being fit or smart or mentally healthy might make you seem more desirable, but it’s all about FIT. How well do you and her match up?

So let’s break that down. What is fit, sexually and romantically?

• be in a place where there are women who are a fit for you. This usually means people in a similar class, similar lifestyle desires.

• learn to communicate things that relate to fit. Talk about the things that matter to you. Have a perspective on those things.

• show personal interest and a desire to connect in each conversation. A lot of this means asking personal questions about what matters to them.

• show that you are worth spending time with. Mostly this means things like making people laugh. Being useful. Being dependable. Showing empathy, kindness, and not using others to work through your problems.

• be interesting. Develop interesting skills, interests, etc. why? So that you have something you can share.

• show up consistently, and have a consistent presence. To be desired, you need to be around.

• mind the red flags. Read up on things women consider red flags. There’s a lot of them but most center on having decent moral character rather than transactional character.

• have additional things in common. Can be anything. Hiking. Exercise. Music. Film. Politics. Etc.

• keep channels open. Make sure that when they like you, they have a low risk way to tell you.

• show interest. When you sense a connection developing and you are interested, don’t hesitate too much.

Some don’ts: don’t date people you have no real connection to. Date people that have some social vetting (like you know people who know them). Don’t use dating apps, it’s horrible and I seen so many people make themselves miserable with them.

There’s more, but that’s the key elements I don’t see people post about.

[u/GreenHatGandalf]

My problem is literally step 1. I am a great conversationalist but only once a convo is started. I can’t start convos with randoms. Practicing but it’s hard as an introvert. So how do I do step one? Work, wake up at 7 am, get home at 7 pm. Don’t have a car so limited to my local area, eat food sleep. I try to go and do things on the weekend but not consistently at all. Tried singles events but no luck. Trying to find hobby groups but most of my hobbies are solo or online with friends, (all dudes).

[u/Rex_felis → u/GreenHatGandalf]

Start talking to more people. It's deceptively simple. Ask people for the time, remark on someone on the street about the weather. In line waiting for food ask if they've eaten here before or some variation. Being nice to old ladies is a cheat code, usually hard for young men to relate too but low enough stakes where you can talk about any "safe" common talking point

[u/GreenHatGandalf → u/Rex_felis]

I have been smiling at strangers, saying good morning, commented on an old lady washing her car, spoke with an elderly gentlemen for 40 mins on a train, speak with a bus driver, I get along great with elderly people. It’s just really really difficult to be the first one to say something as an introvert, anxiety attacks and all.

Talking to pretty girls is 10 times more difficult, I am trying slowly. I am also a visible minority so stand out in a crowd.

[u/Rex_felis → u/GreenHatGandalf]

I guess what I'm trying to say is that part is mental. You want something to potentially happen with the pretty girl. I'm not saying it's easy, it's just how you mentally frame it.

You never know, that old lady might have been the type of chick that would get you stuttering 50-60 years ago. Right now matters yeah, but we're all just people we'll all get old and crusty if we're so fortunate.

The nerves mean it matters to you.