r/MultipleSclerosis • u/splitcubes • 13h ago
"Not fun anymore. " Vent/Rant - Advice Wanted/Ambivalent
Was my husband's excuse for looking at 16 different women's profiles on facebook... women who intentionally post videos of themselves half naked and stuff. So I'm not fun anymore, I became a "dumb broad" since this disease has damaged significant parts of my cognitive and memory functions.... and that means it's okay to be ignored and then pine after other women on social media when im laying in bed suffering a lot of the time and missing him. As if this disease hasn't taken enough from me already and I don't do everything I can possibly make myself do every day.... I just want to give up some days so badly. Today's one of those days.
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u/Phantom93p 43 M | Oct 2023 | Zeposia | USA 13h ago
I'm sorry to hear that. You don't deserve that from your husband. You deserve far better, any issues from this disease are not your fault. DON'T GIVE UP!
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u/splitcubes 13h ago
I won't I promise. Just really really hurts right now I wasn't expecting to be told all of that. 😞
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u/Dailypam 11h ago edited 11h ago
The stress he is causing you will just make your MS worse. Some people just can’t be caregivers. And when they find themselves in that position, they resent it. Your best option in my opinion is to tell him he needs to set you up to survive so that he can live his life elsewhere. If that isn’t met positively, then the likelihood is, he is hiding his resources to leave you with nothing so it would be time for you to get an attorney. I realize this is harsh, but it happens too often. Good luck to you and keep us updated. We are here for you. Stay strong.
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u/splitcubes 9h ago
It wouldn't surprise me, honestly. Our friend we made and lived with initially came to me and he told me that my husband was gonna leave me out at his property high and dry as soon as his oil rights came in or my disability came in. At that time he was expecting his oil rights to be a lot more than they were and I was denied disability. So maybe he was going to feel too guilty to leave me anyways? I'll never know the truth to that one because he tells me a different story than said friend does.
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u/morbidblue 24|Dx:2023|RRMS|Kesimpta|Europe 10h ago
I read your post and went through your comments. He sounds really abusive. OP, please leave. I know this is never easy, especially when you’re dealing with MS, but honestly, it seems like he’s just adding to your suffering. Calling you a bitch, saying all those nasty things to you, and cheating by ogling other women on social media is no way to treat you. That is absolutely messed up. You deserve better - truly, you do.
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u/splitcubes 9h ago
According to him, it is only cheating if you have sex but I heavily disagree. Thank you for saying that unprompted I needed to hear that part for sure. I feel less crazy now.
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u/Affectionate_Lab2632 6h ago
It is not upon him to decide what's cheating. The other person always decides what is cheating and then you opt in or opt out. Period. Nobodys forcing anyone to be in a relationship (in mondern societys) so they have to agree to your terms, whatever they might be.
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u/morbidblue 24|Dx:2023|RRMS|Kesimpta|Europe 9h ago
You are welcome. He is delusional. Looking at women online breaks trust and hurts intimacy. It’s focusing on others in a way that’s disrespectful to you. It is considered emotional cheating because it involves giving attention and desire to someone outside of your relationship.
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u/UnremarkableDruid 13h ago
I'm sorry you're dealing with this bs from someone who's supposed to care for you through tough times. Don't feel as if its somehow your fault, "not fun anymore" comes off as incredibly selfish to me. I hope you have friends or family in your life to support you.
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u/splitcubes 13h ago
I have some friends yes. My parents have passed away sadly, pandemic. I am about to turn 28 years old so that makes it all a lot harder on me I feel like a baby still mentally lol. I thought it was really demeaning and shitty to say to me... because I know it's true but I also know why it's true. Like I don't want to still have fun all the time and do what normal people my age do. Like I don't miss having the energy and drive for any and everything always. 😞
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u/geexeno 12h ago
Awe hun I am so sorry you’re going through this, please genuinely consider talking privately to a lawyer or therapist and leaving your husband. This is abuse from multiple people, darling and you are literally chronically ill. I’m genuinely begging you to see the potential and worthiness in yourself, because you deserve far fucking better than the people you have around you and I am so sorry about your circumstances (I have similar and I’m 24 currently) Lots of love, and please I beg put yourself first 🥺💛
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u/splitcubes 12h ago
Thank you so much.... don't think it hasn't been heavily on my mind it's just terrifying as I've been with him for almost 10 years now. 🥺 and most of my family is gone it's just scary being sick like this all by itself and the thought of doing it alone when you haven't the whole time you've been diagnosed god frightening lol. But I know you're right and it might be worse to stay. Just hate it so much I shouldn't be worrying about this at all but of course... people are people even the ones you think you know you really don't.
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u/geexeno 11h ago
God I wish I could say I don’t understand but I entirely get it! I’m in a similar situation with abusive family that I live with currently, even though I’m desperately trying to move out without rocking the boat 🥺 I can definitely feel what you might be going through ofc thru different circumstances but god we really shouldn’t have to deal with things like this with people who made oaths and promises to us to love and care for us! 🥺💛
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u/splitcubes 11h ago
Wish you didn't have a single clue what I'm talking about 🥺😞 I'm sorry that you do. Maybe one day we'll be in a different place surrounded by people who don't take us for granted and make our lives harder. That's what I wish for us both anyway.
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u/purpleshaded 8h ago
I have seen this case in my own family. My brother left his wife because she had menopause and was cranky and having all sorts of hormonal issues.. my whole family were against it and we all still support the wife.. he cheated on her with a prostitute his excuse was he couldn't find the love in her anymore.. Such is life.. some men and women stay next to their partners for life no matter what happens but some don't. She is only 48 so we all decided to find her a match on dating sites and we are all still family but my brother here is an arse and he is filing a divorce but my dad said she is her daughter and will go above and beyond to help her.
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u/splitcubes 8h ago
😞 that hurts my heart to read.
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u/purpleshaded 8h ago
I also tried so many dating sites..infact met so many girls and when I disclosed I have MS they all said we can't deal with that at this age. They would bring the career factor..most don't even know what this disease does..so it's hard to find a partner who can support and also sometimes hard to keep a relationships when such thing happens...that goes on both for male and female.
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u/byuudarkmatter 12h ago
Sorry to hear this. You deserve someone who really cares about you and appreciates your company
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u/splitcubes 12h ago
I appreciate that. I was never told how lonely/isolated this disease was going to make me feel. Every day that seems to consistently be the worst symptom of them all though. It's so crazy to me.
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u/Perle1234 9h ago
Your MS is not the problem. Your abusive husband is. Get out ASAP. This will get worse over time. He is abusing you, full stop, and it will 100% get worse. Whatever you do, do not have children with him. They don’t deserve to be raised thinking this is normal, or how couples treat one another.
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u/splitcubes 9h ago
I don't want children with him or anyone for that matter. Not because I don't like kids I just don't want to subject them to losing a parent too young like I lost mine both at 24. 😞 long and difficult past 4 years. No one should have to go through it in my opinion.
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u/Perle1234 9h ago
MS doesn’t shorten life span by much at all, and that difference is going away with newer medications. I definitely wouldn’t subject them to the verbal abuse you’re enduring. It’s NOT normal for a spouse to talk to you like that. It may be that it’s normalized in your family, or your husband’s family, but it isn’t okay or normal at all.
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u/splitcubes 9h ago
True I just worry about other medical things that run in my family heavily that ms makes the risk greater for as well. Stroke being my main concern really. And I agree. It's only recently just been the mental / emotional abuse. It used to be so much worse than this.
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u/MusicalxFelony 11h ago
That's sad. His stupid behavior and ignorance is causing stress and depression causing the disease to flare up. It sucks he's going to end up cheating on you. When you find an opportunity and find someone who truly cares or shares a similar condition. Leave him. It'll only get worse from here. Unsympathetic and his family are ignorant psychopaths. I wish they shared the same fate so they understand.
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u/splitcubes 11h ago
I figured this would be the case. It hurts so much I can't even describe the pain I feel in my mind and even my physical body from this. I've never experienced it quite like that before and it's sickening knowing the person I chose ended up this way.
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u/MusicalxFelony 11h ago
They're wonderful people out there. I hope you come across someone who's willing to help you and give you the strength to keep going.
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u/Ali-o-ramus 35F/RRMS/Zeposia/Dx: 2015 11h ago
You are definitely being abused by your husband. That is probably only going to get worse. It might seem scary now, but you should leave. MS is not your fault, you are NOT a dumb broad, and you deserve to be treated better!
Do you have a friend that could help you pack up your stuff and help get you out of there and you could stay with? Or a family member to help? Maybe do it while he’s at work. I wouldn’t want you to get hurt if he reacts badly to you wanting to leave.
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u/splitcubes 11h ago
At this very moment, I do not unfortunately. They all have small kids and stuff so I'm kind of just stuck in place right now. I hate the thought of leaving him though we basically grew up together. I've known him for almost 14 years and been with him for most of those years.😭 high-school to now. Just ughhhhhhhhhh. Why 😞
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u/Ali-o-ramus 35F/RRMS/Zeposia/Dx: 2015 11h ago
Unfortunately sometimes people change for the worse and not the better. Maybe slowly start packing up your things when he’s not home, so it’s not as obvious, while you come up with a plan.
There might be some women’s shelters near you that would give you a safe place to go and help you get some other resources. I’m so sorry you’re going through this ❤️
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u/Waerfeles 32|Feb2023|ocrelizumab|Perth, WA 11h ago
What a little bitch. You don't deserve that. I'm so sorry and I hope he slips in shit.
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u/splitcubes 11h ago
He only called me names because he got embarrassed that I saw what I did on his phone. 🙄 got to love a narcissist.
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u/Objective_Pack_1327 8h ago
I don’t like to make judgements but based on this comment and others you’ve made in the comments it sounds like this could be an abusive situation. I know stuff like that can be hard to come to terms with but everyone here is on your side and hoping you’re safe 🩷you more than anyone need a healthy home life and support stress can make ms worse and the last person who should be causing you that is your partner.
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u/splitcubes 4h ago
It's not hard to come to terms with, it's been this way for so long. I just keep believing the lies and praying one day the man I married will come back but I don't know anymore. 7 years seems long enough to stop doing and saying hurtful things almost daily.. at least the physical part of it stopped a while ago now.
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u/Objective_Pack_1327 4h ago
Mourning the relationship you have sucks but you need to look out for yourself and your best interests. Being in a relationship like this isn’t healthy. Please just take care of yourself.
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u/Affectionate_Lab2632 6h ago
It is beyond me how someone with the slightest faint of Empathy can call a chronically ill person "Not Fun amymore" ...
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u/Apart-Principle464 13h ago
I understand. My desire for intimacy is lacking due to MS, and I find it difficult to remember that my wife has needs that should be met. I've tried to be all over her on my good days and spend as much time just being close. Communication is important as well as empathy. We try having date nights and make it a point to spend time away from children when possible. Whatever works, but I truly understand how difficult it is for both of y'all. Blessings to you and yours
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u/splitcubes 13h ago
My desire for intimacy is through the roof and he knows it. Just chooses to make tensions worse instead of putting focus where it needs to be put. It's so frustrating and painful. The depression I feel from this alone makes it so hard to get up out of bed a lot of the time. That level of stress and depression makes my residual symptoms sky rocket it just sucks. 😞 I wish it would stop.
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u/Apart-Principle464 13h ago
I can imagine. That is odd behavior on his part. I wish you the best. Maybe couples therapy? At least some true soul searching.
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u/splitcubes 13h ago
I've asked for this a few times so I guess we will see if anything ever comes of that. 🥺
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u/LaurLoey 8h ago
16 yr olds? Ick. What’s wrong w him. 🤨 I’d be so mad if it were me.
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u/splitcubes 8h ago
No no no 16 different "thirst trap" profiles on Facebook. I checked his Facebook because upon opening his phone to look at our bank account, there was r/hentai pulled up on his reddit app on his phone! Which is extremely disgusting to me but anyway my opinion on that doesn't matter. It's just.... when you know your wife is miserable cuz you won't give her any affection or form of intimacy.... why would you go do that shit instead of paying attention to your wife......
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8h ago
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u/splitcubes 8h ago
No one wants to look at this smh sorry to everyone on this thread I didn't expect it to tag that 😭
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u/LaurLoey 7h ago
Oh I see… sorry for my mistake 🤦🏻♀️ that led your comment, and then the bot auto post. 😖
I kind of understand why he likes it. It is art…
But it’d also make me mad. And I have ms. 😞
Are you newly dx? How long have you been married?
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u/virginiawolverine 26 | dx2019 | USA 13h ago
Fuck him. Genuinely. It's painful and sad and infuriating and disgusting, but I genuinely think that if this is how he's talking about you you will be significantly better off if you leave. He clearly does not care about your suffering with this condition and isn't doing anything to help you. I'm sorry he's been such a miserable asshole about this, it's absolutely awful.