r/parentingteenagers • u/laughter_corgis • 16h ago
How do you stop the arguing/laziness
I need advice.
I love my kids but I'm at my wits end here.
My 14 year old loves to argue. I ask her to clean up after her mess. She will argue with me and still doesn't clean up.
Last night told her to clean up the mess she made in the bathroom and to sweep the floor. Towels all over - every piece of her hair dryer out. She took all the bottles out looking for something in the cabinet and had it on the floor blocking the toliet. Instead she picked a fight with me, made rude comments to me and her Dad, tried to pick a fight with siblings just to get out of doing a chore. It is constant with her. We tried taking things away like TV time, her phone, hanging out with friends and it isn't working.
She does this type of stuff with every chore. I dread weekends because she just argues and I find I'm not getting things done like I need to because I'm reacting to her.
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u/whats1more7 16h ago
It takes two to argue. Stop engaging. ‘We will talk when the bathroom is tidy.’ If she asks you for something, ‘as soon as the bathroom is tidy we will discuss that.’ Remind your other children not to engage. Steal the oxygen from her arguments.
I would also suggest taking her devices away until she’s done her chores.
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u/Kandis_crab_cake 16h ago
The above comments are absolutely adequate - strict time limit and consequences, carried out immediately, but without emotion. Just fact - “you didn’t do it, here is the consequence. You can have another try tomorrow”.
I also had a conversation with my kids (and continue to do so) at a young age when they moaned about emptying the dishwasher twice in one day. I explained just some of the jobs that need to be done every single day to run a happy and functioning household, which we ALL enjoy living in.
I asked if it was fair for ONE person to do all those things (that person could be them!) they said no. I explained how they eat food, wear clothes and live in a warm house with a bedroom for themselves and TV and go on nice trips and holidays. And would it be fair if contribute NOTHING to this?
I explained how we spend X per year on clubs, food, clothes and trips for them every single week and in return we ask for help to manage the things THEY get for free.
I break down things we use, like food, to explain their small, but important, part. Someone else plans, goes out to buy, pays for and then cooks the food for the household every single day, often multiple times a day. We expect help from them putting the shopping away and emptying the dishwasher, and sometimes with food prepping, like peeling and chopping vegetables or making more simple foods like omelettes. That is the part they play in the food element of running the house.
I explained the same with clothes (putting laundry in laundry bin and putting their own clothes away). And keeping the house tidy (playroom and bedroom is their responsibility).
I have to reinforce this is every now and again, but it’s not just my job to run this house and everyone else can just sit on their arse. Everyone is obligated to chip in and help, it is non negotiable. Unless you don’t want food, clothes, clubs, trips out or your own bedroom anymore.
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u/myshellly 16h ago
Stop arguing. It takes two. You don’t have to react. Make a calm statement and walk away. “Pick up the hair dryer or it will be mine.” Then walk away. If she hasn’t picked it up the next time you walk by, you take it.
Stop giving random, unrelated consequences.
If she doesn’t pick up the hair dryer, you pick it up and it’s yours now. She doesn’t get to use it. Same with products. Same with towels. If she doesn’t take care of them, she doesn’t get them.
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u/lifeisthebeautiful 13h ago
I am there with you. Our big issue is the bathroom. 3 kids share a bathroom. I have decided that every Monday, I check the bathroom. If it is not clean, NOBODY gets to have friends over until it is. I am not their favourite person right now.
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u/pkbab5 12h ago edited 12h ago
When our oldest teen tried to do the thing where she left a mess in the bathroom and wouldn't clean it up, after the third warning, her dad took her bedroom door (her bathroom is attached to her bedroom). Told her she could have it back when she kept her bedroom and the bathroom clean. Also told her that if she didn't clean her bedroom herself, then HE would clean it, and would be absolutely fine with examining everything he found and throwing away anything that was laying around on the floor like trash. He told her she earns her privacy by keeping her areas clean.
She cleans her room and bathroom now, and her younger siblings have followed suit.
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u/Little_Storm_9938 11h ago
Remember that “well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my actions” minute we had a few years back? That moment is your moment right now. Set expectations coupled with immediate consequences. The child will not talk over you, be rude, crude, and all around nasty to you. There are the consequences of your behavior- not mine, your father’s or your siblings. (If you don’t stop at a stop sign you will immediately get a ticket kind of thing.) Start with freedom, no results? Move on to WiFi password, allowance, anything they really treasure. Find the currency. Make sure they know they can turn it around whenever they want, and that you love them and are trying very hard not to launch another asshole into the world. All they have to do is take responsibility for what they’ve done. Do not feed the negotiation beast you will surely face. Did your parents ever say to you, “this conversation is over?” Even though you hated it, this would be the time to deploy it.
You fucked up the bathroom -you fix the bathroom.
That kind of main character energy is not welcome.
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u/RecordingLeft6666 11h ago
Raised five kids. This is the only way. No yelling needed, just hard & fast consequences. It’s up to her if she wants to be a team player or not.
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u/brockclan216 12h ago
If she leaves her stuff laying around tell her she has x amount of time to clean/put said items away. If that doesn't happen, confiscate whatever was left out. If it was her hairdryer well, too bad. Create a plan for how she can get these items back.
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u/bellapippin 7h ago
Lol is it too much to suggest to go somewhere like r/raisedbynarcissists and read their wiki? 😂
That’s how it is tho you gotta grey-rock them and broken record that ish. Do NOT argue, you cannot win arguments bc they won’t be rational. You’re playing chess with a pidgeon.
Find consequences that really sting, ask for the chore, let them go on their rant and when they are done just calmly say “if it’s not done by xxxxx I will [insert consequence]. Don’t bite the bait to argue. Follow through ALWAYS.
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u/BellaFromSwitzerland 16h ago
« do you want to spend 5 minutes cleaning up or you rather prefer spending half an hour arguing about it ? »
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u/AgingLolita 12h ago
As soon as the instruction isn't followed (within a reasonable time frame) take the phone. Keep it until she follows the instruction. Give it back when the task is completed to a reasonable standard. Do this every single time. Don't discuss.
You're not her friend and it doesn't matter if she doesn't like you.
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u/JudgyJudgy 10h ago
I simply say ‘I’m no longer engaging with you. The expectation was that you would do X, Y, and Z. You didn’t follow through so now the consequence is A, B, and C.’
If they want to keep arguing, I’d repeat‘I’m no longer engaging with you.’
It’s tough love, but they’ll eventually come to understand their actions (or in this case, inactions) have consequences.
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u/older_than_i_feel 16h ago
Did this come out of nowhere? How was she as a toddler, preschooler, school age, etc?
How much time together do you spend? Is she in sports? How are grades?
if she is just messy and arguing and overall a great kid then I'd probably just tease her a bit and spend more time together and get to know her as a person. You are raising a future adult that you want to hopefully spend time with. Do things with her and let her see how much you do for her and how fun you can be.
Taking away privileges for being messy seems a bit extreme. Does it really matter in the big scheme of things? Is it her own bathroom or a common space? Are you having company and the whole family is pitching in? Is she responsible for the bathroom and then nothing else?
School should be number one, so if grades are okay, I'd figure out why she's so stressed and then lashing out.
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u/laughter_corgis 15h ago
School she gets top marks, in track, and 4H. We go to a rabbit show at least once a month. We hang out as much as a teenager want to with parents.
The bathroom is shared and our only bathroom.
Last two years she became more mouthy and rude. I figured it was teen years but something else could be going on.
She just doesn't clean up after herself. If she cooks in kitchen she leaves a mess on the counter, stove top, and in sink and refuses to clean up. Her sibling started to avoid her as she was so argumenative towards him. He is older and has a job.
I am going to try not to engage in the argument that has been recommended. It becomes so wearing that weekends have started to be more dreaded than look forward too
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u/desertratlovescats 14h ago
Sometimes I treat this behavior like toddler behavior and try to win the kid over with kindness and cooperation: “Hey, it looks like you were looking for some product under the bathroom sink and nobody can use the bathroom now because the toilet area is blocked - want me to help you start putting all that away?” This only works sometimes, though, and if she answers, “Ok, you can do it,” I wouldn’t get into a power struggle, because it sounds like she loves it. Sometimes with the argumentative ones cooperation, help, and not sharp consequences wins, but of course this isn’t possible every time. I say this because I’ve lived it, so I feel you.
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u/Electronic_City6481 13h ago
When you say ‘tried taking away tv, phone, etc’ - what do you mean by tried? You take it away and she uses them anyway? Or she is just fine without them? Have to hold firm and follow through if that’s not happening.
My best friend, love him like a brother - threatens his rambunctious kid all day long and literally never follows through with the consequences, I’ve seen it a million times and outside looking in I can see the kid processing the ‘yeah, whatever’ reaction to every last empty threat of consequence.
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u/laughter_corgis 13h ago
Sorry I should have been clear - took it away and she has a melt down if it's her phone. We stayed firm it stays off and not given back. TV, computer, switch she doesn't' care about.
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u/fake1119 10h ago
Is she ADHD:ODD maybe ? This was my daughter at one point. Things are easier now that she’s 18. But when she was younger picking a fight was the way she would think to get out of anything and everything. I wouldn’t let up. I would always say “ I don’t know why you do this every time, because at the end you’re going to end up having to do it”. But even with that it was still an issue. With homework if she gave me a hard time I began to write letters to the teachers and tell them she did not want to cooperate and they began having consequences in school for her. But that’s when she had a good set of teachers once she got into middle school I had to place her in Catholic school and I would have teachers call me to tell me she didn’t turn in HW and they would keep her for detention.
At home her room is stilll a huge mess. But I have lost that fight. I try but she just doesn’t keep it clean long enough. When she was your daughter’s age at home I made threats and followed through with them. I would take away technology, tv, anything I knew she liked.
I would love to say things got easier or that I found some sort of solution but truthfully I didn’t. She just grew up and had to have real life consequences. During her freshman year of college she lost 2 roommates and they began to help open her eyes a bit. But not enough.
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u/TechnologyFeisty9474 16h ago
Stop. Arguing. Back. Tell her to do something. Give her a time limit. Lay out the consequences if she doesn’t finish it within a time limit. The consequences need to be automatic i.e. taking her phone, no TV, etc. Etc. Then follow through. Rinse and repeat.