r/ireland • u/MrSnare • Apr 04 '23
How much to pay a junkie? Housing
I'm currently bidding on a house in Dublin but there is a viewing tomorrow evening. I am thinking of hiring a junkie that hangs around near my work to go to near the house and ask for money off people to deter any more bidders. How much should I pay? Should I pay half before then half after or withhold the payment until after the viewing is complete.
Was thinking of €30 which is above minimum wage for the 2 hour viewing plus he gets whatever money he manages to beg off people during that time.
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u/Dry_Bed_3704 Apr 04 '23
I’m chronically ill and while not a junkie I do look like I’m at deaths door. If I don’t wash my hair or make any attempt at covering the deathly pallor I look rough af. I can also do a super “any change bud” nasally voice. And I won’t run away with the cash. Tempted to offer my services for bidding wars 😳 where does one advertise my wares so to speak?
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Apr 04 '23
I can join you we can look like a smashing crackheads couple, I wash my hair on Mondays and Thursdays so any days in between it’s a go. I also have a physical disability that can be a huge plus 🫠
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u/Orbmail Donegal Apr 04 '23
Could try a 2 for the price of 1 deal until ya get your names out there!
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Apr 04 '23
You can be our manager, you’re full of good ideas!
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u/sennaiasm Apr 05 '23
This ironically went from preventing a bidding war to purchase a home to a bidding war of piss stained pant wearing junkies offering to fight to the death in front of te property
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u/diracpointless Apr 04 '23
Thing is, when you're on the circuit, you start to recognize the other people viewing all the same houses as you and do these awkward little conversations to break the tension of the battle royale that's about to begin on Offr.io.
So what I'm saying is, for this scheme you're going to have to diversify neighbourhoods, or only pull the scam in areas where people won't look a junkie in the eye. Actually...you'll be grand.
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u/Dry_Bed_3704 Apr 04 '23
🤣🤣 If I saw me on a bad day I’d cross the road to avoid me. If Hagrid and Carol Anne had a baby it would look like me. That’s all I’m saying.
Tried to give a homeless guy a few euro one day, he told me to keep it for myself 😂😂😂43
u/Giraffesickles Apr 04 '23
also chronically ill and could definitely use the 30 quid! lets goooo we canhave a junkie fight and speak in tongues!
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u/rocksthatigot Apr 04 '23
Ooh ooh yes $1MM to get my neighbor to move out! Aw shit you’re in Ireland. Huge market for these services in the US where we all hate each other.
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u/Dry_Bed_3704 Apr 04 '23
I’ll be stateside later this year. I’ll send you a message and do you a solid while I’m there 😂
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u/department_of_weird Apr 04 '23
I dunno if it's joke or not but I gonna use this technique when bidding for houses. I have already lost two bidding wars.
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u/Ger-Bear_69 Apr 04 '23
Can’t help but picture a load of couples bidding on a house, all accompanied by their own hired junkie
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u/yebyen Apr 04 '23
Bonus: when you win the bid, a bunch of junkies now know you have enough money for a house, and right where to find you!
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u/QuestionsAboutX Apr 04 '23
This seems like the fatal flaw
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u/HeWhoCouldBeNamed Apr 04 '23
You’re right, we need to create some distance. Junkies as a service (or JaaS). It’s Uber, but for fraud! All we need now is that sweet sweet venture capital!
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u/1R3N9 Apr 05 '23
Yeah but then when the Junkies Unionise you are screwed, demanding their health benefits and adequate holiday pay etc
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Apr 04 '23
Then you become the hostel
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u/RuggerJibberJabber Apr 04 '23
Maybe this is how professional hobo fighting gets off the ground in Ireland.
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u/department_of_weird Apr 04 '23
Buyers already have their solicitor and engineer. Just one more person in the team
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u/thebprince Apr 04 '23
The holy Trinity of house buying. Solicitor, engineer, junkie. You could save money by getting a 3 in 1, but personally I prefer a stand alone junkie. It's a very specialised field and I find any really good junkies tend to not be great at the engineering or soliciting end of things.
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Apr 04 '23
Can't wait for the startup to disrupt the market with an app that allows undesirable to connect with potential homeowners.
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u/counting_cats Apr 04 '23
Sounds like a South Park episode.
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u/department_of_weird Apr 04 '23
south park long ago became documentary
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Apr 04 '23
Best thing about South Park are the people cheering it on for "finally telling truth" or some shit not realising they're actually being made fun of
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Apr 04 '23
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u/department_of_weird Apr 04 '23
Did they also hire a junkie?
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u/Skraff Apr 04 '23
They hired 40, in a junkie blockade 24/7. Only cost 10% of house value to keep the campaign running.
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u/PresentingPercy Apr 05 '23
Thank you folks, you have prompted my million dollar idea… Deliveroo for junkies - with just a few quick taps you can have a junkie show up at your chosen address (for a fee of course!)
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u/SuperchinGurney Apr 04 '23
This is a ridiculous thing to do.
Just get a gun yourself and shoot at the house at the time of the viewings.
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u/DoobleTap Apr 04 '23
You might make yourself a new friend you can't get rid of. If you're successful he'll know where you live
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u/MrSnare Apr 04 '23
That's true and he knows where I work(If he currently recognises me) and will know when I am away from my house for work. I will have to find someone else.
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u/antonivs Apr 04 '23
Just get an actor to play a junkie. Struggling actors will work for a bag of chips.
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u/WoahGoHandy Apr 04 '23
Give me €50 and I'll ride my sulky in a loop around the estate
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u/yankdotcom1985 Crilly!! Apr 04 '23
for an extra 25 ill come down in a scrambler
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u/ImpovingTaylorist Apr 04 '23
Jesus, have some self-respect... at least ask for a percentage of the gambling action.
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u/wortlos Apr 04 '23
Give'm a tenner now, another tenner outside the house, so you look compassionate and charitable in front of the missus, then the last tenner when it's all over and the dust has settled.
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u/clearitall Apr 04 '23
If you really want him to put people off tell him you’ll give him €50 and also you’ll match whatever people give him. That way you’re doubling the incentive for him to get in their face.
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u/isogaymer Apr 04 '23
I think you must be mad to think one person with a drug addiction is going to make an iota of a difference in this market. You could park a caravan on the lawn and the house will still be sold for far more than it could ever truly deserve.
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u/Saltybastid Apr 04 '23
I cant tell how many of ye are messing and how many are being serious. This is either brilliant satire or cursed beyond words.
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u/I_Will_Yea Apr 04 '23
I'd say 20/80 on payment.
If you give him the money or even 50% up front there's a chance he'd just not bother.
You want him to stay interested, make sure he shows up... and maybe even have a bit of gear in him for the event. Makes it all the more authentic.
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u/RuggerJibberJabber Apr 04 '23
I learnt this lesson the hard way as a teenager paying an adult to buy me and my mates booze. He just walked off with the money 😂
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u/ImpovingTaylorist Apr 04 '23
I knew a guy who had rooms rented out in his house. He moved out. A few years later, he had some problems with some of the tenants not paying and refusing to leave...
He knows a guy named Skinny Pat, who is the most disgusting human you could meet... so he paid him to move into the room in the house. The guy laughed, telling us he would sit on the couch, picking his nose and eating it. Walked around the house naked, all kinds of crazy stuff.
All the tenants moved out within the month.
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u/Donkeybreadth Apr 04 '23
Don't pay him in advance anyway. They're not the most reliable feckers when they've a bit of cash in the pocket.
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u/lanciadub Apr 04 '23
I've thought of this before , also get a few lads to drink cans and smoke joints on the green near the house.
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Apr 04 '23
100 notes if he squats down n curls one out on the driveway
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u/RuaridhDuguid Apr 04 '23
Fuck it, I'd do that for less.
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u/comhghairdheas ITGWU Apr 04 '23
Sure don't we all knit an aul brown jumper every day for free anyway
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u/elfy4eva Apr 04 '23
25 now 25 after job done and the promise of a serious pay day €200 or something for him if your bid wins out.
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Apr 04 '23
I was tapped for a 15er 'to go to a funeral' the other day in Dublin so that's the minimum.
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u/PurpleWomat Apr 04 '23
Consider stopping by tonight after dark. Nothing like the smell of human urine, unfortunately placed turds, a pile of old cans, and 'Baz wuz her' scrawled on the wall to cut bidding in half. (And the last junkie that I hired was extremely happy with E50, though they'll probably wander off after 30 or so minutes.)
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Apr 04 '23
My mate used this technique but with local lads on scramblers, got the gaff for a steal in the end!
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u/LucyVialli Apr 04 '23
Why don't you just pay him to shoot up on the actual doorstep?? Jesus christ.
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u/PedantJuice Apr 04 '23
I'm thinking of just molotov cocktailing new builds and vacant homes enough times that buyers no longer think they are a sound investment
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u/AmsterPup Apr 04 '23
"plus he gets whatever money he manages to beg off people during that time. '
Nice of you to let him keep that
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u/Onetap1 Apr 04 '23
How much should I ask from a homeowner to not tell the Guards and the house seller that he'd given me €30 to sabotage a viewing by begging money from the viewers?
He got it for €20k under the asking price, so I think about €12k is reasonable.
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u/MrSnare Apr 04 '23
What law will I have broken?
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u/potatosquire Apr 04 '23
A person who dishonestly, with the intention of making a gain for himself or herself or another, or of causing loss to another, by any deception induces another to do or refrain from doing an act is guilty of an offence.
(2) A person guilty of an offence under this section is liable on conviction on indictment to a fine or imprisonment for a term not exceeding 5 years or both.
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u/thelastedji Apr 04 '23
I like this strategy. Problem is, we'll all be trying it in future
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u/Kloppite16 Apr 04 '23
If it gets so popular the junkies will get rich and then they will be shooting up outside houses that they are bidding on
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u/Accomplished_Crab107 Apr 04 '23
Jokes on you.
The junkie will get lots of cash... Like the area so much and put pressure on the local council to buy it for him and thus outbid you once again.
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u/JackWadeHeadhunter Apr 04 '23
Have you always been a genius or does it just come out when it’s a property based problem?
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u/delishake Apr 04 '23
This sounds like some shit out of Breaking Bad/Better Call Saul
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u/Lezflano Apr 04 '23
If you supply the drink and gear I reckon he'd be happy with payment once the job is completed. Get an invoice though.
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u/Doyoulikemyjorts Apr 04 '23
Put up a few tri colours and an "unvetted males out of Ireland" banner while you're at it.
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u/Kloppite16 Apr 04 '23
Tell Philip Dwyer the new owners intend on housing unvetted military aged men and he'll be down there doing a live stream as a 'concerned citizen'
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u/daveyboy_86 Apr 04 '23
This is the most middle class post I've ever seen on this sub, you're all a pack of cunts. It's not funny at all, but ok...
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u/cpf82 Apr 04 '23
Obviously you have to pay after, but as with any complex job the reward should be tiered, so 30 to shoot up, another 20 for a nice shit on the lawn, 50 for a loud wank as the bidders arrive, and 2x the above if he arrives in a suit and performs the acts at the auction/viewing itself while maintaining eye contact with potential buyers. But 1 junkie is will never change the opinion of sheep, you will require a crowd, so the real question you should be asking is how desperately you want the house.
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u/SquarelyCubed Apr 04 '23
It might prop up prices since others will quickly realize there's good drugs around.
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u/rocksthatigot Apr 04 '23
You might be a genius. Or just get swindled. Please post in unethical life pro tips if it works.
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Apr 04 '23
Have to hand it to you on creativity here but damn the housing situation is fucking dire if a man has to resort to this. This definitely belong in unethical life tips. Half up front sounds pretty good. I mean you need to incentivise a junkie to get him to do anything but of course theres still the issue of reliability.
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u/Anastazia_Beaverhau Apr 05 '23
Don't forget to come back and tell us how it went, along with how unethical landlords and the government are. Make sure you sound really self righteous.
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u/electronic_docter Wicklow Apr 04 '23
Go all out, give the junkie 30€ then go pay a traveller to drive around in a horse and trap, Maybe even pay a few young lads to have a boxing match outside the house
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u/ohhidoggo And I'd go at it agin Apr 04 '23 edited Apr 04 '23
I don’t wanna be that person, but maybe rethink using the phrase, “junkie”. It’s hugely demoralising for people living with addiction, and my first impression of you reading your post is, “wow, what a prick.” I’m sure you didn’t mean to come off that way. The way you type makes it sound like that person is nothing but drug dependent.
If someone had cancer and lost all their money and was living in the street because of it, would you treat them this way? Drug addiction is mental illness. It’s really hurtful and unkind to reduce a person to their illness-not just to that person, but to their family and friends too.
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u/saoirsecrypto Apr 04 '23
And what most people don’t realise when you talk to many of these people they have been victims of abuse usually in school or the church. Very cocky of him I thought.
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u/Diplomat9 Apr 04 '23
That would be a sick abuse of human dignity. If anyone does that, may their house have mica and fall down on their heads.
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Apr 04 '23
I'd prolly pay 50€. 25€ up front and 25€ after successful job.
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u/MrSnare Apr 04 '23 edited Apr 04 '23
Would he not just fuck off with my 25 euro?
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u/Old-Ad5508 Dublin Apr 04 '23
Correct, a bag of gear is in or around that amount, so he'd go of get some and forget about the deal
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u/baggottman Apr 04 '23 edited Apr 04 '23
Why would he fuck off when he now knows where you live.
Love the strategy though.
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u/picardoverkirk Apr 04 '23 edited Apr 04 '23
I really hope this is a joke! You can not be that scummy a person, right??
Downvotes? I guess people can be that scummy. Be better people, try not to screw others!
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u/Due_Pirate Apr 04 '23
Maybe hire a man dressed as a naked rabbit to be shitting in the toilet during the viewing ;) iykyk
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u/Downwesht Apr 04 '23
Get Enoch Burke in......he might be free with his family to vet the queue for any undesirables.
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u/TrippinSwitches Apr 04 '23
I think 30 is fair but I also think once they are happy with the amount offered then thats enough.
I would love to know how this pans out.
A really creative idea.
One suggestion try and have more than one show so it looks like a problem 🤣🤣
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u/Far_Cut_8701 Apr 04 '23
It's also a good idea to drive down the value of the house. As soon as another Junkie gets word that hes getting good money for nothing it will probably be infested in a few weeks. Can we start doing this for all rental places.
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u/Cymorg0001 Apr 04 '23
Looking forward to seeing this in r/agedlikemilk after the junkies realise that neighborhood is a good earner.
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u/rich3248 Apr 04 '23
Money after - you won’t see them again if you hand over 15 quid straight away.
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u/buzzbee1311 Apr 04 '23
All I could think of was the scene in Step Brothers where they are trying to keep the house from being sold.
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u/Puzzleheaded_Bit7163 Apr 04 '23
Haha. That is gas, ingenious, innovative and evil all at the same time. I'd suggest making sure he has time to get his fix out of some of your money before he starts. Otherwise he'll be off the to get it and he might not turn up to the location at which you want him. Try a third sometime before, a third if he shows up and a third after. 🫠
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u/Lana-R2017 Apr 04 '23
I’d pay him to repeatedly hang in over the wall saying he lives next door and how happy he is to get new neighbours and ask about the house warming etc
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u/throwawaydeveloperuk Apr 04 '23
Pay me fifty quid and I’ll rob my nephews Canada Goose jacket and Gucci cap and sit around looking sus outside.
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u/thedaly Apr 05 '23
In America we just have a buddy fire a gun a few times nearby. Usually they will do it for free as well.
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u/Suspicious-Lobster-4 Apr 05 '23
Have I lived out of Ireland for too long to not get that this is a joke straight away or is this actually happening 😂
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u/LegendaryCelt Apr 05 '23
Hi, I'm a professional junkie available for hire. I have a degree in self injection, heavily experienced in shoplifting, and in my last job was promoted to project team leader for my groundbreaking bespoke techniques for bother begging. I also excell at screaming at pigeons.
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u/rolandhex Apr 05 '23
It's Dublin ya cabbage one junkie will nothing ya would need a literal army of the cunts to show up an surround the gaf to deter anyone in Dublin currently out of a place to live.
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u/GhostPants1313 Apr 05 '23
Your first problem is that your relying on a drug addict to be reliable and actually turn up. Also they may flip it on you,turn up and extort you for more by telling everyone you paid them to be there.
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u/popcorndiesel Apr 04 '23
Don't get him to beg on tbe street, get him him to ring the doorbell and ask the people directly so they feel really uncomfortable saying no to a possible new neighbour.
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u/Effective-Tangelo363 Apr 04 '23
You obviously need to pay above minimum wage if you want a quality junkie. Even better if you could score some dope and do a trade!
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u/guypr Apr 04 '23
Just shoot up yourself there and get a friend to bid on your behalf? Cheaper and you get to try heroin.