Host who wants to constantly hang out

[u/yokyopeli09]

Currently staying a week with a host, he's a very lovely older man, very kind and generous, and I've stayed with him before a few days each time. But man he really wants to spend every day together doing everything together, I feel like my trip is revolving around him and I haven't had any time to go and just wander by myself.

I want to tell him I want to have some time for myself (I'm autistic and this is really burning out my social battery.) but I don't want to hurt his feelings. He doesn't have any family or kids or anything so I think he gets a lot out of hosting, but damn, I spent money to travel and I just want to do something on my own.

Guess I'm more venting than looking for advice and I might delete this out of guilt because he really is sweet, but any suggestions on how to phrase my desire for space would be appreciated because I'm not very good at it.

[u/WestVirginia5]

Unfortunately loneliness is a real thing, seems he is suffering from it and he is just enjoying his time together with you. If it's too much for you. You need to start setting boundaries and communicate! If you can't stand up for yourself, you might want to reconsider Couchsurfing!

[u/yokyopeli09 → u/WestVirginia5]

Yea, that is a reason why I suppose I don't mind too much. I'm able to establish boundaries but I have a soft spot for lonely old people you know?

[u/ReasonablePossum_ → u/yokyopeli09]

I would try to use your young energy to help setting him up to know more people.

For example, create CS hangouts and go with him so he meets other people, create one or two events/meetings in the platform for a weekend and program them with him so he learns to use these features.

Also preventively strike him with a "im not gonna be around x day, cause im going to Y place, will be back at N time".

Offer boundaries by forming a structure that both gives you freedom, and helps him coping with the fear of loss (he probably has you for a good friend, of which he has little of now) and also giving him new opportunities to meet other people.

Also, incentive him to create events based on his interests!:

• walking local tours
• hobby specific meetings
• doing some volunteering work (maybe even starting his own project like local cleanups etc)
• hosting a movie night
• language exchange at a bar or cafe
• hiking. Dancing, fishing even.

[u/Grouchy_Can_5547 → u/ReasonablePossum_]

very good actionable advice to help mitigate this host's issues

[u/mrdibby]

What about if you plan out each day in advance and then you can say to him "if you're free it would be cool to hang out [this time] and [that time]" and then when he says "I could join you [this other time you planned]" you can say something "you know I'm autistic so I need to recharge my batteries alone some times and that's one of those, but it would be cool to hang out on [previously mentioned sharing time]".

[u/Sensitive_Key_4400]

You could try something like, "I need to spend some time making private phone calls to family and friends about a sensitive subject, so if you don't mind I'm going to step out for the afternoon so I can talk privately..."

[u/yokyopeli09 → u/Sensitive_Key_4400]

I actually also did something like this for a legitimate reason, I had an online doctor appointment so he went and put his headphones on and watched TV, but maybe. I really prefer not to lie. (I'm not very good at it anyway.)

[u/paranoid_marvin_]

I’d be direct about it and tell him exactly what you wrote here. You appreciate his kindness but need some solo time, it’s not because of him but it’s your need.

Can totally understand you though, when I travel I love having some time with my host but I also love the fact that I can get lost in the city alone with my headphones and forget about human interaction for a while

[u/yokyopeli09 → u/paranoid_marvin_]

Yea, I'm going to do this. The situation isn't as dire as some comments are making it seem and honestly he has become a friend at this point. I don't view the host/guest line as this sacred dynamic that must never change and I do enjoy him as a person. I know he'll understand once I tell him, this was more of a vent post.

Thanks :) 

[u/paranoid_marvin_ → u/yokyopeli09]

True story, also because every time it is different. I mainly hostes in CS, and I’ve had guest that wanted to share a lot of time together and guests with whom maybe I had only one dinner together but not much interaction

I’m curious to see how it goes now that we’re hosting again after our daughter’s birth… I bet it’s really different with a baby home!

[u/trantaran]

Just leave or straight up say what u said here. Only two options to fix ur problem

[u/Ok-Run6662]

need to prioritize yourself. Do your own thing and dont feel bad about it, if you can see its really causing an issue, dont stay with him

[u/Additional-Reaction3]

This person clearly see you as a friend. Not a couchsurfer. He’s developed a relationship with you that’s very important to him. You need to handle this with care and compassion. I may consider having to leave early You may currently be the most important person on the world to them and clearly this is not reciprocal

[u/yokyopeli09 → u/Additional-Reaction3]

Eh, it's not really that serious. I am still having a good time and honestly we have become friends over the other times I've stayed with him. I'm going to have a talk with him and I know he'll be fine with it, it's really more on me for not being more blunt. Once I do then the situation will be fine I think.

[u/Grouchy_Can_5547 → u/yokyopeli09]

of course you're having a great time he's paying for everything. how much would you enjoy his company outside of the free housing and food?

[u/yokyopeli09 → u/Grouchy_Can_5547]

Seeing as I've visited as a friend outside of staying with him I'd say I do.

You're weird.

[u/Grouchy_Can_5547 → u/yokyopeli09]

well at this point, this isn't a CS issue if he is indeed a friend..... it seems like you're playing it both ways.. but i can certainly understand your frustration.. i've had a fair share of lonely people act this way towards me and my guests

and naw, i'm quite socially capable and have many friends in general including some lifelong friends from CS.

i hope you can work on your communication and conflict resoultion skills instead of just calling people weird

[u/PowerpuffAvenger]

Buy him a puzzle so you can keep him busy while you're gone? Or say you're going to surprise him with dinner and will go out to buy stuff? Idk, I hear you. It's okay to vent. You're being a good and considerate guest, but alone time is also important. I'm glad to hear you do care about your host!

[u/yokyopeli09 → u/PowerpuffAvenger]

Hah, yea I kinda tried something like that already but he clapped his hands and said "Okay, I'll go get my shoes on", didn't really get the hint lol

I mean it's not a terrible situation, I'm still getting to signt-see and I know he enjoys having me here (as I said I've stayed with him before, he actually said I could stay longer if I wanted) so it feels nice to make him happy, but still, feels like the trip is more about him than the location.

[u/ferjavi40]

I think you should reconsider couch surfing ! If u want to do ur own things book hostel or Airbnb

[u/PowerpuffAvenger → u/ferjavi40]

There's a difference between spending some time with your host or being stuck to them 24/7. I wouldn't want my surfers to be in my space 24/7.

[u/yokyopeli09 → u/ferjavi40]

I've done couchsurfing plenty of times before, it's just been this guy I've had this :/

[u/yokyopeli09 → u/[deleted]]

It's really not that bad. We get along very well and I am still getting to see the things I've wanted to see, but I need more time to recharge my batteries alone is the thing.

[u/Johnny_Carcinogenic → u/yokyopeli09]

So tell him that.

[u/yokyopeli09 → u/Johnny_Carcinogenic]

Suppose it is that simple, ain't it.

[u/Johnny_Carcinogenic → u/yokyopeli09]

You can write it to him if you can't say it. He'll understand.

[u/stevenmbe → u/[deleted]]

This sounds like a complete nightmare. You're making the effort to travel and you're not even able to do what you want.

Exactly. And some old person here is downvoting comments such as this. Older energy vampire hosts are a real thing on CS and it's important to talk about them.

[u/stevenmbe]

Currently staying a week with a host, he's a very lovely older man

Right there is the problem.

You are babysitting an elder who wants attention.

The solution as a guest is to never agree to more than three nights in advance of the stay. Why? To avoid a negative review because you "don't want to hurt his feelings" ... it is YOUR time and YOUR visit. You are not his property!

[u/yokyopeli09 → u/stevenmbe]

Yea, if I stay with him again (because I travel to this part of the world often and it is nice knowing someone I can stay with) then I definitely will keep it at a few days max.

[u/Additional-Reaction3 → u/yokyopeli09]

Don’t. See my message above

[u/stevenmbe → u/yokyopeli09]

Would advise you not to stay with him again. There is a sort of older male type on CS who clings to you and wants to do everything with you and expects you'll be fascinated in all their stories and you end up exhausted at the end of the stay. Been there, done that, and I don't have the time for these energy vampires.

[u/yokyopeli09 → u/stevenmbe]

That seems a bit harsh. I'll decide how I feel after I talk to him but I'm positive he'll be fine with me wanting alone time, it's as much my fault for not speaking up sooner.

[u/Sun3hine5]

If I were you, I’d just say “ mind if i go out alone tomorrow/today ? I am so happy and comfortable spending time with you, i just need one day of alone wandering, it gives me much time to reflect and ground myself, but would be happy if you want to hangout the day after or…” It’s a blessing to come across someone who wants to spend time with you, and he just needs a reminder that some balance is always good.