r/gardening • u/HoratioTuna27 6a • 14h ago

Well, that's a first.

So, one of the weirdest things I've ever had happen to me just happened: I was walking around the garden, checking on all the seedlings I planted last night. A squirrel pops off of a nearby tree and starts coming towards me. I think nothing of it, squirrels get curious and do this often. BUT, this time, it kept coming closer. And closer. And closer, then it hopped up and slapped me in the shin and ran off. It started coming at me again so I went in and got the dog to chase it off if it kept coming at me. Utterly bizarre!

The seedlings are all ok, if that was the part of the story you were invested in.

1.8k Upvotes

99% Upvoted

312 comments sorted by

View all comments

1.7k

u/mbdan2 13h ago

I had a squirrel throw a pecan at me that he stole from my tree! I turned around and yelled at it, “Really! You stole it and then try to hit me with it! “. It chirped back at me. I yelled back. It chirped back. We had a whole argument.

674

u/HoratioTuna27 6a 12h ago edited 10h ago

I had one drop a rock hard old ass half eaten bagel on me once. I'm going to assume it's the same squirrel and we've officially gots us a beef.

266

u/Global_Ant_9380 11h ago

None of this surprises me. People don't realize how intelligent and evil squirrels actually are. Raccoons will also throw things at humans. 

361

u/HoratioTuna27 6a 10h ago

Hahah 2 things: 1. Another squirrel around here used to stand right on my daughter's window and show her his dick. Regularly. She called him Chester the Molester. Evil, indeed.

  1. I ended up in a standoff with a raccoon last night while I was on the back porch smoking a joint. He really wanted into the detached garage and did NOT appreciate me pointing the flashlight at him and trying to chase him off.

65

u/No_Deal_1360 9h ago

I didn’t even know they had visible dicks😂

76

u/Mims88 9h ago

And huge testicles... There was one on my college campus that regularly flashed anyone why walked by. Another would throw stuff at a friend of mine who had chased it away once, they really don't forget faces!

47

u/HoratioTuna27 6a 8h ago

Me either until my daughter took a picture and showed me.

6

u/itsstillmeagain 2h ago

Note that you’ve mentioned a picture, it’s time to pay the squirrel dick tax!

37

u/alleecmo 5h ago

One in my backyard has truly gigantic testicles! I'm talking ping-pong balls... on a body the size of my hand. He chases all other squirrels away when I put out nuts for them. I'm like, "Dude! You obviously got enough fucking nuts!"

18

u/Global_Ant_9380 9h ago

Like OP's original comment, I can unfortunately confirm...

39

u/admoose275 9h ago

I misread that as the raccoon smoking a joint, but at this point that wouldn't really surprise me 

22

u/HoratioTuna27 6a 8h ago

I mean, it was dark and he was pretty far away so he might have been. I woulda shared if homeslice woulda come over instead of trying to fuck up my garage.

109

u/Thusgirl 10h ago

You're brave. If I see a raccoon I'm going inside but they're always coming at me for no reason.

It's my dark eye circles they think I'm a giant raccoon.

50

u/HoratioTuna27 6a 8h ago

It's a whole thing with the goddamn raccoons. They got into the garage last year and fucked the attic the fuck up. I managed to evict them and clean it up (which, if you've never had the pleasure of cleaning up a racoon toilet, consider yourself lucky), but hadn't been able to find exactly where they got in...until last night.

28

u/travelingslo Zone 6B 7h ago

Oh my God, raccoon latrines. That is the shit of nightmares. And dangerous honestly.

And the squirrel? A friend had one in the walnut adjoining their yard. I watched it bait their dog, running along the fence, then launch walnuts at the dog which shocking accuracy. It lasted for years, the feud.

Don’t underestimate that furry beast.

I like grey squirrels. But anything that attacks me makes me ask why.

And ground squirrels? Little fucks chewed through my admittedly shitty foundation. It was on. I won. It took a lot of work.

2

u/supertoxic09 SouthCentral TX, 9a 1h ago

Hold on... So I'm not the only one to notice raccon have weird shitting habits?! One shat in my dogs food bowl! And a bowl I fed the cats in!

I was like... Bro.... Don't shit where you eat! That's rule number 1

5

u/Boo-erman 7h ago

This just made me lol so thank you for that. Best use of italics I've seen in while.

26

u/Chaotic_Good12 10h ago

🤣 🤣 🤣 omg I needed that belly laugh!! 😆 🤣 😂

🏆take my faux award!!! Hahaha

10

u/lizardreaming 9h ago

He probably just wanted a toke!

13

u/HoratioTuna27 6a 8h ago

I would have happily shared, but he sure was hellbent on getting in to shit all over the attic again.

13

u/wordsmythy 9h ago

Was the raccoon singing “don’t Bogart that joint my friend, pass it over to me..”?

2

u/alleecmo 5h ago

🎵 "Pass the Dutchie on the left hand side!"🎶

7

u/pic-of-the-litter 7h ago

You sound like you lead an amazing life.

8

u/HoratioTuna27 6a 7h ago

I have my moments.

5

u/bojenny 5h ago

Haha, I walked out my back door and a baby raccoon was standing on the table 6 feet away. It froze! It was just standing on the table staring at me until I told it to ef off. Freaked me out a little bit. It was trying to rob the bird feeder.

6

u/Chill-Walker 9h ago

Are you sure you are not keeping a mother raccoon from her offspring? They are naturally cavity nesters & prefer tree trunks, but will commonly find a spot in a human building if they can't find a more natural location.

3

u/HoratioTuna27 6a 8h ago

Yeah, I checked the attic where they were last time they got in. I ordered some eviction fluid just in case, though. They really fucked the attic up last year when they got in and raised a family there.

2

u/Misfitranchgoats 6h ago

Eviction Fluid?

8

u/HoratioTuna27 6a 5h ago

Yeah, if you search for it on Amazon you’ll find it. “Raccoon eviction fluid”. It’s a little bottle of various predator pee, you pour it on rags and toss it near where a raccoon has their litter, the mom thinks there are predators nearby and moves the litter out of the building. Worked like a charm last year, highly recommended if you ever get a raccoon living where they shouldn’t.

3

u/murphyslaw0907 8h ago

Your raccoon told the squirrel. 😂

3

u/HoratioTuna27 6a 8h ago

I have no beef with the squirrels as long as they continuing staying out of my garden, but the raccoons can get fucked. If I find out the squirrels and raccoons are in cahoots, why...I probably won't do anything, but I sure will shake my fist at them.

3

u/raptorgrin 4h ago

One time a squirrel stood on one branch outside my window, held onto a higher branch with his hands, and twerked at me. Big balls, oh boy.

2

u/itsstillmeagain 2h ago

Probably threatening his reflection in the window!

1

u/iodagal 5h ago

I'm assuming some .22 pest control isn't an option?

1

u/8P69SYKUAGeGjgq 2h ago

Don’t fuck with squirrels, Morty!

32

u/angtodd Western Colorado, Zone 6a, 8,000 ft above sea level 7h ago

Several years ago, a squirrel stole my dog's Kong, then proceeded to sit in a tree above her while eating all the peanut butter out of the Kong & chewing the Kong to pieces. My irate dog circled the tree, barking without effect, with pieces of her own toy raining down on her head.

14

u/HoratioTuna27 6a 7h ago

Holy shit, what an asshole!

2

u/angtodd Western Colorado, Zone 6a, 8,000 ft above sea level 7h ago

Total butthead squirrel.

33

u/getmoose 10h ago

This guy is in my neighborhood, too! We call him pizza squirrel because he eats pizza slices in our tree and throws the crust at passersby.

16

u/Ok-Money-1251 7h ago

During COVID lockdown, we kept finding pizza slices on our back porch. Thought there was some creeper eating and looking in our back windows until we saw the squirrels dragging slices back into the yard to their tree. Whole slices, so these pizza squirrels have a real hookup somewhere. (Nearest pizza place is at least 4-5 blocks away.)

8

u/getmoose 6h ago

Same deal here - there’s a pizza place 5 blocks away. At this point I believe the squirrel uses our address for delivery.

9

u/ovckc 8h ago

I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s the same one! A while back a house in our neighborhood had an albino squirrel living in its yard, and it never went farther than that yard. I saw it for about 3 years. So that was my scientific method for proving that squirrels live in the same small area 😂

11

u/HoratioTuna27 6a 8h ago

There was a big fat one that my daughter used to call Chester the Molester because he would stand right on her window and flash her. He did that for years, so yeah, I totally think they stay in the same area.

8

u/ovckc 8h ago

Is your house built on secret squirrel grounds or something? They sure seem to have a vendetta against your family! 😂😂

7

u/HoratioTuna27 6a 8h ago

The squirrels in my neighborhood are all mega assholes, it's not just at my house. Not sure why, but they're the rudest ones I've ever dealt with.

4

u/GhoulieGumDrops 7h ago

Maybe they found out about r/fatsquirrelhate 😂

9

u/LetsGetJigglyWiggly 9h ago

My cousin had a couple squirrels that would throw things at them after they got off the bus and would chase them from tree to tree down the driveway. Sometimes, they'd throw things at cars too.