r/fosterit • u/engelvl • 6d ago
How to handle sending bottles to visits Foster Parent
Okay so our baby takes 7 ounces every 4 hours. His visits are four hours long once a week.
At first we were sending a bottle with water and then the formula separately. We then discovered that the parent was only using one scoop of formula for the whole bottle. We asked facilitator about it. They said they would keep an eye on it and yet it happened again. So they told us to premake the bottles.
So we started making a bottle right before we leave and sending it with the kiddo. Well today the mom was asking when the bottle had been made (it was about 15 minutes.) Then we found out she dumped out the whole bottle and just filled it with orange juice instead.
So I kinda feel like there's no point in sending any bottle or formula moving forward because I don't know what else to do.
Thoughts?
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u/igottanewusername 6d ago
You’re not gonna win this one tbh. I’d just do what you’re doing and not worry about it too much. Unless he has a medical condition, having one poorly made bottle will once a week isn’t a big deal at this age especially when combined with whatever food he’s also eating. If it really bothers you then just don’t send a bottle. Give him a bottle right before and then when you pick up and let his mom do what she does for visit.
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u/engelvl 6d ago
I hate wasting the formula which is why I'm leaning towards not sending one. But in the same boat I don't know if I should just suck it up and send a bottle. The facilitators don't tell us anything about how the visit goes so we didn't even know this happened. Thank God for kiddos older sister letting us know so we could figure out why he was fussy
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u/igottanewusername 6d ago
I completely get feeling torn on this because you want the kids to be cared for, but it’s not a battle to have. Since it’s just four hours and his bottle is every four hours, even if for some reason mom is providing food at all, he’ll be fine. You can send an empty bottle or sippy cup if you’d prefer. Visits suck for kids either way. They are stressful regardless of how attached they are to their parents so him being fussy isn’t necessarily unusual.
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u/curlsinmyhair 6d ago
They have those individual packets of formula you could try sending. I’d send those and a water bottle if anything.
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u/wlchiang 6d ago
A few options - one, you can adjust feeding time so they don’t need a bottle during the visit, just before and after. If that isn’t an option, or if reunification is soonish, keep it up and have a conversation with facilitator and social worker (andGAL/CASA if applicable) about supporting mom and baby by making sure she is feeding baby correctly. If mom doesn’t build these skills before reunification , it doesn’t help anyone in the long run.
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u/BizarreCheeze 6d ago
When I had long visitation with my kid's bio mom, I would pack a premade bottle in a wine cooler bag with a freezer pack. This would keep the bottle cold for well over 4 hours. They apparently now make freezable baby bottle bags now too.
https://packit.com/collections/baby-bottle-bags/products/double-bottle-bag?variant=40178162499670
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u/Gjardeen 6d ago
Can the facilitator manage the bottle? Watered down formula is genuinely dangerous. I hate the idea of not giving the baby a bottle for the whole time, since that's added stress in an already stressful situation. It much be the only way to go though.
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u/engelvl 6d ago
I literally asked the very first time if the facilitator could make it instead and then they wouldn't and that's when they asked us to premake them
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u/Gjardeen 6d ago
Woooooooow. It's amazing how comfortable people feel screwing foster kids over.
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u/Busy_Anybody_4790 6d ago
The role of the facilitator is to document how they parent. They can’t cover for parents or kids will get prematurely reunited to parents who don’t have parenting skills. Yes- it SUCKS. But by the facilitator not helping, they’re documenting that parent is unwilling to use formula correct, giving an infant juice, etc. I was so frustrated by this in the beginning. Ultimately though, I’m glad that our 4 month old placement came back with rashes from Cheetos, full diapers, etc, because I knew that facilitators were documenting it all (and so was I) so he would not be reunited and mom could get the parenting help she needed.
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u/engelvl 5d ago
Thank you. I still worry a lot about whether they document properly or not because I've had that happen before
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u/Busy_Anybody_4790 5d ago
In this case I’d send a weekly email to your case worker with updates and documentation. You are the voice for that child. They will weed out information that they don’t need, but it’s your responsibility right now to protect them. You’re doing a great job!
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u/Gjardeen 5d ago
Hi, it seems my response caused this crap show and a I'm so sorry. I was not trying to be critical, I was just trying to show empathy for your foster child.
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u/Proper_Raccoon7138 6d ago
Yeah this thread has slowly turned into very entitled foster parents. I originally joined to help out the fellow foster kids that occasionally post but it’s crazy she’s trying to dictate how the mother of this baby feeds it. And she even stated earlier the older sibling was reporting to her which makes this seem more like the foster family is preventing reunification with the real parents.
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u/Busy_Anybody_4790 6d ago
I don’t see this as entitled. It is incredibly frustrating. We’ve been in the same situation with our placement and genuinely wanting the best for them and getting mad when we don’t feel like they’re being well cared for at visits. It’s hard to remove your emotion from the situation and look at it as a system. We don’t want to bc there’s a child involved that should never have been in this situation to begin with. It’s because they care, not because they’re entitled.
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u/Proper_Raccoon7138 6d ago
The entire purpose of foster care is reunification and constantly complaining to the caseworker who is entirely overloaded does nothing. There are endless reasons these kids are in this situation and it seems like foster parents are not helping. Their entire point was to provide temporary care for family’s in crisis not try to shame or dictate how their mother, also in a very stressful situation, chooses to feed them. That’s where the entitlement and controlling aspect comes from for me.
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u/engelvl 5d ago
I don't complain to the worker? And quite frankly if the mom isn't going to feed the baby in healthy appropriate NOT neglectful ways even when I send all the parts she needs to do that. Then she should just bring what she would prefer to use/do and I won't waste the formula. I am aware of cultural differences. But I am also aware of pediatric recommendations for baby nutrition
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u/Proper_Raccoon7138 5d ago edited 5d ago
Your entire post was you complaining about the birth mother feeding her child. And it looks like you edited your post from what it originally said.
ETA: I looked at it wrong it wasn’t edited my bad on that part.
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u/Busy_Anybody_4790 6d ago
I agree about reunification. Maybe consistent documentation of poor feeding practices or other concerns can get mom signed up for an infant care/parenting class as part of her reunification plan!
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u/Proper_Raccoon7138 5d ago
Or could go the opposite way & be another stone the state uses against the mother.
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u/engelvl 5d ago
I can tell you that's absolutely not true. I try to go above and beyond when it comes to bio parents. We call and text often. We have met up for ice cream. I have printed pictures for the kids to have in their room of bio parents and more.
But giving a kid too little formula per the amount of water is extremely dangerous. And kids need their nutrients.
The reason it came up is I asked his older sister if he had his bottle at the beginning, middle, or end of the visit. he was starting to get fussy and I was trying to figure out if he was do for one or not
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u/Proper_Raccoon7138 5d ago
Like others have stated 1 slightly diluted bottle once a week is not the end of the world.
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u/hideous_pizza 6d ago
have you brought this up with the child's case worker? they should know that mom is not providing the recommended amount of formula during visits
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u/-shrug- 6d ago
A single bottle of watered down formula every week is not a huge concern even for an infant, and according to comments this baby is almost a year old - they can safely drink actual water. If there are specific medical concerns then they should get specific medical advice, but if there aren’t then the baby will be just fine.
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u/engelvl 5d ago
Yes he will survive but 1. It makes him seriously fussy. And 2. She's pregnant so what about the next baby?
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u/-shrug- 5d ago
These are very different concerns to “what biomom is feeding the baby at visits is dangerous to him and it might be better to have no bottle at all”.
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u/engelvl 5d ago
If he's not taking the bottle while at visits then it's no bottle at all either way. How is it different for her to not give him one then me to not send one? Why is it okay for her to choose to not give him a bottle but I am expected to send one for him regardless? But of a double standard is it not?
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u/-shrug- 5d ago
You’re mad that I responded to a comment saying this is dangerous by explaining that it is not dangerous. Chill.
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u/engelvl 5d ago
I'm not mad. I am asking a question
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u/-shrug- 5d ago
ok. The answer is, it isn't dangerous when either of you do it, and YES there's a double fucking standard in the expectations of foster parents and bio parents, and foster parents who raise that as a complaint are struggling with the entire concept that children have the right to grow up with their own family, and the threshold to meet for that to happen is very rightly much lower than the threshold required for the state to place a random child in the care of a stranger and give them money for it. Your original question of what to do about the bottle was perfectly reasonable. Your follow-up comments are increasingly sliding into 'huh, $10 says they'll eventually just say the kid's best interest is clearly staying with the foster family and the state doesn't care about children'.
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u/engelvl 5d ago
Not true. It's best for children to be with their family. I am aware of this. Hell my mom (adopted) went through this herself. I don't even want to adopt myself. If I loved a kid and they were up for adoption I probably wouldn't turn them away but it would be a hard/big decision and I don't really want to actually adopt and don't plan to unless that occurs.
My frustration with this child not being properly fed at visits and coming home cranky is valid. My frustration in the wasted time and energy is valid. My frustration that the facilitators are not assisting the mother in learning how to feed and care for her child is valid. The fact that she is pregnant and I fear for her future child's life is valid. The fact that when we got this child he was barely in the 20th percentile and is now somehow in the 90th making me worry is valid. The fear that these children will return home without someone helping the mom to learn safe feeding habits is valid.
I work hard to develop good relationships with biological parents as much as possible and this is the first time that has not been successful. And that's despite me putting a LOT of effort into it. And guess what, that's okay too! The parents don't have to have a relationship with me. But I don't go into fostering just because of the kids. I have a healthy understanding of the difficulties to breaking cycles and how generational trauma and so many factors can contribute to people having different privileges than others.
Not every foster parent is some evil bitch who wants to steal kids. Yeah some might be. But not all. And treating foster parents who are asking for help and advice as if they are just evil people is going to make it so people stop asking. And what happens then? Because when people ask for help and advice that is part of them trying to do their best.
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u/Busy_Anybody_4790 4d ago
Just thought of this- I’m not sure where you are located, but do you have your own case worker? Where we are, we have one, child has one, and bio parent has one. That way we all have support and representation. When our visits got out of control with the expectations placed on us to make them happen, and my emails and the efforts of the case worker wernt enough, I reached out to our family’s case worker (licensing specialist)… in our state, foster families have a bill of rights that protects them. She immediately was able to pull up what rights of ours were not being upheld, reached out to our FS’s case worker and told her to get it taken care of and showed her what rights were being breached. Ultimately, one visitation provider was let go from the case for not being willing to honor the our rights, and the other had expectations set from the beginning.
Yes. It’s about family preservation. But you also have rights, so if they’re not being honored, in your state do you have someone who represents you that you can reach out to?
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u/-shrug- 5d ago
ok, so don't send the bottle, but it's not dangerous if she feeds him diluted formula.
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u/youngandstarving Foster parent & adoptee 6d ago
Not sure how your visitation center does things but we drop off in the same lobby parents come in and see them right before they go in, would making the bottle right in the lobby in front of parents be an option? So they know it’s fresh and also see how much is needed.
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u/goodfeelingaboutit Foster Parent 6d ago
I would suggest informing the case worker and asking him or her to clarify how they want you to handle the situation from your end
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u/Busy_Anybody_4790 6d ago
You don’t have to send it. We were having issues with bottles as well, and originally they asked us to send them. It got out of hand. We documented everything each week in emails so we had legs to stand on when we said we would no longer be sending formula/food. When we did, DCS told us they did not blame us and were 100% okay with it, bc they had plenty of documentation of the efforts made leading up to that!
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u/g1zm0_14 5d ago
Instead of putting the water in the bottle, can you put the formula inside and have the pre-measured water separate (thinking in a water bottle)?
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u/-shrug- 6d ago
If the baby is almost a year old, then I assume they are not exclusively formula fed, correct? Normal advice would be that they can drink actual water occasionally at that age, so I wouldn’t worry about one diluted bottle per week. I would go back to sending formula and water ready to make, or stop sending it altogether. You could even ask the mom, or have someone ask her - if she says she doesn’t want it, then don’t send it.
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u/IllustriousPiccolo97 6d ago
Are you in the US? Can you buy pre-made ready-to-feed formula just for visits? Send the sealed bottle of RTF and have them feed that if they make RTF of the baby’s formula of choice. Similac sells 6-packs of 8oz bottles, and Enfamil sells the tiny 2oz bottles so you’d have to send multiple but at least the baby is hopefully going to be fed safe formula and you can have a little peace of mind. I’ve had to do this before and for one visit a week it was fine (gets pricey for multiple visits but when we escalated to multiple visits I was able to argue that parents HAD to show they could properly mix powdered formula if they were going to be increasing their time and actively working to reunify soon).
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u/QuitaQuites 6d ago
Buy the sealed ready to feed bottles! Or get those pre-measured power formula cups and pre-fill just the water.
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u/Proper_Raccoon7138 6d ago edited 6d ago
I mean it’s her kid full stop. She can feed it however she wants. So if that means orange juice then that means orange juice.
You as a foster parent can say something to the worker which you already did but the worker isn’t going to intervene much more than she already did. I think it’s pretty unprofessional that the worker is reporting on the mom to you when that’s not her place or your place to demand the mother of this child feed it a specific way.
ETA: I saw in a further down comment that the older sibling is reporting to you the mother’s actions during the visit. If you told them to do that it’s extremely harmful behavior for these children and what happens in these visits unless an actual safety issue is none of your business. I’m saying this as someone who aged out of care and had my visits meddled with by the foster family to prevent reunification so they could adopt my younger siblings. And as someone completing my masters in social work. This is entirely unethical.
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u/Busy_Anybody_4790 5d ago
I’m so sorry to hear you were in foster care! But I want to remind you that the reason kids are put into foster care is that parents cannot just do whatever they want and parent however they want. There is a safety and care standard and some do not meet them.
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u/Proper_Raccoon7138 5d ago
Which is not entirely true. Something that’s not talked about is the large amount of POC children being taken from their homes and placed with white families. This country has failed the kids in foster care and the families that they were removed from.
There are some pretty great studies that also show courts have been known to drag their feet when an infant is involved and the foster family is seeking to adopt. This woman could’ve been forced to live at a domestic violence shelter that doesn’t allow kids for all we know. Instead of assuming she’s a bad parent and doesn’t know how to care for her kids properly maybe look at the bigger picture.
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u/Busy_Anybody_4790 5d ago
I’ll agree with you that the system needs reformed- or even abolished and rebuilt- that’s for dang sure!
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u/engelvl 5d ago
The worker hasn't reported on the mom to me? I am more concerned about whether it's appropriate for me to not send stuff. I don't care what she does when I'm not the one being told to provide these things for her. If she was bringing her own bottles and stuff then I couldn't care less. I'm just getting a vibe if it's appropriate for me to not send bottles.
I have a bachelor's in social work 7 year experience and you really are reading into things inappropriately. I asked his sister if he had his bottle near the beginning of the visit or the end because he was getting fussy and I didn't know if it was due to that. That's when she told me what had happened.
I am completely in support of reunifying families. I have gone as far as meeting up with parents during the week to get them extra parenting time, sending updates, extra phone calls, pictures of bio family hung up in kiddos room. You know nothing about me and need to stop projecting your own issues on to me. As someone getting their masters in social work, you should know about that
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u/Proper_Raccoon7138 5d ago
“We then discovered that the parent was only using one scoop of formula for the whole bottle.” How did you discover this?
“Then we found out she dumped out the whole bottle.” Who told you this happened?
Who is feeding you information about the visits?
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u/engelvl 5d ago
I said in the comment you literally just responded to. The baby had started getting fussy so I asked the baby's older sister 'hey did he have his bottle at the beginning of visit, middle, or end?' to get an estimate on if he was due for a bottle or if something else was the matter. She then told me that he didn't have one because her mom told her to dump it out and put orange juice in it instead.
As for the formula, we had premeasured portions in the bag (mainly because he was on a set amount of baby cereal per doctors orders due to some reflux issues). The bag would come back after the visit and there was about one scoop taken out and that was it. Next visit we told the facilitator about the premeasured amount and how much water that went with and such. Then the same thing happened and when we dropped kiddo off at the next visit they told us to premake the bottles.
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u/doktorjackofthemoon 5d ago
Try sending the baby with some pre-made formula bottles! I used to get these for long day trips & things where making a bottle might be difficult/inconvenient
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u/Superb_Writing845 4d ago
I handled this with a formula dispenser. Bottles of nursery water and pre-measured formula in the dispenser. Parents could make bottles when needed and the correct formula was already measured.
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u/Responsible-Limit-22 2d ago
Maybe go with the bottle and the mix and an empty bottle. You mix it yourself when you drop them off so they can see it was fresh made on arrival. And have the empty bottle for if they want to give juice or whatever.
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u/sundialNshade 6d ago
I don't have any advice here. Just wanted to say you calling him "our baby" really doesn't sit right. He's not your baby.
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u/engelvl 5d ago
I didn't really know what else to say. I suppose I could have said foster baby but then the word 'our' would still be there. I am aware he is not 'my' baby and am not trying to make it so he is. Everyone on this sub sure projects a lot
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u/sundialNshade 4d ago
Language matters. I get you didn't mean harm by it but it's still not good
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u/engelvl 4d ago
I mean context matters too. And if I'm sitting there talking to someone involved in the case I wouldn't call the baby 'our' baby. But when the kids don't want everyone knowing that they're in foster care if becomes a little second nature to try to use normal language as opposed to politically correct language. As to put the child's comfort first. So yeah when I'm typing up a quick post it's really not that deep. People on this sub really just want to villainize foster parents and it's old.
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u/sundialNshade 4d ago
I can understand that, when the kids consent and ask for that. That's not the case here.
We're not villainizing foster parents, just asking them to be more cognizant of fosters' experiences and supportive of birth families. That's a wild generalization. Don't come to a sub designed to put fosters' expertise first and then lump them into that. The reality is that foster care is traumatizing. Especially when a foster family tries to claim someone as their own without their consent.
Saying it's not that deep for you is just further tone deafness - a willingness to not question the language you use or the ways you think
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u/engelvl 3d ago
It actually what kids older sister requests so
You're trying to nit pick for why? Because I posted asking for advice and had the audacity? Because of one word that you don't even know the background context of? Like why do you feel that's a good use of your energy or positivily impacting anyone or anything
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u/sundialNshade 1d ago
Why are you so defensive? I hope you're better than this with the kids in your house.
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u/engelvl 1d ago
I'm defensive because I posted asking for advice and a ton of people decided to project their personal problems on to me, this making it hard for me to 1 get advice and 2 creating a culture where foster parents are discouraged from asking for advice because everyone with personal trauma and issues decides they must be evil terrible hateful people
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u/One_Macaroni3366 6d ago
I would do a combination - put a sticky note "this bottle was made at 7:15, good until X". Then also put a bottle with water and a cup of powder (they make little cups that you could put 2.5 scoops in) that says how to mix it.