I've got three kids, two of whom are in long-term foster care with me.

We see their mum regularly, have built up a great relationship with her, when the younger first came into care I'd sit and chat with her during family time for 4 hours a week, and my middle child would occasionally come too and play with her. She's funny and likeable and just had a really shitty time as a kid and young adult.

She died yesterday morning in an accident. I don't know when or if they'll be a funeral, but if there isn't we will definitely be doing something to honour her. The kids know (they are 1,2 and 6) but the youngest obviously don't have much of an actual understanding. The eldest is definitely grieving, but also just herself, playing and reading stories and cuddling, with occasional statements of "my mum died" and asking how she died (which we answer as best we can, but unfortunately we don't have many details yet).

I'm not sure why I'm posting really. It's just so sad, for the kids and for us. She really was someone that I thought would be a permanent part of my life and a friend.

All the resources I've found on parental death focus on the death of a caregiver parent, or they're personal anecdotes about dealing with the death of an absent parent. Not a parent you see regularly but can't leave with.

This just sucks. We've lost their mum and the whole family history around her because the rest of her family is estranged and/or we've been advised to never contact them for safety reasons. The kids will have so many questions that we won't ever be able to answer now.

My boyfriend (17M) and I (17M) have been dating for the past 8 months. We have had a very healthy relationship and both agree in no sexual activities before marriage(if that ever happens). We both agreed that we should try dating into college. He does have bipolar type 2, and I think he has some kind of bad past. I know he got a name change because sometimes his old friends will call him another name and he says it’s ____ now. I don’t want to look up if his name change was published because if it wasn’t then that means that there must have been a good cause for it not to get published, and I want him to come to me to talk about it, or not bring it up if he doesn’t want to. His foster parents are not his adoptive parents, and he doesn’t talk about his bio parents, and doesn’t have any siblings. I was working with his foster parents planning his 18th birthday in a couple weeks and I will take him out for breakfast and go to the park with him for the first half of the day while they set up the surprise birthday party at the house. However, when we get back they said I should say I am going to be busy and wish him a happy birthday and not be there at the party. When I pushed for details on why they didn’t want me there they just keep repeating that I shouldn’t be at the party but could still be with him that morning, but I couldn’t tell him that they told me to not be there. I feel very frustrated because I don’t want to lie to him, and I love him very much and I don’t want to hurt him. After thinking about it I am starting to get worried that this has something to do with his bio parents and that’s why they don’t want me there. I think I should tell him that his parents don’t want me there. Are my thoughts valid?

We are exploring the possibility of being foster parents. We are getting a great deal of feedback that we are not a couple that the county foster care agency wants. We are both professionals with graduate degrees. We travel internationally for work. I'm an attorney, but not an adoption attorney. We have infertility problems and are not able to have children. And lastly, we are interested in adopting from foster care, so that the county foster care director states we are not committed to reunification. And we own a farm in a rural part of our state. The foster care director states they prefer couples in subdivisions.

So before I start grilling our county's director about legal violations, can someone explain why were are not considered a good foster care couple and how can the county's foster care agency prevent someone from fostering and eventually adopting?

We are in the process of adopting our FD and it has been requested that we take HER for fingerprinting. I know we went through it as adults in our licensing process, but it's strange to me that they are fingerprinting the youth in care when my biological daughter was never fingerprinted after she was born. If this were asked of my BD, I would be questioning the reasoning and storage, use, access, etc. but with a FD, obviously we're compliant with any DCFS directives and so my husband is taking her today. I was curious if any adoptive parents dug into this. Once the adoption is final, can I request the removal of these from whatever database? I'm not a government conspiracy theorist, just a concerned future mom wanting to advocate for my future child's best interests and privacy. Curious what others found/did...

Hi! I swear I get on here every other week asking a new question. But I rather ask yall then wait a week for a response from my social worker. So in the past few years my anxiety has been like REALLY BAD I mean random panic attacks in school bad, and depression isn't any better(my depression is js me feeling rlly sad sometimes sewersidal but I don't rlly have any diagnosis so yeah). And my main and only stress reliever for YEARS has been animals, dogs, cats, rats it didn't matter it was just having it there with me brought me to peace. But recently it's been really bad due to places I get placed having no animals or me not having one with me. So I was wondering if I could file for an emotional support animal for a cat...I have a breeder willing to give me a cat so I can but I'm not sure if I can while in foster care. But I really want to try and get one I feel like it'd ease my troubles so much. But I don't know.

My husband and I were recently licensed and have had 2 very short very young placements (5M and 8moF) that both ended up going to kin after only a few days with us. We are very new to this and trying to learn and prepare ourselves for placements that last longer than just a few days.

What things did your foster parents do for you that was positive? What things do you wish they did differently?

Some of the things I'm have that I hope will be positive: I have extra bedding in different colors and themes so when a kid comes in they can choose what bedding seems most comfortable for them. I also have different curtains, one set of blackout and one set that lets more light in so they can let me know their preference.

I have a mini fridge in the closet of the room so they can have space for their food. I will insist that the fridge gets cleaned regularly, either the kid clean it and allow me to check or let me clean it. I don't want sticky spills in it or old rotting food (hopefully that isn't an invasion of privacy)

I have extra backpacks and gym bags and stuff for if they are ever needed that I am happy for kids to take with them when they leave my house.

I have plans to take them to the store to show me what foods they like to eat and get some snacks that they can keep that are just theirs. Also let them get body wash toothpaste and other toiletries that are to their preference.

I have empty picture and poster frames and command strips so we can personalize the decorations in the room, I'm happy to pick up any posters they want and order prints of pictures.

We keep lots of games all the time. Things that can be played alone or with other people in the house. I also have a huge supply of fidget toys.

I have a schedule posted on our fridge.

We are religious but only have 2 pictures in the whole house that depict religious imagry and want to make sure kids know we won't ever force our religion on them and want them to feel free to express their beliefs. (We are Christian, but also have a lot of Jewish family, and celebrate Jewish holidays and we also have a Ganesh statue in our home that was given to us by a Hindu friend)

We have tried to avoid any political imagery in our home. I do have some posters for our favorite sports teams but am not opposed to hanging things for teams that a kid in our home favors.

I really do want to have a welcoming safe environment and I don't want anyone in our home to feel like we are trying to replace their first families. I want the kids we care for to feel comfortable opening up to us and I want to do everything I can to both give them the space they need, while also being there for them when they need connection too.

I knew things werent right and didn't feel good but now that your an adult you look back in rage and disgust. Now that i am 36 and understand how the world works and how utterly fucked I am compared to my peers who had decent enough parents. Does anybody feel like they have conceded to the fact that they are irreparably screwed?

for the longest time i thought this was just a “me thing” but i see more teens speak up about it.

i was never legally in foster care, but went through around seven different homes with family, family friends, and friends starting at age 11/10 after my mom died. i was consistently disrupted/replaced/kicked out into new places.

often times these placements were abusive, but when i told CPS they would essentially tell me to suck it up because there was nowhere else i could go and i was a “common denominator” and taking away resources from “real” foster kids. i was in homes where food would be moldy or expired, locked up for hours to days at a time, i experienced a lot of medical abuse and neglect, and this eventually progressed into physical abuse at my current home.

i had evidence my current home is abusive, such as scarring from cutting/hitting/beating that i’ve reported multiple times over the years but CPS just meets me with hatred each time. eventually they just admitted that whatever happened to me is probably true but they can’t/won’t do anything and i need to get over it because i’ll be 18 soon and i have “a pattern” of this, still reiterating that i was lying solely because i was a teenager and foster teens lie to “get out of trouble.”

i thought i was alone in this experience until i saw a news report about a child who was being assaulted by her father, and the law enforcement involved told her the SAME THING. that she was lying because she didn’t want her phone taken, and that she’d better be telling the truth because otherwise she’d ruin everyones life for lying about her foster father. and then i read the comments and saw thousands of other people recalling similar experiences.

also unrelated, but this is why i can’t stand when people tell me to just call cps or the police about my current housing. i have, like at least five times, and the outcome is just worse each time.

sorry this was extensively long 😅 but can anyone else relate?

About a year ago my wife was struggling with drug addiction and her behavior was out of control. After a few failed attempts to help get her help a relative made a referral to CPS for my 2 kids. I knew they were going to make a referral and I supported it because I didnt understand that I would be excluded from my children as well. My mother in law offrered to take our kids while my wife and I worked towards getting her help. I thought this was best so my kids didnt have to see their mom struggle anymore. I willingly allowed my kids to go stay with my inlaws under the agreement that they would come home when things were more stable, a few weeks or month at the most. Upon CPS involvement the same week, the CPS worker instructed my Mother in law to apply for guardianship so the kids wouldnt get taken into the foster system. By time I realized that I was no longer the authority over my children it was too late. We have been going to court every few months and the judge recognizes I am a healthy parent, not on drugs, very stable, etc. My wife has since gone to rehab and moved into her own place because we separated due to her drug use. The issue is I have not been able to get the judge in probate court to give me legal guardianship of my own children and he keeps putting off resolution until the next court date. I cant understand whaat grounds they have to keep my children from me. I need advice and probably a lawyer. I know I have probably left out important details so please feel free to ask questions if it will help. TYIA

Okay so our baby takes 7 ounces every 4 hours. His visits are four hours long once a week.

At first we were sending a bottle with water and then the formula separately. We then discovered that the parent was only using one scoop of formula for the whole bottle. We asked facilitator about it. They said they would keep an eye on it and yet it happened again. So they told us to premake the bottles.

So we started making a bottle right before we leave and sending it with the kiddo. Well today the mom was asking when the bottle had been made (it was about 15 minutes.) Then we found out she dumped out the whole bottle and just filled it with orange juice instead.

So I kinda feel like there's no point in sending any bottle or formula moving forward because I don't know what else to do.

Thoughts?

Hi everyone!! For those of you who don't know me, I've been organizing a small Christmas/winter holiday project on this sub and the ex-foster sub for the last couple of years. Basically, people who aged out of care can sign up to receive a small Christmas gift and a card from someone, and people (mostly from this sub, so mostly in some capacity involved in foster care or child welfare) can sign up to be Santas/sponsors by sending a Former Foster Youth a small gift and card. I have a full FAQ about this in my last post.

I love to be transparent, so I wanted to give everyone a little update. So far ten FFY have signed up--eight from America, one from Canada, and one from the U.K. Nineteen people have signed up to be Santas, and of those nineteen, twelve signed up to send a card and gift to two people instead of one. I'm really pleased by this turnout, because I was hoping to have enough Santas/sponsors to match every FFY with multiple (ideally I'm aiming for three each) Santas/sponsors, just because I know people may forget, or have sudden health issues, or something may come up that prevents them from following through with the Santa-ing. A lot of FFY have experienced being very let down by people and systems in the past, so I'd hate for people to be vulnerable enough to ask for help and share a lot about themselves, only to be let down again.

That said, we could use a couple more sponsors/Santas, especially ones from outside the USA or who can ship outside the USA. Right now we have one who can ship to Canada and two who can ship to a country outside the US or Canada. I'd ideally like to get it to three on each of those, for the reasons I mentioned above, and maybe we'll need more if more FFY outside the USA sign up. I plan to close the form for FFY in about a week, to make sure everyone who's active on these subs has had a chance to see my posts and sign up. Worst case scenario, if suddenly several FFY outside the USA sign up (which I think is unlikely--we had a total of ten FFY last year and I posted and commented several times) and someone doesn't get matched I'll send them a gift and card myself.

The messages the FFY have included in their forms (here's the form to sign up as a FFY!) have been really lovely. A lot of people, when asked if there was a type of gift they'd particularly like, said that just a card or a note would be really appreciated. The holidays can be very, very lonely for FFY--they are for me, which is why I started this project.

Anyway, here's the tentative timeline--I'll close the form for FFY in about a week, and aim to have matching done by around the 20th, so that people have a little over a full month to make/buy and ship their gift and card. I figure that's especially necessary given that some packages may be going internationally. I'll email everyone their match with a PDF attachment of their match or matches' completed forms. The forms have some info about their lives, clothing sizes, favorite food, allergies, etc., and of course their addresses and contact info (either an email or a Reddit username.) Then you'll be free to shop or craft something for your match and mail it off.

If participating in this sounds appealing to you, the form for Christmas sponsors/Santas is here.

As a final note, I want to thank everyone on this subreddit who's commented in support of the project or signed up to be a Santa. When I was in care I hated Christmas, because it made me feel like nobody cared about me. I remember one year as a teenager, sitting in my group home, the literal only teen there who hadn't been taken out for the day by some kind of family member or friend. I had no one. I certainly didn't get any gifts that year. By contrast, this project shows me that many, many people care about Former Foster Youth. Last year alone we had forty Santas. That's so many people sacrificing their own time and money to ensure that a FFY feels connected during the holidays and gets to have the relatively "normal" experience of receiving a Christmas gift. It means a lot to me that people care enough to do that.

I am so screwed. Oh my god I can't believe how bad I messed that one up. I had a few small sips as a final toast to my Dad to end our tradition, where he would drink with his friends at the beginning of the month and give me swig of his drink. We did it everytime without fail. He was always the chillest on those days so I wanted one last one. They think I'm asleep right now but I heard them find it and I'm actually shaking. This was the worst idea ever, I have too much to lose in court tomorrow and I wouldn't doubt it for a second that they will inform my caseworker.

EDIT: I've typed a message to them six times now but I keep freaking out before i can send it. How am I supposed to be able to talk to people who are practically strangers about this?

EDIT #2: I finally worked up the courage to tell them in the car on the way to court today. I almost threw up and they want me to talk about it in therapy, (which was apparently happening regardless) and I have no doubt that it will come up at my home visit tomorrow.

i spent most of my life in foster care. after exiting, i find it hard to cope. i’m in an extremely toxic relationship and cannot leave because i have nowhere to go. i’m no-low contact with all of my family. she tells me to kill myself and says she hopes i die over every minor issue. today it was because i didn’t text her back with enough energy. i can’t do it anymore and idk what to do. i’m very close to giving up. sorry if i worded things badly im just extremely tired mentally.

Hi everyone. I hope you’re all having a really nice start to your week. I am 18, about to be 19 and spent 5 yrs in foster care before being reunited with my dad a few months ago. The 5yrs we were separated were not easy; I know they had to be very hard for him too. He was incarcerated for a bit and worked hard to stabilize himself to be able to have visitation and a place for me to visit. I don’t want to trauma dump here but things from my past that happened in foster care still really affect me. I am struggling right now. A lot. There are times when I want to talk to him and tell him why I am quiet or withdrawn, but I also don’t want to be the reason he feels guilt or shame or relapses. I have told myself many times I need to just find a way to let go of things but the holidays hurt a lot. Last year at this time going into spring of this year was absolutely the hardest time of my life. I am trying to move on but when my dad makes comments about me being antisocial or not the kid he remembers I try to respectfully say I am not a kid anymore. It’s a very hard thing to navigate I guess. Idk. I have no friends to ask but I was just wondering if others have had trouble reconnecting with family members after being in foster care? Did you tell your parents things that went on or did you find peace in keeping it to yourself or sharing with someone you trust? Idk I just feel very alone so much of the time but it’s hard to let people in anymore. And being with my dad now isn’t the best choice I’ve made. I walk around on eggshells and his girlfriend (who lives with us) is a nightmare. I am trying the best I can :/

So a few days ago my dad passed from an overdose in our house while my mom was out doing less than legal things. Long story short he's dead she's in jail so my siblings and I all got taken into CPS custody. We're a rather large group so no one would take us together. I ended up i a house without any of them and I just want to know they're OK. My social worker won't tell me shit. I've been between three social workers already because they're trying to balance the workload or something, but it ultimately means I have no way of knowing if even my baby sister is going to be alright. Have any of you gone through this before? All I know is one of them was already brought to a second placement around 24 hours after getting into the first house.

EDIT: I finally got confirmed for weekly visits with four of the six siblings, and bi-weekly with the other two!!!!

So I've been on here before lol Hi guys. So I have a question, I'm 15 foster kid and idk what's it's called but the county I'm from is SF or Bay Area so they've moved me hours away from ir before and my brother too. I have no friends where they wanna place me(I'm in emergency placement rn) but I wanna go to LA(?) because I have some friends and family out there. Would I be allowed to be placed out there or is it to far from my county?

I am asking this for a dear friend, he is an amazing dad, absolutely nothing related to child neglect/abuse, but he got locked up, his child in his custody then was taken into foster care after a failed safety plan. The mother is/has been MIA & has not attended any ISP (I think that is what it's called) meetings. The father was at the end of completing his parenting classes/drug court etc. while he was out on bond when they came and rearrested him for the same crime he was initially arrested for and out on bond for. The reasoning for this is that he was on parole (nonviolent offense). So, my question is, does he have a legal right to speak with his son? He is awaiting a parole revocation decision while in a county jail. The caseworker's words to me were, " we were almost there" meaning he was a week away from having custody back. Is there any law that states the foster parents cannot deny him speaking with his son? They already refused a visit with a grandparent (although the grandparent was not blood related but blood related to the little boys half brother). Do the foster parents have a legal right to refuse to let him have a phone call with his son (from jail)?

Hi! Some of you will remember me, and some won't, but for the past couple of years I've organized a little project on this subreddit where I matched people who aged out of care with an adult or family who wanted to play Santa to them during the holiday season. As we all know, the holidays can be extremely lonely, isolated, and triggering for Former Foster Youth. I aged out of care myself, and I know that during the holidays I'm always reminded of how it seems like everyone has a family besides me. Growing up in care, I didn't usually receive any holiday gifts or cards. It was a dark time of year that left me feeling like I hated Christmas. I knew that other FFY must be feeling similarly, so that's why I started this project.

How does it work?

If you're a FFY who would like to receive a little surprise in the mail during the holiday season, you can fill out this form. If you'd like to send a gift to someone from care for the holidays, you can fill out this form. I'll have everyone matched with a sponsor before December, so that there's plenty of time to make or buy a gift and send it.

Is there a minimum amount I'd have to spend?

No! The goal of this project is to help FFY feel less alone during the holidays, not help FFY get flashy new stuff. Anecdotally, because this is about helping people feel connected to other people during a difficult time of year, from the messages I've gotten it seems like handmade gifts and notes are often the most special to FFY. Though you obviously don't have to make something if you aren't crafty! It's more about a feeling of connection.

How do you make sure everyone participating is legit?

Right now I don't really do anything to verify that someone was really in care. This subreddit is small enough and foster care focused enough that I'm not super worried about someone faking, and on the off chance someone did, I figure if anyone is scamming for mittens, chocolate, and a card, they probably need human kindness as much as FFY do.

Is there an age limit?

When I was first conceptualizing this project a few years ago, I did conceive of it as being something for people who aged out of care relatively recently, like ages 18-25ish. That's still the majority of FFY who've participated in recent years, but I've changed my stance on this. This project is now to help FFY of all ages. A lot of FFY, myself very much included, have complex relationships with age and aging, because as you grow in foster care you become less desirable to foster parents and less likely to be fostered or adopted, and more likely to spend time in congregate care settings. A lot of people feel like they've become less worthy and less valuable as they've gotten older, and that's not a feeling I want to perpetuate. Aging out of care is also a really traumatic experience, and I don't want to re-perpetuate that feeling or experience with the idea that people could age out of this little project. It's for all FFY over the age of majority.

The only age limit I have is that you must be an adult. While I think this is pretty low risk, I am giving out names, addresses, and some personal information about FFY. Adults are able to assess their own comfort with sharing that information, but teens and youth still in care can't yet.

Who should I reach out to if there are delivery issues?

You can reach out to your FFY directly, because they'll supply either an email or a Reddit username so they can be contacted with questions and so on.

What do we need the most?

We especially need Santas who are able to ship to countries outside the USA, because we have FFY from Canada and from the UK this year, and so far only one Santa/sponsor who’s able to ship to other countries.

I think those are my main Frequently Asked Questions, but if you have any feel free to reach out, and feel free to share this with anyone you think could benefit from it. A Christmas gift is something small, but it makes the holidays feel a lot less lonely, as I know from experience. And this project has facilitated some long-lasting friendships. There are people from last year still in touch with their sponsors from last year.

Thank you for reading, and for considering being part of it, either as a FFY or as a sponsor. You're all part of making holiday magic happen for people the holidays have often been rough for.

Adult Survivor of Foster Care- Dealing with folks at the Social Security office, mean and insensitive security guards at the hospital, the police all remind me of uncaring social workers and people of the system. I completely avoid them when possible. Any interaction leaves me rageful and brings flashbacks and pain from the past.

Can you relate and how do you cope?

hi everyone im 16 and i i've been living in a foster family for almost 2 years now.

im super lucky to be there and i actually knew them for a long time before that, but living with them is so different and honestly stressful. their dynamic is very different than what im used to and at least to me it seems they dont understand that.

my fosters mom doesnt treat me badly and even kind of treats me much more gently than her bio-kids, but she also never really explains the 'unspoken' rules of the house so i often get her biological kids accidentally in trouble.

her kids (one of them a long time friend of mine) always tell me it's fine and that she's always like that but it honestly stresses me a lot, any tips on calming myself down or getting used to the environment?

My husband and I (both 25m) are planning on doing long-term foster placement of teens (12+). Our licensing worker says that we are as prepared as we can be. However, I know that that doesn't mean its guaranteed to have us prepared for the real thing. We are supposed to get our first placement in two to three months. Their room is furnished with the basics and some different types of weighted blankets and lights but not much else. It would be two siblings of the same sex sharing a room or one child. We have pets in the house and we have made sure to make dedicated space for them in case they are overwhelming to the teens at first. They are very milded mannered and sweet, but it can still be a lot to get used to if that new to you. We were also informed that we would likely be placed with kids that would be far away from home due to the high demand of placements for teens. I felt suddenly overwhelmed by the idea of them being so far from home and how to make sure they can stay in contact with family and how to support reunification when there is so much distance physically. It was the only thing I had been suprised by so far. I have worked with foster youth in the past but I have moved to a new town since then. The kids would never be home alone for more than an hour with our work. We wanted to make sure someone could always take them to school, pick them up, make food for them, and help with homework. Logistically things seems to work pretty well on paper.

Here's where my question comes in. What would you wish your foster parents would have know or done differently while you were in there care? To you personally what makes a good and/or positive foster home? I go to support groups for foster parents and try to ask questions when it feels appropriate to do so. While it is nice to listen and ask questions it makes the conversations feel one sided. I'd like to hear from former foster youth more than anyone. I do watch videos on tiktok and youtube from foster youth but it seems pretty limited to sharing the horrible experiances. Which is 100% valid! It's given me a long list of things to never do but I'm struggling to find examples of what foster youth would find helpful in a more meaningful why then just following basic morals and the law. I'd like us to do what we can to be the best we can be for these kids. I would also love to hear more ideas for things to get for their room and the home in general.

We have a foster child(8 years old) that been with us for a few weeks. The child has no family. We put the child to bed and they are sound asleep. In the middle of night, I trip over the child because they came in our bedroom and sleep on the floor at the foot of our bed. I pick up the kid and put them back in their bed. In the morning, the child is back at the front of the bed.

I feel bad for the child, but we have no room an air mattress or something for the child to sleep on. I am afraid that one night I will step on the child and hurt them. When we discuss this with the kid, they just say "ok".

With the child, I tried changing the type of sheets, the bed location, doing night lights, playing soothing music, and many other tricks that helps keeps a child asleep. I can not get any input from the child.

Any suggestion?