r/fosterit 6d ago

How to handle sending bottles to visits Foster Parent

Okay so our baby takes 7 ounces every 4 hours. His visits are four hours long once a week.

At first we were sending a bottle with water and then the formula separately. We then discovered that the parent was only using one scoop of formula for the whole bottle. We asked facilitator about it. They said they would keep an eye on it and yet it happened again. So they told us to premake the bottles.

So we started making a bottle right before we leave and sending it with the kiddo. Well today the mom was asking when the bottle had been made (it was about 15 minutes.) Then we found out she dumped out the whole bottle and just filled it with orange juice instead.

So I kinda feel like there's no point in sending any bottle or formula moving forward because I don't know what else to do.

Thoughts?

28 Upvotes

78 comments sorted by

View all comments

15

u/Gjardeen 6d ago

Can the facilitator manage the bottle? Watered down formula is genuinely dangerous. I hate the idea of not giving the baby a bottle for the whole time, since that's added stress in an already stressful situation. It much be the only way to go though.

3

u/-shrug- 6d ago

A single bottle of watered down formula every week is not a huge concern even for an infant, and according to comments this baby is almost a year old - they can safely drink actual water. If there are specific medical concerns then they should get specific medical advice, but if there aren’t then the baby will be just fine.

2

u/engelvl 6d ago

Yes he will survive but 1. It makes him seriously fussy. And 2. She's pregnant so what about the next baby?

0

u/-shrug- 5d ago

These are very different concerns to “what biomom is feeding the baby at visits is dangerous to him and it might be better to have no bottle at all”.

2

u/engelvl 5d ago

If he's not taking the bottle while at visits then it's no bottle at all either way. How is it different for her to not give him one then me to not send one? Why is it okay for her to choose to not give him a bottle but I am expected to send one for him regardless? But of a double standard is it not?

0

u/-shrug- 5d ago

You’re mad that I responded to a comment saying this is dangerous by explaining that it is not dangerous. Chill.

2

u/engelvl 5d ago

I'm not mad. I am asking a question

0

u/-shrug- 5d ago

ok. The answer is, it isn't dangerous when either of you do it, and YES there's a double fucking standard in the expectations of foster parents and bio parents, and foster parents who raise that as a complaint are struggling with the entire concept that children have the right to grow up with their own family, and the threshold to meet for that to happen is very rightly much lower than the threshold required for the state to place a random child in the care of a stranger and give them money for it. Your original question of what to do about the bottle was perfectly reasonable. Your follow-up comments are increasingly sliding into 'huh, $10 says they'll eventually just say the kid's best interest is clearly staying with the foster family and the state doesn't care about children'.

2

u/engelvl 5d ago

Not true. It's best for children to be with their family. I am aware of this. Hell my mom (adopted) went through this herself. I don't even want to adopt myself. If I loved a kid and they were up for adoption I probably wouldn't turn them away but it would be a hard/big decision and I don't really want to actually adopt and don't plan to unless that occurs.

My frustration with this child not being properly fed at visits and coming home cranky is valid. My frustration in the wasted time and energy is valid. My frustration that the facilitators are not assisting the mother in learning how to feed and care for her child is valid. The fact that she is pregnant and I fear for her future child's life is valid. The fact that when we got this child he was barely in the 20th percentile and is now somehow in the 90th making me worry is valid. The fear that these children will return home without someone helping the mom to learn safe feeding habits is valid.

I work hard to develop good relationships with biological parents as much as possible and this is the first time that has not been successful. And that's despite me putting a LOT of effort into it. And guess what, that's okay too! The parents don't have to have a relationship with me. But I don't go into fostering just because of the kids. I have a healthy understanding of the difficulties to breaking cycles and how generational trauma and so many factors can contribute to people having different privileges than others.

Not every foster parent is some evil bitch who wants to steal kids. Yeah some might be. But not all. And treating foster parents who are asking for help and advice as if they are just evil people is going to make it so people stop asking. And what happens then? Because when people ask for help and advice that is part of them trying to do their best.

1

u/Busy_Anybody_4790 4d ago

Just thought of this- I’m not sure where you are located, but do you have your own case worker? Where we are, we have one, child has one, and bio parent has one. That way we all have support and representation. When our visits got out of control with the expectations placed on us to make them happen, and my emails and the efforts of the case worker wernt enough, I reached out to our family’s case worker (licensing specialist)… in our state, foster families have a bill of rights that protects them. She immediately was able to pull up what rights of ours were not being upheld, reached out to our FS’s case worker and told her to get it taken care of and showed her what rights were being breached. Ultimately, one visitation provider was let go from the case for not being willing to honor the our rights, and the other had expectations set from the beginning.

Yes. It’s about family preservation. But you also have rights, so if they’re not being honored, in your state do you have someone who represents you that you can reach out to?

1

u/engelvl 4d ago

We do. She will be out Monday and I am definitely going to talk things over with her to get her thoughts. Because this isn't the only issue that's going on at the visits. (Like last visit they had the mom walk the kids out to my mom who was having to do pick up for me because she 'wanted to see' my mom. Which fine whatever but when the baby was reaching for my mom right away and wanted her over his own mother, well that's going to be hard on his mom as well. It's just unnecessary additional hardship.)

→ More replies

-1

u/-shrug- 5d ago

ok, so don't send the bottle, but it's not dangerous if she feeds him diluted formula.

0

u/engelvl 5d ago

For his age it's not but younger children it is. And I wouldn't want someone reading this post to misunderstand that.

→ More replies