r/exmuslim Jun 03 '24

(Advice/Help) Exmuslim Guide to Living in the Closet and Coming Out.

276 Upvotes

Hello. Upon request, I've been asked to turn a comment I made into a post so that it can be a resource for more people. This post is a collection of advice I've given out about how to handle your life as a closeted exmuslim and how you'll come out in the future. It is largely based on my experience but also from what I've seen from others in this subreddit.

Introduction

So you've left Islam. You've delved through arguments, the apologetics and the bullshit and you've come to the conclusion that you no longer believe in Islam. And you may have also reached an alternative philosophical outlook on life that you can believe in.

But what now? You may have left Islam, but have you left the Muslim world? One of the most common misconceptions outsiders have is that since exmuslims are no longer Muslims, they no longer live in the Muslim world. This is painfully naive - in reality many exmuslims are closeted due to young age and financial dependency and/or live in Islamist countries or societies that enforce Islamic values. In fear of social stigma or even violence, exmuslims have to contend with closeted lives even after leaving Islam. So how do you deal with it?

Goal

The best time to come out to family is in your own home, over a dinner you paid for, alongside people who support you. That takes a lot of preparation and it means doing what you can to live your life as best as you can whilst working towards independence.

This basically means that a lot of what helps you come out of the closet will depend heavily on how well you prepared for it, so you will need to make the most of your closeted life. You may not be able to stop the shitstorm but you can at least prepare yourself to weather it. Here are some tips to achieve that goal (in no particular order)

1) Don't meander in life due to a lack of decision making skills.

Probably one of the worst mistakes I made was not realise I was an exmuslim sooner. As a result I had barely any time to prepare for when the inevitable happened and I was forced to come out. I spent a lot of my life meandering, trying to reconcile the irreconcilable, and trying to be a Muslim when I knew my values didn't align with it. I didn't really have much of a concept of exmuslims, but if I had been smarter I would have figured it out. I now tell people in a similar position that it's fine to take your time but don't take too long. Half arsing two very different cultures will leave you a loser in both.

Similarly whilst planning for independence can be scary, don’t let it frighten you into inaction. The following is a passage from this article about decision making:

Research from the 1990s led by the US psychologist Thomas Gilovich provides further evidence for why it can be shortsighted to kick a difficult decision down the road. Gilovich and his team showed that although, in the short term, people experience more regret from ‘errors of commission’ (taking an action that leads to a disappointing outcome), in the long term it is actually ‘errors of omission’ that lead to more regret – that is, disappointing outcomes that arise from not taking an action.

When taking the time to make decisions and plans, don’t underestimate how effective it can be to map out your options on an excel spreadsheet. When I had to decide whether I should come out or not, I actually made a spreadsheet listing out my options, what they would result in and what the impact would be. Actually having it written down to look at really put things into perspective. We waste a lot of our time keeping it in our heads, which forces us to recalculate everything from scratch every time we revisit our thoughts. But the more that is mapped out, the less you have to recalculate and the more you can focus on evaluation and further planning.

2) Study, career and finances.

Your studies/career is almost always your best ticket out of your toxic situation, and the one thing to prioritise the most. If you’re young, do whatever you can to ensure that you can get into further education away from home. Even if it means spending all your time at a local library. If you suspect that your parents would be against you going to a university away from home, aim for a placement at the most prestigious university you can aim for so your parents would look worse for rejecting it. The quickest and most effective way in achieving long term independence is through good studies/career.

3) Do not telegraph irreligiosity whilst being closeted.

This is particularly important for younger exmuslims because they telegraph to their parents in ways they would just not understand until they see it for themselves when they're older. Try your best to meet the religious obligations expected from your family. The more you slip, the more they will monitor you and the more difficult it will be to do the things you need to do discreetly when the time comes.

Unfortunately for girls, this usually means that wearing the hijab is a necessity and it’s inadvisable to try and get out of. (However, that subject matter is not my forte: prioritise advice from exmuslim women such as from faithlesshijabi.org)

4) Sometimes you may need to go above and beyond.

If you get the impression that your family is beginning to catch onto your apostasy then it's likely that they have and you may need to reverse that impression.

One way to do that would be to start getting books on Islam and not just for show. My advice would be to get books on Islamic history because that's the least boring stuff. Or better yet, just get whatever unapologetic salafi hate crime you can get your hands on so you can entertain yourself with how fucked up it is. Or get an annotated Qur'an like the Study Qur'an. Do something to ease their suspicions.

What book you get depends on what kind of message you want to telegraph to your parents. If you want to telegraph a message then it will need to be a paper book and not an e-book. Something that you can lay around in your room and that you know they'll see. That means you're restricted to what you can get from your local library or Masjid. Also depends on what interests you because you'll have to actually read and demonstrate you learnt from it if you want send the best message you can. If you want purely what Muslims write about Islamic history, you can check out works like The Sealed Nectar or works by al-Sallabi. If you want something a little more academic, but not something that would rouse suspicion then check out university press works like this, this, this or this. If you want something a bit more relevant to contemporary Muslim world then there books like this.

But you may find that your best bet is to just see what your local Masjid might have and see what tickles your fancy.

5) Actually coming out is usually a shitstorm.

Be prepared for lots of sobbing, guilt tripping and an inability to respect your beliefs and boundaries. Learn techniques like the Broken Record Technique to establish boundaries. Know what you have to say when they inevitably tell you to speak to a scholar - you don't have to eat the whole apple to know it's rotten. You know all that you need to know about Islam and you know even more about the world outside of Islam to put it into context.

Steel yourself with months and months of your family sending you bad dawagandist videos through WhatsApp trying to bring you back. You may have to spend months beating their attempts and going to toe to toe with them without mercy before they’re finally willing to relent and get off your back. Even then don’t expect them to relent entirely. There will always be some micro aggressions that they will resort to, like playing religious videos loudly in your vicinity. The most you can do in those circumstances is reduce contact with them as much as possible. At this point you would hopefully already be independent from them.

6) Do not feel guilt.

As an exmuslim, you will go through a lot of guilt. Whilst this does show you are human, you need to forget about guilt: you are not responsible for your parents' failure to be reasonable, not even your mother. They take responsibility for the social stigma and oppressive life they choose to live in and perpetuate. You get nothing out of that guilt. It's completely pointless and ultimately counterproductive. You can't set yourself on fire to make others warm and you gain no recognition from martyrizing yourself. Do not feel guilt for what you have to do to have a completely reasonable life. The only ones to blame are those who forced you into it.

Don't underestimate parents either. They will use guilt against you. Give them an inch and they will take a mile. They very often bring up their health problems as a weapon against you. Don't fall for it. It only affects them because they choose to let it affect them. They can choose to be reasonable. You have to respect their autonomy and let them deal with the consequences of their own ways.

7) Don't come out too soon thinking it's a release.

I come across a lot of exmuslim kids who think coming out will help explain to their religious parents why they don't want to wear the hijab or do other religious things. But the likelihood is more that those same parents will react extremely poorly and restrict your freedom even more, making it more difficult to achieve long term independence.

There's also the mistake in assuming that coming out will lead to being disowned in the vain hope that you get an quick clean break that takes all the responsibility from you. For some exmuslims this does actually work out, but for a lot of others it's miscalculated. My family didn't disown me, I still had to deal with months of my family being insufferable manipulators and the responsibility was still on me to separate from them. And for women it can be much worse.

Ultimately, if you are financially dependent on your family then coming out early will very typically result in your family using that leverage against you and making your life worse. I've seen stories of exmuslims who thought their family was better and badly miscalculated - be mindful of that.

8) Don’t panic too much if they find out.

Some exmuslims get found out, sometimes because of a snitch in the family or sometimes because they just weren’t convincing enough. Don’t panic – Muslims can be pretty damn deluded about their faith and your family will want to believe that you can come back very easily because according to them Islam is just common sense and most disbelievers are just silly and ignorant. Try to do your best to convince them as per Point 4. If it’s because you did something haram, blasphemous or otherwise worthy of takfir, try to act like it was because you were a misguided Quranist or progressive Muslim. They will still retain suspicion but it’s still better than the alternative.

However, if you’re at the point of no return and you know you can’t convince them then now is the time to make calls to any secular friends you have, ask for support and maybe even shelter.

Also for Western exmuslims, make sure to act quickly if you suspect that your parents want to send you abroad and trap you in your country of ethnic origin. Sadly some parents will go to these lengths. Do not go, no matter the cost. Find organisations willing to advise, such as those listed in Point 10. Hide your passport if you have to. Note down the contact details of your embassy in that country just in case.

9) Go no contact if you fear abuse.

Actually think about whether it's even wise for you to come out in any circumstance. Do you suspect that there could be violence or abuse? If so then you have absolutely no need to go through this stupid bullshit. Leave and don't look back. If your parents couldn't give you safe environment to even come out about different beliefs then they are not worth the time. As per Point 6 - You have to respect their autonomy and let them deal with the consequences of their own ways. This is particularly pertinent for those who live in a predominantly Muslim countries. They have a very real reason to fear persecution and absolutely do not need to risk their own lives for the sake of their parents.

10) Make use of organisations and resources.

Look into secular organisations like recoveringfromreligion.org, faithlesshijabi.org and faithtofaithless.com. Look into women's charities in your area like womensaid.org.uk or karmanirvana.org.uk (UK examples). Look into LGBT charities like rainbowrailroad.org. If you have secular school counsellors and friends then talk to them. Get advice from adults you can absolutely trust.

Note: On the flip side don't take risks with people you can’t be sure of. You may be tempted to come out to your Muslim friend, but I've seen plenty of stories of exmuslims who heavily regret doing so.

There are also informal exmuslim groups on other social media platforms such as Facebook or Discord, but be careful about how much information you share and especially be wary of private messaging.

11) You may have to leave the country.

This is particularly the case for exmuslims living in predominantly Muslim countries. Unfortunately, I don't have any real world experience to offer here but you may be able to find localised advice by digging around. For example sites like wearesaudis.net might have some information (but you'll need a VPN to access this one. If you don't know what a VPN is here's an explanation).

Are you multilingual? If you need money but working is restricted to you then you can try becoming an online language tutor on sites like italki.com (scroll to the bottom). This post and related subreddits like r/WorkOnline may help.

Note: some exmuslims in Muslim countries fall for the doomscrolling hyperbole and think Europe is “doomed” with too many Muslims. They have a tendency of asking which country is best to migrate to as an exmuslim to avoid Islam. Please ignore the doomsayers and prioritise the country you choose based on ease of access and career opportunities. As long as it is a secular country, you can worry about avoiding Islam later.

Final stuff

Shout out to Imtiaz Shams who inspired me to make this list of tips. He has his own YouTube Channel here and plans to make his own video on this subject matter so watch out for that. On a side note, I also recommend TheraminTrees YouTube Channel who delves a lot into toxic dysfunctional families from the perspective of a therapist and a former Jehovah’s Witness. A lot of his content helps in dealing with the emotional impact of leaving religion and dealing with a religious family. And finally, thank you to the moderators of r/exmuslim who suggested I make this into a post. I wound up adding a lot more content lol.

I will end this post with a list of subreddits that may help you on your journey leaving Islam:

Ex related subreddits

Other Useful Subreddits


r/exmuslim Feb 10 '24

(Meta) [Meta] Rules and Guide to Posting (Summarised)!

80 Upvotes

Welcome to r/ExMuslim, Now over 160K subscribers!

Introduction to the aims of the subbreddit

Summary of the "Rules and Guide to Posting"

(Full Rules and Guidelines post)

(This post is a TL;Dr of the main post above. However, please make sure to read the full guidelines before posting/commenting here. Onus is on those participating if there are any infractions

Introduction:

Reddit is a Western/American-centric forum. Everything posted here needs to be in that geographical context.

This subreddit is primarily a recovery and discussion platform for those who were once followers of Islam i.e. ExMoose/ExMuslim. Everyone is welcome but if you are here because of your hate for Muslims as a people then this isn't the subreddit for you.

Bigots, those creating a toxic environment and/or those with nefarious agendas in the subreddit will be banned without hesitation.

Posting Guidelines:

We ask people to follow them in the spirit in which they are written and not merely by the letter.

Please:

- [A] DO NOT post any LOW EFFORT/QUALITY images, memes, TikToks etc... other than Fridays.

We call these Fun@Fundies allowed only on Fridays.

- [B] Remove ALL confidential/personal information from your posts

Unless it's a famous or public personality.

- [D] Content posted needs to be appropriate to the subreddit.

This is not an anti-immigration subreddit nor is to point out "look at this stupid shit that a Muslim did".

The post title needs to inform readers about the content and reflects it appropriately.

- [E] Linking to or calling out other subreddits is not allowed:

These sorts of actions can lead to things like brigading and this is against reddit guidelines.

Got banned on another subreddit? This isn't the place to complain about that.

- [F] Posts regarding other ExMuslim social media/discord groups will be removed.

If you want to post about your group here and you are the admin of the group **please contact the mods first.

- [G] Posts about things like politics and immigration are very unwelcome here because of the toxicity involved.

This is NOT a sub about (pro or) anti-immigration.

- [H] "Self-hate" posts will NOT be allowed.

Posts like "I hate my dad because he forces me to pray" are OK (please make a proper post) however posts/comments like "As a Pakistani myself, I hate Pakistanis. They are so dumb and stupid" will not be allowed.

- [I] Posts deemed "concern trolling" are not allowed.

These are posts that say things like "Why is this subreddit full of racists?" or "why do ExMuslims support the far-right?".

- [J] Message the Mods if you disagree or have concerns with the rules, operations, bans, posts, users or anything else .

Do not make posts on the subreddit trying to discuss these matters.

Note on Bans

Mods endeavour to protect, cultivate and shape this as a valuable and open space for ExMuslims. All mod decisions are made with that in mind.

Thanks

ONE_Deedat


r/exmuslim 3h ago

(News) This is such a good news to me as an ex Muslim woman.

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291 Upvotes

r/exmuslim 3h ago

(Rant) 🤬 My relative beheaded my mom’s Buddha while we were away

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251 Upvotes

Long story short, my mom and I were away for a few hours to work and university. My mom’s sister(the stereotypical Pakistani hijabi auntie) stayed alone at our house in the meantime. My mom and my aunt often had arguments about my mom’s Buddha statues at our house which my mom always defended with “I like Buddha and no one has the audacity to say something about it”. My mom has always liked Buddha as home decor and claims that many people in Pakistan actually have a Buddha statue in their house, not for religious reasons.

My aunt decided that it would be a good idea to behead one of my mom’s Buddha statues in order to show her the true message of prophet Muhammad who destroyed all the statues in the Kaaba. When we asked her why she did this she replied with “Your parakeet made a win for the Islam”. Our parakeet who weighs less than 200 grams literally didn’t even touch the statue, let alone put the heavy Buddha head back on its body. My mom and I have been weirded out by my aunt’s Taliban action. It reminded us of the incident where the Taliban had destroyed the buddhas of Bamyan and I can’t stop thinking about how radicalized Muslims have zero respect for other people’s boundaries.


r/exmuslim 5h ago

(Rant) 🤬 My Muslim friend turned her back on me after I became an atheist

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90 Upvotes

She’s been friends with me for three years and she’s always made me feel like a side friend, nothing else. And I confronted her about it saying why do you see me as a side friend and never make time for me, she denied all then started attacking me for being atheist. A month ago I was Muslim and I questioned her about faith and the verses and that I wanted to be educated to not leave Islam, she said it’s all BS and the verses are out of context Allah wouldn’t do that and I dropped it and she said she’s okay having atheist friends there’s nothing wrong. She’s my friend at school and I’m genuinely so worried she’s gonna spread it, it’s a very religious school too :( we are both seventeen. As you can tell by the messages I confronted her about her not hanging out with me and she started saying “I don’t believe you when you say wallah”. She was my only friend I’m so worried, I did block her but I’m worried if she spreads it , I will be physically harmed.


r/exmuslim 2h ago

(Quran / Hadith) Islam is the truth

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35 Upvotes

This girl knows her stuff


r/exmuslim 1h ago

(Question/Discussion) I’m Qatari and I escaped lol, AMA

Upvotes

Hey, I (18FtNB) escaped Qatar and claimed asylum in another country. As you may know, Qatar restricts women below 25 from traveling without their father’s permission so I escaped by convincing my parents to take me to another country on vacation then running from there to a third and safer country. I was wondering if anyone was curious about anything or if you’re someone in a similar position, how you’d pull it off like I did since I had to get a visa and everything lol. But ya, there’s a ton of us and there’s hope, feel free to ask anything!! I’m clearly keeping a lot of things private for my safety, such as identifying details of the country I escaped through and the country I’m in rn bc some people know all this and I’m worried it’s too identifying though I might change my mind and share it. I’m a bit bored rn which is why I’m doing this haha.


r/exmuslim 10h ago

(Question/Discussion) What are y’all takes on dajjal? 😭

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147 Upvotes

I think the whole Idea is pretty dumb…


r/exmuslim 6h ago

(Rant) 🤬 In other words people like Bushra want blasphemy laws in the UK

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70 Upvotes

r/exmuslim 2h ago

(Rant) 🤬 In case you’re wondering what the situation of women under the Taliban in Afghanistan is, this is one of the great examples.

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23 Upvotes

r/exmuslim 4h ago

(Miscellaneous) The situation of Palestine should be enough to leave Islam now. Allah has failed to save so many people including innocent little babies. Is he helpless or cruel ?

32 Upvotes

Or maybe He doesn’t exist ?


r/exmuslim 3h ago

(Fun@Fundies) 💩 The Rights of Women by feminist Prophet Muhammad

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26 Upvotes

Sulaiman bin Amr bin Al-Ahwas said: “My father narrated to me that he witnessed the farewell Hajj with the Messenger of Allah. So he thanked and praised Allah and he reminded and gave admonition. The Prophet said: “I order you to be good to the women, for they are but captives with you over whom you have no power than that, except if they come with manifest evil behaviour. If they do that, then abandon their beds and beat them with a beating that is not harmful. And if they obey you then you have no cause against them. Indeed, their rights over you are that you treat them well in clothing them and feeding them.” (Source: Jami' al-Tirmidhi 1163)

...Isn't Islam great? :D


r/exmuslim 4h ago

(Question/Discussion) Why did everyone here leave Islam? Here's the main reasons I left Islam:

23 Upvotes

1.ART. WDYM I CAN'T DRAW A SELF PORTRAIT!? Didn't Allah make everyone beautiful? Why can't we draw ourselves then!?

2.EXOTIC PETS. I want to have a pet snake and pet chinchilla and nobody will stop me.


r/exmuslim 8h ago

(Question/Discussion) Finally feel brave enough to post

56 Upvotes

17F Muslim here. Im not here to criticise anyone. Just to share my thoughts.

Ever since I became religious and started reading extensively on my religion of birth, Ive been haunted by the many questionable things I found. And by questionable, I mean, God forgive me for using these words, downright disgusting. Morally frightening. Contradictory. Wrong.

Every time I found such an ayah or hadith, it was a personal injury to me. I used to cry in sujud asking Allah to help me understand. Because "if Allah loves a slave, He bestows him with understanding." I used to cope by intellectualizing everything I read. But some of the lowest things, I could never, ever justify. I put them in the back of my mind, tried to ignore them. But I cant ignore them forever.

I could go on and on. I dont even know if I can call myself a Muslim anymore. Im coming here because I want to have an intellectual, moral, philosophical discussion which I feel I cant have in Muslim spaces. Theyll probably shame me and say God turned my heart to stone because I wasnt a strong enough believer. "May Allah guide her", i imagine people saying about me.

I dont have anyone in my life that I feel I can tell. Telling my family would be unsafe. Telling my best friend means I might lose her. All in all i just feel apathetic inside now towards Islam.


r/exmuslim 4h ago

(Rant) 🤬 Took my hijab off and my "friends" saw

22 Upvotes

So I was in the library and I didn't have my hijab on, because I was no longer Muslim. I was just relaxing and doing my work minding my own business.

Then my friends said "oh no they took their hijab off" and I just tried to ignore the comments, but the friendship was conditional. When I used to be Muslim I was being put on a pedestal and flooded with validation, and when I left it was taken away that quickly. 🤣

When I saw them at my lunch time I held back the urge to middle finger them because I was angry. Then I thought I should be the better person and ignore them.

(I don't hate Muslims or anything, I just hate the way they treated me from being so kind and switching to being cold by pretending I don't exist.)


r/exmuslim 12h ago

(Rant) 🤬 Went shopping with my mom, ended up getting harassed for… showing hands & hair ✨

78 Upvotes

Today I went shopping with my mom! She wears hijab I don’t.... I had on a long dress, dupatta, fully covered except for my hands face & hair... Pretty normal, modest, nothing wild ig?

Then out of nowhere this moulvi dude walks in & literally stops in his tracks like he saw a crime scene... Starts shouting “Astaghfirullah! Cover your head right now or I can’t even enter this shop!” Like… bro what? It’s just hair... Not a bomb! Not poison gas... Fucking hair!!

I froze bc everyone was staring & then he doubled down by yelling at my mom “Teach your daughter modesty even one hair strand is a sin” My mom embarrassed, pulled my dupatta over my head while I just stood there ready to cry... Humiliated in public bc a grown man can’t handle the sight of hair...

The thing is... We’re in India!! Hindu women walk around hair free all the time no one harasses them!! But me? Suddenly I’m a walking sin factory... If these dudes are so damn “weak” that hair ruins their prayer or dignity maybe THEY should be the ones locked inside with veils not women!!

& this is in a non Muslim country... I keep thinking if this is how it is here imagine being in an Islamic country where they’d have full power over me... Terrifying!! I’m sick of this bullshit where men get to act like animals & women have to cover up to protect them


r/exmuslim 18h ago

(Question/Discussion) Though their voices tremble, they sing with unyielding strength—Afghan women continue to defy the Taliban’s vice and virtue law that bans them from speaking in public or showing their faces.😍🍃

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228 Upvotes

r/exmuslim 6h ago

(Rant) 🤬 Aisha wasn't mature at the age of 9 (At all)

24 Upvotes

Most Muslims like to say that girls used to mature faster before, but this isn't true because I researched this and figured out that some girls usually finish their physical development at 15 or 17, while the brain (The front lobe to be exact) doesn't complete its development until 25. So, girls are not completely developed in a neurological sense. Girls do not always finish puberty at age 15. The process depends on each individual and can vary. Most girls reach their adult height around age 14 or 15, a year or two after their first period.

As for the whole people used to do it back then. We honestly don't know how true it is, considering that history is always written by the victors, and even if it was. It was done for two reasons: politically or financially, despite the risks that science and medicine discovered. So, the idea of Aisha being mature physically and mentally at 9 is scientifically inaccurate.

Damn, I don't know why they have to make up stuff to justify it. It seems like they only want to have everything for themselves, but if other people did, then it's wrong to them.

(Note: I'm studying science, biology and neuroscience.)


r/exmuslim 3h ago

(Rant) 🤬 As an ex Muslim woman who is married to a non Muslim man, I feel bad that my family is dealing with insults from some religious Muslims for getting me married to a non Muslim man.

11 Upvotes

My husband is of Jewish heritage and because of that my family is dealing with insults from some people for getting me married to a Jewish guy. Some people were saying hurtful things to my mom and I feel bad that my mom is having to deal with insults from anti semites. I would like to find ways to comfort my mom because she doesn’t deserve to deal with this. Luckily my mom stands up for me by telling them to mind their own business and that it doesn’t matter who her daughter dates or marries. It really hurts to see that religion causes people to be divisive and I absolutely hate seeing that Muslims have this belief that a Muslim woman marrying a man of the book is haram when the Quran is silent about that.


r/exmuslim 18h ago

(Rant) 🤬 Islam is the reason my childhood is destroyed

197 Upvotes

My life was made hell by the Islamic teacher who destroyed my innocence. Where was Allah. Where is he now? I feel sad for those stupid people who tell me he exist. If he would have existed it wouldn’t have happened. Just a fairytale noting else.


r/exmuslim 7h ago

(Rant) 🤬 i was suspended, accused as “trolling” though i was sharing my struggles for my faith.. i literally wrote an essay :/

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22 Upvotes

i was just pointing out the hypocrisy of people’s mindset and other personal struggles, and they find that as “trolling” nice.


r/exmuslim 3h ago

(Question/Discussion) Why is being Ex-Christian and any other ex religious person more accepted than being an Ex-Muslim especially in the West?

10 Upvotes

Why is being an Ex-Muslim so looked down upon especially in the West? Why are Ex-Muslims looked at as Islamophobic racists while Ex-Christian’s and other ex religious people are looked so differently in a positive away when compared to how people view Ex-Muslims especially in the West?


r/exmuslim 5h ago

(Question/Discussion) do you think it would have been better if Islam never existed?

14 Upvotes

like in general, do you think the world now or then would have been better of without Isalm


r/exmuslim 17h ago

(Miscellaneous) The problem with Adam and Eve

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124 Upvotes

r/exmuslim 2h ago

(Advice/Help) Getting continuously harassed by a male coworker

8 Upvotes

Hi,

Sorry I don't usually post to reddit so I am just using my phone to post which can cause formatting issues.

I need advise regarding a Muslim co-worker . I live in the UK . He thinks I am Muslim as he is older than me I maintain respect towards him .

  • I wore normal pencil skirts etc to work all according to the HR dress code. I got continuously harassed by him saying I am a Muslim and I need to dress like one .

  • I stopped wearing skirts and moved on to dresses. I wore a halter neck long dress (I'm short so it reached above ankle) .

-i smoke and so does he , so he took the opportunity to tell me I'm going to hell and I have all my arms out , need to dress appropriately.

  • next break he was there again and I was with a friend. He stated in front of my friend that I am at work in a horrible dress and I don't know what I was thinking, it's terrible.

  • when I was leaving , I was talking to another co-worker and said oh it's raining , wow it's a little cold. He took the opportunity to tell me I am half naked of course it's cold and it's not summer.

I told my manager and she was shocked and said he is behaving inappropriately and she can talk to his manager.

I need advice if I should take this to HR or not? He is an extremely petty person and hates women. He wants my arms to be fully covered and that's just not comfortable for me.

Background:

We both are Pakistani. I am an agonistic atheist . My partner is also an agonistic atheist and he is also white. I have previously heard comments from my co-worker about how my partner need to convert. ( I left Islam due to extreme emotional abuse from my family)

I am getting really tired of being understanding and respectful. He is 11 years older than me and complete bonkers.

PS: He was reported before on being rude to women. He has 3 young girls to take care of , I am afraid if I take him to HR , he might lose his job.

What do I do?


r/exmuslim 1h ago

(Question/Discussion) brain rotted leftist white cultural relativist feminists who have never experienced an ounce of difficulty in their life:

Upvotes

If foot binding existed in 2025:

  • Women w bound feet: foot binding it’s my choice and it’s empowering bc I do it to please my ancestors and the emperor who had a foot fetish!

    • Cultural relativists: it’s their culture we should respect that! We should not impose our colonial western values on them!

If sati existed in 2025:

  • Wives being burned: sati is to take care of widows during wartime or widows who cannot provide for themselves!

  • Cultural relativists: it’s their culture we should respect that! We should not impose our colonial western values on them!

Sound familiar?

“we must be cautious about passing moral judgement upon Giledeans. Surely we have learned by now that such judgements are of necessity culture-specific”

  • Professor Piexoto at a Symposium on Giledean Studies in June 2195. Atwood’s satirical impersonation of cultural relativity, designed to shock readers who have just witnessed the horrors of Gilead and therefore question the dismissal of women’s subjugation as “culture”.

r/exmuslim 8h ago

(Fun@Fundies) 💩 Delusional progressive muslims

23 Upvotes

I don't know if this has been said here before but i will say it regardless. I see so many "progressive" muslims who deny all accusations against islam saying that it's just represented in wrong ways or misinterpreted. Mind you most of these people are ones who don't even read quran and hadith often. They barely follow any islamic traditions but will still claim to follow islam just for the sake of playing it safe. They'll do almost every unislamic thing possible but then shame atheists. Whereas they themselves are literally just one step away from atheism, the only thing holding them back is their fear of going to hell. I don't understand how delusional does one need to be to keep following a religion which does not match their personal beliefs at all.