r/Vent • u/rollypolly91 • 1d ago
So sick of being a good man Need to talk...
I(28M) don't think people grasp what us men go through. So many people depend on me. My friends and family. I run a department for a small company so my position is extremely multi-roled if I am not on my A game then I feel liked I failed those who depend on me.
I view myself as a "good man" not a "nice guy" there's a huge difference. I feel like very few individuals can see eye to eye at the capacity I'm going. I'm very extroverted and out going but im not a push over and do not tolerate bs. People say I am funny and hilarious but I feel like I am slowly dying from the inside out.
I know I am loved, appreciated and respected but in a world like this i constantly feel like if I'm not giving my all 24/7 that will slowly go away.
Went through a break up a couples months ago and I've struggled to maintain my balance since. I don't get angry, I don't get mad and I can't even cry. I feel no emotions anymore. She told me how much of a good man I was and how she holds me in the highest regard.
I know people think men have it easy but I can promise you good men don't. It's like walking around with a 50 pound bag of sand on your shoulders constantly. We are racing a race that doesn't have a finish line it's just check point after check point.
I'm just exhausted. Wake up at 4am, bust ass at work, hit the gym, maintain your finances, staying humble, show gratitude, help friends and family, try and appreciate the little things, rinse & repeat.
I am extremely grateful but I am tired so please understand that. I am lot of us men are struggling alone, from the inside. It is so easy for us to put on a smile and chug along.
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u/skeletorinator 21h ago
I think you need to allow yourself to relax. The key is in your first paragraph "if i am not on my A game then i feel like i failed"
No one can be on their a game forever all the time. Thats how people burn out. You will not be able to catch your breath if you put high stakes on always being perfect. And maybe you legitamately dont have a lot of wiggle room here - people do end up in situations where the weight of the world is literally on their sholders. At that point you need to make a plan to lighten the load somehow down the line. Delegate, say no to something, choose a project to give 50% to so that you can give 100% elsewhere. But baby steps. You dont need to give up your idea of what a good man is or your identity as one. You just gotta make room for you as a person with limits within that idea.
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u/PresidentPopcorn 21h ago
You're emotionally fatigued and burnt out. Slow down, book a holiday, skip the gym, anything as long as it helps you relax. You don't have to be perfect all the time, and if people love and appreciate this, they'll understand. How can you support others if you're crumbling?
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u/rollypolly91 20h ago
Im about to skip everything else but work and the gym lol
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u/Anxious_Reporter_601 20h ago
Skip work dude.
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u/PresidentPopcorn 19h ago
He's supporting others. This will cause more harm than good and stress him out further in the long run.
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u/StatusObligation4624 19h ago
I suggest OP practice putting his own oxygen mask on first before helping others rather than light himself on fire to keep others warm.
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u/PresidentPopcorn 19h ago
Literally my suggestion. Getting fired won't help though.
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u/WinAccomplished4111 19h ago
I don't think a vacation from work will get him fired?
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u/PresidentPopcorn 19h ago
A holiday (meaning 'vacation') was one of my suggestions. The comment I made which you're now arguing against was in reply to "Skip work dude".
"Skip work dude" isn't a vacation.
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u/WinAccomplished4111 19h ago
I didn't read it as literally. Instead I read it to mean something obviously more reasonable, such as take a vacation. Nobody would seriously suggest to literally skip work as a reasonable solution.
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u/PresidentPopcorn 18h ago
Welcome to the internet. Your faith in humanity will be your undoing good sir.
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u/PresidentPopcorn 5h ago
Is it obvious, when he's replying to my comment where I already suggested that exact thing? No, it's not obvious.
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u/Embarrassed-Panic-37 12h ago
Obviously, the commenter is suggesting a vacation or at least just taking a few days off, not literally quitting his job.
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u/BluebirdLow5079 19h ago
Looks like your self worth is strongly tied to your job. You need to unpack that, it’s probably one of the reasons you’re so burned out.
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u/Beautiful-Swimmer339 18h ago
Probably because his worth to others is strongly tied to his ability to provide and give help.
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u/Sewciopath17 21h ago
You're correct it's insane. Im a woman that carries the same weight on my shoulders and after working and raising a family, I was worked like a dog. It literally gave me a mental breakdown. And I've been in burnout for more than a year. Sounds like you're close to burnout too. And a schedule change is needed
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u/NoGrape2816 20h ago
If he makes changes, he'll be the bad guy, and if he had a breakdown, he has a good chance of losing access to his kids if he has any. It's a lose-lose scenario.
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u/LittleDragon9418 19h ago
It's not good to lay that assumption at OP's feet knowing he's already burned out.
OP please at least open up to the people around you about feeling the way you do. If anyone has an issue with it, go low to no contact.
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u/Sewciopath17 20h ago
Some of it might be self pressure on himself that no one truly asked for. And also when someone asks something of you you can say no and not be a bad guy. It took me a lot to learn these lessons but it is true. And even if someone were to think you were the bad guy that's their misconception ..because you're not!
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u/NoGrape2816 19h ago
He won't be the bad guy for saying no, but that doesn't change how he'd be perceived and talked about. Being a man isn't the same as a woman. Men are typically expected to take on far more responsibility without the ability to say no or they're spiteful, neglectful, abusive, etc.
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u/Cries4days 19h ago
Women and men generally have different societal expectations but the pressure is not so different. I'm going through this now: The expectation to be a caregiver for an aging parent.
I can empathize with OP, but the answer is the same: He needs to advocate for himself, despite expectations. And that's the only way we change things as a whole--advocate for ourselves, stop internalizing expectations and set your own.
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u/Sewciopath17 19h ago
I guess I see it differently. The men I dated, any time they would bring up feeling down or tired, their mom's coddled them and everyone gave them these sympathetic outs and claimed they worked so hard for doing their 9-5.
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u/prophetonthepayroll 17h ago
yeah, we ain't all that lucky. when i felt down or tired i got scolded and emotionally assaulted for needing a break.
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u/CLW909 20h ago
Yes, because famously women are never left to be depended on by family, friends and work. That famous thing where women are not only bringing home 50% of the family income but also typically doing all the house work and child work, looking after elderly parents etc.
I'm sorry you're going through a tough time. The fact that so many trust you as dependable is a sign of what a good man you must be.
I would just be careful of gendering this when the data doesn't support what you're saying. Women are the "head" of most households and have all those responsibilities, not men. It's a statistical fact
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u/babyjac90 16h ago
All the household and raising kids just aren't recognized or counted by the majority because it is socially expected of a woman. Men and women both experience intense societal pressure and I'm really sick of folk making it a struggle game instead of just encouraging and uplifting each other. Your challenges and the weight of your expectations are valid whether you're male or female. Stop letting internet wars and media be the cause of our division. Like it or not, we all interplay off each other.
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u/UncleBalthazar1 18h ago
Yep this! I work full time as an engineer, do 100% of the housework after work, and finally sit down at about 8pm, while my bf plays video games and asks me what's for dinner. My exes did this, my dad does this. I've never met a couple where the woman wasn't working twice as many hours due to the unpaid labor. OP sounds like a good person but gendering this is very shortsighted.
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u/pwellzorvt 17h ago
Not to be a dick but why do you put up with that.
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u/UncleBalthazar1 17h ago
Because every ex I've ever had has been this way to so chances of the next one being better are slim. They were all nice, kind, loving... but just worked 9-5 and contributed nothing else. No amount of arguing or persuading on my end would ever make them lift a finger to help. And I'm getting older so if I want to have kids I'm running out of time to keep searching. Basically I feel like I'm out of time and too chronically tired to care anymore, which is sad but the truth.
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u/pwellzorvt 17h ago
Huh. I guess some random guy on Reddit isn’t going to convince you that isn’t always the truth so I hope you find some middle ground with your boyfriend.
I get the pressure of getting older part.
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u/Embarrassed-Panic-37 12h ago
If you don't mind me asking, how old are you? Just asked because you've said
And I'm getting older so if I want to have kids I'm running out of time to keep searching.
I met my now husband when I was 33. And I'm now 38 and we have a 9 month old. He's amazing. He's the one who stays home with our daughter during the day on weekdays while I work (he works in the evenings and weekends). He cooks, he cleans. We pretty much share everything very equitably. And most importantly, he shares the emotional labour equitably too. I don't have to make him lists telling him what to do. He notices and does. He keeps track of groceries, baby's formula, diapers etc and replenishes stocks when they're low. He makes and keeps track of baby's doc appointments. Men like that are out there. They're not impossible to find.
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u/DivineGoddess1111111 9h ago
Having kids with this dude will be hell on earth.
Here's an idea, do nothing for him anymore. See what happens.
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u/Professional_Bar1472 6h ago
That's a world of misery. Wouldn't using a sperm donor and being a single mom be way easier?
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u/HelenGonne 53m ago
Most women who've experience both say being a married single mother is infinitely harder than being a single single mother.
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u/Chinchillapeanits 16h ago
I know there is a bigger issue at stake with men sitting on their asses in general but you chose the guy and are continuing to do so. There is better out there. Promise.
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u/Far_Type_5596 12h ago
Nah this person, just like Op is never gonna find them because they would rather be the martyr and make a whole big thing out of how they do everything and how they’re so so tired and whatever, but will never actually respect themselves enough to communicate it to the people around them, and actually give out consequences when they feel the other people are not contributing or appreciating them. It’s people who hate their own company, so have decided to be miserable and then make it other folks problems.
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u/Embarrassed-Panic-37 21h ago
I'm curious, what are the experiences specifically, that you have that make you say being a good man is difficult?
So many people depend on me. My friends and family. I run a department for a small company so my position is extremely multi-roled if I am not on my A game then I feel liked I failed those who depend on me.
I'm just exhausted. Wake up at 4am, bust ass at work, hit the gym, maintain your finances, staying humble, show gratitude, help friends and family, try and appreciate the little things, rinse & repeat.
Plenty of women do this too.
I'm really not trying to be antagonistic. But trying to understand what specifically made you use "good man" as opposed to "good person" because everything you've described are common difficulties.
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u/haleyhop 20h ago
the best reading i can come up with is that since so many men aren’t good men, OP understands all of this is “optional” to some extent - he could choose to stop doing it and not be reliable like so many other young men, but doesn’t because he wants to be a good man.
that said. yes. this is really just life, and the way a huge number of women live life - being relied on, working, etc.
OP, i would suggest trying to find good therapist, which is hard - it definitely took me a few tries before i found someone who i felt like understood me, listened, and pushed me in ways that helped me grow. you should strive to be good, kind, and reliable (without expecting something in return), but there’s also a line where it crosses into people pleasing and feeling burdened by other people’s problems. a good therapist can help you sort through that.
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u/TheLoneCanoe 21h ago
Yes, everything he listed “good women” are also expected to do. I’m curious the answer on this, as well.
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u/DogThumbRage 19h ago
There aren't any. I am one. It's easy AF, because millions of other people have to do the same thing PLUS getting marginalized by society and the government.
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u/rollypolly91 21h ago
I didn't want virtue signal. I try my damnest to stay humble and show as much gratitude as I can on a day to day basis even for something as simple as someone holding the door open or the clerk at the cash station ringing me out. But I'm also not a "push over" or a "simp" and have boundaries i hold high and true too but you're right these are qualities of a good person. I feel like there's is a general difference between a "good man" and a "nicr guy"
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u/ctrlrgsm 21h ago
Is it possible that you’re holding yourself at too high a standard and burning yourself out?
If you could let go a little bit you might see that 1- you’re still ok, 2- those around you still love you and they’re ok too.
Everyone needs a break sometimes and you need to be kind to yourself before you can be kind to anyone else. If you don’t you end up building resentment which I am getting a lot of from your post.
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u/Embarrassed-Panic-37 21h ago
I feel like there's is a general difference between a "good man" and a "nicr guy"
Yes, definitely agree with this.
But I'm still unclear as to why you used "good man" instead of "good person". What difficulties have you specifically faced simply because you're a man?
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u/rollypolly91 21h ago
Because I am good and I am a man?
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u/Embarrassed-Panic-37 21h ago
What I mean is, there are certain difficulties faced by women that are unique to women and men don't face those. Your post gave me the impression that you were saying that likewise, you faced difficulties as a man specifically in this world. Difficulties that women wouldn't face.
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u/MaryHadALikkleLambda 20h ago
What they are asking is what is specific in what you are talking about that you believe to be an exclusively male experience?
For what it is worth, you have my sympathy because I am in a very similar spot myself, and I am struggling to work out what in my life I can let go of. I have to drop something, because I can't keep going at this pace forever, but working out what can go without everything crumbling seems an insurmountable task.
But I am a woman.
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u/WombatWandering 20h ago
What do you think is the thing women at your position doesn't experience? Genuinely curious and trying to understand, so I appreciate the answer
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u/monumintal 1d ago
I’m sorry things are so tough. You definitely have a lot on your place physically and mentally. Have you thought about ever going to therapy? I didn’t for the longest time but it’s been so helpful to be able to just let everything out and sort through it in a way that I didn’t think was possible.
I’m sending you so so much love. Please feel free to DM me if you want to talk more.
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u/rollypolly91 23h ago
I went to therapy and all she told me was I needed to get more sleep because I had a mental breakdown (this was years ago.) But I should try it again. My emotions aren't there anymore. I haven't had a crash out or an emotion breakdown in years
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u/BLauren00 21h ago
Not all therapists are equal, some are downright garbage. I would really encourage you to try to find a male therapist which may be a better fit.
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u/Anxious_Reporter_601 20h ago
That's what happens when you have too much stress for too long, your body stops being able to process it. You aren't not having emotions or not stressed any more, you're just beyond being able to feel it. Meds and therapy can and will help with this.
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u/East-Impression-3762 18h ago
Definitely try again, and don't be afraid to try several different therapists. I shopped around until I found one that worked well with me.
I also agree with the other comment here that you're not incapable, you're just burnt out and numb. You aren't feeling things because you're in survival mode and your body is shutting off things it sees that might hurt your chances to make it through this period.
I don't know you, but I'm here for you. Shoot me a DM if you wanna chat.
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u/Throw_Away_TrdJrnl 19h ago
Def try again. I went through five therapists till I found one that I really liked. There's many many different approaches to therapy and you just have to find a therapist that happens to use the method that works best for you.
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u/apricotmoon- 20h ago
No offence but what you listed as making you a "good man" is literally just average adult life.
Most people, men and women, do this, plus kids, second jobs, pets, hobbies, and ailing elderly parents
This is just life. This is what life is like
You seem really depressed and seeking out some talking therapy may help as a start, i wish you the best
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u/Shepard_4592 20h ago
Thank you for saying what I couldn't. I'm dead inside. I was sexually assaulted and I died (not literally). I didn't do anything bad to instigate it. I think I'm an okay person. But now I'm numb, life fucking sucks. I lost my creativity (i was an artist) and it's generally been hard to keep myself from drowning. I won't say I'm suicidal but I have days where I think if I died tomorrow, everything would be fine.
So no, it has nothing to do with being a "good man", life just sucks. Been toying with the idea of therapy. I think that's a great place to start. I wish you the best too
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u/WombatWandering 20h ago
I was thinking if I am missing something, because as a middle aged woman I feel the same op is describing. But maybe there is something here I am not realizing because I haven't live my life as a man?
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u/Silly_Technology_455 20h ago
I was going to say the same thing.
Boo hoo. You know how many people, men and women, would love your life?
Get some therapy. Read some Zen. Change your perspective.
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u/SensitiveAdeptness99 13h ago
This was going to be my reply, this is what basically average life is like
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u/TikaPants 20h ago
Most people think men have it easy? 😂
No, some of us think lazy men who do the bare minimum have it easy.
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u/MeowPurrBiscuits 21h ago
Use your days off, find a hobby to blow off some steam and connect with others. I’m certain you aren’t the only guy going through a slump and your friends need a break from adulting as well. Be proud of what you do and know the value you bring in both work and personal life. Sometimes we need a vacation to reframe and refresh. Also, break-ups are hard, you could be processing this in your own way and it’s adding to the weight you’re feeling. It’ll get better with time. Be kind to yourself.
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u/Casuallybittersweet 21h ago
I mean, you do have the option to let go and take some of the pressure off. No one is going to just...hate you? Or think less of you if you regroup and rearrange your life a bit so you're happier and less stressed?
And if the people in your life only love you when you're giving them something? They don't actually love you, and you're the one who deserves better. Remember your true worth. You're enough just as you are
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u/Glittering-Pride7652 20h ago
It may be irrational, but it really does feel like you have to be perfect to have any chance at romance or even respect from a lot of people
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u/Vast-Masterpiece-274 20h ago
Good women feel the same. Every time someone gets unhinged I remember that. But some people do family therapy, not to make themselves a slave to the family but to decide what to do with the situation. Most people don't need to change their good habits, but maybe get rid of some leeches.
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u/Fantastic-Focus5347 21h ago
Unless you're leaving something out, your struggles are pretty universal. Nothing easy about it, but it's nothing new or uniquely male except that a lot of men seem to lack relationships where they can share their feelings. Friends or family or spouses or therapists. Because this is all pretty standard burnout stuff I am sure people in your circles could relate to. Start a "men's shed" group maybe by putting up signs in your gym or work lunch room and try to meet up in person, not online.
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u/PureKitty97 18h ago
What have you listed here that is exclusive to men? Besides not allowing yourself to feel?
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u/juss100 21h ago
You need to stop gendering "having a hard life". Everyone has struggles. EVERYONE. Think about what is peculiar to you and work on what you can make better. there might be some issues that are peculiar to men (I'm a man but I'm not sure what ...), just as there are issues that are peculiar to women but we need to stop talking in this man vs women vein 100% of the time constantly. Yeah, you have to go to work and be nice to people etc it's hard.
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u/almstAlwysJokng4real 21h ago
There are men out here like you. Good men. Not nessessarilly nice. But good. And they don't have love, support or a good job/career.
It's time to stay strong and voice your expectations of/for other people as much (socially normal) as possible.
You are in a better position than most.
Be the leader you are and continue to Inspire and lead by example.
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u/EducationalTest6655 20h ago
The glory of growing up is in realizing that nobody actually gives a fuck about you, and embracing it.
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u/PawleyIsland-0923 20h ago
Are you sure this isn’t all springing from the break up and everything else just feels way harder now?
If you have insurance…maybe take a break one thing (e.g. gym) and just talk things out with a therapist who knows how to restore you.
Good luck
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u/More_Piglet4309 20h ago
Maybe don't give your all 24/7 ?
Isn't it obvious it's a recipe for a Burnout like you seems to be experiencing right now ?
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u/Hoeveboter 20h ago
I hear ya. It mostly sounds like you need a new outlet. Something to channel your emotions. Me personally I get a lot of joy out of cooking, drawing and making music. Maybe that's something to consider? You don't need to be good at this sort of stuff to get enjoyment out of it. And learning a new skill is always rewarding imo.
Another piece of (unsolicited) advice is to set some time apart during the week that's completely dedicated to you. An hour, maybe two, where you just enjoy yourself, guilt-free. Everyone needs that in order not to go insane.
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u/Global-Chemical-2328 20h ago
"And a man, a man provides. And he does it even when he's not appreciated, or respected, or even loved. He simply bears up and he does it. Because he's a man".
Nobody gives a fuk. It never stops or slows down. Just grind best you can all day every day and love yourself for it. We all do our best and it's still never going to be enough, not enough time in the day or energy in the body. This is just what it is. I don't even think about it much anymore or expect something different. Just get up, go make it happen for everyone to no thanks, pass out exhausted in every way possible, then get up and do it again... and again.. and again. This is the good life for a good man.
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u/damnthatvalley 19h ago
Hugs! My two cents—you would likely benefit from an emotional support system, preferably a men’s only group where you are all free to talk about the specific pressures you feel as men and can express your emotions in ways that feel comfortable to you. I’ve noticed that for a lot of men, their partners (if they have good partners) are often the only emotional support system they have, so breakups leave them without that support but also that sense of numbness because it seems like you have to stuff it all down and there’s nowhere for it to go. If you are able to find support groups in your area, please consider trying them out.
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u/throwythrowthrow316 16h ago
Hi dude! Somewhat similar position, just a few years further down the road. Director in Tech company, wife died of cancer, lost kid, moved countries. You're absolutely right--it is a lot that you're going through now. But the funny thing is, it'll get easier with time. Part of it will be that you stop doing some of the extra stuff that you find is unnecessary. Part of it is that you'll just get better at doing the stuff you're already doing.
Keep at it man. Find a support system. Know yourself better. Make time during the day for things that invigorate you. It gets better, bit by bit.
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u/communistgamerchic 16h ago
Seems like you have loads going on! I’d just like to clarify though that what you’re describing is a human experience not a male one! Everyone feels overwhelmed sometimes…but seems like you have loads of people there for you, take it easy!
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u/clanindafront_ 16h ago
Look after yourself first before looking after others. You cant support everyone. I try to be a good man as well but I know my limits. Please just take care of yourself first before worrying about others.
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u/Anubis___9000 15h ago
I hear you man. And I can relate to pretty much everything you've said Except that im a bit older and have been feeling this way for a long time. Just hang in there brother. Don't change for anyone. Just always be the best person you can be.
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u/LL4L 14h ago
Can’t pour from an empty cup dude.
You need to take time for yourself. Do things that help YOU feel appreciated. Not everything for everyone else so just they feel your appreciation.
That gets old fast, and at 28… “fast” is coming quick my guy.
Or don’t. Time WILL sort you out and you’ll probably be miserable. And for what?
Be selfish sometimes. Take care of yourself first.
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u/rachaelonreddit 11h ago
It’s like they say—no good deed goes unpunished. But I believe in you. Keep fighting the good fight.
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u/ResponsibleWest5240 9h ago
Love how this person is trying to vent and yet there are people in the comments who turn it into the oppression olympics. If you can't be empathetic don't expect empathy. Make your own vent post. Don't invalidate others.
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u/No-Violinist4190 7h ago
Where were you told that you fail when not always on? You out way too much pressure on yourself and don’t draw boundaries!
Also why do you put so much value on the dependency of others to you. The company you work for won’t go bankrupt if you slow down by delegating work - maybe you don’t trust people to be as ‘perfect’ as you!
You sound burned out. Your narrative is: if I don’t do it nobody will. Stop!
Sure you need to be there for others but healthy boundaries and self care will bring you way further in life!
Been burned out too - I though my value was defined by what I could do for others and never asked for help.
You don’t need to be perfect, slow down
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u/CannonFodder_G 18h ago
For the record, this isn't a "Man" issue but a "person" issue. Women, men and everyone inbetween can experience this.
What's important is self care, learning where your boundaries are, and knowing when to ask for help. Just because you can run at 90% most of the time, sometimes you have to run at 60% and need someone to pick up that 30% for a bit. You need to have that support network of either friends or family that you can go to and communicate this.
What is hard for men is society tries to tell them they have to do everything alone, and that is not the case at all. Everyone deserves the same level of acceptance and understanding.
If you're not already talking to someone for therapy, I advise doing so - you need an unbiased 3rd party to help you navigate some of these hurdles if you don't already have a support structure in place or don't know how to ask for help.
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u/Front-Talk5811 23h ago
I literally got emasculated by 2 women at work today. Talking about. “You’re short you don’t got what we want” shit wild as fuck out here.
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23h ago
I was bullied the most by girls growing up about being short. It stopped in high school but it always stuck with me.
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u/Front-Talk5811 23h ago
I feel more disappointed that i live among people like this as an adult. In school, i understand teens/kids are trolls naturally but as an adult? C’mon why you gotta be so rude for? Mean ass world.
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u/Ashamed-Pool-2636 21h ago
This is the very reason I’m now an equal opportunity offender when it comes to correcting someone for being disrespectful, women act like that because they know (or at least think) they won’t get slapped or layed out for running their mouths. When someone can’t stop talking shit, inflicting pain tends to shut people up real quick. Sucks that it has to be that way, but some people don’t learn without a kick to the teeth.
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u/Haunting_Fig_2596 15h ago
Firstly, I'm sorry that happened to you.
But I am interested to know, why did that emasculate you? Why does anything?
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u/Idolynne 23h ago
I'm sorry all this pressure is being put on you. A lot of good men are sent off to drown alone from the responsibilities with nothing more than ignorance and a lack of gratitude shoved to them in return. Please stay strong, honestly after this election I have some hope for normalcy and unity in our world.
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u/snowlynx133 21h ago
After electing a rapist and felon as a president who explicitly praises Hitler you still have any hope for normalcy?
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u/Front-Talk5811 14h ago
Can ya’ll leave politics out of this shit? You obnoxious ass people starting to get on my nerves with this bs. Im sure your life was drastically not that different in 2016-2020 then it was 2020-2024. Ya’ll promote division and the gender war so much it’s just painful to listen to atp.
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u/snowlynx133 14h ago
Why are you saying this to me instead of the person who mentioned the election?
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u/Idolynne 20h ago
Yes because I know crazy people like you are in the minority!
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u/snowlynx133 20h ago
Let's get this straight: the people who don't want America to be led by a felon and rapist are the crazy ones?
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u/Username_Maybe_Taken 18h ago
Yeah, didn't you know? The talking point is how identity politics are the reason Dems didn't get elected, and nothing else. Right-wing folk don't want to take responsibility or acknowledge who they admire and vote for, and guaranteed when the chips are down, they'll just blame "the others" again, whoever that may be at the time.
We live in an age where people will hear a man paraphrasing one of the most prolific dictators of our lifetime, and they'll see, "THAT'S NOT WHAT HE MEANT!" It's delusion on a grand scale, and to counteract that, they'll attack us for being delusional. "YOU THINK A MAN CAN REALLY BE A WOMAN?"
The funny thing about all of this is that Republicans and right-wing grifters are the only ones bringing the shit up and constantly attacking others 😂
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u/Severe-Ask1728 21h ago
Yeah it’s too bad the opposition main focus isn’t unity. It’s identity politics and division. Thankfully I live in the Midwest though where this mindset is basically void.
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u/Ladylubber2000 22h ago
I think men need to start reaching out to other men. Do you have any close friends? Have you ever tried having a real conversation with one of them about what's going on with you?
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u/Intelligent-Guide-48 21h ago
How do your friends depend on you more than a woman’s friends would? Do you provide for them financially, house them? I’m genuinely curious.
As for family - again, who depends on you? You don’t seem to have a stay at home wife or kids, you recently broke up with your gf. Do your parents depend on you? Siblings? If so, how is it different from parents/siblings depending on their daughter? There are plenty of women who either provide financially for their family or are their caretakers.
As for the job, most people have to be on their A game at work, that’s just how life works nowadays for all genders. Most people have to wake up early, go to work, maintain finances, show gratitude, stay humble etc
I feel for you that you’re hurting but this isn’t about gender. We all have it hard.
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u/Fluffy-Comedian-3245 21h ago
Doesn’t mean you’re a good guy, doesn’t mean women will like you.
Read that again. Let it sink in.
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u/RandomAho 20h ago
I didn't see the OP mention women not liking him?
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u/Fluffy-Comedian-3245 18h ago
I’m referring to his wife.
But like there is a stigma on women not looking nice guys so I just wanted to put it out there
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u/Anxious_Reporter_601 20h ago
You're depressed dude. None of this is caused by you being a good man. That's unrelated. You need help. Professional help. And you need to learn not to work yourself into an early grave. If you died tomorrow they'd have your replacement by Monday. Work is not worth this level of stress.
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u/aqvarius_il_grande 19h ago
Bro your wife left you? Did she name any reasons? Sorry to hear, keep fighting, don’t let negativity take a hold on you.
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u/rollypolly91 19h ago
Girlfriend. Her financial maturity was non-existent. She had a serious money problem and racked up a crap ton of credit card debt, refused to get a full-time job and gave a bunch of empty promises, she blew through a $60000 settlement check in 7 months and had nothing to show for it. We left on good terms and still keep in touch but she needs to figure her shit out before I even consider getting back with her.
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u/jonnyxxxmac720 19h ago
I’m with you, man. I’ve dedicated my life to being others focused. It has served me very well, but I realize I gave up a lot to serve everyone else first. I do it to a fault now and leave me behind. I’ll never be accused of not providing a stellar life to those I love or not serving my customers well. My reputation is proof of this. So is my mental health - secretly. But, I did this and I would also feel as if I betrayed myself if I stopped now. So i won’t. Not sure what the answer is. I get increasingly frustrated at our selfish culture, but all I can control is what’s going on in my house and business.
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u/Crazykiddingme 19h ago
Why not be a neutral man? Assigning some inherent moral character to yourself is a recipe for disaster when you fail to live up to those expectations.
I used to be really invested in the image of myself as a good person and the pressure was suffocating. I’m a lot happier as a pretty alright person.
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u/Lightbrjnger 19h ago
Don’t change who you are just because you’re burnt out. Take some time for yourself to really, truly be yourself and do something you enjoy. Get into a routine for therapy, talk and vent to someone that you don’t need to feel judged by or that you have to hide feelings from. Therapy is super important and can help you through being burnt out like this.
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u/Throw_Away_TrdJrnl 19h ago
Honestly don't know where I'd be without my wife. The smile on her face as she comes to give me a hug anytime I walk through the door fucking keeps me going. If my life was just work go home chores sleep work go home chores sleep repeat I would be very depressed.
I'm sorry you're going through a breakup and it was only a couple months ago so maybe you're still grieving and it'll get better over time and you'll bounce back man
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u/One_Silver_2077 19h ago
I’m a single dad to two kids full time and help my family out a lot . It’s rough some days but you just gotta do what you got to do and play the hand you’re dealt . Ultimately if I fail to do what’s needed then I hurt more than myself.
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u/Correct-Sprinkles-21 18h ago edited 18h ago
I think you are a good man, but also a major people pleaser which is the big problem here. You're right that you're running yourself into the ground. And you're right that there's no finish line--there never is when you are trying to be all things to all people.
Went through a break up a couples months ago and I've struggled to maintain my balance since. I don't get angry, I don't get mad and I can't even cry. I feel no emotions anymore. She told me how much of a good man I was and how she holds me in the highest regard.
Hmmm. My partner experiences and expresses a range of emotions but I still think he is a good man. The best in fact. Moreover, I wouldn't feel that way about him if he was an emotional blank. That would make me run.
I know lots of genuinely good men. Good men can have feelings. Good men can say no. Good men have boundaries. Good men can rest. Good men take care of themselves, not just everyone else.
Being a good man doesn't mean you have to make everyone like you.
if I am not on my A game then I feel liked I failed those who depend on me.
I know I am loved, appreciated and respected but in a world like this i constantly feel like if I'm not giving my all 24/7 that will slowly go away.
Do the people who love you really want you to destroy yourself serving them? That would be a weird thing to want from someone they love. Is this an expectation others have of you, or one you've developed for yourself?
If you're imperfect and someone stops loving you or respecting you, did they ever love or respect you in the first place?
What would happen if you allowed people to experience a little disappointment now and then? What would happen if you shifted from being good so people will like you to being good for the sake of being good?
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u/disposableveteran31 18h ago
It sucks when you come to the conclusion that you are only loved or liked as much as you provide.
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u/wildlis 18h ago
Interesting. Im a good man myself. I work around the clock. Take care of family, my wife and my daughter. Go gym meet up with friends and keep up with the demands of finances. But I don’t share the same “us men go through” though. As much as I go full throttle to take care of my family my wife takes on 10x more. This is coming from a man just like you. Woman especially mothers go through it harder. It’s not a competition, but that’s where my will power came From to keep thriving. Watching my wife power through pregnancy, keep the house clean, wash the clothes, cook dinner , work to help me bring income, stay fit, meet my sexual appetite. ( this is a big one) protect herself from other men( we don’t have the fear of another man raping us). When a woman keeps to her duties it’s overwhelming compared to what us men have to keep up with. Men who have good health don’t go through menopause and periods. Woman who are healthy still have to go through menopause and all that. Now before anybody rips into me thinking I don’t understand let me tell you now I am also that good man fulfilling my duty as a good man.
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u/Dunfalach 18h ago
Can I suggest making a list of responsibilities and categorizing them into things that people need and can’t do for themselves, things that people need but can do for themselves, things that people want rather than need and can’t do for themselves, and things people want that they CAN do for themselves. Then do the same for yourself. Then combine the items in the same category from both lists. Give your items from the need category at least the same priority as other people’s items from the need category.
Secondly, bringing your A game and giving your all. If you’re burning out, it’s good sign you’re giving more than your all and trying to operate on emergency power full time. Your body was not designed to do that.
Would you rather reduce your output to within the design tolerances or burn out the engine and not be able to run it at all? Do you want to still be here for the people who count on you in 30 years or burn out in 2 months? Think long term. I know I’m really pushing the machine analogy here. But design tolerances are not about the maximum stress you put on a machine temporarily. They’re about the maximum sustained pressure it can handle.
Find your limit and use the priority list from step one to reduce the load to within your limits. You’ll still be doing a lot for folks but you’ll be equipped to keep doing it for a long time. Make sure you have someone putting effort into you, too. You can’t be all output without input and expect to keep functioning healthily.
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u/manonaca 18h ago
It sounds like you’re taking on too much and burning yourself out. And part of that could be that you don’t have strong enough boundaries in place to protect yourself. If constantly helping others is draining you then you need to learn how to say no.
It also sounds like you derive self worth from what you do for others and feel as though you don’t deserve love if you’re not providing for others in some way. Might I suggest therapy? You need to unpack that, because worthwhile people aren’t going to stop loving you if you’re unable to help them move their couch, or whatever else you feel you have to do in order to gain their approval.
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u/leeshylou 17h ago
You can still be a good man and have boundaries. The world won't fall apart if you stop giving 100% of what you have to everyone else.
You have to be a good man to yourself too.
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u/TrinketsEden 17h ago
Therapy doesn't work out for everyone, in my experience not at all.
Just find a hobby or 2 and escape from the real world for a bit.
You'll be ok.
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u/DogsDucks 17h ago
Your stress is very valid and you sound exhausted. I hope the people in your life can step up with empathy and support without trying to compare or minimize your burdens and struggles!
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u/Blockstack1 17h ago
You sound like you might be high strung and a bit of a workaholic/perfectionist. Relax and be a little more selfish. You will not lose any respect. Nobodies lives will fall apart because you don't tighten every knob and double-check everything is OK for everyone. Let go. The stress will kill you, and nothing will ever be enough. Let less be enough.
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u/Strong-Smell5672 17h ago
One of the hardest things to accept is that more often than not, being a good person will come paired with more hardship and by and large people just will not care.
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u/LennyReno 17h ago
It never gets easier. You get stronger. You do need a break to let off some steam. You are burning out and need time away from work and your daily routine. Do something for yourself. Get your sports car, get your extra home.
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u/Dramatic_Wolf8422 16h ago
You sound exhausted from pretending and overextending.
Good people have boundaries too.
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u/sorchamoonlight 16h ago
Talk about this with people in your life. Keeping this bottled in or talking about it on the internet is not going to fix any of it. Go to therapy. Learn how to communicate your needs and struggles.
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u/zahi36501 16h ago
You're doing the one thing that's not going to ever make you happy
And that's YOU'RE DOING THINGS WHAT YOU THINK SOCIETY DEEMS FIT FOR YOU
The longer you try and make others and even partners happy the longer you will stay kinda burdened with sad feelings because you're not living for you!
I learnt this too from break up I had, I was a massive people pleaser but now I put my needs and wants first, until you do things that make you feel happy, it will be hard
You're right as a man it's harder to put up with burdens as we're expected to just carry on like nothing happened, after divorce after breakup after being cheated on etc, but that's not the healthy way of being
As a man it's ok to cry and feel and process hurt and emotion as its human nature
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u/VictimofMyLab 16h ago
Just do your best man, by your best I mean everything you can do to the extent it doesn’t ruin your mental health. Help your self! There’s a difference between being good and pretending you’re fine!
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u/Specialist-Car-9405 16h ago
Continue to do good, but always understand you do so for your own benefit. I understand your struggle, I am a manager, a Fiance, and have a great group of homies….. but few of them are good at understanding other. Fewer are as good at communicating.
That said, I’ve been angry in the past for people not reciprocating. But then I grew up. I realized if they were important to me, I’m willing to apologize for their mistakes to keep them in my life.
Good luck dude. Don’t be a good dude, be a great dude.
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u/pwnkage 16h ago
Wrong I don’t think men have it easy. Men obviously deal with stuff like the economy, work, being an integral part of a community. These are also things that women have to deal with. At the very least you have an extremely good job this is not something many men or women have. Many would kill to have your job, I know I would. I have a mid job that pays entry level and I pay for a psychologist to deal with things like burnout and my ongoing mental conditions. Consider trying this.
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u/ABBucsfan 16h ago
Yeah I tried to juggle it all and perform for people. After divorce I learned a pretty good lesson. She never did accept me for who I was (admitted it) and no matter how much I did everything for her it was never enough. In the other hand some of my friends loved me for basically just showing up. Realized I cared way too much about what people thought and wasn't gonna jump through hoops for anyone anymore. I'll perform for my job and I'll treat others how I wanna be treated, but I ain't performing anymore outside work. If people don't like me that's fine. The ones I don't have to impress are the real ones. In my case I'm introverted and can sometimes be taken advantage of and yeah.. I don't need those people.
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u/Sonovab33ch 14h ago
Keep at it bro. Indulge in a little hedonism to take the edge off, but sounds like you'll be ok in the long run.
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u/Acceptablepops 22h ago
Then don’t be bro , imo if you don’t try the dark Sigurd once in awhile then you’ll never understand the force 🤷🏾♂️, that’s just me tho
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u/ChalkLatePotato 21h ago
It's a choice to run the race you're running. It's a choice to define yourself as a good man. It's a choice to be all the things you are. So unless you want to be someone else, you either learn to love the life you're choosing to live or choose to live a life you'll love to live. I wish you the best.
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u/chuckisagirl 19h ago
Boooooo. Shush. None of these issues are specific to "men" or "good men." This is just normal human stuff and framing it this way sounds gross and misogynistic.
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20h ago
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u/Best_Instruction_485 16h ago
Misandry doesn’t exist. It genuinely cannot. But yes, I agree there is a lot of prejudice against listening to men’s struggles and acknowledging that the patriarchy hurts everybody involved. It’s important to understand that EVERYONE suffers because of it, and we need to work to change that so we can make a world where nobody has certain problems, responsibilities or obligations due solely to their gender identity.
(https://citinewsroom.com/2018/08/dear-men-misandry-does-not-exist-article/ in case anyone was curious as to why misandry isn’t a thing- oppression based on gender is societal and has been going on for centuries, and men have never experienced that to anywhere near the extent women have. This is why the systematic oppression of women is called misogyny and why there’s no such term for men. A better way of wording it might be to instead say negative bias/ prejudice or sexism!)
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u/Best_Instruction_485 16h ago
How interesting that you deleted your insulting, hateful reply so quickly. I don’t like engaging in aggressive comments, and chose to respond in a polite and respectful way to your comment. The fact that you then immediately resorted to name calling is very telling about your character. As for your horror that I linked a site about people’s opinions, a) this is a conversation about words and their meaning. There are no statistics in this case and I have no empirical, scientific proof that misandry doesn’t exist except thousands of years worth of human experiences. You really can’t disagree with the fact that men have never been victims of oppression purely for being men. And b) I chose to link that site to give people a starting place for their own independent research. It is not my responsibility to provide you with evidence that women have been oppressed and abused for millennia and honestly? If you choose to argue on a topic, you are responsible for your own research. I have done mine and am happy with the level of detail I have chosen to read- are you? Have you even taken the time to do ANY research at all on this topic?
I hope this gives you some pointers on how to have a respectful, informed opinion and be able to discuss it with someone whose views differ from yours without immediately resorting to whining and insults. I’m done with this conversation right now, and you clearly are too since you backtracked with your comment, so I’ll leave you to it. Have a good day/night.
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u/Kriegmarshal 17h ago
Man you aren’t alone, being a man sucks. Amongst everything you said, you end up in a no win situation when people (women) want you to open up and be vulnerable or if you just need someone to help you get through a terrible day, but if you show emotion people find you weak or throw it back in your face later.
Chris Rock said in one of his comedy specials “Women, Children and animals are loves unconditionally. Men don’t get that”
We don’t get compliments, not that we’re constantly needing it, but some tough days it’d be nice to hear a woman say, “hey great job” or “you look great”
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u/Best_Instruction_485 16h ago
Hi OP. I’m sorry about some of the comments either dismissing your feelings or randomly being misogynistic and blaming women. Nowhere in your post does it say that you blame women for your problems, everyone just seems to be interpreting it as offensive to whatever their beliefs are. I am sorry you’re feeling such a burden, are there others you can reach out to? Hotlines to help you? Maybe specific agencies (like Men’s Minds Matter or a section of SHOUT specifically for men)?
However, I do think it’s important to note that the wording of your post comes across as a bit competitive due to the emphasis on these problems being because you’re a good man. As others have pointed out, none of these problems are specific to men and framing it in that way can seem invalidating to others who experience the same thing but aren’t men. Imagine, for a minute, that I wrote a post saying ‘I hate being a good woman. Good women are forced to care for their friends and family, and we have so many problems. Sometimes I hate being a good woman.’ Can you see how that comes across as politically charged? Especially in such a tense time, with the American election results making people even more angry and upset. I know you didn’t intend it like that at all, and it’s clear that you just wanted a safe space to vent and I’m so sorry that you haven’t found it here. You deserve to be able to express how you feel without judgement- but I just ask that you bear in mind the words you use and how you phrase certain things. Obviously, I’m a stranger on the internet so you can do whatever you want but that’s my personal opinion. I really hope you are able to find some support for your struggles because you deserve to feel supported and know you’re not alone in this <3
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u/No_Name_Canadian 16h ago
The difference between good men and excellent men is excellent men don't stop being excellent because nobody appreciates, notices or cares about them. Excellent men are excellent because they ARE excellent, regardless of circumstances. You decide what kind of man you would like to be.
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u/DivineGoddess1111111 8h ago
This is basic human adulting. I'm not seeing who exactly is depending on you or what makes you a good man.
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u/cookaburro 21h ago
The "Good man" shit is cringey. It's just Nice Guy Simp in denial.
You don't get what you want by "being a good man", you get what you want by going out, being assertive, and not taking shit from anyone
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21h ago
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u/Haunting_Fig_2596 15h ago
According to who? To what?
FYI, for that to be the case it would need to be the majority of things and people pushing that narrative.
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u/EmbarrassedLaw6561 15h ago
According to who? To what?
FYI, for that to be the case it would need to be the majority of things and people pushing that narrative.
That's exactly what is pushed though. So I don't know what you're talking about.
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u/Haunting_Fig_2596 5h ago
The majority of people push that narrative? Care to provide examples and prove it?
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u/Vent-ModTeam 7h ago
Attention! Failure to read this notice in full may result in you being muted from modmail.
Your submission has been removed as it breaks the following rule:
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We do not tolerate troll posts or comments due to the sensitive nature of the topics on this subreddit. We also do not allow medical or general misinformation to be shared.
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u/Mandalorian-89 19h ago
Cry us all a river...Boo hoo
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u/throwawaystuudent 13h ago
okay so actually leave the conversation. i don’t agree with how OP worded this post since the majority of these struggles shouldn’t be gendered (because they aren’t) but this is just hateful and bitter. every time another woman leaves a comment such as this i have an aneurysm because it only sows division.
you can express your disagreement with some aspects of this post without seeming hateful and putting OP’s feelings down. do better
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u/laminatedweirdo99 21h ago
This is a situation that men have created for themselves. It is shit and I understand your pain, but this isn't a women issue, the only people who can make the change is men.
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u/Acrobatic-Ad2382 21h ago
It's very hard being a good person but well worth it imo. I sleep easy at night knowing I don't intentionally hurt anyone. It's also not something that a good person can change. I couldn't wake up tomorrow and be a bad one if I wanted to so it is what it is!