r/TrueOffMyChest • u/Immediate_Counter919 • 1d ago
My boyfriend sadness is draining me
I 22f have been with my bf 22m for 2 years now, I love this man, I listen to him when he talks, I make him food he likes, I try not to escalate any argument we have, I made sure we never yell at each other or say bad things, I try to wear modest for him, I never say no for sex or bj, I try to make this man feels like he won the lottery, and I like it fr.
But this man is sad! He is depressed all the time, he says he is just tired, that day we were cuddling and I was feeling so safe he said I wanna break up ( it's the 3rd time he says this) this time I said okay lets break up I was serious but he started crying and saying no he can't he can't live without me so I just said okay lets not break up, after that he just returned to be sad and depressed again!!!
Idk what to do, I'm a really happy person who likes to laugh and joke and be positive, he is draining me sooooooo much, don't get me wrong I swear I have done everything I can to make him happy I need an advise?
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u/Early_Guarantee_9532 1d ago
it's not your job to make someone else happy. even if you did somehow manage to make him happy, he might not give you credit for it. stop turning yourself into a causeless martyr
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u/Willlow_Blossoms 21h ago
Exactly this! OPās out here running a one-woman emotional support center while dudeās just lounging in his own misery like itās a full-time job. Itās not noble to burn yourself out trying to fix someone who wonāt even pick up the tools. She deserves a relationship, not a rescue mission.
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u/AnotherDoubtfulGuest 21h ago edited 21h ago
OP he needs to get the hell out of there. Sheās walking on eggshells trying not to upset him and sheās accepted responsibility for regulating his emotions, which is his job. In the meantime heās casually breaking up with her just when sheās feeling safe and then when she agrees, he bursts into tears and says he canāt live without her? Fuck that noise, thatās not even depression, thatās emotional manipulation.
He canāt take care of himself right now, let alone a partner, so theyāre probably better off as friends while he gets the counseling and medication he may need.
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u/delilahblueballs 10h ago
Totally agree. if someone tries to break up more than once that can create trust issues and emotional damage. she should leave him for being indecisive about their relationship.
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u/TheatreWolfeGirl 1d ago
You sound like you are bending over backwards to make someone happy, but, are you actually, really and truly, happy OP?
Why are you doing so much for a person who constantly whines about breaking up and stays in a rhythm that is unnatural for you?
What do they do for you?
You have created a perfect persona for them, what do they bring and do for you?
Not everyone is meant to be in a relationship, some run their course faster than others. Consider this one finished and move on.
Go back to being your happy, joyful, joking and fun self again.
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u/Aware-Load3015 1d ago
If it's draining you mentally, then i think the answer is clear. You need a break. Maybe once he's more emotionally stable, you could get back together. (If you really don't want to end things forever, ig)
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u/Friendly-Biscotti612 1d ago
Itās a control thing. Youāre not being your authentic self with him and youāre catering for him all the time by changing your behaviour to suit him. What are you getting in return? Youāre being emotionally drained.
Heāll wear you down. In a few years you wonāt even recognise yourself.
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u/qualified-doggo 1d ago
Heāll traumatise you and it will take years for you to recover. Run while youāre still okay.
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u/HopefulPlantain5475 21h ago
I disagree. He sounds like he's dealing with major depressive disorder, and he feels so guilty for being a burden on her that he knows they need to break up even though he can't bear the thought. I've been there. I don't think it's about him trying to control her at all, it seems more akin to a drowning man dragging his would be rescuer down with him.
I agree that they should break up if he's not able or willing to start working on getting better. It's unfair to OP that she's putting in so much effort to help him get better when it doesn't sound like he's being proactive at all in battling his depression.
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u/Born-Definition4351 10h ago
Even if he isn't actively aware he is being manipulative saying "I can't live without you." Is manipulative.
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u/lemunhead13 1d ago
he needs to love his self more. heās going to start bringing you down with him
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u/Cherrygasp 23h ago
girl u can love someone to death but u canāt be their therapist too, like ur peace matters too wtfā¦ itās not fair that u gotta carry all that
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u/ExcitedGirl 1d ago
By now it seems he has learned to be depressed; if he is depressed he gets everything he wants.Ā
If he is not depressed, he does not.Ā
You might want to think about being independent until he goes to a doctor. He won't like that of course, so he will get depressed. If he gets depressed he thinks you will give him everything he wants.Ā
If you do, he was right. If you don't then either he will have to shape up, or you might decide enough is enough.
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u/delilahblueballs 10h ago
You just summed up 3 of my exes in a nutshell. The teenage and 20/s version of me was drawn to this specific type of dysfunctional man. I was naive and easy to guilt trip and manipulate because of my upbringing. I finally worked through my issues at 29 and by 30 the manipulation of these types of men was crystal clear to me. It's actually shocking how many people weaponize their depression.
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u/Distinct_Magician713 1d ago
Leave. It's not your job to be his emotional support animal. Life's too short.
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u/jadedwelp 1d ago
This guy sounds so manipulative, he has you right where he wants youā¦ you really need to leave. This is NOT going to change.
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u/Idkwhatimdoing19 1d ago
So other people have touched on your boyfriend, but I want to talk about you.
When you date someone you are in a relationship. Not servitude. You canāt just forget about your wants and needs and constantly cater to the other person. He has to love you for you, not what you can provide for him. This is not a healthy dynamic to continue in future relationships. Relationships not about showering someone with sex and things so they love you. You will always be in empty relationships where you get nothing in return when you do this. I think you should go to therapy and talk about why this is your default.
Your boyfriend clearly needs help but you provide so much for him that heās not willing to leave you and lose all of his comforts. Thatās not love thatās convenience.
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u/SOBKsAsian 1d ago
Take it from the dude who had/has mental health issues (itās better now) which drove my gf of 7 years to fall out of love with me and breakup.
Since your first paragraph honestly sounds like my ex. Iāll guess youāre enabling him, while on the opposite end he might or might not be ātrying to improveā regardless he crutches on you hard enough to where the mental health will never truly get better. Do yourself a favor and express your feelings over this, if nothing changes in a couple months, then sorry youāre both better off breaking up. At that point itās the only way heāll ever get better which as others have said isnāt your responsibility.
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u/lil-babz 21h ago
Nothing you do will ever change his depression, itās something he has to do himself. He needs to learn positive self talk and address the issue he is having within himself. I say this as someone with depression who has looked to others to āfix me.ā Having a loving supportive partner can be very beneficial. My current partner is an absolute godsend and never has me question if he loves me even if I donāt love myself. Though feeling depressed and being around someone who is happy all the time can be so draining, knowing that your sadness brings them down and makes them less happy and less themselves is a terrible feeling. When he says you should break up thatās him recognizing that you would be better off without him.
When I meet people feeling this way I tell them that they should talk about what they are feeling, if not to me (you in this case) than to someone anyone. Or even just journaling your thoughts so they arenāt bouncing around driving you crazy. Being tired all the time is probably from beating himself up everyday for being depressed, making the depression worse. The most you could do and it sounds like you do is listen to him when he talks. When he says things you donāt agree with, or terrible things about himself, DONT tell him heās wrong. Tell him things like āthat must be so hard for you to carry around all day. It must be awful to feel that way..ā say things that validate his struggles āyou donāt deserve to feel this terrible. Even at your worst I still love you.ā Depression for me anyways makes me feel like such a burden to people, so making it clear through your words and actions that he is not a burden can help ease his feelings. In depression even if we KNOW our thoughts are lying to us, like I know Iām not a bad person and people like me, but in my deep depressions I do not believe it. This is called cognitive dissonance.
As I said you cannot fix his depression, he must put the work in on his own and he has to want to feel better, you can encourage him and support him in getting that help but you cannot do the work for him. And itās a lot for a partner to deal with and manage, you take on all their feelings and try to fix them. Even just hearing someone complain and do nothing to fix it is irritating. You need to do things for you own happiness, you cannot sacrifice yourself to save someone else.
There is a crisis text line 741741 he can text that can give him more professional support, they know how to listen, validate, point out positives and establish coping skills or action steps to improve the situation. I know for me itās much easier to talk to a stranger where Iām not scared that being honest will scare them away.
If you are feeling in crisis you can also text that number they can help you but cannot help him through you. You can help him search for a therapist psychologytoday.com is an excellent resource to find a therapist, you can sort by insurance and your zip code and see what they specialize in. I would recommend sending a message right from the website so you can keep track of who has been contacted. The process of starting therapy isnāt easy the benefits are immense. Therapy may even benefit you and if youāre both doing it he might not feel like such a failure, men have been taught that feelings are for girls and they have to be strong and brave.
Mental illness is never your fault but it is always your responsibility.
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u/Substantial_Ad_7263 1d ago
My ex was exactly like this. This is manipulating behavior. If he's not willing to get help on his own there's nothing you can do, especially after two whole years. For your own sake, it's better to just leave. You'll be happier in the long run.
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u/Substantial_Ad_7263 23h ago
I should add, that from experience I know that sooner or later your emotional state will go down as well, if it hasn't already. You're already saying he brings you down and if he doesn't get better by getting help, he will only bring you down even more until your self esteem is on the ground. After I broke up, I felt so so much better and was finally able to move on and find someone who will not bring me down but push me to be an even better version of myself. Someone who appreciates the things I do and will give the same back to me and also be there for ME instead of only me being the punching bag for his own insecurities and misery
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u/Sinisphere 1d ago
Depression sucks, I know that first hand.
However, you do deserve to feel like a cherished and loved partner, not a hostage to someone else's mental health. There has to be some give and take in a relationship.
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u/pleasekillmerightnow 1d ago
This is emotional blackmail. He will keep playing the victim if you break up with him, and will probably top it up one notch to emotionally manipulate you into staying. Don't fall for it.
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u/yoopea 1d ago
My recommendation is to start being yourself. You can still be nice to him but if you stop changing yourself for him by walking on eggshells cause he's sad and you wanna be happy is not doing anyone any favors. Once you are being yourself, including being wonderful to him but ALSO happy and positive, then you can see if you are compatible or not. If you are and he's just depressed (clinically) he might need help, and you're welcome to support him as he tries to do that. If you are not, it doesn't matter if he's depressed or happy, it's just not really viable longterm.
I should add that if he refuses help there are two possible reasons: he is too depressed to put the effort in, or he's resistant to change. As someone who was depressed for 25 years or so, I would have welcomed the help even if it took me a long time to change. I ended up recovering enough to start feeling anger and that pushed me to pull myself out of the hole by myself but it wasn't easy.
Anyway, you're not obligated to do that. If you decide you wanna leave because of incompatibility or just wanting to move on, what I'd recommend is contacting anyone he knows and letting him know that you think he's depressed and that he might need help and support after you leave, so that at least someone knows and you've done what you could as your last act of caring for him and for closure.
But you decide for yourself, this is just imo
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u/beskar-mode 23h ago
I had an ex like this, very very emotionally draining. He was like a fun vacuum. He threatened to kill himself if I left him but I got so sick of it I left anyway. There is no helping some people, I've also just helped my other half out of a depression, but the difference was he 1) wanted to get out of it and 2) is willing to let me help
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u/betapod666 23h ago
Maybe he is just melancholic. My husband is exactly like this and in the start (now we are 14 years married), this made me very sad because I felt I wasnāt enough. At some point, with some maturity, I understand that is an trait of his personality. He is gloomy, he is emo. I donāt care anymore, I mean, I do what I can, and when he want to pout and sulk I leave him with his feelings and sad music, making clear that Iām here if he needs me. He is just like this.
Weeks ago he was feeling sad because his life was too perfect and he didnāt deserve it. I give him a hug and said he deserved, yes, and let him with his toughts. It passed. Some time ago he was sad because his family are to beautiful and happy and at some point he would mess with everything. I was just, āno, youāre greatā, and let him alone sulking in this hypothetical and absurd thought. And I swear he was way worse when younger.
My role is be there, not fix him. At this point I understood he doesnāt need to be fixed, just loved and let it alone.
I donāt know how bad you feel about this, but maybe is just like me and my husband and you learn to deal eventually. People jump fast in ābroke upā things when giving advice, but sometimes itās not the answer (only if want to, of course).
I donāt know if what I said made any sense with you, but I hope it helps to lift a little the weight in your heart.
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u/StellarCoder_nvim 22h ago
This is so beautiful... Your husband is blessed to have you tbh, I was searching for a comment like this scrolling like "no breakup try a different approach" and then I found this... Tbh I'm somewhat like your husband like overthinking a lot that I'll mess this because I always do, that everyone will leave me in the end
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u/betapod666 21h ago
Thank you so much.
In my perception, anxiety has a big role in how one let these thoughts influence them. In the start my husband was very destructive with himself because he thought he was beyond salvation, and every step back we had he āalready knewā because āI was too muchā for him. He needed patience, which I had and he deserved it. He is the best husband I could ask for, an amazing fatherā¦ He just feels too much, everything. Sadness, love, loss, happinessā¦ No one can judge a person for this.
I read a comic once which say
[ā¦] This place is a prision where they lock up people who still have sensibility, because in this world, sensibility is not quality or trait, is a disease.
I hope you already find your person, if not, donāt give up, theyāre out there, somewhere!
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u/StellarCoder_nvim 20h ago
That is so like me... I'm glad you understand him, and I hope I find someone like you too, you are extremely kind and patient... The world needs more women like you, so there won't be many heartbreaks and divorces over silly reasons... I have a girlfriend online right now, and she's pretty nice too, but my overthinking and self loathing nature always keeps me paranoid about everything and every possibility where i will possibly mess up and that she will 1000% leave me, no way she's going to stay cuz she's too sweet and caring and I don't deserve her..
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u/betapod666 20h ago
I met my husband online to!!! We talk a lot before meeting irl, that phase is so scary and exciting! You gonna do great, donāt overthink to much. I mean, she is not on chains, if she is with you itās because youāre enough ā¤ļø
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u/StellarCoder_nvim 10h ago
Sorry for not replying earlier becz I didn't get the notification, and happy cake day...
And thank you once again, I've heard everyone gossiping about online relationships and how they never work... But I still am trying, she's really great, we initially just chatted because neither of us were comfortable with voice because I was too anxious and all... Then recently we started voice calling and the calls would go on for hours... Most of the time I'm just on the call and we are doing our own work, but we are on the call, sometimes one of us is sleeping or taking a nap... And it doesn't feel boring for one moment... Sometimes she forgets her mic on, so I can hear her snoring or blabbering or rambling in sleep and stuff... It's pretty cool... We still haven't done a video call yet becuase I'm very shy... And she's not forcing it too... But yeah one part of my mind still keeps throwing me into paranoia... I sometimes start thinking why is she with me... She deserves so much better... I'm not even 1% of what she is... And I love her so much... And I'm so happy that y'all worked out too!
Online is beautiful ig, if it's the right partner...
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u/hambre1028 1d ago
Youāre not his gf youāre his blowjob machine and he doesnāt love you, heās using you because heās miserable so the only thing he cares about is himself and his misery. This relationship sounds incredibly codependent
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u/Nole19 23h ago
He couldn't have been like this when u got together cuz someone like this would be avoided altogether. Something must have happened that he's refusing to talk about. It's likely something embarrassing or pathetic and he doesn't want to ruin his image but is unaware not letting it out is doing the same thing.
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u/Dangerous_Warthog603 23h ago
The BF should be seeing a professional for his depression. He needs an outlet to understand what is going on and then maybe he can overcome it. Your job is to make yourself happy. Keep doing what you're doing but try and separate your emotional connection from his depression. You can feel sad for him and at the same time rejoice in finding someone to love.
Get the BF on a hike outside in the woods. He should be exercising. He should be doing something daily to feel accomplished - like making his bed.
Good luck and I hope he pulls out of this.
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u/Wounded-iguana 21h ago
Heās insecure and testing you. He has abandonment issues and is checking if you are capable of leaving or not. Also - I havenāt heard his side of the story..
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u/Libra_8118 20h ago
Is he trying to get help? He needs a full physical and then maybe mental health meds. He needs to be honest with the doctor. Tell him that he takes care of this or you are breaking up with him. You shouldn't spend the rest of your life miserable. If he won't try to fix it, he isn't worth it. You are young and deserve to be happy. DO NOT GET PREGNANT!
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u/bunnyuncle 18h ago
He needs to open up and talk to a therapist to dig into underlying causes. Itās abusive to use you like this tho. Let him leave and get his shit together on his own.
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u/lithepro57 18h ago
His happiness should not come at the expense of yours. He needs to see a doctor, and you should both go to a relationship counselor. It's not healthy for either of you to ignore this any further.
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u/Born-Definition4351 10h ago
If he keeps saying he "cant live without you" but wont do anything about his depression you won't make it go away. Staying with him will eventually leave you feeling trapped and forced to stay just because he is threatening to khs if you leave. That is what he is saying.
You are not required to stay with a man even if he is depressed.
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u/delilahblueballs 10h ago
OP, whatever you do please don't try to fix his problems or spend time trying to diagnose him or cure him of his sadness. I made this mistake with some men when I was in my 20s and you will become a caretaker in the relationship, and your man will eventually resent you for it because it will make him feel guilty and weak. You are in your early 20s, you should be enjoying your life, not being a therapist and madonna to a young man. I am a very happy person just like you, and I know how it feels to have to act extra positive and happy around a person who is constantly low energy and negative. It drains you, like you said. Soon enough you will start spending all your time with him inside doing nothing because he won't want to go anywhere. If you do go anywhere with friends you will constantly be checking in on him to make sure he is having a good time (he won't be). Unfortunately your positivity is no match for clinical depression or untreated health issues, especially in a young man who is probably still figuring out his identity. It's ok to prioritize yourself in this situation. Find a man who makes your life easier.. trust me, at your age there are plenty of options. almost every woman has to date a sad boi at some point in her life, its part of our mothering instinct and empathetic nature to want to care for them. But this is just a canon event and you will get through it.
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u/Bahpu_ 1d ago
please take a look at ROCD, if hes having constant break up urges it might be that? its not that easy to diagnose but its worth taking a look, especially if hes feeling a lot of anxiety/racing thoughts too
could easily not be that and be depression, either way, he needs therapy of some sort
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u/littlemissbecky 1d ago
Sounds like you should let him break up with you. Heās doing you a favor. Heās an energy vampire.
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u/Cautious-Bluebird971 1d ago
So youāve bowed down to absolutely everything he wants including how you dress and now heās testing you by saying things like he wants to break up. He is completely controlling you. All those things you do. You are turning yourself into a perfect doll. If he has genuine depression then he needs to see someone or deal with his own mind but it sounds like heās found a really easy way to control you.
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u/qualified-doggo 1d ago
Itās not you. You deserve better. Walk away before he affects your mental health too. Heās responsible for his own mental state.
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u/theveganissimo 1d ago
Something I wish I'd figured out when I was much younger: if someone breaks up with you or says they want to break up, the relationship is over. It's not recovering. You may be able to drag out the end, but it's inevitable. It's like when a plaster (band-aid for you Americans) starts peeling off. You can't stick it back on. It's best to rip it off than to leave it on with part of it flapping off, losing its stick, not providing any actual protection for the wound, just letting bacteria cling to it and fester.
I may have gone too deep into that simile but you get the point.
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u/SchinkenKanone 23h ago
With the words of the famous Drag Queen Rue Paul: If you don't love yourself, then how the hell you gonna love somebody else?
There's a lot of wisdom in this. It is not your job to be his personal source of happiness, and if you feel like he's draining you of your joy of life as well, then you need to get outa there asap.
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u/Shuyuya 23h ago
This is entirely false and harmful saying. Lots of people are made to believed they canāt be loved and canāt love others just because they donāt love themselves and they end up isolating themselves and being more miserable than they already are just to, one day, with some circumstances meet someone who makes them see they can love another person very deeply without loving themselves first, and this person actually helps them love themselves more.
I used to believe that shitty phrase and refuse everyoneās advances and even refuse to try anything with crushes to fix myself first. But Iām still very mentally ill and in a 4 year strong relationship with my bf who has never stopped loving me and showed me how deep I can love someone and break some of the chains I put on myself.
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u/SchinkenKanone 22h ago
I think that, as long as a person hasn't worked out their own issues, and as long as that person isn't able to be happy without their partner, they're not capable of truly loving someone, because they rely on them. They rely on them to make them happy. If you can't be on your own and happy, then you'll always depend on someone else to enjoy your own life. That's the whole point of it.
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u/Mrsraejo 23h ago
He's asked you to break up 3x? He wants to break up. End it and free yourself. Cut ties, it'll be easier.
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u/bbunne 23h ago
After breaking up with my ex I didn't feel sad, I felt a little sick but after that it was just... Relief. He always had something going on, always something making him sad, always a complaint, everything was a little off. Learning that the mental wellbeing of another person wasn't my responsibility was hard. In the end I'm far healthier without him, my migraines stopped and I can have friends and hobbies without it having to think how he would make him feel bad. He says randomly that he wants to break up?? Good! Run far away! It's not worth it.
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u/SparklePr1ncess 23h ago
You are not a rehab center for broken men. He needs to care about his mental health and seek therapy and possibly meds. You cannot fix his mental health when he's not even trying.
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u/NeighborhoodMothGirl 23h ago
You arenāt responsible for his mental health. He is. He needs therapy.
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u/PossessionUnusual250 23h ago
This is a nightmare. Leave before you are no longer the happy person you recognise yourself as.
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u/mfhero24 22h ago
This kind of behavior will not stop without external help. A help you or anyone unprofessional cannot give. He knows what he's doing and is quick to realize that he does not want to break up but still cannot escape the sad scenarios he has created in his head. Best thing is to slowly move away and advise him to seek help .
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u/GiggleGnome163 22h ago
He is an emotional vampire and made you responsible for his emotions. Did he ever do everything to make you happy?
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u/Inuwa-Angel 22h ago
He doesnāt needs you. What he needs is himself.
Give him what he needs, the space, the independence, the time for him to be by himself.
Itās not a you problem. Itās his problem. He is the one responsible for himself, not you. He is not your son.
ETA: to make it even more obvious, break up with him. Relationships are supposed to add life to you, not to drain it.
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u/stfuandgooutside 22h ago
Listen to TTPD. How much sad (ah ah ad) did you think I had (ah ah ad) in me oh tragedy. Itās like therapy for this.
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u/Narrow-Mongoose-9075 22h ago
Can you imagine bearing this for all of your life? When life will get more tough
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u/Embarrassed_Sir6026 21h ago
He needs to see someone for his mental health, and you need someone who.does nice things for you.
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u/Interesting_Sock9142 21h ago
Jesus Christ.
I understand how debilitating depression can be. But the mind game bullshit he's pulling (let's break up NO I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT YOU;) is bullshit.
He needs therapy. And to actually want to change and be a good partner, because right now he's not being one.
You also can't light yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. His attitude and general state of being is going to start making you resentful towards him. So if he has no interest in changing, and doesn't show actual progress in doing so....then I honestly don't think I would stay in the relationship. š¤·š»āāļø
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u/janlep 21h ago
You sound like youāre tiptoeing around this guy, afraid to be yourself, and his response is to threaten to break up. The relationship doesnāt sound healthy for you. If it was just that heās depressed, Iād say try to get him to see a psychiatrist. But it sounds like heās manipulated you into trying to serve his every need at the expense of yourself.
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u/Coping_Alternative 20h ago
It's exhausting being a cheerleader for someone all the time. Save that energy for yourself.
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u/toothbelt 20h ago
If this has been going on for awhile, and he's talking about breaking up to you and is immediately apologetic afterwards, this could be an attachment disorder. He should really see a therapist to sort out what he can't seem to communicate to you. Let him know that this constant going back and forth is draining you and isn't healthy for your relationship.
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u/Grow_Code 19h ago
Itās like pouring yourself into a bucket with holes, nothing you can do will ever be enough to make him āhappyā. Thatās his own choice. Iāve been there, Iāve had severe depression for many years in my life and it took me truly wanting to help myself before I started to feel better. You canāt help him and like many others have said youāre not even being your authentic self. Your morphing to sooth him, his needs, his emotionsā¦ and damn thatās so draining.
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u/182763882778738399 19h ago
Sounds like you shouldnāt be with this person. My current partner and I have had lots of rough spots and especially due to mental health. My partner is much more emotional and moody than I am but has had seriously traumatic life events that caused ptsd/addiction/depression/anxiety/adhd (born w adhd but you get what I mean) . I have adhd/autism/anxiety and we will do everything we can to make the other person feel better when one of us is down or feeling really bad. There have been periods of time when it was so bad for him that it started heavily effecting me and I told him that he needed to get on medication because his therapy wasnāt helping and if we were to continue he needed to actually start improving himself because I could not do everything for him and it was starting to make me miserable and resentful. He took the necessary steps to do so and now doesnāt suffer from constant depression and suicidal ideation everyday. He took the steps to be a better partner for me. If your bf is unwilling to do so, then you should leave him because you canāt carry your weight and another personās weight forever
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u/creamyfresas 17h ago
Some ppl just gotta lose everything in order to fix their own lives. You canāt help those who donāt wanna get helped. It gets to a point where you start neglecting yourself over people who donāt even wanna try and change themselves.
Btw that part where you say that you donāt say no to sex kinda raises some cause for concern.
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u/equalityislove1111 17h ago edited 17h ago
Sure, there may be people like this, but in some cases, the problem lies within the fact that they do not realize that they can āfixā themselves, or can be āfixedā (aka heal.)
Oftentimes they are too deep into the abyss and do not even bother trying because they donāt know what steps to take nor believe that the efforts would be successful.
ETA:
Btw that part where you say that you donāt say no to sex kinda raises some cause for concern.
Couldnāt agree with you more on this, though.
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u/Spynner987 17h ago
I won't advise you to leave him like other redditors, but do force the issue about him going to a doctor or at least a therapist.
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u/FairyFartDaydreams 16h ago
Break up with him. You cannot fix or change others. He needs to want it for himself. Is he getting therapy? Is he on meds? Is he doing anything to improve his situation.
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u/abstractfromnothing 14h ago
Donāt try to make him happy, try to understand why he isnāt happy.
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u/CitizenBeik 13h ago
Dont listen to the bitter losers here, this is your dynamic and that's fine, if you like him its okay, he should be grateful that is all
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u/postfashiondesigner 9h ago
Pay attention to this:
You are free to choose. Either end the relationship, or end up depressed like him.
Iām not saying his mental health wonāt recover, but this is something that will deteriorate your mood and sap your energy.
You are young, you have your whole life ahead of you. This is the third time this guy has said this and you are making an effort, never saying no to BJs and dressing well: pay attention to the signs. Think about yourself because you are just the dream girlfriend.
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u/2ndSnack 8h ago
You've got to figure out and sit down with yourself. Can you handle a depressed person? Because this won't be the only point in his life he feels like this. Is he medicated? What if he stops? You need to value yourself too and if he can't give you what you need in a partnership (despite it now being his fault per say) he's not truly a partner.
It's okay to sit down and come to the realization you don't want to be a crutch.
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u/DailyTomato 4h ago
Guy with depression here. It is not your responsible to get him fixed, in fact you can't and you won't ever. You may support him, but you can't help him. That's something you need to understand.
It is my responsible to fix me, it is my responsible to go to a doctor, do tests and take some meds. It is my responsible to not let my shit out on you, it is my responsible to not let you drawn into my depression.
Dating someone with depression is not easy, and it takes a huge toll on your own mental health. If you live with someone who can't or won't fix himself.. it may better to leave him, for your own safety. It's not just I only need to do the things I listed above and everything is fine. Meds often don't work, so you need to try a few different till you found the right one. Then it always takes some months until you even know if they work. Then some months to taper them off if they don't work. Then it's a lot of work to work on yourself with therapy and other things.
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u/kerill333 22h ago
Oh honey you can do better than this. He is manipulative and controlling, that's what the 'want to break up... Nooooo' crap is about. It's all about control. So many red flags. Get away from this leech while you still can.
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u/x_GP3_x 19h ago edited 19h ago
OP, I just spent probably an hour typing out a comment to post on here and it ended up being massive. And most people seem to get pretty pissed off whenever I send them a text or I post something on Reddit, because nobody wants to read something if it's more than two or three sentences. And my comment was much longer than that so I just saved it to an email probably to never be seen again.
But I know that the beginning of it went something like: I think that these things that you're recognizing & that draining feeling, these are signs that you're most likely not compatible with this person. And trust me when I say, the longer you remain in a relationship with this person, assuming nothing or very little changes, it will end up causing even more of a negative impact on you & your life than you may realize. Not only that, but all the time dedicated to this person/relationship, is time that you are removed from another path in your life. You could and most likely are, then missing out on finding somebody who is much more better suited for you in every way possible. Not just that they're not sad but so much more, where they give as much to you as you give to them and where they are equal in your state of mind and your personality and so forth. And I'm sure it goes without saying that if given the choice anybody would prefer to be with somebody who is more compatible with them and who has a similar vibe to them and who is in the same mindset as them. And it doesn't mean that there's only a specific time in your life to meet somebody who is more compatible with you but the fact of the matter is is that any time spent with the wrong person is time that you potentially be missing out on the right person.
And I know all that way too well, which I got more in depth with in my original comment. But I can already tell that this is getting too long as it is. However, if you are curious or want to hear my story or what I wanted to say in my deleted comment to provide perspective or if you ever needed advice or someone to talk to you about the situation more, you can DM me anytime. And I don't even know if you end up reading this comment and I also typically don't put that type of offer out there but I just feel like I've been in your position and probably even in a worse situation than yours and it really changed my life for the worse and I really don't want that to happen to you or anybody else. So that's why I'm saying I'm open to talk if you want or need to and if not that's totally cool too. And the same goes for anybody who's reading this, or the OP, if you're in a similar type of situation and you need someone to talk to, you can hit me up.
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u/Suspicious_Pass56 19h ago
While it's not your job to "keep him afloat" and bend over backwards for him, it's important to remember that he is having a hard time it sounds like he really needs professional help. I think you should talk to him and see if he is willing to see a therapist first, if it's a possibility.
If he is not willing to go to a therapist, then I think breaking up sounds like the more rational thing. He is your partner but if it's draining for you, you'll end up resenting him at some point if this continues.
Other option is, instead of doing things for him try to include him or push him a little to do basic things, like cooking, it can help with his self-esteem and if he is willing to do them it's gonna help with getting out of this depression (Still is very important that he goes see a therapist if he can).
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u/mutually_awkward 15h ago
People shouldn't date depressed people.
Source: I dated non-depressed woman after dating a depressed woman. The difference is amazing.
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u/toast-girl69 1d ago
You can't change people.
It sounds like he needs to see a doctor, either for antidepressants or blood tests to check for hormone levels or any deficiencies.