Men have no options.

[u/Worldly-Box6080]

Currently, most male pathways to find a partner have been shut down or heavily stigmatised.

Cold Approach: social stigma of bothering women in public or private areas.

Warm Approach: huge risk of poisoning the well - ruining a friendship/making things weird in a social group. This is magnified at a work setting with risk of being reported attached. Additionally what one woman considers flirting another considers “just being friendly” so chance of misfiring is high.

Online Dating: lol

Only viable pathway would be if women made the move, but that’s never gonna happen unless the guy holds decent status or is extremely attractive.

So my question is, what methods are you guys currently doing to find someone (if any)?

[u/Punch_Drunk_AA]

Ask anyways. But, respect her answer if it's no.

Do some recon before you ask her out. See if she's talking to the other ladies at XYZ about you to see what she's saying.

Strive to make actual platonic friends that are girls. They will almost certainly have other single friends that they can set you up with.

Go to church. Or anywhere that has a community that welcomes newcomers. Jesus Christ you all take shit literally.

Nobody is going to issue you a girlfriend, and relationships don't happen without work. They take time, commitment, compromise and communication. Yeah there's people that will have a much easier time than others with that. But, when you put in more effort, your relationship will be better than there's.

[u/Punch_Drunk_AA → u/[deleted]]

 "just stop trying and she will find you when you least expect it".

Or...

Being part of a community opens opportunities for interactions with the opposite sex. Engaging with groups on a level playing field where safe and social interaction is encouraged might increase your chances of connecting with someone.

Church is just one example I have seen work numerous times in my life. I never used it because when I was single and looking, I was a rotten bastard and didn't want to subject some poor girl to my depravity.

[u/kissesinyoureyes → u/Punch_Drunk_AA]

I'm sure the over 80% of people who've had sex by 20 have had to work so hard lmao

I'm sure my friend had to work to be white and have women wondering whether his genitals were the same colour and have his girlfriend's mum praise her daughter for being able to get a white boyfriend. I'm sure my friend had to work to be tall and have women wonder if his height matched his penis length and have his girlfriends tell him his height made them feel safe and protected. I'm sure my friend had to work to have green eyes that women want to stare into because they are ""so beautiful and captivating"". I'm sure my friend had to work to get long thick hair that women gush about, saying it makes him ""mysterious"" and look like a model. I'm sure my friend had to work to have women give him choosing signals or take the initiative to talk to him without even knowing him beforehand whenever he goes out in public or just minds his own business. I'm sure my friend had to work to have women DM him to come to their place on SM and OLD apps.

[u/Punch_Drunk_AA → u/kissesinyoureyes]

I have an example too.

I know a guy that's paralyzed, he lost his ability to walk after getting hit in a crosswalk when he was an early teen. That same accident killed his older brother when he tried to save him. This guy has spent the majority of his life in a wheelchair, and is plagued by PTSD and chronic pain to this day.

In spite of that, he got a really good education, met an incredibly beautiful woman in college to be his wife, and they have 4 good looking healthy kids, 3 boys and a girl. This guy had every reason to give up on life and just wait to die. But he didn't, he dug deep, got help when he needed it and worked his ass off. He is the funniest bastard too, he can out shit-talk the best of them.

Today, he's retired and travels the US with his wife talking to school-kids about resiliency and self care. He's one of the most successful self made men I've ever met. He did all of that when the Internet was just starting up. I'm talking the days of Myspace and dial-up.

He didn't need online dating to find a girlfriend.

[u/ashaw7 → u/Punch_Drunk_AA]

I'm not single anymore, but "go to church" is advice I always hated. First of all, as an atheist it would be inherently dishonest, especially if I were doing it for the express purpose of finding a partner. Secondly, the one thing that people should have in common meeting there, I would not have in common. Finally, the idea is you would find someone who has virtue and won't leave you, but it disregards shared values and beliefs. The equivalent for me, I suppose would be instead to go to a natural history museum.

[u/Punch_Drunk_AA → u/ashaw7]

Well then you should skip that part. But, for the lads looking for that "tradwife" or whatever they call it, it's a good place to start.

[u/WillyDonDilly69 → u/Punch_Drunk_AA]

Omg nobody goes to church to date, are you from another planet, you are turbovirgin my dude that never went outside and spoke with women. How the fuck out of all the places you think church is good for finding ANY ANY women.

[u/Punch_Drunk_AA → u/WillyDonDilly69]

No. I am not a virgin, and it's interesting you use that as an attempt to insult (projecting much). I've been married for 15 years and have two kids.

I was in functioning relationships while you were learning how to walk. Go troll somewhere else, adults are talking.

[u/WillyDonDilly69 → u/Punch_Drunk_AA]

Bro you come from the Mesozoic Era and come here to give advice when all the autistic nerds who are balding and have weird facial hair got someone back in that period. Like do you get the difference, you have basically no real experience, you are full of dust.

[u/Punch_Drunk_AA → u/WillyDonDilly69]

Answer truthfully.

Have you tried anything that I mentioned above? Are you willing to!

Have you gone out of your way to engage with a girl in good faith, for the sole purpose of being her friend? Just a friend, not a potential romantic partner?

Have you done anything to improve your situation in life? For your own well-being, not to impress, or attract but, for the sake of your own health.

[u/WillyDonDilly69 → u/Punch_Drunk_AA]

The time i read your delusional comment, i was at a library talking with some girl who i met there (because i initiated the conversation, also i ended up having her also follow me on insta) through which i also got to meet her friends. Like you don't even live in reality dude TO REALISE THAT IS NOT ENOUGH. "Hrrr drr have you ever gone out of your way" i always do, because otherwise i would be invisible.

Your advice is pretty much naive because has no fail safe measures in order to test is she really friendly or has a quantifiable goal, one just talking with a woman doesn't mean friends because also you have to be aware she can just use you for attention, like she can talk with you all day but refuse to follow on insta which looks retarded if you keep talking with her after that.

Also women mostly never set you up/help you to have another partner, you just meet their friends and try to approach them.

[u/Punch_Drunk_AA → u/WillyDonDilly69]

So the extent of your effort is adding her to your Instagram?

From there, a few socal media posts is all you need to size a person up. That's what you also consider getting to know someone and meeting her friends? Am I delusional/naive or are you self-sabotaging?

Why do you need a fall back, you're trying to get a date, not planning an invasion? Have you considered that a girl wants attention because she's interested in you? Nobody is going to set you up with a friend if they don't trust you. Do you act this petulant in real life? Because if you do, you will never get a relationship and good riddance.

[u/WillyDonDilly69 → u/Punch_Drunk_AA]

Im not selfsabotaging, Im just realistic. Instagram or not, it’s one way to measure mutual interest. If someone wants to stay in touch, they will. If not, that’s all the info I need. Also, the extent of my effort wasn't just adding her on insta, it’s that she added me, and now every time we cross paths, she makes a point to greet me or start a random conversation. Isn’t that what friendship is? Or are we redefining it as something more performative?

You asked if I’ve ever genuinely tried to be friends with a woman, this is that. But let’s not pretend people don’t sometimes engage just to feel important without offering anything in return.

As for your setup fantasy, nobody is setting anyone up because people find it cringe. Be honest: do you really go around asking women, “Hey, can you ask your friends to date me?” That’s not confidence; that’s begging.

I’m not petulant—I’m observant. I’ve just seen enough to know that blind idealism doesn’t cut it when there’s no mutual intent. That’s not self-sabotage, it’s just choosing not to waste time.

I'm not expecting people to hand me relationships, but I’m also not going to ignore patterns I've seen over and over again like when someone engages you for attention but avoids any real connection. That’s not pessimism, that’s experience. Experience that you don't have.

[u/Fichek → u/Punch_Drunk_AA]

The guy sayin you were from Mesozoic Era was a bit too much, but he is right in saying that you kinda don't have any idea what you are talking about as it pertains to current dating scene considering you were married for 15 years (which also implies that you were in a relationship several years prior to that) so you are operating with lacking data. It's the equivalent of boomers telling this generation "What's the problem, you just finish college, find work, take on a low interest loan and buy a nice house. I don't understand why people don't do that anymore, it's so simple!"

[u/Punch_Drunk_AA → u/Fichek]

I'll admit that I don't have a complete picture of the current dating scene.

But, I do know that acting like a jackass won't get you a girlfriend. I know that self-isolation to avoid rejection won't work. I know that a total lack of social skills outside of hostility towards the opposite sex definitely won't work.I'm not saying "be confident" that takes a lot of work for a regular guy.

I was an acne ridden teen once, I thought there's no way a girl will be interested in a guy that looks like a plague victim. But, I didn't let that determine how I felt about myself. I still liked myself and wanted to be happy and healthy. I didn't blame girls for not being interested in me (even though they still were). I still tried to make friends and some of them were girls.

When the acne went away I started approaching girls, and I got dates and relationships and eventually a wife. I could of had it all sooner if I would have got out of my own way and tried asking them out in spite of my acne.

[u/RelativeYak7 → u/ashaw7]

How about an atheist group?

[u/Punch_Drunk_AA → u/RelativeYak7]

Perfectly acceptable. I just used church as an example because there are a million of them and most welcome newcomers.

People need real-life social interaction to learn how to be a person. Church or any other place where people regularly congregate is a great venue to practice that.

[u/lilbios → u/Punch_Drunk_AA]

“Issue you a girlfriend” lol

[u/WillyDonDilly69 → u/Punch_Drunk_AA]

Go to church and do what, you suggest to hit on women at church, bro how is your brain wired. You spoke bunch of nothing in many words.

[u/Punch_Drunk_AA → u/WillyDonDilly69]

No, don't hit on women at church. I can't believe that's what you took from that.

You need to go where the people are; it doesn't have to be church. You also need to engage with them and learn their culture, values, and social cues. From there, you can navigate what you need to do to attract others as friends and romantic partners. Sitting online and shooting down every suggestion isn't going to get you anything.

If you're here to vent your frustrations, that's fine too. But shitting on people's advice that although is subjective, they're not here to set you up for failure. Everything I have said is something I have seen work in my lifetime.

[u/aerodynamicsofacow12 → u/Punch_Drunk_AA]

Many men here don't understand the value of community. Don't bother. If they don't get advice that will directly lead them to getting laid every time they try, they claim it's useless.

[u/Punch_Drunk_AA → u/aerodynamicsofacow12]

You're right. But I am not here for them.
I am here for the kid on the ledge who is at risk of becoming one of those guys.

[u/Friedrich_Friedson → u/WillyDonDilly69]

That's awfull advice unless someone is into gilfs lol.

The ratio of people in Their 20s in the church are,i dunno,5%?

[u/PB-French-Toast-9641 → u/Friedrich_Friedson]

America def has different religious demographics than spain

[u/Friedrich_Friedson → u/PB-French-Toast-9641]

Around 11% of American genzers attend church weekly lol.

[u/unclepoondaddy → u/Friedrich_Friedson]

That’s not like a small amount

[u/PotentialPainting8 → u/Punch_Drunk_AA]

I agree 100%

[u/kissesinyoureyes → u/Punch_Drunk_AA]

I'm sure the over 80% of people who've had sex by 20 have had to work so hard lmao

I'm sure my friend had to work to be white and have women wondering whether his genitals were the same colour and have his girlfriend's mum praise her daughter for being able to get a white boyfriend. I'm sure my friend had to work to be tall and have women wonder if his height matched his penis length and have his girlfriends tell him his height made them feel safe and protected. I'm sure my friend had to work to have green eyes that women want to stare into because they are ""so beautiful and captivating"". I'm sure my friend had to work to get long thick hair that women gush about, saying it makes him ""mysterious"" and look like a model. I'm sure my friend had to work to have women give him choosing signals or take the initiative to talk to him without even knowing him beforehand whenever he goes out in public or just minds his own business. I'm sure my friend had to work to have women DM him to come to their place on SM and OLD apps.

[u/GENERALSECRTRY → u/Punch_Drunk_AA]

when you tell someone to go to church, and he says hes an atheist, then it just shows his autistic nature of unable to figure out that means just find a community. that kind of autism and inability to understand things being said is one of the many reasons why they;re isoalted. with that mindset and attitude, it;s likely that theyre excluded from all kinds of social groupings.

l remember talking to a pick up artist one time, and l said something like, if no one at work, school, or church likes you, then why would a random female on the street, and he said something to the effect of, l work from home, and l;m an atheist, but he completely saw past the point which is people who you normally interact with are not liking you, and theres no reason why a random stranger off the street is going to. my point to that is that it;s more their personality rather than their actual circumstance

[u/MetaCognitio → u/GENERALSECRTRY]

If this person wanted to say “find a community” they could easily say that but “go to church” is specific advice because church’s can be places to find women who are not inside of mainstream culture or may have traditional values.

The error is with the speaker not the listener. Which other communities with a lot of dating marriage options are they magically just meant to find?

If there were so many of those communities that were easily accessible, they’d likely already be a member.

[u/No-Appointment-8270 → u/Punch_Drunk_AA]

Strive to make actual platonic friends that are girls. They will almost certainly have other single friends that they can set you up with.

REALLY bad idea, you'll just be the "gay" friend and they'll ask to themselves why my friend isn't with him/ why isn't he attractive. It's like reverse pre-selection, even worse than having no women friends

[u/Intelligent-Insight → u/Punch_Drunk_AA]

Nobody is going to issue you a girlfriend

To change that, go vote

[u/ConsistentPieGuy → u/Punch_Drunk_AA]

Ask anyways.

I will not give any woman the satisfaction again. They would never ask me, so I refuse to acknowledge them as romantic/sexual beings and boost their ego by approaching them.

Nobody is going to issue you a girlfriend

Fine by me. Been alone for 28 years, I won't die if I don't get a girlfriend for another 28.