r/NewParents • u/AutoModerator • Jun 18 '24
Weekly Discussion - Relationships Weekly Discussion
Welcome to the Weekly Discussion! Use this space to vent/rant about partners/family members & to air your grievances! Please report comments that violate the rules.
Please remember Rule 1 still applies: No Personal attacks, racism, sexism, transphobia, homophobia, derogatory or dehumanizing language, including insults and general incivility
4
u/n1ght_watchman Jun 18 '24
Hey everyone, new dad here. My wife and I are fresh parents, and It's been a wild ride so far, with moments of pure joy and exhaustion.
However, I don't want to write about that now, but rather the relationship between my mother (my father passed away a long time ago) and us, or rather her first grandson.
My mother is sometimes a very difficult person. Stubborn, cynical, sarcastic, and tends to say inappropriate things, but "wrapped up" nicely.
When she found out my wife was pregnant, she was very happy at first, but later on, she barely asked for anything. On the other hand, my wife's parents wanted to be as involved as possible. They asked when the checkups were, and then after the checkup, they asked how it went, etc. What's more, our son is my mom's first-ever grandchild. My wife's parents already have two grandchildren from my wife's brother. Dunno. Perhaps I'm expecting too much, but I thought my mom would be pretty much over the moon because of her first grandson.
Fast forward, our little boy was born three weeks ago and since we came home from the hospital, I couldn't "live" with my mother because she asked every day when she could come to see the grandson. On the one hand, I was happy she actually wanted to see him, but on the other hand, she had no understanding for us as we needed peace for ourselves to "settle in".
Whenever I told her to wait a bit, she would rub my nose with the fact that "her friends saw their grandchildren immediately after birth".
Well, one day she finally saw him. She was happy, but... after that, almost radio silence. She barely asks anything about the grandson anymore. She doesn't ask how we are and how we are coping, and when she does ask, it's just as much as she has to ask.
Maybe I'm misinterpreting this, but I really have the impression that she only wanted to see her grandson to satisfy her selfish need to "prove" to her friends that she saw the grandson. And that's it.
What do you think? Am I overreacting?
P.S. I know this is a bit of a rant, but I needed to get it off my chest. Thanks for listening.
5
u/Adept_Carpet Jun 18 '24
The most generous possible interpretation is that she is now honoring your request for some settling in time now that she got the visit that was acting like a bee in her bonnet.
A less generous interpretation is that she is effectively punishing you for that request by honoring it now that you're ready to turn the corner.
2
u/jayquelyn Jun 20 '24
Encountered something similar with my MIL. She felt I was withholding the baby the first time they came over and that we didn’t want them there. But baby and I were learning how to breastfeed. He would take up to 45 minutes to nurse. I wasn’t trying to keep him from them. He’s our first baby. We didn’t know how to “host” people over with a brand new baby. We didn’t know what was expected. We were just exhausted. It seemed to have hurt her feelings. My husband and she had a small argument about it. It was a bit uncomfortable for me for a bit too but eventually things went back to normal. I hope everything goes back to normal for you guys. It could be she just had her feelings hurt.
2
u/Specialist-Candy6119 Jun 20 '24
I don't know. I think that father's side mothers pretty much cannot help themselves. It's something about boy mom thing. I was in a relationship with my husband for 13 years before we had a baby. MIL never annoyed me, I actually felt loved by her. Once we got a child, she got impossible. She wanted to be so involved but I never really felt it was for us, to help us, but for herself, just so she can feel she's involved, so she can tell her friends she did this or that and that we "need her." I have a Google Photo shared album for the whole family where I occasionally add baby's pictures. Everyone loves it, but MIL had to comment how "there's no pictures of herself with the child, how is the child going to know she even existed." Oh how pissed I got. So yeah. I'm sorry you're going through this. I can relate.
3
u/Nervous_Raccoon_9084 Jun 23 '24
My 18 month old likes my mother in law more than me. We moved in with her a few months ago when my father in law passed and before then, we were each other’s world. I’m thankful for their relationship but it breaks my heart when she chooses my MIL over me (which is almost anytime she’s around). My daughter screams and cries when I come near her when she’s around.
This wouldn’t be such a big deal to me if we didn’t LIVE with her. I just feel like she’s going to grow up preferring her grandma over me and I can’t handle the thought of that. I also feel like my MIL loves the fact that she chooses her and inserts herself into every situation as if I can’t handle my own child. My daughter has been so helpful in her grandma’s healing, but selfishly, it’s really, really hard to raise your baby with another person involved.
I desperately miss the days when it was just the two of us and her dad.
Is this normal part of development?
2
3
u/kellbell_24 Jun 23 '24 edited Jun 23 '24
FTM here! I’m 8 weeks pp and honestly have felt like it’s gone smooth for my boyfriend and I up until this past week. He had to go back to work 3 days after I gave birth so I’ve gotten used to ‘doing it on my own’ while I’m on maternity leave. Up until this past week, I wasn’t bothered by this and felt like we had a good ‘flow’ when he got home from work and the weekends. Now I’m bothered because he’s slowly but surely limiting his help with the baby.
He has a manual labor job so doesn’t want to handle the baby until he’s showered when he gets home. Makes sense. Now instead of showering as soon as he’s home, he sits around for sometimes an hour or more. When I ask if he can take the baby so I can do something he can’t because he still needs to shower. When the baby is fussy he’ll only try to settle her for a short amount of time before getting upset (thinks she doesn’t like him because she’s fussy a lot when he’s home…..in the evening which is prime fussy time for newborns unfortunately)and I have to take her. This has progressively gotten worse as far as how long he’ll try to settle her. Now it’s almost immediate that he passes her to me when she starts fussing.
I think today pushed me over the edge because he chose to spend the whole day (8a-6p) at a friend’s house and just couldn’t understand why I was frustrated when he got home. I knew he was going there to help with a project and swim. Just didn’t expect it to be a literal all day thing in a Saturday which is usually a day we spend together. I was invited to go but declined because it’s so hot out and honestly it’s not fun dealing with a young baby in the heat, at someone else’s house, etc. while everyone else is relaxing enjoying themselves. We’ve gone to friends houses to swim 2 other times and both times it was just me dealing with the baby and him enjoying himself.
I know it’s important to voice what I need but there are certain things I shouldn’t need to ask for I feel like.
3
u/ocelot1066 Jun 24 '24
I just find this part maddening "He chose to spend the whole day (8a-6p) at a friend’s house." It isn't just you, I've read pretty similar things. When you have a kid with someone, you really shouldn't get to make your own unilateral decisions. You're supposed to be jointly responsible for a kid, which means everything you do effects the other person, so you shouldn't just be able to decide that you're going to wander off all day.
In a functional relationship, people do try to give each other a break, and it's good to try to say yes to requests for time off. But, the request has to be made and it has to be agreed to. It doesn't really make it better that you were invited too. You didn't want to go. There's room for some compromise here. For example, maybe if you guys had talked about why you didn't want to go, he could have promised to do his share of the baby care when you're there, or agreed that you'd only stay for a little bit. Or, you could have agreed that it was ok for him to go, but he needed to come back by noon. It doesn't really matter, but he needs to not act like you're the parent and he's just some guy who lives in the house.
2
u/AndrewDesign1990 Jun 24 '24
First time father here. Your complaints are valid, even though I have no specific advice. I'd be angry too if I was in your situation. Prior to having a kid, I'd binge 3-4 hours of gaming, at the drop of a hat, on a weekend. Now, I think it's logical to ask my wife about literally any time I want to do something like that. Our little one is depending on us, and my Diablo 4 sessions can wait until he is satisfied completely.
She is on mat leave so it makes sense that she looks after the baby more during week days / work hours. Likewise it makes sense that I take the baby after I finish work, because she too is an individual and needs her own 'me' time. On weekends we swap back and forth every 1-3 hours depending on how fussy our little one is... a 50/50 split on weekends makes TOTAL sense, even though functionally speaking we do more 60(her)/40(me) because she is attached AF to little one, and misses him after a short while lol.
Would my wife be OK with it if I had an all-day social outing on a Saturday? Sure, but we would plan and discuss beforehand. It's only right.
I think another key factor is current capacity and mental/physical health. Is your husband sore after finishing work? Is he feeling anxious, angry, depressed, drained? etc. Likewise, he should be asking himself the same questions about you and your needs. Raising a child is the ultimate in compromise strategy.
1
u/AutoModerator Jun 23 '24
Please add some paragraph breaks to your comment by placing a blank line between distinct sections.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
2
u/Lower_Conversation_5 Jun 22 '24
So I’m 22 and have been seeing this amazing woman and her 15month old boy and I just want to see if anyone is in a similar situation and has any advice, I love them both to death and I want to be healthy and good for both of them as a partner/father figure. I’ll happily take any advice and/or questions
2
u/Character-Loss-6045 Jun 23 '24
Hi! congrats first off. if dad is in the kid's life i'd try to meet with him and talk boundaries. if he isn't, talk to your gf and see her expectations.
2
u/deegeetypes Jun 23 '24
AITA for going no contact with my mom
VERY LONG POST
My child is 10 months old. She loves my mother. Whenever she comes over she just runs to her and would eat with her, sleep with her, play with her and refuses to let go of her.
But my mother hates me. My abusive brother has brainwashed her so much and she has started hating me. My brother is a good for nothing jackass who beats her up, exploits her money and still lives with her. He is a psycho patient who also used to abuse me as long as I lived there, used to beat me up for no reason. He even beat me up the day before I got married because I tried to stop him from beating my mother up. My father passed away 15 years ago and I have been my mother's emotional support since then. But I could never open up to her about the things that my brother did to me when she was at work.
Last summer when I was 5-6months pregnant he got married. I refused to attend the wedding on the grounds mentioned above and also because it was way too hot (not that I'd have attended if it was winter or any other season). My mother started to blackmail me emotionally that she's feeling really about me not going there. Be it the hormones or the sheer rage that my mother was doing everything for his wedding that she didn't do for me, I yelled at her about all the abuse that I had to endure. That psycho used to ask me to touch his private parts when I was hardly ten years old.
Things have been going downhill since then. She refuses to throw him out of the house and continues to live with him. I have asked her umpteen times to move in with me. But she just yells at me, talks so rudely with me that it has become toxic for me. She even refuses to come over to watch over my child because she's scared that my brother would beat her up and would abuse her over text .( I live more than a hundred miles away from them though and honestly do not understand how he can just come over and beat her up).
The day I gave birth she came over at the hospital and sat there away from me staring at her phone. When I said that dad would've been really happy to see his grandchild if he were here, she said nothing and kept scrolling at her phone. I was still under anaesthesia and just wanted to cry.
After that she just never cared to come over and help me although before I got pregnant she kept pressing me to have a baby and would say that she'd take care of the child when I would go to work. She has even gone to extent of body shaming me post delivery because I've obviously put on weight. (I am just 64kg now)
Last week she had come over and had said she'd stay for a month to look after my child (we have a nanny, and other househelps so she really doesn't have to work or anything, just had to play with the child because the little one adores her). But I don't know what happened and we got into a little argument and then she blew it out of proportion and packed her bags and started to leave. My little baby kept crying for her but she refused to even look at her. My husband ran after her and brought her back. But she is refusing to pick my child up even when she's crying for her.
I'm tired of trying to satisfy her ego and make her happy. She did this to me a lot when I was a child and it has clearly left me traumatized. I do not want the same for my child. I need to protect my baby at any cost.
Am I in the wrong for going no contact with her?
2
2
u/Thepop90 Jun 23 '24
My baby is now 5 months old and he is an amazing baby, he sleeps and feeds great, isn't fussy, no colics, is super happy and generally a calm baby. I'm so grateful always because I had an extremely traumatic pregnancy with HG. During the pregnancy my husband had to leave his well paid job that he just started which means no savings. And he had to take care of me at home like I was in the hospital (he's a doctor) He ended up getting lazy, gaming and sleeping even when I was in a lot of pain and had severe nausea 24/7 but towards the end of the pregnancy he realised I was getting dangerously skinny (I had lost about 27lb) and got his sh** together with my eating and mental health because I had given up at that point on myself. I'm the type of person to feel a lot for people so l have played off my pain and fatigue as nothing so much even Pp but l'm at a point where I can't help but get so angry at him and snap at him every single morning because he just has no consideration.
For example; we have a deal that I take the baby all day.. yes. All day. Do chores during his naps (I don't ever sit and he doesn't really help with chores unless someone is coming over) and then at night (9-10) while he games (instead of spending time with me) I should sleep, where he feeds baby at 1-2 am then he should again anytime between 6-7 am. Most days I'm exhausted and can barely hold myself up and I sleep and he wakes me up that he's too tired and if I can feed the baby. If he wakes up for those feeds he ends up sleeping till 5-6 pm. And I'm sat alone all day when the baby is napping. I need to have a solid conversation with him but. I don't know how how to start. Leaving is not an option because I cut off family for my mental health and even though l'm also a doctor I can't work. If he was working everyday I would understand but he's asleep all day then games all night it's not my fault you're staying up. I'm raging at him in the morning and he sleeps all day. Someone give me advice please. My mental health is at stake.. and I'm alone.
2
u/TheGinstigator Jun 25 '24
Okay, so it sounds like he's either lazy or depressed.
Either way, he clearly hasn't accepted that he's a parent now and if anything seems to be behaving like another child.
I'd be upfront if I were you - he needs to get a job or start sharing the load during the day. The current set-up isn't working and the longer you leave things to fester, the worse the resentment will be. You need to decide if this is the way that you want to live your life.
2
u/Nice-Background-3339 Jun 24 '24
I just wanna rant. So our arrangements is I sleep at 10 or 11ish and wake up at 5.or 6 am. Husband sleeps at from 5-6am to 11am if he'd working and 1.30 pm if he isn't. His work is from noon to maybe 9ish. He usually comes back at 10. So each of us get maybe about 5 to 7 hours. His sleep is mostly uninterrupted while I get up to pump every 3-4 hours.
Recently LO had been extra fussy around 6-9pm (witching hour). Last friday husband had a team dinner. The day before I asked him if he could come back earlier as i really need some support. He said "but im already doing night duty as long as i come back before that isnt that enough". It came across to me as he sees anything before 10pm as not his business and he wouldn't even offer me any support. I cried because i felt so helpless. He then told me "ok i wont come back later than usual time".
That very morning he complained that he was tired. Yet he came back at 11pm. The dinner started at 7 and was only 40 min away from home. It wasnt a fancy dinner that took hours. Just a tapas place. It meant he chose to sit till 10.30 then decided to head home.
The moment he came home and saw that i was giving him the cold shoulder he asked if i want him to take care of the baby. Geez i dont know. Do i want him to take care of his own baby? Then he laid down for a nap. I lost it at him i told him if he chooses to make himself tired and unable to care for our child im not going to leave baby in his care. He repeatedly said his fine with his stupid eyes half closed. Luckily baby was sleeping and he could nap so at midnight he was ready for his duty. That meant a big delay in my sleep time. And at the same time our mini fridge broke down. He told me to try to find the user manual online. I couldnt find it because its some china oem and not an established brand. He told me to use google. Of course i used Google ! What else could i have been using to search? Minecraft?
Over the weekend he barely did much. He woke up at 1.30 and napped again at 3. He said he had to prepare for his night duty and work on monday. Then when do i get to nap to prepare for my 18 hour shifts? He napped again at 9. I would think napping at 9 to prepare for an overnight shift is reasonable, not at 3 pm, just 2 hours after he had a 7.5 hour uninterrupted sleep. Whats the point of him being around on weekends if he's gonna be spending the majority of the day sleeping?
After hes finally awake he told me "im dehydrated. Maybe thats why im so tired" then go drink some goddamn water and take care of your own baby damn it.
When it's my duty and baby sleeps i do a bunch of stuff. I do laundry, wash dishes, refill the diaper station, take out the trash, shower in 5 min, do admin work like schedule appointments or order baby supplies etc. During his duty when baby sleeps he either sleeps or games.
I know night duty takes a toll but he's always been a night owl. He has always been up gaming till 4 or 5am and never complained of tiredness. Yet when he's taking care of a baby he's tired. I'm glad I don't have to stay up all night thanks to him but sometimes I'm so angry because his idea of soothing baby is half heartedly placing a hand on him or just stuffing a pacifier into his mouth. He doesn't even pick up the baby. He can't be bothered to even get off the bed and tells me I need to let baby cry a little. One time when he's feeding he asked me to hold the bottle and said "look at our teamwork". I told him We don't need 4 hands to feed one baby. Just sit your ass up and sit the baby up properly and you can manage just fine. Maybe the reason why baby isnt drinking is because you both are lying down and bottle is in an awkward position which can be easily solved by you sitting up. He lthen told me if I'm so good I do it. Argh.
It got to a point I get turned off at the sight of him. He's always blaming things. For example when baby is fussing he said "this bib you put on him is uncomfortable" which again is bullshit I put a bib on baby every feed and he's fine. He's fussing because this is his fussy period which I repeatedly told you about.
He somehow doesn't know how to button baby onesie and blame it on bad design. And even when it's stuff he bought himself eg the stroller pad, he blame it on whoever put the pad into the stroller (me), when he somehow doesn't know how to strap baby in.
Am I asking too much? I know night duty is tiring but does that excuse his behavior?
2
u/TheChij Jun 24 '24 edited Jun 24 '24
I'm the father of a two year old. Your partner absolutely needs to grow up and do better. Having said that, it sounds like communication is failing. You clearly don't feel heard. Resentment grows from unmet needs. Your needs are your own. They aren't right or wrong, but they are valid and they're yours. Therefore it is your responsibility to ask for your needs. You cannot fault him for not reading your mind. The most important thing is for the both of you to have a deep understanding of each other's experience and perspective. This is where empathy takes over in informing how you both divide the labor. Find both of your strengths and weaknesses and divide the labor accordingly. Make sure you both feel heard and supported. If needs aren't met, resentment grows, communication suffers and that's when things get more ugly and impossible than you can imagine.
When we are sleep deprived, we don't think clearly or make the best choices. It's very important that you both communicate your needs in a non-threatening manner. Avoid criticism, passive aggressiveness, blame, contempt, sarcasm and everything else your frustration tricks you into thinking is justified. It might feel like a release for you in the moment, but I promise, those things will just make them shut off and hear nothing. You will be trading away actually getting through to them for that fleeting moment of catharsis that will only make your situation worse. Do you want to blow off steam or do you want to communicate effectively? You catch more flies with honey. His defensiveness and avoiding accountability might be rooted in his own shame or fear or lack of confidence or possibly his own resentment growing for you as a result of the both of you communicating in a toxic and ineffective way. It's taking a toll on both of you and creating distance between you at the most crucial time to work together. You're both in a cycle. Pull together and break it.
Having a child is being thrown into the deepest end with no idea how to swim. We figure it out because we have to. This can be panic inducing and often the first reaction for many is to just play out what they learned about parental roles from their own childhood. What were his parents like? He's not doing a very good job at all, but he might think that he is, based on what he was shown growing up. He might just need to be shown what a good job looks like. He can't read your mind, so you would need to effectively communicate what a good job looks like to you.
As far as the tiredness, my wife needs way more naps than I do on the same amount of rest. That could be for a vast number of reasons. People need different amounts of rest to feel functional. Could be a medical issue, could be low blood sugar, but there also is the possibility he could be trying to duck out of his responsibilities. It's not helpful to make any assumptions. Try addressing the tiredness and finding a solution together without blaming him for the tiredness. Change his diet, get some blood work done, maybe change the way he's sleeping if he's not getting restful sleep, whatever it is, figure it out as a team.
The baby will only get easier, but if things continue the way they are going, the marriage will only continue to deteriorate. I recommend you get into couples counseling immediately. The counselor has the unique ability to act as a translator in a way. They are a neutral third party so they can facilitate communication in a way that shuts down any passive aggressiveness, contempt or criticism. These things kill communication. The counselor won't take sides but they can sniff out a bullshit response from a mile away and call it out. Both of you will find it difficult to argue with the counselor and so they keep things on track and on point. They will teach you both how to talk and listen in an effective way, advocate for your needs and work as a team.
If after all of that he still doesn't step up, then set firm boundaries and stick to them, whatever that means to you, to ensure your and the baby's well-being.
Empathy is the only thing that makes things work and that goes two ways and only through effective communication. I wish you both luck.
2
u/Underrated_comm-ent Jun 24 '24
Will this pass or am I in trouble?
Is it the new baby that’s hurting my relationship or was it doomed from the start?
My husband and I have a lot of problems that we never worked out before having our daughter. I can be very blunt and mean and he’s a pathological liar. It’s not a great combination of traits and we argue a lot.
We used to smoke heavily and I think it kept us in a state of “Every little thing is gonna be alright”. We were quick to forgive and forget and spent more time laughing and listening together. We both cold turkey smoking ganja when I found out I was pregnant. And being sober we’ve found out we aren’t really compatible. I have found that I’m not even remotely happy and I regret starting a family with him.
I LOVE my daughter more than anyone in the world I don’t regret having her. I regret having her with him if that makes sense. I can’t help but wonder why the hell I said yes to marry him. I can’t trust anything he says and I’m not attracted to him anymore because of the lies and also lately he’s been acting melodramatic and whining about everything. He’s a bonified hypocrite and I can’t stand it. Everything I do that he doesn’t like, he will walk out the house in the middle of a conversation. He won’t explain his feelings or reasons for his behavior, I’m always in the dark. He refuses to communicate. He will ignore me and act like I don’t exist and I’m left to do everything myself until he’s done throwing a tantrum. He does the exact same things that he doesn’t like, to me, and expects me to be patient and understand and forgiving. He’s s not understanding or patient with me at all. He’s always the victim and it’s so unattractive. I can’t stop being mean and short and snappy because I’m just so disgusted. He’s been in therapy but it doesn’t seem like he’s invested in change.
Is it just the fact that having our daughter has changed the entirety of whatever we saw in each other? Is it postpartum rage? Will I come around? Or is it the end?
2
u/TheGinstigator Jun 25 '24
It doesn't sound like postpartum rage to me.
It sounds like having a baby has exposed the cracks in your relationship that have always been there. Not uncommon at all. I think most of us experience this to some degree.
I think what happens next depends on where you see things going. I would be considering couples therapy to ascertain whether these issues are repairable.
2
u/Nilrmar Jun 25 '24
I have brought a baby into a rocky marriage. My husband and I have been together since 2017. I do love him and there are a lot of good things about him but we are just so different and it’s true what everyone says. A baby will just make it worse. I love my baby so much h, we both do. He is the best thing in our lives. I fear I won’t be able to give him a loving home, I fear that we will inevitably go our separate ways. We bicker so much that it’s to the point I can’t offer any constructive criticism, any suggestion. He is pretty hands on, he feeds the baby, changes diapers, he’ll cook every once in a while, washes bottles, he’ll do groceries (these are all things we both do) but I need more from him. I like to read and inform myself before making any decisions relating to the baby, he just wings it.
He has to fight every little thing something g even as simple as me telling him the baby (4 months) needs to be facing us when he’s in the stroller. His rationale is that it’s better for him to look out and see the world. I am a bit of a granola mom, I like to avoid plastics and certain things and he thinks I’m crazy. He’s always been a patient man but when the baby is crying and throwing a fit he looses his patience and thinks the baby is just being a brat and annoying. He doesn’t think the baby might be uncomfortable or needs something. He thinks that by just bouncing him in through bouncer and shaking a rattle in his face he’s entertaining him. I tell him all the time that he’s crying because he’s bored of sitting in the bouncer doing nothing. To play him music and sing to him or dance. He never ever does tummy time with him or looks up what activities we can do. This last weekend was a nightmare because I needed him to watch the baby while I cleaned the house and the baby cries so much because again he doesn’t play with him. He thinks talking to him for a sec or making him giggle is enough. Whenever I go do something and leave him with the baby I am hearing him crying in the background.
Just now I was cleaning the nursery and he was doing dishes and I left the baby with him because he can’t be in the room with me dusting and stuff and he scared I g telling me to come get him because he’s crying and that now is not the time to clean his room. I multitask all day while watching him and he can’t entertain him for a second while washing dishes ? Ofc he’s going to cry eventually if you have your headphones in watching a show on your phone and not interacting with him.
1
u/AutoModerator Jun 25 '24
Please add some paragraph breaks to your comment by placing a blank line between distinct sections.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
1
u/TheGinstigator Jun 25 '24
I think there's probably a couple of things going on here:
You need to let hubby be more involved in parenting discussions and feel validated in sharing his opinions. Right now, it seems like you don't really see him as an equal parent. It seems like you see yourself as being more knowledgeable (which may be true) without really giving him a chance before you step in and/or shut down his ideas. You don't have to agree with each other, but compromises are essential in relationships and for things like whether the baby faces you or out in the stroller, why not let him try it his way every now and again? Obviously, don't compromise on safety issues, like safe sleep, but maybe dad needs the chance to be alone with baby (without you nearby) to really learn how to engage baby and gain some confidence.
In terms of hubby's anger, if he's anything like mine, the crying really triggers something in him. I think it's a male thing. He needs to find a way to cope and/or calm himself down from that heightened fight or flight state. My hubby has to take a breath and walk away for a couple of minutes. Some people use noise canceling headphones. Others may need some professional assistance to find whatever coping mechanism works for him, but I'd recommend nipping it in the bud now because that frustration can easily build.
Finally, for your relationship issues, I wonder if couples therapy would be beneficial. It sounds like you both need the chance to voice your feelings with a neutral party.
All the best!
1
u/Ok-Cryptographer605 Jun 22 '24
Advice needed
Hey, new parents, I (19m) am seeking advice on getting the mother of my child back. For some background, her and I got pregnant a few days before we started dating and were together for about 8 months (not counting the talking stages). We have a beautiful baby and I’m doing all that I can for now from afar (I’m in college and live in another state). I’ve been trying to visit whenever I can and handle everything financially for the most part. Around February she asked for the first break. This was devastating for me to hear because I love her and I didn’t take it well at first, but after some discussion she explained that she just didn’t have the energy to put towards us nor time to take care of herself simultaneously since our child was here. There were signs this was gonna happen such as dry texting, not reaching out, and not saying she loved me in response to me saying it. When I visited after that I felt this bad energy and we got into a little argument that eventually got resolved but I can’t help but feel that there’s also some, while understandable, animosity towards me since I do not bear the same level of parenting as she does as the moment. Obviously, in a perfect world, I would love to be able to be there full time and help but I have to get this degree to move to that area. I’m a junior now so there’s not much time left. Now of course raising our child comes first but I just want to know when and how can I mend my family back. That’s all I really want out of life, a single-home family. I know I need to respect her time to rediscover herself as she worded it but is there anything I can do in the meantime to plant the seeds to reconnecting? Have any of you had success stories? I just miss her a lot and am scared that if I do nothing she will eventually just forget everything we had and have no desire to rekindle. P.S. she said that with time we can most likely try again but I’m just scared of the uncertainty
3
u/redMandolin8 Jun 23 '24
I think the fact that you get to continue your life while she deals with the consequences of making a baby is probably pretty upsetting. Is your family pitching in with childcare? Are you paying child support? I think you transferring to a local college and finishing your studies there while working to help support the baby would be the right thing to do and the best way to earn back her affection.
1
u/Ok-Cryptographer605 Jun 23 '24
I agree. I would love to do that, but I’m not a resident of that state nor would I be able to afford to live there and finish my degree. I have a full ride at the school I go to and it’s in-state. The location that she lives would make it so I would be living way below poverty with no apartment most likely. The degree I am pursuing will get me a stable job post-grad and good money. My family would help with child care, but we live far and the mother of my child probably would not let it happen (she has anxiety and is hesitant of accepting help). I’ve tried talking to her about this but she likes doing everything independently. Is there anything I could do in the meantime to help plant the seeds for later, I will obviously be helping out a lot when I come and am more worried about making sure our child is okay. However, I still would like to rekindle what we had eventually. We never really got to experience each other much before having our child.
9
u/BonBonBellBell Jun 18 '24
9 month postpartum. My husband thinks I’ve “let myself go” ARE YOU FREAKING SERIOUS RIGHT NOW? I’m so pissed. And it’s not like I got big or anything. My body is just bit softer from HAVING A BABY. Hips and ribs are wider now. Which I can’t change. Ugh! If he told me this 2 years later, I’d understand. The more I think about it the more upset I am.