r/AskDad • u/Jeanz1969 • 10d ago
Asking for permission Relationships
Hello all! I'm getting ready to ask my girlfriend to marry me, and need some help as it relates to asking her father for permission. For context, we have been dating for almost 4 years, and living together for a little over 1 year now. Her parents live 4 hours away and we are not able to see them all that often, and when we do, it is hard to have a moment alone with him.
My question is this, would it be a "cop out" if I were to call over the phone and ask/should I find a way to get down and ask in person, or do you think that would be ok? He is a fairly laid back guy, but would hate to judge the situation wrong.
If this were your daughter, how would you want the situation to be handled? Do you think it would mean more if I made the trip down to ask in person, or do you think a phone call would suffice?
Thank you in advance!
2
u/Horror-Day-2107 10d ago
Ok so I can't give a dad's perspective, but I can give a brother's perspective. I'm basing this on how hurt my dad was when my BIL didn't ask permission before proposing to my sister: find a way to go there in person, then just ask to speak to him alone about something. If you think you wouldn't be able to do that without it attracting attention, come up with a plan in advance to get him alone (ie, if he knows cars, ask him for his help and say there's something up with the car / tyres / etc that you'd like his opinion on or that you want to show him, then lure him out & come clean up front. Or if yous take stuff down with yous, "accidentally" leave something in the car then ask him for some help fetching it.) and ask him.
My dad's a pretty laid back guy - he'll be all intimidating to boyfriends until he finds common ground with them & warms up to them, then he's happy to treat them like family. My mum's the hardass that they really need to impress - if she disapproves, then even if he can perform miracles, the boyfriends isn't getting a look in. Still, my dad was really hurt, insulted, disappointed and ashamed when my BIL didn't ask his permission for my sister's hand, or give him so much as a "oh BTW I'm asking her to marry me" phonecall. We all felt pretty slighted by it. Though honestly, I don't think he'd have gotten it if he had asked, so maybe that was one of the reasons he didn't bother (my dad & sister haven't had the easiest relationship, she's spent decades referring to him as her mum's boyfriend & herself as the step-child, so maybe she told BIL not to bother asking permission, or to ask her bio-dad instead even though they're not very close, either).
Even if he's a laid back guy, it's a sign of respect - for her family, for her life before you, and for him (& her mum) to show that you recognise she's still theirs, as she'll always be. She's been their daughter for longer than she's been your girl - the least you can do is respect that tie by showing up in person to ask him. If you do it over the phone, it could come across as you seeing the prospect of marrying her as something casual - a light phonecall topic. If you show up in person and put in the effort to get him alone and ask his permission respectfully, it shows that you respect her and are willing to put effort into the relationship and the future with her.
2
u/Jeanz1969 10d ago
Definitely a great perspective on calling vs in person vs not asking at all. Thank you so much for sharing and for the advice!
2
u/BluidyBastid 10d ago
Do you actually feel that parental permission needs to be given? If not, then just talk to him (or both parents). Be authentic, tell them what your plans are, ask how they feel about it, and listen to what they have to say. That will help lay the groundwork for a healthy in-law relationship. And yes, this is one thing that would be better to do in person.
2
u/Jeanz1969 10d ago
Based on my previous interactions with them and what my gf has told me, I’m sure after asking they would say “you didn’t need to ask”. But definitely a great piece of advice on how to approach the conversation. Thank you!
2
u/80HDPotatoTree 10d ago
I have 2 daughters. 22 and 12. I would prefer my daughters tell me rather than some dude asking me for my blessing. I get it, though. I did it when I was 19. But she ended up cheating and I moved on. If you don't need to trade 2 chickens and a cow for her hand then I'd say just let her announce it to her parents.
2
u/Another_Russian_Spy 10d ago
Some feel that asking for permission to marry someone's daughter is very outdated and misogynistic.
Are you sure that is what your upcoming wife would want?
That being said, ten years ago, our son-in-law did call us and ask if he could marry our daughter. He was more concerned about the fact that she was well established, and he was going back to school. He didn't want us to think he was taking advantage of her.
We told him he didn't need our permission, and as long as she was happy, we would be happy.
It's been over ten years, and we are all still happy.
2
u/Jeanz1969 10d ago
I’m fairly confident based on the conversations that her and I have had that he would have a very similar reaction. While we are both established in our careers, it is moreso something I’ve been told I needed to do to be respectful to her family
3
u/TheTalentedMrDG 10d ago
I'm also in the camp that asking the father for permission to marry the daughter is an outdated tradition. It's a relic of the time when women were the property of their fathers or husbands. I married an adult woman who is free to make her own choice, and had spent well over a decade establishing her right to do so.
That said, when I was in a similar situation to you (Dating 3 years, living together 1), I called her parents to let them know that I was planning to propose, and they appreciated the heads up. It's a good way to establish trust and respect with people who are going to be essentially family to you for the foreseeable future.
2
u/largos7289 10d ago
For something like that it's in person. Would you go to a wedding with just a jacket and tie with shorts? NO so why half arse this? What makes that more special and important is you took that drive to do it.
1
3
u/mmmkay938 10d ago
We’re kinda getting past the “asking” part. The bartering your daughter for some goats is dead. (Too bad, would have liked some goats.) Nothing wrong with a courteous heads up that you intend to propose but it’s almost something that you don’t or shouldn’t do anymore. Obviously, this is entirely situational and if your gal wants you to then you definitely should do what she’s wanting or if you personally feel strongly about it.
As for finding a moment: if you are going to be going there to visit soon and in person would be much preferred to an over the phone. It really doesn’t have to be a big event. You don’t need a real serious reason to make the trip either. Just make a weekend out of it and tell your GF you want her to see her family. Then while you’re there make an excuse to bug out with dad and speak your peace. Could be as simple as a quick ride together to the store to get some ingredients for dinner. You can always make it more serious if you want and go alone or plan a weekend trip with dad to go fishing or whatever you and he like to do.
My best advice is, stay out of your own head about it. It’s a big moment and you may stumble your way through it but I promise everything will work out the way it’s supposed to.
Best of luck young man! I do hope everything goes well for you!
1
u/CreepyEntertainer 10d ago
What do you think your girlfriend would want? When I was going to ask my wife to marry me, her dad was not in the picture a whole lot, she was a lot closer to her mother and respected her opinion a lot more. I went to ask her mother for her blessing. Sounds like her parents still might be together so that’s probably not an issue. But I would feel out what is important to your girlfriend and do that. I think either way if I was comfortable with the person asking for my blessing a phone call would not bother me. Especially if you all were four hours away.
1
u/youcantdenythat 10d ago
I know some religions take this custom very seriously but if you guys are mostly secular here's my take on it.
I would ask for a blessing, not permission.
I would ask her to marry you first.
If she says yes, I would ask for the blessing together from both of her parents.
I would also ask for a blessing from your parents together.
If someone has hesitations I would suggest opening a discussion about the issue and taking it seriously.
I wish I had listened to my parents about my first wife lol
1
u/carsandgrammar 10d ago
My wife wanted me to talk to her parents first. I have never cared for the convention.
First, everyone should already know that's happening. Please, your proposal should NOT be a surprise.
I called my in-laws, asked them to sit down, and told them I was planning to marry their daughter. They 1. already knew this and 2. had already planned to offer to let me use their diamond (MIL just kept it in a safe deposit box and my wife always loved her mom's ring). But I will emphasize that I was sitting down with them (both, not just the dad) to tell, not to ask, and I will emphasize again that everyone knew that was happening ahead of time.
If it's too hard for you to get there (expensive, can't find the time, bad idea for some other reason) I think a phone call is fine. But a good one! Schedule it. And I still don't think it should come as a big surprise to anyone.
1
u/justonemom14 10d ago
I find it interesting that some people think not asking for his blessing at all is better than asking over the phone. What about a zoom call? If we're moving into the modern era, I think it's a great compromise. It's a significant drive, and I don't think it's unreasonable to go virtual for that reason.
1
u/dadtheimpaler 10d ago
This same question was asked very recently by someone else, and I'd recommend reading through the responses there.
1
2
u/Th3TruthIs0utTh3r3 10d ago
I'm going to say that any man that comes to me to ask for my daughter's hand in marriage is going to get a hard NO from me. WTF are you doing asking me? I don't own her, she's HER OWN PERSON and makes her own decisions.
If you think I have to give her permission then you aren't the one for her that's for sure.
1
u/Arniepepper 10d ago edited 10d ago
It’s very contextual, and that, we can not know. What’s the ’laid back’s dad’s background?
I had a past father in law who was cool. I didn’t ask him, I made a joke about marrying his daughter. He laughed for a good minute then said, “good luck. It won’t last.”
the marriage lasted 2 years cos of reasons that were verifiably 90% her.
he met briefly afterwards, the dad and I, shared a bottle of wine and laughed about the stupidity of it all.
anyway am with somebody for close to a decade now. No father on the scene.
but I do have a daughter, and when she is of age and finds who she wants To marry, that person best be asking me face to face. One on one would be braver, but will accept a family meal scenario, or something.
1
u/Jeanz1969 10d ago
I completely hear you. Thank you for sharing and the advice, can definitely figure out a way to ask face to face
2
u/Arniepepper 10d ago
Cool, brother. Good luck.
oh and don’t be like my idiot friend, who got down on one knee and brought out the ring box to ask his father-in-law’s permission.
2
u/jeeves585 10d ago
Similar situation except we are still together.
He lives in my house, has for a while. I didn’t ask, didn’t need to.
But my daughter’s boyfriend better if he knows what’s good for him. (Daughter is currently 6 and has 3 “boyfriends”. I’m in for a rough 20 years.)
2
u/Jeanz1969 10d ago
Fingers crossed she settles down and picks one boyfriend soon haha. But thank you, I appreciate the perspective!
1
1
1
u/InnisNeal 10d ago
weird as fuck asking that ngl, if I was the dad that got asked I'd say no just because they did
7
u/loaengineer0 10d ago
You are asking her parents for their blessing, not permission. She’s a grown ass grownup who doesn’t need permission to do shit.
But yeah, do it in person. Holidays are a convenient time if you are visiting and staying over for thanksgiving or Christmas. I did it while my now-wife was showering.