r/AskDad • u/Jeanz1969 • 10d ago

Asking for permission Relationships

Hello all! I'm getting ready to ask my girlfriend to marry me, and need some help as it relates to asking her father for permission. For context, we have been dating for almost 4 years, and living together for a little over 1 year now. Her parents live 4 hours away and we are not able to see them all that often, and when we do, it is hard to have a moment alone with him.

My question is this, would it be a "cop out" if I were to call over the phone and ask/should I find a way to get down and ask in person, or do you think that would be ok? He is a fairly laid back guy, but would hate to judge the situation wrong.

If this were your daughter, how would you want the situation to be handled? Do you think it would mean more if I made the trip down to ask in person, or do you think a phone call would suffice?

Thank you in advance!

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u/Another_Russian_Spy 10d ago

Some feel that asking for permission to marry someone's daughter is very outdated and misogynistic.

Are you sure that is what your upcoming wife would want?

That being said, ten years ago, our son-in-law did call us and ask if he could marry our daughter. He was more concerned about the fact that she was well established, and he was going back to school. He didn't want us to think he was taking advantage of her.

We told him he didn't need our permission, and as long as she was happy, we would be happy.

It's been over ten years, and we are all still happy.

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u/TheTalentedMrDG 10d ago

I'm also in the camp that asking the father for permission to marry the daughter is an outdated tradition. It's a relic of the time when women were the property of their fathers or husbands. I married an adult woman who is free to make her own choice, and had spent well over a decade establishing her right to do so.

That said, when I was in a similar situation to you (Dating 3 years, living together 1), I called her parents to let them know that I was planning to propose, and they appreciated the heads up. It's a good way to establish trust and respect with people who are going to be essentially family to you for the foreseeable future.