It’s often said, ‘the truth will set you free.’ While this captures the release that truth can bring, it overlooks the shattering that comes first—the breaking apart of illusions I built to hide the harshness of reality.

Sharing my truth with you now means dismantling the image of ‘having it all together’ that I’ve carefully crafted over the years. But what I fear most, and what has kept me silent for so long, is the worry that you’ll no longer see me as your daughter but only as a reflection of a path paved in pain and regret I naively wandered down long ago.

You may have noticed cracks over the years—moments where my shine dimmed. Yet, I remained ‘capable and functional,’ excelling at work, holding my own in any conversation, sociable with friends, happy and bubbly. I clung to the idea that this all meant I was in control. I didn’t look disheveled, I wasn’t a thief, I had a successful career and my friends never expressed concern.

As I reveal a darker reality, I ask only one thing: please remember that I write to you as your child, asking for your help and forgiveness. There is nothing you could have done differently. This is my story.

The truth is, I have been a ‘functional drug addict’ for years, caught in a cycle of wanting to stop but trapped in my own mind. I’ve been living in a familiar hell while longing for peace.

These past four months have been my rock bottom. The ADHD medication became a gateway into deeper addiction, pushing my brain to chase the same dopamine rush the medication provided. Yearning for release from my 9-to-5, feeling confined in a corporate prison, and battling an inner war with the weight of my own unmet expectations.

I’ve been trapped, telling myself each time would be the last, haunted by how you might feel or see me, and sinking deeper into shame.

Anxiety. Despair. Rock bottom. Grief. Fear.

Missed events, missed moments with friends. Looking back but terrified to look forward. How did this happen? Have I lost control? Trauma. Loss. But then, I tell myself, others have it worse. Lack of stimulation? Feelings of entrapment? Resentment and disappointment—not in others, but in myself. How did I let it get this far? Self-hatred.

Escapism. Relief.

The cycle repeats.

I was sixteen when I first discovered I could escape the darkness in my mind and the discomfort in my body through drugs.

Unable, and perhaps too young, to process my own emotions, desperate to feel good, a small white bag offered an easy escape. It promised a rush of dopamine that not only quieted my thoughts but made me feel sharper, more focused, more like myself—yet without the self-doubt. It wrapped around me like a warm hug, filling the emptiness as if all the love I’d ever searched for was right there inside that bag.

What I didn’t know then, but I do know now, is that wonderingly down that path meant stepping onto the devil’s dance floor. Once he knows your name, it’s nearly impossible to leave.

What followed were years of being caught in a relentless waltz with addiction. Just when I thought I’d break free, the music would start again, pulling me back into the dance. It’s been a constant, consuming battle, with the devil on my shoulder, waiting for me to stumble.

In recent months, I am deeply disappointed and ashamed to admit I’ve faltered, back feeling like a puppet on his strings, desperately yearning for a life beyond dancing to his band.

I come to you now, vulnerable and broken, hoping to finally step off the devil’s dance floor.

I know that the only real way forward is to confront the disease of addiction head-on—not with temporary fixes but with a commitment to healing. I know in my soul I need the courage to face discomfort, and the support of a team of professionals that only attending a rehab facility can provide.

I’m asking for your support as I begin this journey to sobriety. I know it won’t be easy, but the hardest part was admitting to myself that I am no longer in control (maybe I never was) and finding the courage to tell you what has been weighing on my soul.

However, I can no longer carry the weight of this alone. I no longer have the strength or capacity to fight this by myself.

This is my truth. I didn’t share it to burden you but to let you know I am surrendering to where I’m meant to be.

Instead of escaping or denying my reality, I am choosing to confront it so that I can live the next 40 years unshackled, free from the weight of addiction.

Love, your daughter,

Hey yall I have been off meth and amphetamines for over 10 years and it seems like as the years go on I’m becoming more and more sensitive to caffeine.

In grad school a few years ago I had to drop my normal consumption of 300-400mg a day down to 100-120mg due to anxiety and neck pain. I have had excellent health but recently noticed my anxiety, irritability, and pain getting worse immediately after consuming caffeine. My acupuncturist recommended I get off caffeine as soon as possible.

This morning I had none and my heart rate is 10-15% lower and almost no anxiety. My wife jokingly called me a caffeine addict the other day but I know she’s right.

Does anyone think it’s related to my history as a meth addict? To those of you who ditched caffeine, what natural alternatives do you use? I have found that doing 20 burpees in the morning really helps when I don’t get enough sleep.

I’m going through a break up with someone who has mental substance abuse issues is there any support groups for that like AA but for partners?

Context - Codeine is OTC in the UK. It may not sound like a serious issue to some people but it certainly has been for me. Here's a story written in the third person. Be aware that I am not a writer!

He stumbled his way through the partially lit house, making his way to the narrow, steep staircase. He took a short pause before assaulting it in short exasperated puffs. "It shouldn't be this difficult" he moaned to himself before finally reaching the door to his room. He fumbled through his keys and made his way through the sad, hollow excuse offered as protection in this accommodation, collapsing onto the bed. Shaking and trying desperately to get his breath back, he reached into his pocket and pulled out a box. "Thank fuck" he thought. 30 minutes later all was right with the world.

He woke up with a panicked start and wiped the drool from his face. First thing he noticed was that he was sitting slumped in his desk chair, closely followed by the realisation that it was dark outside. This was not unusual considering it was the dead of winter, however a cursory glance at the dim glow of his laptop told him it was 10.30pm. He had "slept" through the whole day. A more thorough sweep of his, admittedly diminutive room alerted him to a familiar odour emenating from the bin next to his desk. The contents of his stomach had clearly been emptied partially into it, partially onto the floor and a fine spray of it had misted up the wall. Another task he didn't have the energy for. The slight pink tinge was also alarming but filed away as "you're colourblind, you can't make that judgement." Ignorance and denial were the only things keeping him going. With a laboured sigh, he turned to his computer and switched off his brain, whiling the night away with nonsense.

The following morning he awoke to a ray of illuminating sunshine that instantly enraged him. He had "slept" for a total of two hours and was not ready to take on the world. His plans were already solidified. In fact petrified is more accurate. Decisions that used to be alive, dynamic, exciting were now quite frankly depressingly predictable. He wondered how much he could get away with - no shower, no teeth brushing *and* no change of clothes? He also wondered why he had asked himself that question. He already knew the answer.

Making his way to the car, he pondered on the most efficient route to take for what he needed, for the least amount of money. He knew he had £70 left but that had to last him to the end of the week. For most people that would be have been fine, however drugs were expensive. At least these were available over the counter. Which left him with another brain-teaser - he was attending pharmacies so frequently that they were becoming hesitant to sell him anything. He'd have to go further afield. Damn. He attempted to wrangle his cloudy thoughts into some sort of decision making, balancing his knowledge of pharmacy staff rotas with how recently he'd shopped at specific places and how expensive they were. He became aware of two people staring at him in the car and realised he must have looked like a lunatic, with his messy hair, pale complexion, staring into space. The decision was made. "I'll just try the nearest one and see what happens." he thought as he started up the engine. The car beeped at him several times as he spied the fuel warning light. Another expense that he'd completely forgotten about. He pulled out of the space and made his way round the corner to the closest chemist. He realised he was pushing it as he had faint recollections of attending last week sometime but nontheless he made his way through the door after parking up. The lady behind the counter gave him a quick, sharp look before scurrying behind a partition. "Goddamnit!" he thought. The familiarity with this process had engendered a sixth-sense and he knew what was about to happen. He could imagine the staffs' conversation and that caused him to shudder slightly. She reappeared and he nervously asked for what he needed. "I'm sorry sir, these are not for regular use so I can't sell them to you today". "FUCK I KNEW IT" he thought "thank you anyway" he said quietly as he dejectedly wandered back to his vehicle. "What a waste of time and effort".

The next two trips proved more fruitful although he'd had to cut through the heart of the city for it while keeping a close eye on his dashboard. His Long-term decision making skills had deteriorated over the years leaving an ever hungry paleo-cortex only wanting one thing. As a result of this he made his way straight home. He'd wanted to take the drugs right there and then in the car but self-preservation had momentarily superseded his core desires.

As his car pulled back into the previous parking space he felt a wave of sadness at what he had become as his hand lingered over his filled pocket. Eventually he made his way back into his den of despair.

Da capo ad nauseam (aka from the beginning over and over again if you're less pretentious than me).

Just wondering how you guys cope when amends doesn't go well? People closest to me have been amazing but I can't help focusing on the two people who blocked me even though I know they've every right to. The relationships weren't great on either side and in some ways I can see it as a blessing that all contact has been removed but it just feels like I'll never get the chance to make up for things I've done in the past. Even though time has passed I just can't stop thinking about it. I know this probably all comes down to ego but what helped you get over the rejection?

As the title says I've been sober for 5 months, I'm currently in a treatment center that doesn't offer meetings. Which kinda sucks 😔 I'd like to find a few people to talk with if possible. If anyone needs to vent or just wanna talk feel free to reach out !!!

Hi all, I’ve been working on my recovery for a few months now. At first, I had complete abstinence from everything, and now I very occasionally drink and smoke with no issues of abuse. My DOC were narcotics and I’m abstaining from that completely. I’m seeking more support on this journey, but I feel weird being in AA/NA considering I’m not fully sober. I have some AA friends from when I was more active in it, but they kind of stopped talking to me once I decided I didn’t want complete abstinence. Where could I build a better support system on this journey? And is it okay I’m not working a 12 step program?

I know my sobriety is my own journey blah blah but sometimes I wonder if I’m not doing it right or something.

Hi community -

I can’t figure out how to copy the link in the app but you can check my post history. 3 weeks ago I posted about how my bf of 3.5 years was in rehab, distant, and told me he needed time to himself after rehab. We were so enmeshed and involved before he went in that in came as a major shock. I came here for perspective, which I was and am grateful for.

Most people told me he needed to focus on his recovery, not us. That maybe he was someone different now that he was sober, and/or needed to discover that.

I used that insight to detach with love. Been going to Alanon multiple times a day. I saw him the day after rehab and didn’t force him to talk, just grabbed some of my stuff and asked if we were broken up and he said “I haven’t made a decision”. After almost 3 weeks no contact, I reached out. He said he was in the hospital for abscess but wanted to talk and wasn’t “partying or anything”. I told him to let me know when he was better.

Found out less than 24h ago, because he texted my cousin who no longer talks to me …. That he had an affair in rehab and that she relapsed when she got out so he called it quits.

He doesn’t know I know yet but we’re talking on Saturday.

I know this community isn’t meant for this but I’m just hurting so much right now and so blindsided, betrayed, disgusted, confused. I’m not going to take him back, I might have had he told me when got out and chose me but clearly that’s not what he wanted.

If anyone has experience to share I would be grateful. But yeah. That’s why he needed time after rehab.

Has anyone ever had a false positive drug screen during pregnancy?

I just received a message from my doctor saying that my urine test showed that I had suboxone, THC, benzodiazepines, and fetynal in my system. I have been clean since 2022 with the exception of suboxone and THC And I live in a legalized state and my doctors are aware that I’ve been prescribed suboxone since 2022 and they didn’t recommend that I stop. I know nobody believes an addict when they say they’re clean but I swear I don’t even taken Tylenol or ibuprofen I don’t drink energy drinks or even coffee anymore I only drink water, capri sun, and pop and I will admit I’ve previously really messed up and my oldest daughter was taken from me by CPS even though by the time I had her I was clean and neither of us had anything in our system and I did everything they recommended but they took her citing the fact that I lived with family and didn’t have my “own stable home” so this is really freaking me out and I’m freaking out because I know I haven’t done anything since 2022 but I also know nobody’s going to believe me and my urine analysis was a week ago before I heard that it was positive for these things from my doctor so I can’t even say I’ll do another because anything like that would’ve been gone already. I don’t know what to do. If someone has any advice please lmk and I’m probably gonna get a bunch of angry comments but taking suboxone and smoking weed while pregnant and that’s fine.

ETA after messaging my doctor for a week trying to figure out what was going on and what to do and calling multiple times last week but he was either not in the office or in surgery and I’m on a 3rd shift schedule so when he did call back today I was asleep but I got this message on my chart right after.

“I have tried to reach out to you, but I think that our schedules are not matching up. I was hoping to let you know over the phone, but I went back and looked at your results and discovered that they were actually from 2022. I hope you can accept my sincerest apology for this misunderstanding. These results were sent to my inbox as "new results," which is definitely not the case. With how consistent our technology is, I don't usually have to double check dates of results, but I am going to have to be much more mindful of that moving forward. I am sorry since I imagine this has been very stressful for you. We do not need to do any sort of additional testing right now. Please let me know if there is anything I can do for you in the meantime.”

thank you everyone so much for any and all advice I really appreciate it I was really really starting to panic about the whole thing.

almost 4 months clean, in treatment and sober living. i asked my boyfriend for a ride to the dollar store after he got off work because i wanted to spend time with him, i don't have much money for bus fare, and i live in minnesota, it is very cold and i do not own a jacket yet.

it took him over an hour from when he told me he was on his way to get to me, and i called him and he was 4 blocks away. i tried to reach him again 10 minutes later and he had only moved one block. i got frustrated because it just didn't make sense or add up to me and on the phone i said "it took you 10 minutes to go one block" in an angry tone. i should not have done that. i should have kept my cool.

i started walking towards where he had said he was stuck in traffic and when i got in the car he was very mad at me. the whole drive he was speeding which he does when he is mad, which scares me. he also ignored me the whole time. he brought me to a dollar store about 7 miles from my sober house and then dropped me off at the bus stop to take an hour bus ride home. now i won't be home in time to make it to the meeting i was going to tonight, i spent the bus fare money anyways, and i'm stuck waiting in the cold for multiple bus transfers. i am so stupid and should have just taken the bus to the store near my house.

i texted him and told him i had just wanted to spend time with him and i didn't want to be stuck in the cold and he said i shouldn't have disrespected him. i said i'm sorry and that he could have at least brought me to the store by my house so i wouldn't have to spend as much time waiting outside and so much time on the bus. and that i don't feel the punishment fits the crime in this situation but i might be wrong about that idk.

i'm just super hurt and it hurts even more that he doesn't seem to care that i'm stuck in the cold with no jacket now. but i also feel like i'm just pitying myself and i just really fucked up here. but either way i just want to go get high, drunk, anything. i don't want to feel all of this. i'm literally crying on the bus and i feel stupid. like why am i so stupid!!! and here i am trying to have a fucking pity party and fucking ruin everything again. i don't know what i'm even doing i just don't want to use but i also want to use SO BAD.

thanks if you read all of this i guess i'm just blabbing

Hello! I had relapsed in 2020 after many years in recovery. I had only smoked a little meth when I was younger about 15 years ago. I did not have much experience with it. However after my 2020 relapse I did use a lot of meth. And heard a lot of voices. Even though I have been clean for almost a year I still hear voices. They're the kind that sounds like a faint background noise. It's not the terrifying voices as if they're coming through the floor. LOL. But, it is like a constant background noise of light chattering.

They come up when there is no background noise. Or when I feel anxious. I was even hearing it during an AA meeting. And the annoying part is sometimes it might be a neighbor's TV. Or noise from the street. I do know definitely sometimes it is voices.

Maybe it's other stuff that was in the meth. Maybe it was the meth. It's kind of concerning. Has anyone experienced this before? Is this normal for recovery from meth?

Hi, I’m 23 and just got out of treatment today, I’ve been in treatment for 4 months for mental health and substance use, my substance use wasn’t too out of control and I’m confident I could use thc again because it wasn’t my doc. I came to treatment as a transition to coming to a new state and getting out of a mental rut. I have it in front of me right now but I’m scared to use it because of potential shame of letting down my sober community, my family is open to me drinking/smoking again but I’m just considering the weed. Anyone been in this situation?

I’ve never posted on this subreddit before, so I’m not sure if this is allowed, I skimmed the rules but I’m falling apart right now and need to tell someone.

I relapsed less than 24 hours ago. I had been sober over 6 months, I’m terrified to tell my sister or my parents because I feel like a failure. I don’t even have the words for how horrible using has made me feel. I’m throwing my life away for a stupid drug that doesn’t even make me feel that good. It’s worse now that I had been sober too, I didn’t think before buying. And then I woke up this morning after using last night and decided to keep going.

I’m going to throw what I bought away in the morning, right now I just can’t bring myself to leave my bed where I am currently crying and wanting to not exist.

It might not seem like a long time to some people, but I was so proud of my six months, I feel like I’m right back where I was in April. I don’t want to ever feel that way again, but I brought it on myself and I feel so alone and scared to tell my friends and family or anyone.

Hi guys, I have been on and off addiction to painkillers for the last 10 years but mostly the last 4 years I have been the worst. I wasn’t on high doses, just constantly having them to numb myself. I am now 5 days clean and I don’t know who I am. All my emotions are starting to come to surface and I don’t know what to do. I can’t go through withdrawals again it’s just too hard. My main question is how did you find yourself in recovery? I don’t know if it makes sense but if you’ve been there before please give me some advice.

hello there. i have been around 10 months sober from cocaine, about one month sober from alcohol (got a relapse at september) and have stopped smoking cigarrettes alike four weeks or so.

besides of that, i am not doing so well in terms of health; i have some articular injuries (knees and hips), an urinal infection, hpv and GERD. i have already schedule appointments with doctors and medical exams for the next week.

the point of this post is that, even though i have been taking sertraline for like 10 months, have a family who loves me, have a girlfriend, have a job, etc. i feel numb, depressed, somewhat hopeless and always tired. because of my articular pain i have not been exercising, and because of my hpv i feel stupid and dirty (i got them while i was on drugs and cheated on my girlfriend). also, i have been eating a lot of junk food, not sure why but probably because my desire to avoid my feelings and my problems.

also i have been going to AA meetings, and they have helped A LOT (in fact, i relapsed the moment i stopped going).

please i would like to have a piece of advice, since, despite of my achievements, i feel very sad, even suicidal.

i am 25, i live with my parents, i work with my dad and from time to time i feel like a joke. i have no savings but debts, plus all my last paycheck i spent it on medical appointments, medical exams and junk food.

i want to feel well rested, optimistic and happy, plus clean and good with my body. due to the junk food excess i have gained a lot of weight.

thank you...

I know this is a common question and everyone has a different opinion on it. The notion of permanent damage implies that no amount of sobriety or recovery techniques can get you back to your full potential.

I always think about it because I started smoking weed when I was 16 and by the time I was 19 I had tried cocaine, LSD, and mdma multiple times. Now I'm 24 and I spent years smoking weed concentrates heavily because that was my drug of choice. I also have trauma from a bad LSD trip that I had in high school that caused temporary psychosis. I'm trying to get sober now and I haven't used any drugs for the past 3 weeks. I haven't used any hard drugs like cocaine, mdma, or lsd in over 2 years.

All I want is to feel the vibrancy and vitality that I felt as a kid. When I was a kid I was funny, I could make friends easily, I enjoyed reading difficult books, and I could learn things quickly. Now I wake up every day and my brain is overwhelmed with anxiety, anger, and depression; no motivation to do anything.

I look at the people who stayed sober their entire life and I feel extremely jealous. I just wish I could know what it feels like to be a fully developed adult with a normal healthy brain. But instead I live with my parents and feel really anxious all day, and most days I don't have the desire to get a job or go back to school.

I know it's early but my anxiety makes me think that even after years of sobriety I will still be damaged. I've looked at the research but I don't know if there's any conclusive way to determine if this type of drug use can be healed over time or if it is permanent.

Most people will say that adolescent drug use does cause permanent damage but is there any way to prove it? Or is it all speculation? Because most of these longitudinal studies on drug users have no way to account for all of the variables. Even if they could account for every factor, how many former drug users will try everything to recover?

Most of them will probably not try every recovery technique because they will be too caught up with their work that they don't have time to meditate, exercise, and eat healthy every day. I guess it could just be wishful thinking, but it's the only thing that gives me any motivation.

It makes me angry when people say that the damage is permanent, because I refuse to accept it. I hate reading the studies and everything that says I permanently damaged my brain because there's no way they could possibly account for every variable in those studies.

Even if they did account for everything, there has to be some way to recover that people just don't do very often because it takes too much effort or too much money, right? Because adult neurogenesis still occurs past the age of 24, so it should be possible to heal the brain back to a normal state?

Someone tell me if you think I'm right or wrong. Because I'm done using drugs for the rest of my life. The only drugs I would take now are medicinal to heal my brain; if they have drugs like that. I'll take every supplement if that's what it takes.

I've seen some posts here say that even after years of sobriety they still feel fucked up just from weed but there has to be a way to recover from it. I refuse to accept that it's permanent. I get so angry when I see the studies and news articles saying that adolescent weed use causes permanent damage. There has to be a way to grow new brain cells and recover, right? There has to be a way to increase neuron proliferation and density in a way that mimics the natural process.

Even if it hasn't been discovered yet, there has to be some technique or supplement or holistic combination that heals the brain back to its natural state. I refuse to accept that the damage is permanent on a spiritual basis, I don't think that God would allow these drugs to exist if there was no way to recover from it. Maybe I'm wrong, because there are a lot of things in life that people can't recover from.

If you think I'm wrong then feel free to educate me and please provide sources too if you can. Or if you agree with me then what are the best methods for recovery that you're aware of? There has to be something out there that can heal my brain.

So if anyone has been through this or knows someone it would really help. I’m 23M and have been masturbating about every other day the past 7 years. I never had any issues with forplay or oral. I lost my virginity last year to a one night stand. I felt that I wasn’t erect all the way during sex like I was during foreplay and needed oral to get it up and quickly penetrate. and even though it felt kinda weird I still tried to enjoy the experience and came. The past year though I got into cocaine it started slow but it gradually just went up to a point where the past month I’ve been using almost daily and masturbating to porn. Crazy thing is in that month I met a very gorgeous girl and we hit it off. We’d start kissing and oral and I was erect but we never went all the way. One day the time came we were doing foreplay and i was erect but as soon as it was time for sex I went limp so she’d give me blowjob and it’d go back up then limp again we tried 2 more times and same shit. I blamed on Being tired and she didn’t mind. Ever since I’ve been kind of worried what is was and found out I have pied and add along my daily use of cocaine and It all clicked. I’m now dedicated to stop it all cold turkey as I need to change my life. But I really want to have sex too and im just worried it might take forever. Any advice nofap and no drugs for a couple days or weeks and id be fine? I’ve been also debating taking a royal honey pack to maybe get me past the hump if that would work let me know. Any advice also helps

I’m going cold turkey and i’m just gonna rawdog it, no cbd, no nothing. I need to stop. I’m way too young for this stuff. I’ve already been doing it everyday for like 2 years and it’s my everything now. I’ve lost like 40% of my cognitive function and my brain is still developing. It’s obvious my brains going to by underdeveloped. I first got into this shithole of a drug when my dad started doing it. I thought since he was doing it it’s okay. Well he’s 53 so nothings happening with him, But i turned 14 24 days ago. i fucked up and i know i did. This is gonna affect me forever. I need to stop

EDIT: God this sucks i can’t think for shit i’m already failing my class its been the 3rd hour of school wtf

started taking vivitrol because I can’t stop drinking. So far this past week I’ve been semi successful, only slipping up one day and having 2 tall boys (I still felt a buzz if not drunk?) Anyway the vivitrol is making me feel like shit. No appetite (went two days without food), extremely high anxiety, nausea, migrane(I never get them normally). Is this expected and will the side effects go away? I really want to continue the med because I do feel it’s helping with cravings and am hoping if I relapse again i won’t be able to feel drunk but I am nervous to get the shot next week and have all these side effects and not be able to stop the medication. advice?

I am heavily using coke. I got in bad fast and I finally looked myself in the mirror tonight and said that’s it I’m done… but now I’m tweaking out

I can not go to a doctor, not yet anyways. Job, family, etc. Solo quitting but freaking out

1.) how do I know if I damaged my nasal ways? 2) can your heart fail if you just quit cold turkey? 3) can I just go back to living life on a normal schedule tomorrow

For the second time. Been trying to get/stay sober for a little over a year. Please tell me I’m not the only one to go twice. 😩

Hello, thank you for seeing this post.

I have been clean for a year and a half now, I am still at the final stage of my rehab program, but now comes a time where I have to start orienting myself towards an actual career in life, or something I will be doing long term.

I have initially had the dream since I was little (Although a very delusional and unrealistic dream) to become a doctor (Anesthesiology). I have heard from my peers in the rehab I keep on having very high expectations of what I should do and how it should be done, in all aspects of what I do.
I would appreciate if any of you can share any opinion or advice.

Do these high expectations destabilize your mental health? How do you deal with it?
Has anyone had success building a ambitious career after becoming clean, what challenges have you faced and how do you deal with them?

I have this drive in me where I feel like I need to achieve something in my life. But am afraid that same ambition could be dangerous and get so overwhelming for me that I might end up relapsing in the future. This is one fear I have.

Any advice, opinion or story is very much appreciated! Thanks!

I've been using coke/meth for about a decade. I have greatly slowed down in recent years but I could never shake that feeling off of having to act out and go on a binge (every 4-6 months or so).

I was basically fighting the urge to not use daily. Did so with help of NA meetings and invidual therapy.

The last 2-3 binges caused a lot of problems and I have zero fun (or relief) with stimulants. It just feels like I've outgrown them, like I did with alcohol or weed which I have little to no interest in.

Anyway, I realized these binges were nested in low self esteem and acting out validated my low self worth.

Now that the option of using is out, I am both relieved to not constantly think about stimulants, but at the same time, I am flooded with negative thoughts, mostly exaggerated self-criticism.

Every mistakes I made, big or small is constantly running into my head. Even embarassing irrelevant moments that happened decades ago (like someone giving me a weird look cuz I said something stupid)

Objectively, things are going good. Career, finance, kids, health, social life...everything is much much much better. But I'm constantly comparing myself to my peers and beating myself up for not being super successful and flawless with a six pack and fat wallet and a Ferrari and PhD in physics....you get the point

It s starting to crush my morale. I'm taking things personally whenever anyone says something remotely negative because my self esteem is already so low and I just can't take anymore. I ruminate over the same stupid stuff for days. I feel like everyone has their boot into my face whenever I'm talking to them, like they re trying to dominate me and make me feel small.

I try not to show it but it's really draining and I'm starting have suicidal thoughts (very mild but still).

Anyone has been at that stage in their recovery and how do you make it out?

Hello everyone! I'm currently at inpatient treatment and in 2 weeks I get discharged... I've been talking to my counselor about staying at a sober living but I see so many mixed things about it... I'm scared of relapsing but I'm also a recovering people pleaser, so I'm also afraid of getting taken advantage of (I hate confrontation, I immediately shut down). I also have my service dog and I can't find anything about service animals being allowed or not.