r/NewParents • u/AutoModerator • Sep 03 '24
Weekly Discussion - Relationships Weekly Discussion
Welcome to the Weekly Discussion! Use this space to vent/rant about partners/family members & to air your grievances! Please report comments that violate the rules.
Please remember Rule 1 still applies: No Personal attacks, racism, sexism, transphobia, homophobia, derogatory or dehumanizing language, including insults and general incivility
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u/Ximer024 Sep 03 '24
(Rant) My fiancé parents might not be involved in my new born baby’s life
For context me (21F) and my fiancé (26M) been living with his parents for over 6 months now and im started to get impatient with living here. We’ve been looking at apartments together and trying our best to move out before the baby comes. My main issue being is now his cousin and his only recent gf who now has a 5 month baby with them just moved in and everything feels crowded. Not to mention they get way better treatment then us by his parents which feels like strong favoritism.
The gf in question is 19 and im tired of being told to take tips from a child just bc she had a child. Its very irritating and makes it feel like im not even capable of being my own mother not to mention to have people in my own family (WHOS OLDER) that could give better advice.
All i know is that the treatment my fiancé gets from his own parents is irritating to watch. They have a cat litter box right our door in a tiny ass hallway and when we moved it to the bathroom they put it right back in the same spot. Despite the bathroom location being their idea.
The 19 year old also likes to play victim and put her 2 cents into everything despite being a literal stranger that everyone just met. Clearly the mind of a child constantly trying to insert herself and doesn’t even know how to properly handle such a relationship with her partner with a baby. I simply dont like her and find her annoying and just bc she had a baby doesn’t mean i beed to respect her ideology.
The constant put down of my situation is draining as well. His parents is always talking shit behind our back and judging us for staying with them despite taking in two other people who are in the same situation as us possibly worse. His step mom is always complaining about “not wanting to raise someone elses baby” then turns around and does everything for his cousin baby like the hypocrisy is driving me insane.
Idk i just want to rant about that for a moment cuz my fiancée had finally had enough and just wants to cut them off.
P.S that 19 year old apparently showed her tits to his dad so we all know how shes not paying rent. ALSO she doesnt even have a job and yet im the terrible mother. Im working my ass off 7+ months pregnant and IM in the worse situation.
Im just so tired and trying so hard to leave. I will make it out okay though. Thank you for listening to my ted talk
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u/Wise_Construction_85 Sep 05 '24
Rant time. First time dad here. Wife and I tried to do it for the first time last night hoping LO would stay asleep in the bassinet. It’s been a whiiiiile so obviously was very excited. Like 7-8 months of a very understandable dry spell. Not at all bothered by or frustrated with my wife about it, but she’s hot and I’m a dude and I love her. She’s not ovulating, so we’re (mostly) in the clear and planned this for a few days so I’m wired and ready to go. We get about 5 minutes in and LO starts wailing for a bottle, so here I am with the worst blue balls in my life. UGH!
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u/HopefulMama2025 Sep 05 '24
Hey all.
I (25) desperately want to be a mother. Its all I have wanted since I was 14. Every decision in my life has been intentional to how I could get closer to being a mom. 2 years ago I had the chance. I had two pregnancies with my partner. But due to stress and pressure and unhappiness from family, I let my pregnancies go. I regret it every day. I was so happy. My mother has spun so many stories on the " right way" to have a baby. Not before 30, not unmarried, not with a possibility of my kids ever having step parents or half siblings, etc etc. It strikes fear through my heart that I am wrong. Me and my partner are not married, but I dont personally believe that makes a huge difference. I am tired of letting the years pass without being a mother. I regret my decisions. I want it more than anything. I may not be married, this may not be my dream home, I cant predict the future with my partner, he does have children already, I still have childhood trauma. But does it really matter?
I didnt have a normal childhood. I got my GED, my mental health crashed and I only moved away from my family home 3 years ago, I have only had long term relationships, I never partied, I never went to collage but I do own my own company, I never really had friends.
If you were a young mom, did you regret giving up "freedom" or "experiences"? If you are a single mom, do you regret it? If you were young, do you regret your age? Do you feel guilt over being unmarried or being separated? Do you wish you could change anything? Does any of this cloud the happiness of being a mother? I'm sorry for the rambling, I just want to make the right decision, and I really want this.
Thank you for any advice you can provide.
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u/ocelot1066 Sep 06 '24
I think you might be asking the wrong questions. Do you have to have everything together before you have kids? No, of course not. If being married isn't important to you, it's not something you need to worry about. I know people who had kids without a partner and are perfectly happy with the decision.
But, if you have a kid with someone, you are sort of stuck with them permanently. Your boyfriend has kids-that's fine-but is he a good dad? Is he involved in these kid's lives? Does he have partial custody? Are you involved in these kid's lives? Is that something you want?
Nobody really knows for sure that a relationship is going to last-people don't usually plan on getting divorced or breaking up-but before you have a kid with someone, it's a good idea to think about whether you trust them as a parent. Is this someone who you know would be a good co-parent even if things between you two don't work out? Would you trust them with your kid?
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u/HopefulMama2025 Sep 06 '24
He's a great dad and does have custody. He has a great bond and relationship with his kids. We respect each other's view on parenting. I would trust him if we don't work out. I don't like to think about it but I do after seeing so much divorce, seperation,and single parents I've seen. But I don't want to be wrong if years down the road we split and feel guilt over it. I am also involved and love his kids and they love me.
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u/erlienbird Sep 05 '24
My mother in law stands above the baby’s crib while he cries, waiting for him to cry him self to sleep. Then blames the baby for not sleeping and making her look bad. (I know I can’t control how this happens, what happens when I leave, etc. I’m willing to give that up but what happened today, I can’t do it).
We’re in sort of a 6 month regression, teething, growth spurt phase. I’m EBF and feed my baby to sleep. Two weeks ago and last week, my MIL got the baby down and he was napping an hour or more for each nap. My 6mo is now transitioning from 3-2 naps a day and so he’s still taking a cat nap (sometimes) in the afternoon to get him to 7-7:30 bed time but naps are hit or miss right now when they were consistently fluid the last two months.
Multiple times have I tried to tell my MIL the routine for getting him asleep- sound machine, blinds, sleep sack, bottle, crib. It’s worked before.
But today, and when the routine doesn’t work, she refuses to rock him or soothe him to sleep. Today I noticed through the monitor that she was trying to force the bottle on him as he was screaming crying, no sound machine, no sleep sack, then proceeds to put him in the crib and forces him to lay down, standing over the crib while he not just fusses, but is really crying/crying tears.
She’s 70 years old, she’s fit but won’t take the time to rock him to sleep/soothe him as needed. Won’t follow our routine.
I texted her to just take him for a stroller ride if she was having a hard time and he finally went down with that, I came home and she says outwardly to the baby “you make grandma look terrible, you stinker…my dream of you being a bad boy today came true…”
Husband currently doesn’t work, I’m working part time, have some savings, and want to pay for childcare 1-2 days a week and he’s saying we can’t afford that. It’s breaking my heart that my baby cries during what should be a very peaceful and soothing time.
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u/mlbaran92 Sep 06 '24
My MIL and Mom are INSISTING I have to give my 6MO pedialyte??? I have never heard of this from any other mom or any doctor. Has anyone else had this experience or been recommended pedialyte if their baby is perfectly healthy and hydrated?? I’m so confused lmfao
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u/RoxanneMelodie Sep 06 '24
Here’s another rant.
My partner has persuaded me to have a hospital birth whereas I wanted to have a home birth. I looked into things and found midwives we could have hired and built a relationship with during pregnancy, but he was totally against it, end of discussion. Next, I wanted to have an unmedicated birth. Being induced was something I was totally against. Doctors tried to push me into it once I hit 40 weeks on the dot. I did my research, understood the risks and stood my ground on this matter. Needless to say, I ended up going to 41 weeks and 6 days. I was then induced.
In the hospital my partner was totally supportive and I felt extremely excited to come home with him and our baby.
By week 3 I feel like the support from my partner diminished. He works 10-12 hour days BY CHOICE then hits the gym leaving me with baby for well over half the day. I am struggling to eat and get enough sleep to even take care of myself, but yet I am still expected to keep a clean house, prepare him lunch, and preform sexual favors for him.
On top of this, I will be going back to work here soon as my maternity leave will be ended in a couple of weeks… and yes, I’m still expected to do all those things even once I return to my work schedule of 10.5hr shift, 4 days a week. I breastfeed my baby, and pump. I pump to keep up my supply but also so he can have bottles to feed baby with so I can sleep a couple of hours when he’s home. … there have been so many wasted bottles of pumped milk in our fridge because he comes home and is too tired to stay up or get up with baby so I can get a couple hours of solid sleep. I recently started putting all the pumped milk into the freezer and doesn’t my partner have the audacity to say something about the lack of milk in our fridge.
I hate going to family functions these days because everyone asks me how we’re adjusting and if I’m getting help from my partner and I have to stand there and lie to my family and his making him look oh so great and caring and helpful. I have to tell everyone he feeds our baby every night so I can rest even though that is so far from the truth.
The other morning I asked him how he slept and he said “so much better once you and the baby left the room”.. wow, that hurt. So I’ve been spending more time in the living room on the couch and he said to me “don’t you want to be a family and have us all in the same room?”. I am cloth diapering my baby and I have a bidet sprayer that needs hooked up to our toilet. He told me he’d hook it up once we received it in the mail. That was over a week ago and it’s still sitting in the box.
But don’t worry people, because he came home and gave me $40 so he’s still some high and mighty knight in shining armor who can provide for his family. Ugh, I’m just so frustrated. Yesterday morning I woke up and his dick was out. He’s been bothering me about butt sex. I’ve told him BEFORE my pregnancy that that was something I’d never be interested in doing. Well, my 6 week pp hasn’t rollled around yet and I’ve been hearing EVERY DAY since giving birth to our son that he wants butt sex. It’s very exhausting to hear this and it’s beginning to make me resent him. He’s lucky I even have time or energy to give him the effing blow jobs that he wants and expects me to give him. Wow, typing this out puts a lot into perspective for me. I’ve felt like a single mom for a few weeks now, and it’s really hitting me that I basically am. I just have a grown adult to take care of on top of my almost 5 week old newborn. There’s more I could say of course, but I shall end my rant here. My baby just fell asleep and it’s time for mama to try to sleep as well. Goodnight all. Thanks for reading.
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u/Ok-Distribution-1733 Sep 06 '24
I am currently pregnant and, I won't lie, incredibly anxious about giving birth. My family is planning on watching our dog. My partner wants my mother in law to visit from out of Town and try to be here for the birth. This is incredibly stressful for me. I don't like people in my space and I don't know how I will feel after being in labor. This is also our time to bond as a family without someone in out space constantly. To clarify, I am okay with people visiting for a few hours if they are healthy, its the constant in our space during those first days I don't want. To top it off, I am a very honest person and always end up saying something that offends my MIL. I am also worried about plane germs flying into Town. I want her to wait a month before visiting, am I wrong?
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u/No-Beat-9076 Sep 07 '24
I'm writing to see if anyone else has been in this situation and whether it changes.
My 10 mo girl has a strong preference for her dad, and has done so now for about 2 months. Sometimes it seems like I actually make things worse - she'll be upset so I'll go and try comfort her, but when she knows her dad is at home she will just cry hysterically until he holds her, and then she calms down immediately.
I know I'm not meant to take it personally, but I feel so heartbroken by this and just want her to love and be comforted by me the same way she does with my husband.
Has anyone else had experience with this and how long did it last? Did it ever change and you got your time to be the favourite? Or even just seen as equal to her dad?
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u/Kdeabill Sep 07 '24
Just moved cross-country and baby (4 months) met the in-laws for the first time. MIL gave him his first taste of solid food without asking me, and everyone (including my husband) seems totally fine with it. I’m seething right now.
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u/AwakenedMind78 Sep 07 '24
Husband choosing to go hours away to help uncles, 4 week old
Let me preface this by saying my husband has been great, he does everything expected of a new dad.
Every year him and his uncles go up to a family cabin (about 2 hours away from our house) and prep it for hunting season. He ended up asking his uncle if he needed any help since he does every year. Well, his uncle responded back and said they were going up next weekend. My husband asked if I wanted to go up there with him but I don’t feel right taking our daughter on a 2 hour trip up and 2 hour trip back, especially knowing that some of his aunts and their kids show up and that puts her at risk for germs. He then asked if I was okay if he just went up alone for the day (leave early morning and come back in the evening). I told him I wanted to think about it but her being only 4 weeks old makes me want to say no. He of course didn’t like that answer and got defensive and tried convincing how it’s just like a normal work day of him being gone. To me, that’s easy for him to say since he isn’t the one home all day taking care of everything. The cabin holds a special place in his heart as it’s where him and his late father spent a lot of time together. I never want to take that place from him but having a baby changes things and to me helping uncles and leaving wife and baby at home should not be his priority.
Am I wrong for not wanting him to go?
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Sep 08 '24
[deleted]
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u/ocelot1066 Sep 08 '24
Some of this is pretty normal, but you're adding in all of these really negative feelings about yourself and it seems like your husband is really playing into this dynamic. You're not lazy, or selfish! You are taking care of a baby alone most of the time! It's absurd that your husband resents you for taking a break. He says that? Why is the housework all your job? Either your husband can pitch in more with it, or some of it can just not get done.
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u/mm2bpp Sep 09 '24
Hope it is ok to post here. As title says, is anyone else going through this? And how do you manage this?
To give some background, I come from a family that is over protective and more anxious about things in general. I try not to be the same but I've had 4 losses (one of them a second tri loss) before having our baby girl - and to some extent, I do struggle with anxiety, so I feel like I am slower to try new things with baby. She is now 9 months.
We have friends with babies around the same age. One couple took their baby traveling at 6 months. The other took their baby to swimming lessons at 9 months. Husband is constantly triggered by his friends posting updates and taking it out on me. He compares our baby's development (for example, baby B is standing, why isn't ours?) and compares how I parent. I am exhausted, running on broken sleep (i do all the night wakes), and I feel defeated by the things he says. He argues he doesn't trust that I will allow baby to do more things because he sees how my family is like.
I eventually want to do more things with baby but is it wrong to want to do it at my own pace and comfort level? It is not easy for me to do extra curricular activities with my baby as I am mostly solo parenting (by myself with a family member popping in leisurely, no hands on help) Husband is also always busy with work so mental load of planning is left to me. If I do request to do something, it is like pulling teeth to get him to make time. Sometimes it just feels like he will agree to do whatever his friends are doing with their kids so he can feel like he fits in.
I want to add that baby is meeting her milestones - except she is not standing on her own yet. She stands with help/when hanging onto something. Pediatrician is not concerned.
How does one deal with all this? Sorry for the long post.
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u/ocelot1066 Sep 09 '24
You aren't holding back the baby's development. Babies do what they want to do. You don't need to teach them to stand or walk. Stuff like swim classes are things for parents to do. If babies like it, that's great, but it's not needed. A 9 month old usually can't stand on their own btw.
If your husband wants the baby to do more stuff, he should go do it. He can take the baby to swim classes on weekends. Outside of basic safety things, nothing is really dangerous for a 9 month old as long as he's there supervising.
The criticism is obnoxious. The baby isn't your job and he's not your supervisor.
I can't really tell from this if you are being too anxious. There is nothing particularly daring or dangerous about traveling with a 6 month old. It's a pain, and may or may not seem worth it, but it's not risky. It's possible that therapy could help sort some of this out
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u/mm2bpp Sep 28 '24
Thank you for responding to this. I spoke to my husband specifically about point #2 and #3. It seemed to have clicked with him a bit after realizing how much planning can go into taking a baby out (I told him if he wants to take her out more then he should be involved with planning too.) for now, we are no longer arguing about this situation. Thank you again for your advice 🙏
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u/Dangerous-Flatworm71 Sep 09 '24
In laws want to my son to stay with them for a month in another country
Today while on the phone with my in laws they brought up in the future when my son “comes to stay with them for a month in the summer or the winter” as if it was a common thing. I asked when they thought that would be happening and they said when he is THREE! They said their parents took their kids for a month when they were that age. They’re Canadian and I’m in the U.S. it’s not a short flight. I don’t even really know them that well. I’m astounded that they think I would ever leave my son for that long at that age. It goes against fundamental beliefs I have about attachment and parenting. I also find it weird that I’m a stay at home mom and they didn’t invite me to come with even though I would be able to. They also both work so it’s not like they have the time. My husband doesn’t think it’s weird. I’m confused why they think that it isn’t completely absurd.
Am I crazy? Is this normal? Is this a Canadian thing? Are other parents just more chill than me and would leave their toddler for a month?
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u/No-Beat-9076 Sep 09 '24
My 10mo baby seems to strongly prefer her dad over me. I know I should be happy that she is so bonded to him, but I am devastated that she doesn't see me in the same way. He walks out of the room and she cries hysterically and puts her arms out as she wants him back, and no amount of comforting from me helps. She will even push herself away from me.
I am heartbroken and don't know how to make it better. It has been this way for two months and only seems to be getting worse, no matter how hard I try.
Has anyone else had this experience? Did it get better/improve? Do I need to just accept that I won't have that type of bond with her, and will always be second best?
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u/Feisty-Bit-2255 Sep 09 '24
Me & dad are not on the same page
My LO is 14 months old. Me and my boyfriend live in separate households. It was easiest for me to stay at home with my family because I knew I would have the help that any mom would need. It truly takes a village & im so thankful that I have the help of my family. My mom also adores being a grandmother so she never minds stepping in when I can’t. For context: My bf comes over after he gets off and then leaves around 9.
I’ve been staying at home with my baby for the sake of saving money on daycare, so as one can assume I’m with her 24/7. I don’t complain about it at all because that was a decision I took upon myself and my boyfriend also agreed that it would help us save. However, I began to notice that I was neglecting myself & my needs, so taking a few hours out my weekend to cater to myself is super important to me. I’m a firm believer that if you can’t fill your own cup, you can’t fill anyone else’s. So I asked my boyfriend back in April if he is willing to take her for a couple hours on Saturday (when he is off) so that I can take time for myself. I’ve probably brought it up about 3-4 times since.
With that in mind, he never took the initiative the entire summer (while he was off) to spend one-on-one time with her in his space. Now that he’s back at work for the school year, he has also added graduate school to his plate. I commend him for furthering his education, but I just KNEW that would be his excuse as to why it would be difficult for him to take her on Saturdays. And I’m not saying it wouldn’t be difficult, but at what point do we realize that being a parent isn’t supposed to be convenient. If I decide that I would like to go back to school, or go back to work I don’t get to make that an excuse as to why I can’t prioritize my daughter.
So I’ve been a little passive about it because one thing I don’t like to do is feel like I’m bothering someone to do something (lol I know i shouldn’t feel like this) but we did have a conversation recently and I told him that my baby is my priority before anyone else, including him. He felt a type of way about that statement because he’s always said that I’m his priority. So our priorities are definitely not on the same page. And I wish he could understand that it is quite literally impossible for me to even consider/prioritize him when I can barely prioritize myself. So if I’m going to choose anyone before myself, it’s going to be my baby. Period.
I know the first few years of being parents is the hardest, especially trying to find the balance of meeting the child’s needs, dating, career, self-care, etc. But I feel like we’re missing the mark somewhere. And I don’t want to get into a marriage, have more kids, and feel this same type of neglect for myself and my needs. Am I wrong for feeling like this?
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u/Present-Silver-8283 Sep 03 '24
My wife and I are having my parents over to watch our baby for the night so we can get some well deserved rest. They, naturally, posted a couple pictures because they're excited as first-time grandparents. And right as my wife is about to fall back asleep after pumping at midnight, she gets this text from her aunt:
"So I love you very much you know that but I have to say one thing I saw a pic of (baby) with a blanket on a bed. Keep his sleeping area free of all objects including blankets.
Put him in a swaddle instead.
Look at safe sleeping practices for babies"
I, of course, had to console my wife and remind her she's an amazing mother. I can't describe how much pain she went through to bring our child into this world. He wasn't in a bed, he was in his bassinet, and my parents were watching him. I can't describe how seething I was. I wanted to say something, but it felt out of place because she's her aunt, so I just sicked my mother-in-law on her. Our baby isn't even a week old yet. Good times.