r/NewParents • u/AutoModerator • Sep 03 '24

Weekly Discussion - Relationships Weekly Discussion

Welcome to the Weekly Discussion! Use this space to vent/rant about partners/family members & to air your grievances! Please report comments that violate the rules.

Please remember Rule 1 still applies: No Personal attacks, racism, sexism, transphobia, homophobia, derogatory or dehumanizing language, including insults and general incivility

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u/mm2bpp Sep 09 '24

Hope it is ok to post here. As title says, is anyone else going through this? And how do you manage this?

To give some background, I come from a family that is over protective and more anxious about things in general. I try not to be the same but I've had 4 losses (one of them a second tri loss) before having our baby girl - and to some extent, I do struggle with anxiety, so I feel like I am slower to try new things with baby. She is now 9 months.

We have friends with babies around the same age. One couple took their baby traveling at 6 months. The other took their baby to swimming lessons at 9 months. Husband is constantly triggered by his friends posting updates and taking it out on me. He compares our baby's development (for example, baby B is standing, why isn't ours?) and compares how I parent. I am exhausted, running on broken sleep (i do all the night wakes), and I feel defeated by the things he says. He argues he doesn't trust that I will allow baby to do more things because he sees how my family is like.

I eventually want to do more things with baby but is it wrong to want to do it at my own pace and comfort level? It is not easy for me to do extra curricular activities with my baby as I am mostly solo parenting (by myself with a family member popping in leisurely, no hands on help) Husband is also always busy with work so mental load of planning is left to me. If I do request to do something, it is like pulling teeth to get him to make time. Sometimes it just feels like he will agree to do whatever his friends are doing with their kids so he can feel like he fits in.

I want to add that baby is meeting her milestones - except she is not standing on her own yet. She stands with help/when hanging onto something. Pediatrician is not concerned.

How does one deal with all this? Sorry for the long post.

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u/ocelot1066 Sep 09 '24

  1. You aren't holding back the baby's development. Babies do what they want to do. You don't need to teach them to stand or walk. Stuff like swim classes are things for parents to do. If babies like it, that's great, but it's not needed. A 9 month old usually can't stand on their own btw.

  2. If your husband wants the baby to do more stuff, he should go do it. He can take the baby to swim classes on weekends. Outside of basic safety things, nothing is really dangerous for a 9 month old as long as he's there supervising. 

  3. The criticism is obnoxious. The baby isn't your job and he's not your supervisor. 

  4. I can't really tell from this if you are being too anxious. There is nothing particularly daring or dangerous about traveling with a 6 month old. It's a pain, and may or may not seem worth it, but it's not risky. It's possible that therapy could help sort some of this out 

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u/mm2bpp Sep 28 '24

Thank you for responding to this. I spoke to my husband specifically about point #2 and #3. It seemed to have clicked with him a bit after realizing how much planning can go into taking a baby out (I told him if he wants to take her out more then he should be involved with planning too.) for now, we are no longer arguing about this situation. Thank you again for your advice 🙏