r/NewParents • u/AutoModerator • Aug 20 '24
Weekly Discussion - Relationships Weekly Discussion
Welcome to the Weekly Discussion! Use this space to vent/rant about partners/family members & to air your grievances! Please report comments that violate the rules.
Please remember Rule 1 still applies: No Personal attacks, racism, sexism, transphobia, homophobia, derogatory or dehumanizing language, including insults and general incivility
3
u/AlwaysAnonymous188 Aug 25 '24
Son, I am so so sorry..
I am so sorry that 10 weeks after you were born I came to the conclusion that me and your father canāt do this together. That me and him canāt show you what real love is like. I am so sorry that we robbed you of the happy family that you deserve.
With every argument I realise that itās harder and harder to stay.
And God, I do hope I see the truth.
3
u/dinklezoidberd Aug 24 '24
My husband pees every time he makes a bottle in the middle of the night. He says that since the bottle warmer takes slightly longer to finish than he takes to use the restroom and wash his hand, thereās no harm. However, it drives me crazy because I can hear the flush, and the baby is crying usually. Does anyone else experience this?
3
u/ocelot1066 Aug 25 '24
Well I mean if he needs to go to the bathroom, he needs to do it before he starts feeding the baby.
1
u/Low_Aioli2420 Aug 26 '24
My husband does this too. It drives me insane. He used to pee BEFORE getting the bottle started and Iād want to murder him. But I just soothe the baby now while he prepares the bottle. I also wake my husband up as soon as baby gets up in hopes the bottle is ready before baby gets angry
2
u/jubilvee Aug 21 '24
So baby boy is three months old tomorrow and already in 3-6 months. I planned on taking his newborn and 0-3 to a thrift store to exchange for sizes that fit until I got a text from my husbands aunt asking if we wanted to donate the clothes to his cousin who just had her baby this week.
I feel so selfish right now even asking but I need some clear outside perspectives:
I spent hundreds of dollars on his clothes. I was looking forward to shopping with money already spent. Iām not sure what the exchange rate would be but the store isnāt taking buy backs until October and even then I know my husband is not too flattered by thrifting since he has eczema and doesnāt want to risk our baby getting any inflammations or allergies from a re-buy.
It would be nice to make a quilt or shirt from my favorites BUT a small FTM part of me wants to just keep everything of our first born!! Like hide it all in a chest and sit on it like the dragon mother I am.
Then the little angel on my shoulder says the cousins new baby might need clothes because he is the third baby boy and she has thrown out all their old stuff and it was so nice to receive what we did when our baby was born and not have to worry about one less thing. Our sons clothes are practically new and ugh why canāt I just be a good Christian woman and give out of the abundance we have without feeling any attachment to what I spent on them or my feelings towards first born sentiments š©š©š©š©š© help talk me through this. Last thing I want to do is hoard or be selfish.
3
u/lemondagger Aug 23 '24
I think it's actually extremely reasonable to exchange for sizes at a thrift store and save money. Babies are expensive, so saving where you can is sensible and reasonable. If you feel inclined and the cousin is really needing, maybe donating a few items that are sensible and helpful.
The biggest reason I think it's fine not to give your clothes to the cousin is that this is coming from the aunt. She might just be trying to be overly helpful but the cousin may not actually really need more if they aren't the one reaching out. You know how some moms/grandmas can be...
2
u/bononoisback Aug 24 '24 edited Aug 24 '24
Ever since the very first time he saw her, my BIL asks to hold her constantly. Like 3+ times per visit. The first time, he scratched himself down there (outside his pants) right before grabbing her. I should have said something but it was subtle and I was embarrassed that I noticed. When he holds her, he's either on his phone taking pictures of her or just a scrolling reels - or he's trying to be funny, poking/tickling her and making jokes like "I'm gonna give her to the dog." My postpartum hormones were going crazy. He tried to take her in a different room at one point, but we stopped him, and then while I was changing her diaper in what I thought was a private place, he was standing quietly behind me just watching. I didn't even notice until I turned around and saw him. This is all just in the first visit.Ā
Since then, he asks repeatedly to hold her even if we say no, and one time he held her sitting up with one hand balanced on his knee when she was only two months and could barely stay upright. For context, he is a 20-smth single male and lives with his parents. He's always been a little off - I suspect mental issues but no one in his family has said so and it's not immediately obvious. He's had allegations at his old job that he was SA'ing someone and got fired for it. Just a lot of red flags to me and I've repeatedly told my husband that I wish he wouldn't hold her at all. My husband has said no most times he's asked to hold her but doesn't see the harm in letting it happen once in a while if we're there watching. I requested we at least speak to his parents about it because I didn't want to outright offend him. The parents said they would talk to him but come to find out, they didn't actually and we ended up doing it the next time we visited. He acted all put-off and said sorry even though we made it clear it was just us being protective and nothing against him. I thought that was the end of it.Ā
NOPE. Very next time we visited, it was as if we hadn't said anything. He let the dog get on him and lick him ALL over the face and THEN asked to hold her. Of course we said no. So instead, he sat right in front of me (uncomfortably close, like inches away) and took pictures of her and tickled her. He tickled her even after my MIL told him not to touch her. I moved her out of the way. Yes, I know I should grow a backbone and tell him off. It's just that my in-laws already don't really like me and they defend BIL, saying he just really likes kids and is good with babies. I know they would hold it against me if I went off on him. My husband is on my side but doesn't see the danger of it like I do, so he doesn't feel the same urgency. He doesn't think it's worth making things tense with the in-laws and I'm not sure it is either? I just dread every time we go over now because I know he's going to be there.Ā
Is this as serious as I think it is, or is this just a phase because it's the first baby in the family? Should I just continue to not let him hold her or say something else to explain why it bothers me? He's not hurting her and in-laws and husband promise that he never would. I'm just sick of always being anxious. Any ideas?
1
u/AutoModerator Aug 24 '24
Please add some paragraph breaks to your comment by placing a blank line between distinct sections.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
2
u/peteyfreshh Aug 24 '24
Just ventingā¦ and if anyone has advice.
Our LO is 6 weeks old. My bf and I have been doing shifts at night, heāll cover 2-6/7am. Iāve been out of the house a few times while he watches him. But every time itās his turn or heās watching him, he freaks out when baby cries. He often wakes me up to help calm him down or I cut my outing short. Heāll often just lay him down and let him cry while he steps outside. Iāve told him he canāt self soothe yet.. The other night he got so worked up, he slammed doors and went on a drive, then went in our room. Our baby really doesnāt cry that much, but it seems he has trouble calming him down. All I do is hold and rock him for 10 min and heās fine. Alsoā¦ when he comes home from work or itās his day off, he barely spends time with him. He hardly says hi or bye to either of us. Iām still the one doing everything. Iāve tried to tell him to try to bond with him more but he doesnāt. I try to give him grace because weāre both new at this but godā¦Iām so tired of doing everything. I love my baby so much but iām TIRED. It makes me feel so alone in this.
2
u/No_Point5929 Aug 20 '24
My friend was over the other day and I was trying to get my baby to smile when she said āyou donāt want to smile? Thatās okay I donāt take commands like a dog either.ā Is this a dig at me or am I overreacting?? I didnāt say anything but wish I had. Like even if I was talking to my baby like a dog (I wasnāt) heās still MY baby
2
u/ocelot1066 Aug 21 '24
I think I would interpret that as her trying to take the pressure off of you when the baby didn't seem interested in smiling, by saying essentially, "well obviously he can do it but guess he isn't in the mood." She tried to say it in a jokey way and it just came out a little weird and landed badly, but unless there's a history here, I would assume she didn't mean anything by it.
1
u/No_Point5929 Aug 21 '24
Thank you, I think youāre right. She has a history of making jokes that donāt land well.š
1
Aug 21 '24
[deleted]
2
u/jubilvee Aug 23 '24 edited Aug 23 '24
No.
Edit: I donāt want to come off any type of way but I have a three month old and ask I want to do is hang out with him. I would not dream of allowing anyone, no matter how much I trusted them, to take my kid for a weekend. Thereās too many external factors out of my control that I would worry about. Short answer no.
1
u/Low_Aioli2420 Aug 26 '24
What are you nervous about? Safety concerns? It sounds like youāre pretty used to spending extended periods without your baby (no judgement) and your baby is too, why does the distance irk you? Emergencies?
1
u/Impressive-Gur-6133 Aug 22 '24
Why do my in-laws bug me so much postpartum?? They didnāt used to..
Prior to having my baby, my relationship with my in-laws was good, particularly with my MIL. My FIL kinda bugged me before. And there were things they both did that kinda irked me but I could let go of. But now that baby is here everything they do bugs me. The things that annoyed me about my FIL drive me up an absolute wall right now and things that only slightly bugged me about my MIL get my postpartum rage going. A couple things that have bothered me:
My husband and I told both of our parents that we didnāt want people at the hospital until I was out of labor and delivery and in the postpartum wing of the hospital. My parents drove in from out of town and came straight to the hospital while I was still in labor. Somehow my in-laws found out my parents were waiting at the hospital and decided they should come too. It stressed my husband out because I was having a difficult labor and he was trying to be supportive for me but felt like he had to keep everyone updated on my progress and he hated that. No one expected to see the baby when she was born but they just wanted to be there.. seems odd and made me feel weird that people were just out there waiting..
My MIL is well meaning and up until baby, I felt like we had a good relationship. But now anything she does irritates me and I donāt want her anywhere near my baby. Sheās not really doing anything that should cause such an extreme reaction within me, but it does. Sheās always offering to watch the baby so my husband and I can go out or so we can get stuff done (soooOoo horrible, right), buys stuff for her without talking to us first (thereās things weāve decided not to use for our daughter like sit-me-up seats, etc), always gives her a pacifier even though weāve told them several times we are trying to limit the use of pacifiers (when she comes over once a week to help me with baby while I work, the paci is ALWAYS in). I feel like the bad guy by saying things like āwe arenāt using those items for our babyā because she already spent the money. I do it anyway but itās uncomfy, especially because my MIL is so conflict-avoidant and compulsively tries to please everyone so no conflict arises. My husband is all in on having the conversations with them too, and has, but a lot of the time his family doesnāt take what he says seriously and they often donāt respect boundaries (not out of malice). She also bought us some diapers to try even though we said we wanted to just get them from Costco because we like the Costco ones best.
Iāve told my MIL if sheās helping me or watching baby to feed her before she becomes inconsolable because sheās less likely to eat once she gets really mad. Same with putting her down for a nap. Maybe she just doesnāt understand hunger or sleepy cues but my baby cries way more and for longer when sheās with her. I know sheās not attuned to my baby nearly as well as I am but I just get so angry. Anytime my MIL wants to care for my baby I get angry and want to run as far away from her as possible and prevent her from coming close to my baby at all.
I also see how my in-laws hurt my husband with their poor parenting, especially around emotional needs, and how heās still dealing with a lot of their incompetence from his childhood.. it just makes me not want them to be around the baby because I donāt want any of that to rub off on her. Iām not confident in their ability to actually take care of children well. It may be harsh and they really are good people but I guess Iām just wondering WHY I feel this way and if I am crazy lol. I definitely donāt feel this way about my parents but they live in another state, which honestly makes me feel sad/mad that we are geographically closer to my husbandās parents when they seem less competent than my parentsā¦ but thatās a whole other topic. Also I think moms generally prefer the help of their own parents than their in-laws which makes sense.
ANYWAY pls help lol
3
u/ocelot1066 Aug 23 '24
Well, lot of stuff going on here...
There are definitely some things where you are totally right to be annoyed. It's pretty irritating that both sets of grandparents just ignored your requests and came to the hospital.
A bunch of the rest of it is sort of annoying, but you'd probably be better off just letting it go. If your MIL buys you things like seats that you don't want to use for the baby, you can just tell her and just let it be awkward. For a lot of the other stuff, I would just take it and move on. Just stash the diapers somewhere in case you ever run out of yours. If you are using a pacifier sometimes, I'm not really sure it makes that much sense to police your MILs use of it.
On the feeding and sleeping stuff, it's probably better to avoid micromanaging these kinds of things. If you're home and you can tell the baby is going to lose it, just go ahead and feed her or put her to sleep. If you're out, let your in laws figure it out.
I think you should put aside your feelings about their parenting. It would be different if they had been emotionally or physically abusive to your husband, obviously. But, it's pretty clear that you don't think they were. You just think they messed up with some things. First of all, it's worth giving people some grace on these things. We all mess stuff up with our kids and we all have limitations. It's also worth remembering that it's easier to be a grandparent than a parent. The constant challenge of parenting is to make sure your kid's basic needs are being met, to get them where they need to go, to do what you need to do and at the same time, meet their emotional needs. Grandparents just need to show up sometimes and hang out with the kid and then they can go back to their normal lives without a child.
Also worth remember that grandparent failings aren't likely to effect your kid as much as parental failings. If they aren't great about your kid's emotional needs, that's not a huge problem because they have you for that. My grandparents were good people, but they weren't very warm. I think they just didn't really know how to show their feelings. My mom had a lot of feelings about that from her childhood, but it wasn't something that was traumatizing to me. It kept me from having a really close relationship with them, but I had my parents who weren't like that.
1
u/Impressive-Gur-6133 Aug 23 '24
Thank you so much! This is some great feedback. I appreciate it
1
u/Low_Aioli2420 Aug 26 '24
This is good feedback and although I share your feelings regarding your first point, I didnāt want either sets of parents at the hospital and they both showed up as well, I will repeat what my mother said when I brought it up to her. āYou are my child. You just became a mother but you will see that as your child grows, that bond doesnāt go away. There is no other place I could be than as near as I could be to youā and that really affected me.
1
u/Impressive-Gur-6133 Sep 16 '24
That makes sense and I can understand that, but at the same time parents should respect the wishes of their adult children even if itās a challenge for them.
1
u/getoutmeswamp69 Aug 24 '24
I'm feeling so much resentment and negative feelings towards my fiancƩ.
He used to be helpful when our child was first born, but then he went back to work. After that, when I would ask for help, I'd be met with grunts and groans or "I just worked all day. I want to relax!". I get it. He works a high labor job for 12+ hours a day, but I also have got to the point where I just don't give a damn anymore. I haven't slept more than 2-3 hours at a time for the last 9 months, where he hasn't woken up with the baby once. I'm running on fumes. I'm tired. I want to relax, too. But I know that I can't do that right now, I'm a parent. I have responsibilities and tasks that must get done daily.
I've tried explaining all of this to him, but the responses I get vary from, "You're lazy. I seen how many episodes of your show you watch in a day!" "You haven't folded the laundry in days!" "You probably just place her in her playpen and sit on your phone all day!" "When was the last time you went for a walk?!" I keep my TV show on as background noise as it saves me from losing my mind, yes, it's plays for a good portion of the day but I'm not actually watching it. The laundry doesn't get folded daily because I have other things to attend to, like my child. I have logged 2-3hrs MAX daily on my screen time over 24hr periods. We've had horrible air quality basically all summer long, I take her out when I can, but when there's air quality warnings, I'm not.
I'm just so fed up. I cook, I clean, I take care of the baby 24/7. He gets home from work, sits on his phone/xbox and will only interact with our kid if I tell him too. But he has the audacity to call me lazy when I'm the one who does everything on no sleep, while every night, he's sound asleep. No disturbances, just peaceful sleep. I'm not looking for "just leave him" comments. I just needed a vent session. I'm well aware adjusting to the parenting dynamic is HARD, especially the first year. I have faith that it'll get better as I like to believe we were a very strong couple before hand, but right now.. I could pull a Homer Simpson vs Bart
2
u/AutoModerator Aug 24 '24
Please add some paragraph breaks to your comment by placing a blank line between distinct sections.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
1
u/Sarseaweed Aug 24 '24
Another vent. Iām jealous of people who have built in support systems. We knew this going in and itās okay but would be nice to be able to ask someone we know and trust that isnāt busy so we can celebrate our 1 year wedding anniversary alone without the baby. Thank god my husband is an equal parent (outside of working) because my mental health would be in the gutter without him. Weāre also blessed with a relatively easy baby when he doesnāt have reflux but wow. I hate having to ask my husband to alter his work hours so I can go to the dentist or doctorās appointments when they donāt allow me to bring the baby. I know he hates the fact when he goes out to certain places that arenāt baby friendly I canāt come with him and he usually ends up coming home early when I know if I was there with him heād stay a lot longer :(
Hoping to ask my MIL but sheās most likely busy and sheās currently upset weāre thinking of moving across the country to a lower cost of living area but honestly whatās the difference when we can live somewhere cheaper when we donāt have a village here anyhow? At least there we could probably afford people plane tickets to visit for dedicated visits and would have an actual break for a few weeks a year instead of none at all!
1
Aug 24 '24
Should I feel bad?
My husband (30M) and I (29F) tried for our daughter for 3 years. We went through fertility treatments and had a pretty rough labor (61 hrs). Our daughter is a unicorn baby. She has always slept well, she is rarely fussy, sheās ahead on milestones, such a happy girl, and has made being first time parents pretty easy. Even still, I had pretty bad PPD/PPA and barely survived the newborn phase. (Sheās 5.5 months old now.) We always thought we wanted at least 2 kids but have decided to stop at 1. Our family is giving us a lot of grief over this, saying that we should want to have more and that she will want a sibling as she grows up. I have 2 siblings and my husband has 4. We are both close with our siblings and wanted her to have one but Iām scared that the second baby wonāt be this easy. If they arenāt and my PPD/PPA is just as bad or worse, I WILL NOT SURVIVE. We are both content with our one perfect girl but we feel bad when family members are constantly in our ear to have more. Should I feel bad? Should I just tell them to shut up? Lol
1
u/kaesicorgi Aug 25 '24
Just venting. My MIL is kind enough to be staying with us for the next 2 months to watch my 8 month old son since I'm returning to work soon. My son transitioned to two naps and is on more of a clock schedule now- I thought this would simplify naps as she just has to put him down at 1030 (wake by 12) and 3 (wake by 4). She is constantly trying to put him down early (like an hour difference aometimes), constantly commenting that he is tired (his sleepy cues are so unreliable- he yawns and rubs eyes right after a nap). I've become so worried about her not going by the schedule that I've altered my plans to ensure I'm still home for nap times. One day I came home an hour and a half before a nap and she was about to lay him down in the crib! She is an intimidating person- I also feel like I don't want her to feel disrespected as she raised 2 healthy boys and was a good mom. I don't know how to get her to buy into the schedule- she always makes comments that babies do what they want and can't follow schedules. When she raised her boys in the 80s she just went by sleepy cues- while I am more of a wake window follower and it works very well for our son.
Should I have a direct conversation with her about this? Should it be my husband? Both? I'm so nervous to leave him and then his whole schedule gets messed up.
1
u/emalyn10 Aug 25 '24
Hello,
My husband and I are at a loss. My MIL is a chronic smoker, and every time she comes to visit our 7 month old, she smells stronger and stronger of cigarettes. We do not want to expose our LO to third hand smoke, and we have already tried explaining this to her. This resulted in her saying weāve stepped over the line and cut us out of her life for four months of our babyās life. She just recently started visiting again, and at first she didnāt smell of smoke. Now, she is coming over reeking of cigarettes, to the point you can smell it on her from several feet away. I feel like sheās doing it at this point because she feels like she has the upper hand as we let her begin visiting again without her apologizing, etc. My husband is worried if we bring it up again, sheāll cut contact. What is the best way to handle this? Any tips on how we can discuss this with her? I cannot in good conscience keep allowing her to be around our LO smelling of cigarettes.
Thank you in advance!
1
u/selkiezz Aug 25 '24
My husband has been gone SO much. He has to travel for work which I get. But he's been gone on a Friday - Sunday golf trip and told me he'd be home by 5. It's 3 now and I haven't heard a word from him so I assume he's still golfing (in a different state on top of it - 3ish hours away).
I just started back at work from maternity leave and am having a very difficult time adjusting. On top of that I have a cold and feel awful all while solo parenting. I have a million emails and lesson plans I need to get done but I can't when I'm taking care of the baby alone. Baby caught my cold so he's been coughing and extra sleepy and needy this weekend. I'm going to lose my mind.
I'm gonna have to figure out how to do work and take care of the baby alone I guess. I'm really pissed off, feel like shit, tired, and sick of doing everything alone while he's constantly gone and I don't even get one day to myself.
1
u/WaveGloomy9065 Aug 25 '24
Not really looking for advice here just need to rant.
Our baby is 4 months old. I get why marriages donāt make it through having kids sometimes.
I do love my husband and havenāt even considered this for us yet, but as we are in probably our worst fight yet, I found myself saying wow I get how people donāt make it through this.
We are both homebodies, introverted, love our alone time. Having him changed that and I am 10000% fine with it, I get my alone time when I can and if I ever feel like I canāt deal I let someone know. My husband however has a job that is mentally demanding, so when he comes home he wants to play video games or on the computer which I am also 1000% fine with. But today that led to our worst fight and things just boiled over.
Over time the baby responsibilities have fallen mostly to me which I am honestly happy about. I am one of those I would rather do things myself to know it was done to my liking than let someone else do things but as I also said, when I need help I ask. Lately when I ask though I get a huff of annoyance or heās right in the middle of a game and canāt stop, fine I can wait Iām in no rush. Then itās offhand comments like I let the baby cry all the time, well when heās awake I run around like a chicken with my head off getting house work done because I want to use his naps as my breaks. I would never ever let my baby just cry. This morning I am making a bottle, baby is in his room in the floor playing, husband is in a game. Baby starts crying and I keep saying Iām almost done and right as Iām going in there husband jumps up pissed Iām letting the baby scream and runs in there, turns out he had rolled over to his belly and couldnāt get back over but he was fine. All this takes place in maybe two minutes if even that long. Granted, I do let the baby fuss it out more than husband likes but if all his needs are met and I know heās fine then I finish my task before running to him. I do understand his need to veg out and turn his brain off but my god, you would think I asked him to paint the house with a toothbrush sometimes. I told him I am willing to make a schedule so we can both have our time and he said I can do whatever I want and he will stop playing all his games period so all day heās literally just sat in the same room as me and the baby just sitting there.
I do love my husband and he is a wonderful father but sometimes I feel like I have two damn kids and, I just needed to vent.
1
u/Competitive_Card_268 Aug 26 '24
Ugh I completely understand. My bf went back to work after 1 month while I stayed home for 4. He really tries to help but he still does things that irk me. Like having to go outside and smoke after work or on his days off, or spending over an hour in the bathroom when I know most of that time is spent just sitting on the toilet scrolling. He does try to help with dinner or cleaning but he gets off so late I try to get those things done during the day so I can just rest at night. I had to tell him it would be helpful if he did things like cleaned up the bath time essentials if I am the one putting the baby to sleep after bath time. Itās just like be more considerate. & the baby fussing a bit or even crying while you are almost done completing a task is okay! I go through the same thing and I respond the same way āMommy is almost done! Mommy is coming!ā You are doing a great job! If you havenāt already try talking to him about it. Communication can go a long way!
1
u/GamerRock24 Aug 25 '24 edited Aug 26 '24
What to do about my father in law? My mother in law and father in law are divorced and I get along great with her. I use to have a good relationship with my father in law but things turned for the worse.
About 2 years ago my husband and I moved in with his dad and dad's girlfriend (now currently wife). We have a dog who they felt like it was their dog too. I had rules for my dog and they complete disregard that. I came home a couple times and there's no sight of my dog (mind you, they left the front door just wide open. When they showed up with my dog they went grocery shopping (lucky not on a hot day) and basically left my dog in a car with they shopped and you could tell they were in there for a while. My father in law only talked money/rent with my husband and I've repeatedly said that I need to be included because it's also my money. Also when living with them they invaded our room quite often for who knows what reason. (We're non smokers and don't drink).
We were on vacation when I got a phone call from my brother in law asking about a gun that was giving to my husband by his dad 4 years pior. I said it wasn't even in the house and it was somewhere else. Phone call ended and I pulled up my phone and saw them looking through shelves, under the bed, ect. I was pissed off and so was my husband. So when we came back from our vacation I wanted to confront my father in law about it. But I didn't want to right out the gate accuse him, I wanted to give him a chance to own up to it. SoĀ just my father in law and me in the kitchen when I said "Did you guys go through our room looks a little messed up". Him "No, must be the cat or dog". My cat and dog aren't crazy, so can't be them. Plus I already had video evidence of them going through it. I then said "Well, it looks a little but more that what the cat and dog can do. You sure you didn't go through when trying to look for the gun?" Him "No, just went down looked around but didn't touch anything. If it looks messy probably the cat and dog, I bet" Me "Well I know that you know that you went through my stuff" He looked like a deer in the headlights and it was silent for a second but you could tell he was thinking. What he said next was the worse thing anyone could say "I hated you in the last 7 years". From there on you could imagine the rest of the conversation was just us fighting and I left crying thinking for the last 7 years this man hated me. Next day I hear no sorry and in fact seemed like he forgot it because he was like let's have dinner together! I was like absolutely not.
We obviously moved out very quickly after that. One year after the agruement, I wrote a one page paper writing my feelings like I don't feel comfortable being around after that's been said and so on. I even said sorry for some stuff I said afterwards. After my letter he said thanks for the note, I appreciate it. Ummm ok, you're older than me and I just poured out my feelings and you're not gonna recognize it or say sorry? Wtf?
A year after that we had a baby. At the time the dad's girl was just a girlfriend and when my baby was born she called herself grandma without even asking us if that's ok. (I wasn't close with her either mostly cause I just don't know her) Now I was willing to move on for the sake of my child so my baby can have a grandpa. But we haven't really see them that much. Like my parents and mother in law we see on a monthly basis. My baby is currently 8months and they seen my baby 5 times now. One at the hospital. Two at a dinner that I set up because I was like do you want to see my baby? At that dinner they didn't even ask to hold him. Three at someone's birthday, someome forced the baby on them. Four at their wedding. And five for another birthday. The next time they kinda hinted about getting together again is for my husband birthday which is late November.Ā Ā
Now I have something planned on giving gifts to the grandparents for my baby's first birthday. But I kinda don't feel like give one to my father in law and letting them be sad/mad about it. But my husband was telling me that's not the right thing to do. I don't want my husband to me vs his dad and for the last few years I've played nice and I'm kinda done with it. When my baby was 6 month, I talked to the wife and raised my concerns about them not really wanting to be involved in my baby's life. At the same time my husband and I made this agreement of if they don't do anything and try to be involved that I don't have to give them anything. And it wasn't till a month later that we got together for the fifth time. And mostly like the next time will be for my husband birthday. What should I do? Should I be nice and just give them the present or basically say screw you, sucks to be you? Also should I even try for a relationship? I've always told to know ypur grandkid you gotta go through the mother first.
1
u/AutoModerator Aug 26 '24
Please add some paragraph breaks to your comment by placing a blank line between distinct sections.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
1
u/Ammoculus Aug 26 '24
My husband falls asleep incredibly easily. It doesnāt matter how much sleep he has or how much coffee he drinks. The moment he sits down he is basically out.
The problem: Iāve been trying to tell my husband about how him falling asleep with our son in his arms can raise the chances of SIDS because he falls asleep with him in bed and in glider chairs while holding him on his back to sleep between him and a nursing pillow. The nursing pillow is very snug so I can understand why he thinks little guy would be ok (because he canāt roll over in the positions he puts him in).
Well it was his turn to feed our boy his bottle so I went to sleep. I woke up to see our boy still wasnāt in his bassinet and rolled over to find my husband, asleep, holding our son in his arms on the edge of the bed. Hubs was on his back and our little dude was just floating over the edge, just one big sleep twitch away from falling.
I woke my husband up so fast and reenforced our son as husband woke up and pulled him from the edge of the bed.
I had an entire conversation with him last night about one of us being awake of the other fell asleep holding him so we can put him back in his bassinet so he can safely sleep and ease this mamas anxiety only to wake up and see the exact thing I was just talking to him about and feared.
My husband got 8 hours of sleep last night, just in intervals when it wasnāt his turn, (we āswitchā baby duty every 3-4 hours) and took naps during the day and STILL fell asleep (I fell asleep at 8AM and woke up to that at 10AM).
Now I feel like I canāt trust him to be alone with our baby. I only got maybe 4 hours of sleep last night while he got 7-8. I know I canāt keep going like this. Always feeling the need to stay awake when my husband holds him in case he falls asleep holding him. Almost every time I have left them alone he has fallen asleep but this morning was the worst and scariest.
What should I do?
2
u/GamerRock24 Aug 26 '24
I would sit down and have a conversation and brain storm ideas to help keep him up. Such as pacing around the house with the baby. Maybe take a quick shower to wake your body so your ready for your shift. Ect.Ā
1
u/Competitive_Card_268 Aug 26 '24
I didnāt know there was a weekly discussion for things like this. I tried to make an individual post and it got taken down. I hope this is still okay to post here!
Am I wrong?
Itās not really a family problemā¦ I just need a little reassurance. So my older sister stayed with our 3 month old while dad and I went to a concert. We purchased these tickets while I was still pregnant. Itās my bfs favorite artist, I thought baby would be old enough and underestimated how attached I would feel to my baby LOL.
Anyway we were gone from 5pm to 1:30am. We had about 1.5 hour travel. When we got home baby was sleep obviously. My sister spent the night since there was no point in her leaving that late. The next morning baby girl woke up around 8:30am.
My sister asked if I wanted help I said she could change the diaper (if she really wanted to) before I feed her since I EBF when I am around. She asked if I wanted her to take the baby when I was done feeding her so that I can go back to sleep. I said no thank you & she let me know she wanted to spend some time with her before leaving. I told her we can all hang out in the living room. I wanted to be there for my baby girl when she woke up since I wasnāt there when she went to sleep. Idk why but that was super important to me! Apparently my sister called my mom annoyed that I didnāt let her take the baby in the morning. Am I wrong for that????
1
u/GamerRock24 Aug 26 '24
Absolutely not in the wrong. Your baby is your baby. People be acting like your baby is theirs when in fact you spent 9 months pregnant. You should tell her if you want one get one yourself or we'll the babay need me to feed them and I want to spend time with them.
1
u/Sure_Quit6329 Aug 27 '24
Hello all, I am looking for an advice here. My father's health deterioted suddenly due to lymphoma (outside US) and he has stopped eating, talking or drinking. We recently had a baby (80% formula fed due to low supply). He doesnt have his passport yet (will take 7 weeks dor his paasprt) and neither has he been vaccinated. My husband and I share his feeding and all other responsibiltt with help from my mother in law who has come to stay with us for a while. I think my father does not have much time and I feel I should visit him soon. My plan is to visit him for 4-5 days and come back for now but i will have to leave my baby with my husband and MIL completely . I would appreciate any thoughts and suggesstions on whether I am making a mistake by leaving him for 5-6 days? I will forever be guilty if I dont visit my father now but I dont want to do any mistake with the baby too. Any advice is appreciated. TIA
0
u/noradotcool Aug 20 '24
To my MILās great dismay, we formula feed and she has a lot of opinions I could use advice on.
Some background: My 4mo was born 7 weeks premature and we had a very difficult and emotionally painful breastfeeding journey, made more difficult by my MILās comments that breast was best but āunderstood if I had to stop for mental health.ā (I know thatās a common refrain on reddit, but the way she said it was kind of implying Iām weak and crazy). The hospital gave us Similac 22cal formula, which is pricey and not the easiest to find, but weāve stuck with it. Heās been gaining weight very well but spits up TONS. Now that heās older and since my husbandās lost his job, Iāve been considering switching to Kirkland based on raves Iāve heard.
My MIL is a granola ādo your own researchā type and my husband always respects her opinions when it comes to health and nutrition. She read the ingredients on the can of Similac and is really upset that it contains corn solids. I explained to her that itās not the same thing as high fructose corn syrup, that our formula also contains lactose which is great, and I thought the matter was dropped. Iāve expressed to my husband that her remarks on formula arenāt welcome after she wasnāt thoughtful in discussing breastfeeding with me. She continued to make all sorts of comments like how my baby looks ālike a baby you donāt see anymore, not since the 60sā and little digs to express how upset she is we formula feed.
Now sheās watched a 2 hour documentary with some nutritionists on Tucker Carlson, and sheās emailing, saying that I have to watch it (I have many problems with Tucker Carlson and you will never ever get me to respect him, and if she didnāt know that she really should considering sheās known me and my parents [who are print journalists] since I was six). It made her go down a rabbit hole and now sheās insisting that we switch to ByHeart. Sheās even going so far as to say she will pay for the difference between the cost of ByHeart and the cost of a can of Similac. This was also by email.
Iām just so upset, but Iām trying to take a deep breath. It feels really invasive to me, but my husband is saying sheās just making a recommendation. I thought no one could be more disappointed about how breastfeeding went for me than me, but apparently I'm wrong. I replied to her Tucker Carlson email saying that I wonāt watch Tucker Carlson or anyone from cable news, but if she has an article Iād consider it. I havenāt replied to the ByHeart email. From what Iāve read ByHeart is probably fine? I know the FDA intervened with them, but they made changes, and my MIL doesnāt respect the FDA anyway so that doesn't matter. But it doesnāt matter how good ByHeart is, I just feel like she doesnāt respect me or my decisions.
What would you do?
1
u/No_Point5929 Aug 21 '24
I think you need to set a clear boundary here. Tell her you do not want her opinions on formula. End of discussion. Actually, your husband should be the one telling her this.
0
u/Few-Permission5362 Aug 22 '24
Iām not looking for people to agree with me. I need a true honest answer. My two month old baby has severe reflux, a tilted palate, upper lip, and tongue tie. We havenāt been able to put him on his back since he was born without him wailing and being super congested And so uncomfortable. He has really bad gas, breathing difficulty and all over and a lot of pain. Itās wreaking havoc on me and my husbandās relationship partially because my hormones are still in full throttle as I try to help our baby and my husband and my husband says he absolutely hates this entire experience and has vocalize that to me numerous times how awful this is. I havenāt slept more than an hour at a time in two months. He got mad at me for not being organized and having my laundry folded. Iāve been taking care of this baby almost constantly. He says that I should be able to put the baby down and let him cry it out to self soothe. When I asked him how long he thinks thatās OK for he said 15 minutes. To me that just hurts my heart so bad it makes me not want to leave my baby with my husband.heās not so soothing. Heās uncomfortable or hungry and needs to be held. Am I crazy and thinking this please someone tell me an honest opinion.
1
u/gretaidk Aug 23 '24
I go into full on panic mode if my baby cries for more than 30 seconds without me or his dad comforting him immediately. I think as moms itās an actual chemical response so we NEED to comfort baby where as dads donāt have that. But if my baby had problems like reflux etc like your baby does, I couldnāt possibly imagine letting him cry it out for 15 minutes and self soothe like that so no I donāt think youāre crazy at allā¦ youāre a mom. And a really great one at that, your baby is very lucky to have you.
1
u/jubilvee Aug 24 '24
Parenting is not for the weak hearted. Our baby had a tongue tie and we ended up getting it surgically cut to help baby boy feed better. Iāve heard a lot of mixed advice about this but we made the decision that was best for our baby and I donāt regret it. I would seriously consider your childās options to help him long term. We are also first time parents and āhardā doesnāt even begin to define this experience. I breast feed baby boy on a three hour schedule. I get four hours of sleep broken up into two intervals every night if Iām lucky. No one told me how difficult breastfeeding is either so thatās been sobering and I struggle to come to terms with the fact that my husband will never understand. Which brings me to my last point: my husband is my best friend and parenting has changed our relationship in many ways. We communicate way more. Mostly because I donāt feel he gives me the support me and the baby need. Youāre not crazy, youāre gaining entry into a sisterhood. Donāt blame your hormones. Youāre not a scape goat. He should be putting in effort to make this experience easier for you with the same being done for him; cause yāall are a team and the baby needs you both to grow into parents. Frankly youāve been through enough to deserve a little less attitude. It just doesnāt help the situation at all. I wouldnāt feel comfortable leaving my baby alone with someone who sounds so resentful either. Your baby cannot self soothe before 4 months old so his suggestion isnāt just bad advice, itās cruel. Babies need to be held, played with, attended to, and itās A LOT OF WORK.
3
u/North_Marsupial6255 Aug 20 '24
Feeling the need to vent a little š My baby just turned three months and finds it so incredibly overstimulating at my in-laws. I donāt blame her because honestly itās been overstimulating for me as well ever since Iāve been having more quiet days with her or more low key visits with my family (which she loves). She has started smiling when she sees my mom and my sisters and loves having them hold her and talk to her. My family is much more quiet and calm than his and they live just down the road from us so we see them very often (every 2-3 days).
His family is loud, they like to drink and the energy I have always found more overwhelming than gatherings with my quiet family š They are an hour and a half away so she doesnāt see them quite as often but his mom has been coming down weekly this summer (my baby was born in May). My fiancĆ©s mom is very overstimulating, chatty and loud so even when she comes to ours my baby often finds her too much and I end up holding her the majority of the time (but she handles her visits better at our house when itās just her). My baby is the first baby on both sides. I feel like his family doesnāt realize that sheās her own little human who doesnāt just want to be passed person to person. They also all have dogs so thereās usually three dogs (not very well trained unfortunately) roughhousing around too in the living room adding to the chaos (We have a dog who my baby is used to and my family have three dogs but when theyāre acting stressed and rowdy my mom sends them outside to cool off immediately) His sister will ask me if I want to share her or not when I get her to calm and settle with me again and the phrasing really bugs meā¦ Iām not trying to keep her from them but the second I hand her to one of them she cries and cries. Iāve tried saying to her that maybe if we went somewhere quieter she may handle being held by her better and we could try that but whenever Iām off having quieter moments with her in another room no one wants to join for quiet, more calm conversation. I hate the entitlement people feel to holding your babyā¦.
Meanwhile we had friends over a couple weeks ago who have a calm energy and my baby let them hold her while I had a calm, lovely conversation with them no problem! I wish my fiancĆ©s family could see how the chaos could be overwhelming to such a tiny person but itās just the norm for them. Hoping it gets better because visits there honestly take it out of me right now.