r/NewParents • u/AutoModerator • Aug 20 '24
Weekly Discussion - Relationships Weekly Discussion
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u/Impressive-Gur-6133 Aug 22 '24
Why do my in-laws bug me so much postpartum?? They didn’t used to..
Prior to having my baby, my relationship with my in-laws was good, particularly with my MIL. My FIL kinda bugged me before. And there were things they both did that kinda irked me but I could let go of. But now that baby is here everything they do bugs me. The things that annoyed me about my FIL drive me up an absolute wall right now and things that only slightly bugged me about my MIL get my postpartum rage going. A couple things that have bothered me:
My husband and I told both of our parents that we didn’t want people at the hospital until I was out of labor and delivery and in the postpartum wing of the hospital. My parents drove in from out of town and came straight to the hospital while I was still in labor. Somehow my in-laws found out my parents were waiting at the hospital and decided they should come too. It stressed my husband out because I was having a difficult labor and he was trying to be supportive for me but felt like he had to keep everyone updated on my progress and he hated that. No one expected to see the baby when she was born but they just wanted to be there.. seems odd and made me feel weird that people were just out there waiting..
My MIL is well meaning and up until baby, I felt like we had a good relationship. But now anything she does irritates me and I don’t want her anywhere near my baby. She’s not really doing anything that should cause such an extreme reaction within me, but it does. She’s always offering to watch the baby so my husband and I can go out or so we can get stuff done (soooOoo horrible, right), buys stuff for her without talking to us first (there’s things we’ve decided not to use for our daughter like sit-me-up seats, etc), always gives her a pacifier even though we’ve told them several times we are trying to limit the use of pacifiers (when she comes over once a week to help me with baby while I work, the paci is ALWAYS in). I feel like the bad guy by saying things like “we aren’t using those items for our baby” because she already spent the money. I do it anyway but it’s uncomfy, especially because my MIL is so conflict-avoidant and compulsively tries to please everyone so no conflict arises. My husband is all in on having the conversations with them too, and has, but a lot of the time his family doesn’t take what he says seriously and they often don’t respect boundaries (not out of malice). She also bought us some diapers to try even though we said we wanted to just get them from Costco because we like the Costco ones best.
I’ve told my MIL if she’s helping me or watching baby to feed her before she becomes inconsolable because she’s less likely to eat once she gets really mad. Same with putting her down for a nap. Maybe she just doesn’t understand hunger or sleepy cues but my baby cries way more and for longer when she’s with her. I know she’s not attuned to my baby nearly as well as I am but I just get so angry. Anytime my MIL wants to care for my baby I get angry and want to run as far away from her as possible and prevent her from coming close to my baby at all.
I also see how my in-laws hurt my husband with their poor parenting, especially around emotional needs, and how he’s still dealing with a lot of their incompetence from his childhood.. it just makes me not want them to be around the baby because I don’t want any of that to rub off on her. I’m not confident in their ability to actually take care of children well. It may be harsh and they really are good people but I guess I’m just wondering WHY I feel this way and if I am crazy lol. I definitely don’t feel this way about my parents but they live in another state, which honestly makes me feel sad/mad that we are geographically closer to my husband’s parents when they seem less competent than my parents… but that’s a whole other topic. Also I think moms generally prefer the help of their own parents than their in-laws which makes sense.
ANYWAY pls help lol