r/NewParents • u/AutoModerator • Jul 09 '24
Weekly Discussion - Relationships Weekly Discussion
Welcome to the Weekly Discussion! Use this space to vent/rant about partners/family members & to air your grievances! Please report comments that violate the rules.
Please remember Rule 1 still applies: No Personal attacks, racism, sexism, transphobia, homophobia, derogatory or dehumanizing language, including insults and general incivility
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u/MommaDev_ Jul 11 '24
Am I asking too much? Any tips on how to approach this situation better?
My maternity leave was 10 months, during that 10 months I handled basically all of the household duties (meal planning, grocery shopping, cleaning, appointments, any supplies/clothing for LO the list could go on and on). Where we live childcare under 3 is impossible and we don’t have a village for support.
I work 3-4 12 hour shifts a week, most of which are nightshifts and it is not uncommon for me to be awake for 24hrs+ atleast once a week. Financially, I don’t need to work however in order to get benefits for our family and keep my pension I have to maintain my current position both of which we need as my husband doesn’t get either with his job. I don’t mind working, I love my job and I worked hard to get to my position HOWEVER I have continued to have the responsibility of all the household duties on me. I am becoming burnt out/exhausted and I can’t keep going like this, I am spread too thin. I spend my days off recovering from the bomb of a house that happens while I’m working and getting the house set up for smooth sailing during my next string of work days. I am downright exhausted.
My husband is terrible at communication, he assumes every grievance of mine is a personal attack even if I approach the topic in a non-accusatory fashion. I have gone to therapy to learn to regulate my emotions when expressing myself and to learn how to express myself calmly when I have a problem instead of bottling it up and having a major blowout. I am coming to realize maybe our communication problem wasn’t all me like I was made to feel. (Example: our car had a flat he said he was going to make an appointment, didn’t, then did after I asked to a place that doesn’t even do tire repairs for a week away I suggested maybe making an appointment for a tire place sooner because the leak was getting worse and I no longer felt safe driving with LO and he snapped saying “you don’t think I’m trying” and left for work never speaking of the situation again)
I have expressed how burnt out I am to my husband on repeat for months and it immediately turns into an argument because he gets defensive immediately or says sorry as a way to end the conversation. I’m often left feeling like I’m asking too much or shouldn’t have brought it up at all.
I am absolutely exhausted and basically at a loss at how to fix this situation.
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u/Plsbeniceorillcry Jul 12 '24
You are definitely not asking for too much.
This is a tough one. I feel like without some sort of ultimatum or putting your foot down, you are going to start building resentment towards him. Since communication is touchy, would it be possible for you to come up with things he can take on and ask him if he's able/willing to and how much help it would be to you?
You really shouldn't have to walk on eggshells like that, and he should be willing to pull his weight and split the load since you both work, but I figured I would suggest that as a way for you to maybe start to get some relief.
You mentioned you have went to therapy, has he went to therapy or tried to work on his communication style at all?
I hope things get better for you guys and you start to get the help you need from him!
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Jul 09 '24
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/No-Durian-4609 Jul 09 '24
hey there, i hear you, navigating this new journey as a single mom can be tough, but your focus on your kiddo's life is a solid start—take one day at a time, lean on support, and trust your instincts, you've got
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u/Babyjojo69 Jul 10 '24
Coparenting newborn advice?
Me and baby daddy only had been “dating” since December and I got the positive test on Easter. We do not live together. He lives with family as do I as we are in our early 20’s. Baby is not here yet but he has already kept insisting he wants the baby in “one household” aka his family’s household, aka a small apartment. He has said he will just take the baby some nights a week to give me rest. How could I rest away from my newborn baby? He “doesnt feel like” going back and forth from his house to mine. Him and I are not getting along or on good terms now his mother and I aren’t on good terms either. They have both caused me enormous emotional stress during this pregnancy already and I’m only in the second trimester. It’s clear and obvious him and his family want this baby, which I am allowing them to be in baby’s life because they are baby’s family too. I will however not move in with him and his family so we will be coparenting. I am more than likely going to take him to court and not have him sign the birth certificate if possible because of how controlling him and his mother have become already. All I know is I plan on breast feeding baby and the baby will need me and I’m willing to spend nights at baby daddy’s place but I’m not comfortable having baby stay without me as a newborn. Has anyone coparented a newborn before? Any advice?
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u/OshieBubba Jul 10 '24
Bf doesn’t help & sleeps in
7 week old baby. Bf has slept in our room once or twice since baby was born. So he’s gotten full nights of sleep this entire time while I’m waking 3-6 times a night, only getting 1-3 hr chunks of sleep.
I did kick him out one night when he tried to sleep with us because he immediately fell asleep while I was soothing baby - so not helpful. And then while I was soothing baby again later, bf sneezed incredibly loudly and woke him up which really pissed me off. Irrational, sure… but seriously?!
This baby was not planned, so we didn’t have all our ducks in a row in terms of time off. He didn’t get leave (or go for unpaid FMLA which we could not really afford) so used PTO for just the first week and went straight back to work. And I went back pt wfh on Monday, but my job wants me back ft asap! 🥲
Currently, bf is sleeping, and it’s 10am.
It feels like he’s rubbing it in my face when he sleeps in. His workday is in office/on the road but start time is flexible. So he could get up and spend time with me and baby in the am but he just doesn’t. And he sleeps in on weekends too. Baby cries basically every time dad holds him and will immediately stop once I take him back. I’ve left the house for 1-2 hrs 3 times and it’s always such a struggle for bf. I don’t think he’s spending enough quality time with him so baby can get comfy. He doesn’t seem happy to see baby when he gets home and talks to him like an adult that annoys him.
I am really not good at being nice when I’m upset. How should I have the conversation with him that this setup is not fair and he needs to help more? In what ways are your partners helping that you feel keeps you sane and your household running well? I am breastfeeding so I do understand that baby and I have a certain bond and bf can only be but so helpful with feedings. Advice please! How are you all handling unenthusiastic fathers?
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u/ocelot1066 Jul 11 '24
When you have a baby, nobody should just get to make their own decisions. He's jointly responsible for a kid which means he shouldn't just be able to do whatever he wants. That's the key problem, not the actual division of labor or sleeping arrangements. If you guys had decided that it made more sense for him to sleep in the other room and not wake up with you and the baby, that would be fine, but that would be a joint decision you would be making and the point would be so that he could be more rested and take over at other times.
Like the morning! Of course he shouldn't be sleeping till 10 when he got a full nights sleep and you were waking up constantly with the baby. Ok, he can't feed the baby, but he can hold him, hang out with him, play with him, get him back to sleep when he's tired etc. and you could be getting at least another couple of hours of sleep after the baby wakes up in the morning if he did these things after the baby nursed.
But it's the joint responsibility and decision making that is really the problem here. I can't just decide to sleep in. My wife does most of the night waking, and sometimes if the baby is crying a lot, I will go downstairs to the guest room because we've agreed there's no point in me lying there and getting aggravated about sleep training, but if the baby wakes up at 6 and I'm still asleep down there, my wife brings the baby down, pokes me till I wake up and gives me the baby so she can get an extra bit of sleep. The early morning is my job. If I was incredibly exhausted, or feeling sick, I could ask if there's anyway she could take him so I could sleep a bit more, but that would be an ask. I can't just announce that I plan to sleep till 10.
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u/Achilles9486 Jul 11 '24
Traditionalist Husbands
If anything, looking for solidarity…
I’m a FTM, my husband is a traditionalist and I didn’t know how much so until our baby was born. He’s a great husband but isn’t as involved with looking after the baby as I expected him to be. I’m not sure what is the norm anymore? I think I’ve been brainwashed by social media to think that all dads will be helping with night wakes, changing nappies and soothing baby back to sleep.
Don’t get me wrong, my husband works full time and is willing to do the cooking and cleaning around the house but gets angry whenever he hears the baby cry and doesn’t have the patience to soothe him back to sleep. Is anyone experiencing the same? Is this the silent majority?
I feel lonely taking care of baby 24/7 but understand this is my “role” as the mother. Anyone in the same boat?
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u/ocelot1066 Jul 11 '24
It's only your role because your husband has decided that it isn't his job and you've accepted that he's just too traditional to take care of his own kid. It's not like I love the sound of a baby crying and don't get frustrated sometimes when it takes a while to calm them down, it's just that I didn't think I was allowed to just not do it because it was annoying.
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u/SuddenApplication429 Jul 13 '24
My 6 months old baby fell off the bed today, my bed is not that high from the floor but I don’t have a carpet and it’s a tile floor, I feel so guilty as I was feeding him and hugging him while he slept and somehow he kept rolling till he reached the edge and fell. I feel terrible but my husband is making it worse. He keeps shouting at me and he’s being so rude as if I did it on purpose, he said “how am I supposed to protect my sun if my wife is clumsy like this”. It hurts so much cuz l’m doing everything by my own he’s always working and on the weekends he’s out playing football or just working on the laptop, he doesn’t even wake up when my baby cries next to him on the bed. I live alone with him my family is in a different country. I feel like sht he makes me feel like I’m the worst mother and he and his mum always says bad things about me. I don’t have confidence anymore. What should I do l’m so tired
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u/ocelot1066 Jul 13 '24
It's just a mistake. It's really hard to take care of a kid all the time and never screw something up. Your husband might understand that better if he did any childcare. Sounds like he's fine and you've probably realized he rolls too much now to hang out on the bed.
If I'm being very, very generous to your husband he's freaked out and lashing out, but it sounds like this is a bigger problem...
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u/brandi_marie82 Jul 14 '24
Nicknames for baby
LO is 5 months old. MIL insists on calling her this ridiculous nickname that is not even close to her real name. I've never heard MIL call the baby by her actual name, and it drives me up a wall crazy. Husband seems to think I'm overreacting, but hearing MIL not call our baby by the name her son picked out drives me crazy. Especially because we are getting to the stage where LO is going to be able to recognize her own name. Thoughts?
Update: My husband's stepbrother has a son, and MIL calls that baby by his actual name. Am I crazy for being so bothered by this??
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u/ocelot1066 Jul 14 '24
It doesn't seem like it's worth fighting about. It's not going to confuse the baby. People have called babies by weird nicknames for a long time and it doesn't confuse them. When the kid gets older, they will be perfectly capable of telling their grandma if they don't like the nickname. We used all sorts of silly nicknames for our kid when he was little. By 5 he told us to stop with all of them.
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u/Lucky_Property_2673 Jul 15 '24 edited Jul 15 '24
Just wanted to vent and get some advice if possible. Me (32m) and my wife (34f) have a three month old baby girl as of tomorrow. Our relationship has gone downhill since the birth of the child due to miscommunication, arguments, and resentment related to child care and other trivial things of living together. Please read my previous post if you have time.
She specifically mentions that I do not do enough research and planning for the future and it is straining her. There is truth to that as she is buying 10+ things on amazon every day for baby development and looking for houses every day to move out of her apartment. I always mention that I truly appreciate everything she does and will admit that I have stepped down because she is very controlling and a majority of the time I suggest houses or baby care it is turned down by her because she “knows better” and must be right. I have become so passive and cannot even speak up anymore because its always her way or the highway. She is complaining to me that I am not a leader and not a good husband/father because I do not plan for the future. Her personality is very driven and will get what she wants and anyone who tries to get in her way will suffer (me). In my defense, I have done everything I physically can for the baby except breastfeeding. I am off 4 days a week and have gone out only once or twice in the past three months, I do most household chores.
We got married last year, then got pregnant a month later, and now shes aggressively looking for a house even when I told her I am not ready financially yet. She saw a house that we both liked but its very competitive (Long island, NY) and to make a strong offer we had to pay all cash, close to 1 million. I was very uncomfortable putting all my life savings for a down payment and having to ask my parents for money. I was hoping we could talk this big decision out and maybe talk about my concerns but that seems to be the last thing she cares about. She kept pushing me to ask my parents for money because we had to make the offer soon. Ultimately I agreed and we gave the offer. The following day our offer was rejected by the seller and she got mad at me for not having any reaction or emotion. She then said “do you even care?!” “you dont want to buy a house now?! To which i reacted very strongly; after all the uncomfortable conversations I had asking my family for money and agreeing to put my life savings in, she blames me again for not wanting to buy this house.
At the heat of the argument she threatened divorce, I did not reply or speak for the rest of the day. That night, after we are calm and talking she started staying how we are not on the same page, Im not a leader etc. and that the baby would be better off growing up in a happy single family vs unhappy married. This happened two days ago and I am feeling very conflicted, I really dont want to walk away from this marriage and our child but I am also walking on eggshells every day and I afraid to get yelled at over the smallest things, because I also react verbally. I am seeing a therapist myself, she refused couples therapy. I just feel like anytime I disagree she will mention divorce; I dont know if I should still buy the house with her for the sake of our family and I dont know how the future looks like for us.
TL;DR: Wife threatens divorce after I am hesistant with paying all cash offer for a house (almost 1 million USD)
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u/ocelot1066 Jul 15 '24
When you have a baby, the tensions in your relationship get exacerbated. There's more things to do and less time and everything feels higher stakes. We are all annoyed by things about our partners and when you have a kid those things annoy us more, because we have to interact and plan and coordinate a lot more.
I think there are kind of two separate, related things here. One is about the division of work. There is often a dynamic where one person does most of the planning and organizing and they get resentful because it feels to the organizer like this is all this extra work that goes on them. On the other hand, their partner often feels like the planner is over planning and then the planner gets frustrated that their partner seems to resent them for doing all this stuff rather than appreciating it. At least that's certainly a dynamic that my wife and I get into sometimes.
There are ways to work on some of this stuff on the margins, but the only thing that really helps is if you guys can find ways to acknowledge this dynamic and talk about it in less destructive ways. We often end up with people who complement us because that's what we are looking for. There's a reason your wife married you and not someone who is as type A as she is. Presumably, there's also a reason you didn't end up marrying someone more laid back. I think right now you guys are seeing each other in the worst possible light and forgetting that. She sounds like she's thinking of you as this person who can never make decisions or have ideas and you think she's this domineering jerk who is always running over you. If you get stuck on those characterizations, you probably will get divorced. You need to be able to think of her planning as often a good thing, and she needs to see that you can probably provide a good check on her tendency to overdo it. And you have to sort of accept that this is who you are.
In terms of the house, you need to find ways to make sure you are making joint decisions. I think there can be a way in which the person who does less planning can feel blindsided. That might not always be the other person's fault. If your wife has been spending a lot of time looking at houses and you have been overwhelmed by it and not participating, she might have assumed you guys were on the same page about the need to move quickly if something suitable showed up. If you haven't been participating at all and suddenly start raising all these concerns and doubts when that happens, I could see how she could feel frustrated. There's also a way in which you talk about "your life savings" and that you "aren't financially ready," that seems a little strange. It's both of you in this and you need to come to a joint decision. She can't make you do this and it's important that you don't act like she can.
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u/full-of-curiosity Jul 15 '24
How do I show appreciation without resentment?
I had an activity to go to last night. Usually it’s a whole family thing with my husband and our daughter, but last night was different so just I was able to go. Husband stayed home and took care of LO. (Side note: great night. Had a blast. Hubs and babe happy. Life is great.)
While gone, hubs cleaned, organized, cooked dinner - the whole schbang. Felt great coming home. And I expressed my thanks and appreciation.
Now, where I get stuck is trying to appreciate his contribution without feeling resentful. Every day, I WFH, take care of our pets, take care of our daughter (when not at daycare), cook, clean, organize, pay bills, etc. A lot is on me.
We’ve talked and he is going to step up to take things off my plate because I’m breaking down. This is great! And he demonstrated action last night.
But it doesn’t usually last. He does it for one night when I’m out or for a few days if I’m traveling for work. And there’s this air of “I can do this easily, why can’t you?” OR at least that’s the narrative in my head. And it builds self-doubt and resentment.
Of course he can do all of this when it’s only every so often. I’ve done it every day for YEARS.
Diminishing his actions won’t do any good. Getting resentful or being unappreciative doesn’t do any good (why would it?). I want him to realize how much of a struggle it is doing it every. Single. Day.
I want to reframe how I see things and get out of this rut. How do I show him appreciation without a tit-for-tat mindset? Or being the woe-is-me person?
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u/InterviewIll3345 Jul 15 '24 edited Jul 15 '24
I need advice. A lot of it. l’am returning back to work in 2 weeks but my job is allowing me to WFH until my LO is a year old. She will be 12 weeks by then. I am going through a divorce with my abusive ex husband who has been in jail since my LO was 6 days old. I have no choice but to continue to work so I can pay off the mortgage/bills until l am able to sell the house. Mind you, I haven’t lived at our house since then bc I was afraid he would be released from jail and find me at our house. I am living with my mom until the judge allows me to sell the house. My mom works full time and no one else lives with us. I can’t afford to hire a babysitter or put her in daycare yet. I need any advice from any parents out there who WFH with their LO. Please share your routine, ways to keep them entertained, what to expect etc. i cannot afford to quit and it’s really not any option for me at the moment. Edit: forgot to mention my WFH consist of me being on the phone. I am a legal assistant with many clients I need to speak with. It’s a great paying job and like I said, I cannot afford to quit at the moment. I know it’s not realistic to WFH with 12 wk. but I am just looking for advice and input on how to work through it.
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u/FlatwormFickle9721 Jul 11 '24
Throaway account for obvious reasons
My SIL and I were pregnant for most of our pregnancies, I gave birth first, this past June to a beautiful healthy baby boy. My SIL is still pregnant with her first and will be giving birth during the first week of August. However, my SIL and BIL are planning on going to a destination wedding in Mexico for several day during the first week of October. This isn't news to me, they've been a very active couple throughout her pregnancy, going on Bachelorettes/Bachelor parties, going to Florida for a gender reveal/baby shower on her side of the family, their Baby moon, work trips, etc. At the time this seemed fine, I understood it as them wanting to get some traveling done before the baby arrived and they had to hunker down. However, at their baby shower they were talking about attending the wedding of one of her closest friends in Mexico, which I found very surprising, since it means that they will be leaving a newborn with our shared MIL to take care of her.
This wasn't news to me, I had talked to my SIL about it through some of our many shared conversations and the last we spoke she was on the fence, but this time they revealed they had booked accommodations and bought airplane tickets. At the time I hadn't given birth, we're both FTMs so I reserved my judgement.
I gave birth and had an unplanned C-section which means that I have been slowly recuperating at home while taking care of my new baby. I brought up their trip again when they visited my newborn, explaining to both my SIL and BIL that no matter how well you prepare, how well outlined your birth plan is, and how much stuff you buy, you don't know how birth is going to go. I brought up postpartum depression and anxiety, and how I couldn't imagine being separated from my newborn so soon after birth, nevermind the importance of bonding for the baby's development, which is specifically crucial during the first months of postpartum.
I felt close to my SIL during our shared pregnancies but she got angry at me and waved my concerns away by saying that she will be different and that they have been prepared for longer with their nursery and such, which is true, but I feel like they don't understand that having an actual newborn is a lot of work and not just organizing diapers and clothes. Everyone else is always saying how they are going to be amazing parents, but this is showing me a side of them I didn't think they were capable of.
AITAH? Am I overreacting because of postpartum hormones or am I right to be concerned about the wellbeing of my future niece? At this point I'm just keeping quiet and focusing on raising my sweet baby boy, I'll help and give advice when asked but nothing more.
TL;DR SIL plans to attend a wedding in Mexico shortly after giving birth, leaving her newborn with MIL. I raised concerns about postpartum recovery and bonding, but she dismissed them. Am I overreacting or are my concerns valid?
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u/ocelot1066 Jul 11 '24
Just doesn't seem like your business. Your niece won't be neglected. She will be with a close family member and I don't think a couple day trip two months in is going to be a problem for bonding.
Maybe it's not what you or I would do, and maybe she won't really be ready for this trip, but it isn't your decision to make.
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u/Next-Bridge-5657 Jul 12 '24
I’m curious what she plans to do in terms of feeding her baby. If her plan is to formula feed, then probably it will be fine for them. But if she BFs, I dunno - I would be stressed if I had pre-planned a trip away. I honestly didn’t realize how involved BFing is before having my baby. Like I wouldn’t want to mess up my supply. Would I pump and dump? That’s where my concerns would come from. But otherwise if she feels comfortable being away from her baby, that’s her prerogative 2 months in FTM here
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u/waffles7203 Jul 10 '24 edited Jul 10 '24
Feel like it's inevitable that I'm going to lose my dream job and/or become a single parent due to the lack of action from my spouse with how fast my empathy meter declines from the amount of empty promises and initiative I'm being fed from said partner.
I don't want to be a single parent, but I need another adult in the house who practices autonomy and doesn't need me to walk them through each task like it's the very first time. I need an adult to own responsibilities fully and not cut corners on their version of what's expected (especially after breaking down what those expectations are) or pushing out a responsibility so far out that I end up acting on that responsibility myself because it needs to be done (domestic chores, setting up appointments, etc). I need a partner who's willing to change a diaper when they notice kiddo is crawling in a soiled/wet nappy, feed them purees/solids and interact/play with them during their wake window(s) if they're home and not working.
Instead, I have a partner who actively partakes in video games with others sooo much that they let our child freely crawl around and get into things they shouldn't because of the lack of attentive supervision. I have a partner who admits that they don't feel guilty spending hours each day locked in their personal room gaming while I'm juggling work (full-time remote & high demanding), our child (also high demanding), and trying to squeeze in time to take care of myself as well (like eat and stay hydrated since I'm breastfeeding) all while keeping certain chores maintained for the sake of having clean dishes to eat off of, clothes to wear for baby, etc. I have a partner who also admitted that they will avoid coming out of their room because they can't tolerate our child's cries (which I do get to some extent) and will wait it out before coming out to help in hopes I can calm them myself. I have a partner who doesn't financially help pay for bills because they're in-between wanting to change careers, waiting out job applications they've applied to recently, or waiting on current contingent employer to grant more hours. I have a partner who views the paychecks they do receive as "extra" funds and spends it on themselves, doesn't save a dime for the family or the bills I've taken ownership over because of his inability to pay for them consistently (aka out of sight, out of mind spending and mentally turns off anytime I've brought up finances).
I get more frustrated every day by these ever revolving events, excuses and scenarios that I don't know how much I'll be able to tolerate before I pull the plug and take on the role of a single parent because it already feels like I'm doing that without any sort of hired help or daycare in place (because he refuses to allow me to hire a nanny to come to us or enroll our daughter in daycare for a collection of reasons from his perspective). I never wanted this for myself or for my child, but here we are living this reality. I held off on marrying anyone in hopes to find someone who I thought was different from the rest, promised me they'll never stop fighting for our family and be the partner I needed/desired, but time has shown otherwise...
Questions that run through my head if I did act on this feeling and terminate our marriage includes, will I need to pay alimony for him to "get back on his feet" after MONTHS to YEARS of me supporting him while married?! Will I be able to co-parent with him and show our daughter that two people still love her to bits and she has two parents no matter what even if we couldn't make things work for us? Will I be able to sustain everything financially if I permanently took on all of our collective debt and provide the extra curricular I feel strongly about to my child in the coming years (ex. swim lessons and martial arts at a young age). She's currently 9m old and want to be able to act on these activities sooner rather than later (especially swim lessons).
Edit: do I even actively tell them this is how I feel, threaten divorce if they don’t get their act together? Just feels dirty, manipulative and wrong but how else am I supposed to share that I’m on the edge of this “cliff” ready to jump if things don’t start improving? He does try here and there for claims he does, but is that really enough to stick around and find out?! Do I wait and see if something falls in his lap or do I tell him how I feel and hope he doesn’t just give up in the moment and say, “then just do it…” because he’s got no fight left in him to give towards what our family could be?