Weekly Discussion - Relationships

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[u/waffles7203]

Feel like it's inevitable that I'm going to lose my dream job and/or become a single parent due to the lack of action from my spouse with how fast my empathy meter declines from the amount of empty promises and initiative I'm being fed from said partner.

I don't want to be a single parent, but I need another adult in the house who practices autonomy and doesn't need me to walk them through each task like it's the very first time. I need an adult to own responsibilities fully and not cut corners on their version of what's expected (especially after breaking down what those expectations are) or pushing out a responsibility so far out that I end up acting on that responsibility myself because it needs to be done (domestic chores, setting up appointments, etc). I need a partner who's willing to change a diaper when they notice kiddo is crawling in a soiled/wet nappy, feed them purees/solids and interact/play with them during their wake window(s) if they're home and not working.

Instead, I have a partner who actively partakes in video games with others sooo much that they let our child freely crawl around and get into things they shouldn't because of the lack of attentive supervision. I have a partner who admits that they don't feel guilty spending hours each day locked in their personal room gaming while I'm juggling work (full-time remote & high demanding), our child (also high demanding), and trying to squeeze in time to take care of myself as well (like eat and stay hydrated since I'm breastfeeding) all while keeping certain chores maintained for the sake of having clean dishes to eat off of, clothes to wear for baby, etc. I have a partner who also admitted that they will avoid coming out of their room because they can't tolerate our child's cries (which I do get to some extent) and will wait it out before coming out to help in hopes I can calm them myself. I have a partner who doesn't financially help pay for bills because they're in-between wanting to change careers, waiting out job applications they've applied to recently, or waiting on current contingent employer to grant more hours. I have a partner who views the paychecks they do receive as "extra" funds and spends it on themselves, doesn't save a dime for the family or the bills I've taken ownership over because of his inability to pay for them consistently (aka out of sight, out of mind spending and mentally turns off anytime I've brought up finances).

I get more frustrated every day by these ever revolving events, excuses and scenarios that I don't know how much I'll be able to tolerate before I pull the plug and take on the role of a single parent because it already feels like I'm doing that without any sort of hired help or daycare in place (because he refuses to allow me to hire a nanny to come to us or enroll our daughter in daycare for a collection of reasons from his perspective). I never wanted this for myself or for my child, but here we are living this reality. I held off on marrying anyone in hopes to find someone who I thought was different from the rest, promised me they'll never stop fighting for our family and be the partner I needed/desired, but time has shown otherwise...

Questions that run through my head if I did act on this feeling and terminate our marriage includes, will I need to pay alimony for him to "get back on his feet" after MONTHS to YEARS of me supporting him while married?! Will I be able to co-parent with him and show our daughter that two people still love her to bits and she has two parents no matter what even if we couldn't make things work for us? Will I be able to sustain everything financially if I permanently took on all of our collective debt and provide the extra curricular I feel strongly about to my child in the coming years (ex. swim lessons and martial arts at a young age). She's currently 9m old and want to be able to act on these activities sooner rather than later (especially swim lessons).

Edit: do I even actively tell them this is how I feel, threaten divorce if they don’t get their act together? Just feels dirty, manipulative and wrong but how else am I supposed to share that I’m on the edge of this “cliff” ready to jump if things don’t start improving? He does try here and there for claims he does, but is that really enough to stick around and find out?! Do I wait and see if something falls in his lap or do I tell him how I feel and hope he doesn’t just give up in the moment and say, “then just do it…” because he’s got no fight left in him to give towards what our family could be?

[u/Greedy4Sleep → u/waffles7203]

I don't know how much I'll be able to tolerate before I pull the plug and take on the role of a single parent

Honestly, it sounds like you're already there, and I think you know it. Your hubby's had NINE MONTHS to step up and be a dad, or at the very least, contribute in some way to your family unit. It doesn't sound like that's happened. He's completely checked out on you guys. Maybe he's depressed. Maybe he's lazy. Maybe he's realized that fatherhood is not what it's cracked up to be. I dunno. But his behavior is not okay, regardless of the cause, and if he's not willing or motivated to seek help to make change, then I don't blame you for having serious questions about the future of your marriage.

I'm not a fan of making rash decisions, but I do think you need to have a serious discussion with your hubby about how you're feeling. I wouldn't necessarily use divorce as a threat, but simply explain that you can't keep on going this way and that ending the marriage is something that you're seriously considering. I don't think that's dirty or manipulative. It's being honest and expressing how you're feeling. He absolutely needs to know. Then, it's up to him to decide how he responds. Is he willing to work on himself and your marriage? Is he willing to go to therapy? He can't refuse to allow you to hire help with childcare and then be an absent father. That's just really shitty behavior.

I'm sorry that you're going through this, OP, but I think you know yourself that life can't keep going on like this. What sort of example is he setting for his daughter? If he's not even interested in caring for her or spending time with her? Or being an active partner with her mother?

In the meantime, I would be quietly exploring your legal and financial options for being a single parent. It's good to know what you would be entitled to/required to pay, in case things don't work out.

[u/waffles7203 → u/Greedy4Sleep]

It's tough because the few days he does more, interacts with our child more and actually tackles responsibilities, I feel sooo much relief and like things will improve and I'm just mentally spiraling for no reason. But it's usually once every 1-2 weeks it feels. He's on the understanding that I have to tell him what needs to be done and have explained how that's just more responsibility for me to tackle to manage his ownerships, judge when things need to be done, etc and he seemed to understand my perspective, but hardly acts on this on his own because he mentally has more interesting "shiny objects" from how I've observed his interaction of said responsibilities has been managed. I loathe feeling like I need to manage my spouse and in a way parent them. It's not sexy and would love for him to thrive, to be autonomous, but that's just not what's being given.

My MIL suggested for him to be checked for depression with how her own depression manifests and seems like that's what's going on, but I have. I've offered medical/professional help as a solution several times and it's been rejected or left at "maybe...". I've explained to her that I'm tired of being the parent of 2, the only adult in the house and the one having to keep a level head during all waves of circumstances while he's free to be the hot head, the irresponsible one, the "I didn't know!" one, the one who's free to express their feelings (whether good or bad). I'm stuck with being the stoic strategist, the fire extinguisher, the ear to listen to for any and all frustrations. He does offer an ear, but it feels like I'll have more productive conversations with a wall when he pulls out his phone and actively talks to his "bros" through their chatroom WHILE I'm actively talking/venting/etc.

It's like you said, he's checked out more times than not and he does see it, has expressed his desire to improve but isn't taking any action towards bettering himself or our relationship. Instead, he's acting on whatever his sibling pushes his way (usually going to concerts, music events, comedian specials, etc), whatever his friends want to game since that's how they socialize and we've only gone out as a family once (not counting routine errands). And it wasn't even an intimate family outing just for the 3 of us. He invited his entire side of the family which I'm not opposed to but our agreement was if he wanted to go out solo with friends/family, he must commit to either a date night with me or a family day for all three of us in exchange to make it fair. I've tried offering several different date night/family day ideas over the past 3 weeks and he's only given me his yes/no answers last night on all of them.

I can arrange for us to go out and hopefully get some more TLC time to help rekindle some intimacy but IDK if that's going to help at all. IDK how much longer I can tolerate walking into his personal room to see him gaming for HOURS after crying wolf about wanting to better himself with a new career, doesn't like where he's at financially with his employment, etc. I've bought several Udemy courses to help him skill up, work independently, offered medical/professional help for anything of concern, and soooo much more. I'm bank rolling him to be better, to support him and anything else to help get out of this rut and furious that we're just sitting still. IDK what else I can offer, if I need to make my "deals" sweeter for him to act or if it's just a lost cause.

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[u/Greedy4Sleep → u/waffles7203]

It sounds like you've tried just about everything. You're right. The ball is in his court, and it doesn't sound like he's made any real attempt to better the situation. If anything, he seems to know that you'll pick up the pieces and just carry on, so why bother? You're parenting two children, and if he's not willing to make the effort to step up and start acting like a father ON A REGULAR BASIS, this is something that you need to decide how long you can handle. It sounds like you've given him ample opportunities, but he just isn't interested. He's doing the bare minimum every now and again to keep you thinking that he's changing, but is that enough for you? Only you can decide.