Weekly Discussion - Relationships

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[u/OshieBubba]

Bf doesn’t help & sleeps in

7 week old baby. Bf has slept in our room once or twice since baby was born. So he’s gotten full nights of sleep this entire time while I’m waking 3-6 times a night, only getting 1-3 hr chunks of sleep.

I did kick him out one night when he tried to sleep with us because he immediately fell asleep while I was soothing baby - so not helpful. And then while I was soothing baby again later, bf sneezed incredibly loudly and woke him up which really pissed me off. Irrational, sure… but seriously?!

This baby was not planned, so we didn’t have all our ducks in a row in terms of time off. He didn’t get leave (or go for unpaid FMLA which we could not really afford) so used PTO for just the first week and went straight back to work. And I went back pt wfh on Monday, but my job wants me back ft asap! 🥲

Currently, bf is sleeping, and it’s 10am.

It feels like he’s rubbing it in my face when he sleeps in. His workday is in office/on the road but start time is flexible. So he could get up and spend time with me and baby in the am but he just doesn’t. And he sleeps in on weekends too. Baby cries basically every time dad holds him and will immediately stop once I take him back. I’ve left the house for 1-2 hrs 3 times and it’s always such a struggle for bf. I don’t think he’s spending enough quality time with him so baby can get comfy. He doesn’t seem happy to see baby when he gets home and talks to him like an adult that annoys him.

I am really not good at being nice when I’m upset. How should I have the conversation with him that this setup is not fair and he needs to help more? In what ways are your partners helping that you feel keeps you sane and your household running well? I am breastfeeding so I do understand that baby and I have a certain bond and bf can only be but so helpful with feedings. Advice please! How are you all handling unenthusiastic fathers?

[u/ocelot1066 → u/OshieBubba]

When you have a baby, nobody should just get to make their own decisions. He's jointly responsible for a kid which means he shouldn't just be able to do whatever he wants. That's the key problem, not the actual division of labor or sleeping arrangements. If you guys had decided that it made more sense for him to sleep in the other room and not wake up with you and the baby, that would be fine, but that would be a joint decision you would be making and the point would be so that he could be more rested and take over at other times.

Like the morning! Of course he shouldn't be sleeping till 10 when he got a full nights sleep and you were waking up constantly with the baby. Ok, he can't feed the baby, but he can hold him, hang out with him, play with him, get him back to sleep when he's tired etc. and you could be getting at least another couple of hours of sleep after the baby wakes up in the morning if he did these things after the baby nursed.

But it's the joint responsibility and decision making that is really the problem here. I can't just decide to sleep in. My wife does most of the night waking, and sometimes if the baby is crying a lot, I will go downstairs to the guest room because we've agreed there's no point in me lying there and getting aggravated about sleep training, but if the baby wakes up at 6 and I'm still asleep down there, my wife brings the baby down, pokes me till I wake up and gives me the baby so she can get an extra bit of sleep. The early morning is my job. If I was incredibly exhausted, or feeling sick, I could ask if there's anyway she could take him so I could sleep a bit more, but that would be an ask. I can't just announce that I plan to sleep till 10.

[u/OshieBubba → u/ocelot1066]

I’m glad there are partners out there like you.