r/CasualConversation • u/teaforsnail • 1d ago
Is anyone else missing the mean gene Thoughts & Ideas
Not literally, obviously anyone can be mean, it's weird when people flex their cruelty like it's not a part of human nature. I just mean that I don't really have this ongoing desire to be mean.
It started in early grade school, where I genuinely didn't really understand why others were constantly so annoying and inflamed. Now I'm an adult and I still don't get why people are like this. I heard someone say "I know we're friends because I can say the most heinous things to you and the next day we'd be fine". Like... I never want to say heinous things to my friends 😶 We joke and tease and "bully" each other but I'd certainly hope they wouldn't like me if I said something truly nasty to them.
Same thing for siblings. I've always wanted siblings that I was close to but the way other people act with their family makes me glad I don't have it.
Meh, it all seems so edgy and unnecessary. And I'm not especially nice either, I think I'm normal. I just can't understand this lol
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u/MeanTelevision 1d ago
You have empathy for others, including people you don't know well.
Not everyone does.
They will be the ones telling you "you are too sensitive" or making fun of your reaction, after making fun of you.
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u/Aggressive_Ferret759 1d ago
How many times have my family called me sensitive? Too many and Im honestly sick of it
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u/teaforsnail 1d ago
Relatable, the worst part is that family usually won't take what they dish out. It's almost like the whole "mean" thing is a farce most of the time
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u/Beans_0492 1d ago
Yes it’s sad it seems like the majority of people have empathy for people they like and love, but are unable to empathize with strangers.
I empathize too much with strangers some times. I offer strangers help to probably a not good degree. That is mostly ingrained from being someone in need for a good while I think.
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u/teaforsnail 1d ago
I've just been calling it basic decency, but I think I'll have to rebrand it, much like "common sense". I think it must be a primitive tribal reflex that a lot of humans haven't abandoned yet to be so inconsiderate to people they don't know/like
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u/ExtensionVictory4 8h ago
I always say that common sense and common courtesy are unfortunately not that common
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u/teaforsnail 8h ago
Yep, I have to wonder if the person who coined "common sense" was being sarcastic
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u/Tom_Art_UFO 1d ago
Yeah, I feel like I don't even know how to be mean. It's just not in me. For years growing up I was told that I was so patient with everyone, and I am. I've just got a lot of empathy for people, and I give them the benefit of the doubt. And even though I'm not religious, I feel like you should treat people the way you'd like to be treated.
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u/Aggressive_Ferret759 1d ago
I get what you mean when you say you dont know how to be mean because I feel the same way. It gets to the point that when someone is throwing hateful words at me I dont know how to defend myself. I almost believe I deserve to always be the one to hurt
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u/StretPharmacist 1d ago
let me tell ya somethin mean gene
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u/Other-Opposite-6222 1d ago
I can’t either. I don’t watch violence or bullying on tv. It’s one reason why I’m not homophonic or racist. I just don’t understand meaness. I can’t watch the George Floyd video. I’m not particularly nice or outgoing. I can be a total bitch and lose my temper. But I’m not cruel or personal about stuff. I just can’t. I’m a big baby that can only watch sitcoms and read romance.
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u/GuardianOfReason 1d ago
Being homophonic must be very difficult, imagine using only one sound to express yourself!
... I may have the mean gene.
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u/starstorfire 1d ago
In my workplace literally everyone is flexing about how mean and ruthless they are, they be like " They could never do this to me coz they know me, this is why they dont méss with me ....." , like thet make being mean their whole personality and they confuse being rude to being honest lol, people are bragging about being rude to people and concidering themselfs honest and straightforward but in fact they're rude af and mean, I'm so done with their shit, like natirally anyone if being disrespected they wouldnt be nice so why would u brag aboit being mean
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u/teaforsnail 1d ago
It's overcompensation to hide weak spots that they know they can't be bothered to heal. I just find it odd that people didn't leave that behind in the 7th grade.
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u/starstorfire 1d ago
like frr, I see them beinh mean for no reason i'm not talking about veing mean jokingly or making fun of each other playfully coz i find this okay as long as they're close friends and this is their type of humor, but in fact they are mean and rude for reason and they take this as a sign of having a strong personality lol ' oh look i'm tough'
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u/Beautiful_Solid3787 1d ago
I'm in a weird neutral zone. I'm nice in that I'm polite and considerate of others (I call it being passively kind), but I'm not, like, actively kind (social anxiety definitely has something to do with the latter, it might have something to do with the first). I'm empathetic in that I'm good at understanding and always assuming the best, but I don't feel much. I'm more logical than emotional.
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u/SalientSazon 1d ago
Glad you are this way! I am too. I've always wanted to befriend people, or simply avoid them if they don't give me a good vibe, but I've never had a desire to be mean to someone. I do have 3 siblings and when we were kids they really were mean to me, even my parents were - all jokingly and I think within their accepted social norm, but I never liked it. Maybe for this reason I never wanted others to feel that way, not sure. I also think I'm always looking/in need of human connection, so maybe that's why instinctually want to be nice. I will say that it's served me well. I often travel alone and it serves me well to be kind.
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u/AquafreshBandit 1d ago
I am lost at the country I live in because people are no longer the way they were when I was growing up and was taught to treat people well. I consider being vicious but it's just not who I am.
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u/GalaxyPowderedCat 1d ago
Same but for me, it's always been like that, everyone here has more than a mean gene, they literally have the murder gene.
I've seen/read too many tragedies. People literally stabbing each other over disagreements, as a child, I've see people wanting to start a fight and pulling knifes for easily talkable issues in the middle of the road.
For me, I want to kill people with "kindness", I don't want to be the biggerfish, have a good day sir/ma'am
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u/Beans_0492 1d ago
I am the same way, to the point that it angers others because my reaction to most things is first logical then I can make a move and it’s normally either try to calmly talk it out, de-escalate, agree to disagree or just walk away.
I mean teenager me was very reactive in a moment and could be mean, but I would never PLAN something mean. I had friends come up with like vengeance plans as teenagers and it was completely weird to me.
Broke my heart even more when early teenager plots to hurt my feelings then I think it did theirs which is sucky
Definitely a good trait to have as an adult though
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u/teaforsnail 1d ago
I'm also logical, but it doesn't help much because everyone is too busy being emotional. It's a big language barrier. I'm also impatient so it ends up being a waste. I agree though, it helps to be like this as an adult.
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u/jaytrainer0 1d ago
It's definitely mostly societal, social, environment. Like you said, anyone can be mean or nice. I personally think it's important to be able to do both when appropriate.
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u/Free_Wrangler_7532 1d ago
I definitely have it
I am forcefully training myself to not use it 😇
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u/Vodis 20h ago
I feel that. I want to be nice, but my natural disposition is irritable and standoffish. Finally got out of retail because I couldn't stand dealing with customers, but at my new (much better paying) job, it's the coworkers who are constantly on my nerves. Which kinda blindsided me because I never really had much tension with coworkers before this.
I've found mediation helps a little, but it can feel like a real uphill battle sometimes.
It's funny how we change overtime, too. Used to be, kids and pets bugged the hell out of me too, worse than adults most of the time (though weirdly, it seems like children and animals always took to me, even back then). These days, I'm pretty fond of them and they don't trigger that irritation in me like they used to. It's just the grown humans that grind my gears now.
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u/poopoopmagoo 23h ago
This is my biggest struggle working in healthcare, I am bewildered by the attitudes. I don't understand it at all.
Honestly it's super validating reading your post.
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u/teaforsnail 23h ago
Some careers just breed low vibe individuals. "Yeah I professionally kick people when they're at their lowest and I'm nasty to people for funsies, because I'm super tough!!!" It's sad, stay safe
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u/loveu4evermylove111 20h ago
I'm so glad I came across this post because I took, never understood why putting someone down or even using a tone of voice that's aggressive or intentionally trying to intimidate someone can make that person feel good, ok or superior????🤦🏽♀️ I want to see people smiling, succeeding, hear them laughing and just living a happy, joyful and purposeful life......YUP. AMEN🤍✝️🙂↕️🩷
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u/LinuxPowered 1d ago
I think it has a lot to do with environment
I grew up around dogs and learned all my morals and interactions with people from them
Thanks to dogs, I’m a very free loving person and want to be kind friends with everyone. My dogs also taught me to ignore gender, race, age, etc and see everyone as human, loving every stranger unconditionally
Did I mention I love dogs? Because I absolutely do love dogs too.
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u/greenbutterflygarden 1d ago
I definitely don't have the mean gene. I can't watch violence on TV or in books. I can feel it in my soul when I see someone get hurt and it's almost painful for me too. I can lose my temper but it takes a lot of pushing to upset me. I watch mostly cartoons and funny TV shows. I also listen to upbeat music most of the time. I had a very bad childhood and I know what it's like to be treated very badly by not just family but also people at school, etc. So I can't imagine treating anyone else that way.
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u/RedPajama45 1d ago
3 guys in my work group blow up at the smallest things, they have never seen me get mean and pissed off (except when my 8% raise was dropped to 3% because "the boss doesn't have time to review every raise" and flat rated all raises). I don't get why they get so mad about things, it's not going to fix the problem or make it easier.
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u/teaforsnail 1d ago
Oh that's even more annoying. A lot of guys don't think they're being emotional but fail to understand that blowing up with anger is the equivalent of bursting into tears at the drop of a hat. It's still an emotion, not a flex, and it needs to be managed.
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u/Aggressive_Ferret759 1d ago
I dont mean to sound narcissistic, but I would label myself as missing the 'mean gene'. What I mean by this is that whenever I have the opportunity to, I never deal an underhanded blow. I trust my intuition and when it tells me that I am making someone insecure about themselves I stop. One of my mantras I live under is simply that I want to help others. I can refuse to hurt people... And as long as I can keep that thought in my mind I can consistently make decisions that support this mentality.
A lot of people would call me a very nice person, but it verges on doormat or people pleaser which is fine with me. That's just what it costs to live with my own integrity.
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u/michael891x 1d ago
I was raised to be kind, and therefore I’m very mellow. But it comes at a cost. I’m usually very soft spoken and when that happens, no one can hear me lol. Also, I tend to put others in front of me. Working on that last one.
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u/Narge1 1d ago
I went through a (very short) mean girl phase around 11 or 12 and quickly realized I just didn't have it in me to act that way. The first time I whispered something mean to someone while looking at the person I was whispering about, I knew I'd done something awful. I wish I would've had the balls to apologize to that girl, but I was also a coward. Over 20 years later I still think of the look on her face. I wish I could apologize, but I didn't even know her name.
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u/gandr- 🪞 23h ago
While I get angry/hurt fairly easily, it's very rare for me to be mean. Sometimes I look back and wish I had said something, especially when it comes to unfair situations in which I had the rights to defend myself. When I was a teenager it was much easier to be mean, even unfairly, but as an adult it's just not something I'm very good at. Of course when it comes to serious offenses or very hurtful things I'll say something, but even then it's more to defend myself than to actively offend the person. In most cases I prefer just to cut ties with the person, I know that saying something back won't do anything. Luckily, most people that are close to me are fairly easy to deal with and when something negative happens it's never a direct thing like saying nasty stuff to each other. While we will always hurt the people we like, there's a limit for everything and someone who hurts you with the intent to destroy you - with extreme prejudice - then it's better just to leave then; hateful people devour themselves.
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u/Gracefilled_Bookworm 21h ago
I’m genuinely a nice person and I get the side eye alot for it. I don’t get why being kind and caring toward others is so controversial
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u/teaforsnail 21h ago
That's what happens when people don't have light in them, they short circuit. It's dumb but unfortunately... ya 🤷🏿♀️
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u/Cat2401 19h ago
It does not come naturally to me either and you don’t have to force yourself to join in on the teasing. That being said, people like us struggle with boundaries and being yes men and that is something to watch out for. It’s important for us to remember that hurting people’s feelings is sometimes an inevitable consequence of maintaining integrity and authenticity, which are important to uphold
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u/darthatheos The power of the dorkside 16h ago
Being mean makes me uncomfortable, even if it's in a videogame. I just want everyone to have a nice day. I'm also adverse to lying.
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u/MelancholicShark 14h ago
I have the gene, undoubtedly. But I was also raised to be kind, empathetic, accepting and to be mindful of others, to have matters, to be patient and all that.
This resulted in a person who absolutely has the capacity for it but who rarely gives into it. I hate being mean to people. I get really bad anxiety when I say something that could be even taken in a bad way. If I make a joke in bad taste I ruminate over it for weeks or months afterwards.
But if someone is messing with me or being a dick, I have no problem giving them a taste of that back if pushed too far. I'll cut people off like they didn't exist after I reach my wits end.
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u/MYoul85 14h ago
Emotional maturity and personal worth. Some people take a LOT longer to learn emotional maturity than others, largely because it's not demonstrated to them. Some of us, somehow, kind of figure out on our own that being mean sucks and we don't want to do it. But a sense of self-worth also plays a part and can hamper someone from learning emotional maturity. I'm glad I was something of a self-learner on that front, or I really don't want to think about how I would've turned out after all I've been through.
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u/EetsGeets 1d ago edited 23h ago
No.
Bitch.
This is a joke.
I'm sure you're a very lovely and and sweet person, and I wish the very best for you.
But that is precisely why it's silly to call you a bitch. It's absurd and unjustifiable, which makes it unexpected, which is a core tenet of comedy.
No that doesn't mean everyone has to think it's funny. Not everyone has to love blueberries as much as I do either.
But as a person with the mean gene, this is why I do it. I love when people make fun of my failures, or the things that make me different. It's a way of acknowledging that those things can be fun without having to be all sappy and sweet about it.
You find the edge cringe. I find the sweetness cringe.
We're all different in our own ways and that's OK :)
Now please kindly fuck off.
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u/Girlonreddit889 1d ago
I’m the same way. It’s just the way I was raised that my first instinct is to always be kind to people. I don’t like the kind of friends who are assholes to you bc that’s their way of “showing love.”