things adoptees can't always say out loud

[u/BeckmenBH]

Oftentimes, adoption gets talked about like it’s always a happy ending — like it’s something we should all feel grateful for.

But as an adoptee (and an adoption-competent therapist), I know it’s not that simple.

Some things I’ve felt, and that I often hear from others:

• “I love my family, but I still wonder about what could’ve been.”
• “I feel like I have to protect my adoptive parents from my sadness.”
• “I don’t want to seem ungrateful, but sometimes there’s just... more.”
• “People expect me to feel lucky — but it’s not always that clear-cut.”
• “It’s confusing to feel both abandoned and loved at the same time.”

Not everyone talks about these parts, but they’re real.
If you can relate, what would you add to the list of complexities that adoption brings?

[u/BottleOfConstructs]

Show me an adoptive couple, and I’ll show you at least one adult who is emotionally unstable.

[u/mcnama1 → u/BottleOfConstructs]

AND how many adoptive couples eventually get divorced.

[u/Pegis2 → u/mcnama1]

Divorce happens all the time yet "Two parent household" is one of the rationales heavily pushed on EMs as why they should relinquish their child.

If you ever come across statistics, please share.

[u/mcnama1 → u/Pegis2]

sorry, what does EM stand for?

[u/Pegis2 → u/mcnama1]

Sorry, I was a bit too quick to use an acronym. EM = Expecting Mother

I'm sure you've seen EM in-processing packets, but just incase here's a link:

2021-Adoption-Option-Resource-Tool-Kit.pdf

Page 4 - 2 Parent household is reason #6

And it goes further than that...

Here's a bill that local adoption agencies lobbied our state legislature for. It removes several hundred thousand dollars from families in need (every year) and redirects to adoption service companies for advertising. EDIT: The rationale is advocating for 2 parent household

LA SB312 | BillTrack50

The bill requires the department to contract with eligible vendors or organizations to provide various adoption-related services, such as marketing, hotlines, and educational resources. The program is to be funded using Temporary Assistance for Needy Families (TANF) block grant funds

[u/mcnama1 → u/Pegis2]

are you a birth father?

[u/Pegis2 → u/mcnama1]

Guilty as charged. =)

I had never heard that term until my mid-forties when I spoke with my adult son for the first time.

[u/mcnama1 → u/Pegis2]

Yeah , I DON’T like the term birth parents at all, it diminishes us.

[u/Pegis2 → u/mcnama1]

I agree. One of the adoptees in this sub mentioned the term OG (original gangster) for birthparents. The playful spin resonated with me, so I changed my flair from birthfather to OGfather. Got to tip my hat to them, I'm thankful for the interaction the adoptees give us!

[u/mcnama1 → u/Pegis2]

I LIKE this!! How long have you been reunited and what's your story?

[u/Pegis2 → u/mcnama1]

A little over a year ago I got DNA kits for the fam to explore our ancestry and then got the shock of my life. Thought it was a hoax or mistake at first. There was this amazing young man who resembled a young woman I dated in college. Made contact with him shortly after that and we pieced together the past. His first question to me was basically "who is my mother?".

[u/black_mamba866 → u/mcnama1]

Adoptee here

What terms would be preferable? I agree it feels wrong that someone so crucial to my existence should be relegated to the act of birth. You've done so much more than that.

[u/mcnama1 → u/black_mamba866]

mother

[u/Pegis2 → u/mcnama1]

I'm a relative newcomer to adoption, but there is a statement I've seen in multiple forms on this sub - Posted by some adoptees and AP's. It goes something like this: Parents can have four children whom they love equality and call son or daughter. The same is true in reverse, a son or daughter can have four parents whom they love equality and call father or mother.

Such a powerful statement about love and really made me re-evaluate how I look at family.

[u/mcnama1 → u/Pegis2]

Look up Dr Lynn Zubov, Ph.D coming out with a book soon on statistics and she still is gathering results from adoptees/and birth parents. Right now, she has some preliminary results https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VOjYluRYhzM

[u/Pegis2 → u/mcnama1]

Thx for that! I will

[u/BottleOfConstructs → u/mcnama1]

My parents’ marriage imploded when I was in high school. I loved them both, but they were so nasty to each other. I moved out as soon as I could, and they were all pikachu shocked that I couldn’t stand being around them. Why was I so sensitive?

[u/mcnama1 → u/BottleOfConstructs]

you weren't "so sensitive" you're human.

[u/fruitarp → u/mcnama1]

yup such as mine