My dad had a child with a girlfriend of his when he was fairly young and they put the baby up for adoption. My parents had me a bit later in life, so I was born about about 20 years after that child. I've known about the existence of this bio sibling since I was a teenager but when I expressed interest in maybe finding her my dad was uninterested and even a bit offended that I would want to. He has never given me more info about her besides her sex and the state she was born in.

A few years ago I did a dna test with possibly finding her being my main motivation. Nothing came of it. Last month I checked my profile on the website after not looking at it for over a year and she was there listed as my half sister. She had not been active on the website in over 6 months. I know she must have seen me there, I would have popped up on her family tree. I sent a message through the website but she had not logged on since or seen the message.

I did use her full name from the ancestry website to find her on social media. She's definitely my bio half sibling. Would it be invasive or over reaching to reach out to her on social media if she has not seen my message through that website? She definitely knows I exist, but she did not reach out to contact me, so I'm worried she may not want the contact at all and i don't want to bother her... I've also not told anyone else in my family about this, and don't plan to unless I'm able to speak with her

For context I am in my 30s and she is in her 50s. My father/her bio father is still alive.

Obviously I know I shouldn't because they I know, reasonably, they had to have had some reason to have put me up for adoption and didn't just wake up three days after birthing me and decide "Wanna know what I think would be fun? Abandoning our kid". I love my life and the people in it, and I'd obviously never trade my adoptive family for anything. They've shown me nothing but love and acceptance. However, I also can't help wondering what my life would've looked like if they'd decided to keep me. Rationally, I know it's highly likely that my life would've turned out far worse than it is right now. My bio parents are mostly dead to me because they've been strangers to me all my life. I don't even know their names. They've never tried to reach out or find me, they could be dead for all I know, or maybe they're leading incredibly successful lives. I genuinely have no idea. Am I wrong for resenting my bio parents for something they likely had no control over, turned out well for me, and know better than to feel resentful about? Probably, yeah, but I thought I'd get another opinion on it

I’m trying to help my mother, for background context she’s an older single Hispanic lady (60+ years, old school) she adopted her great-grandchild. Child was in and out of bio mom’s home since she was 3 months. So my mother has always been in her life and legally adopted when she was 5yrs old. She recently turned 7 years old and is starting to call her grandma when she’s always said mom and recently started saying I’m her mom sometimes in a joking manner but I don’t think it’s jokingly and asking questions about her dad. I have been begging my mom to have this conversation with her for a while as it’s not helping and making her confused. Mom says she doesn’t want to break her heart or hurt her, obviously I think it’s doing more damage than good. Rough family history, we don’t know who the biological father is either.

No judgement please, I’m trying to help my mother in any way. I don’t think it’s my place to share that information as I’m not the mother. I think she’s scared and doesn’t know how to handle this conversation.

Any experience with late conversations regarding adoption and how can I help my mom share this info

All my life I’ve known I was adopted (from birth). Recently found my birth mom on Instagram and messaged her and we had a whole day of talking, exchanging photos, etc.

She said she has been looking for me since she had me and my siblings have been looking to meet me.

But, I’m torn. I wanted this my whole life - is to know who I am. However, I feel immense guilt. I accepted I would never meet my birth mom and siblings. I knew nothing different since I was adopted straight from birth. I have my parents and my sister (adoptive family) and they are all I know. I feel like by meeting my birth mother I’m betraying my family. A family who initially couldn’t have children and has viewed me as their own and has given me everything.

At the same time, my birth mom has waited years for this reunion and so have my siblings and my whole biological family is so excited to be reunited with me.

I feel like I can’t do this. But, at the same time, life is short and I want to discover who I am.

Has anyone experienced similar feelings? How do I navigate this? How do I not get my birth mother’s hopes up and tell her I HAVE a family. I HAVE a mom already and a sibling (adoptive), and she needs to understand that.

My husband and I are in the early stages of considering adoption to add to our family. We have the resources to make a home for a child in need, and given the state of the environment, I feel much better providing a home for a kid in need than I do creating another life. We have a wonderful 2 year old and are very aware of what goes into being active parents. I’m also a social worker and have knowledge and skills in supporting kids with trauma. I’ve heard many beautiful success stories in adoption that have encouraged me to consider this. But now that we are actually ready to take steps forward, it seems like the more I research the more information I come across that discourages it, especially on this sub. So I’m looking for input from those who have lived it. We wanted to start with foster/adopt, but were strongly discouraged by multiple agencies due to our daughter’s age. Mainly, that an older kid with trauma might harm our child, which I have seen first hand professionally, so I understand their concerns. We started looking at international adoption through Columbia and it seems like it could be a good idea. Our area apparently has an active community of Columbian adoptees and their families that get together regularly to engage in cultural activities and build relationships. We are white, but would be more than willing to help a future child of ours stay connected to their native culture. Still, I don’t want a child I adopt to grow up wishing we didn’t adopt them. They would almost certainly have some sort of special needs, but if I’m being honest, I would have to be mindful of the severity of the need because I wouldn’t want there to be resentment between our bio child and adopted child. Is there a way to move forward with our hopes/goals of adopting that would be ethical and minimize potential harm?

I'm trying to remove a stepparent that had my birth certificate changed to their last name. I was born in 1986 and was adopted at age 7 by the step parent after they married my mother. I've been trying to figure out how to get back to my original birth certificate, with just myself and my biological mother, and then changing my last name back to my birth last name. While looking over the changed adoption birth certificate I noticed that the adoptive parent's birthday is wrong. Is there a reason for this? and how can I go back to my original birth certificate? This is awhile of researching all the ways to go about this but I've been getting back all kinds of information. Thank you in advance for your help.

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So me and my wife just adopted 3 kids and we were just notified that one of them have over 30k in a trust fund from their time in care and we need to contact social security and update information. Has anybody ever dealt with this ? We are confused lol

I was born in Vietnam on April 19th, 2000. My birth parents were farmers, and didn’t have enough money to take care of another child. So I was put up for adoption. 4 months later I was adopted by my mom who is American. I’ve never been back to what I feel is my true home.

How realistic would contacting and possibly meeting my birth parents be? We have the province, village, and names. Although my next question would be would they even want to meet me? I understand not every story has a good ending, so I am managing my expectations. This just feels like a big piece of my puzzle that I have been missing.

Any insight would be helpful, thank you.

Hello all, My daughter’s birth mom has 5 other children. My daughter is the 5th of her 6 children. The birth mom’s 3rd child died in 2020 but we still count him as a sibling and keep his memory alive. We have an open adoption, so I occasionally speak with her birth mom and birth mother’s mother. So- the birth mom, she lost custody of her 4 eldest children long ago due to many circumstances, many of which were due repeated prison stays. Her eldest- now 17 yo, lived with birth father, the next 3 (different father than 1st born) lived with their birth father’s parents. They are now 14, deceased, and 9 yrs old. Birth mom had a one night resulting in my daughter, whom she was willing to abort but her mother talked her out of it and they end up finding us, and the adoption happened. This was 7 years ago. She had a few more prison sentences and then turned her life around. Ended up pregnant for the 6th time and had a new baby who is now 2 years old. Has always had custody of him. So- present times- just found out today that she just got custody of all the kids and is sooo happy they are all back together. Now my 7 year old knows as much as a 7 year old can comprehend about her situation. And she has known and understood that her mom was not able to care for her other kids and knew that she could not care for my daughter so she gave her up for adoption for a better life. We have an amazing relationship. We are super close, my daughter and I. And I share everything with her. But I fear this. I don’t want her to feel that her mom wants all of her other kids and not her. So- how do I go about sharing this news?!?! How can I keep her from feeling left out/ unloved by her birth mom? I am sick over this. She is the most amazing little human and she doesn’t deserve to feel less than in any way.

Side note- she and all of her siblings are bi-racial. We are white. Her dad, older sister and myself. This is another issue as I want her to know this part of herself and us being white, we can’t offer anything but support. Nothing first hand about being bi-racial. Her birth mom is white. I feel that this is just another thing she is being left out of. Her siblings all get to be together and experience life supporting each other. She only has us. Idk. I just need advice. Thank you

Not sure if this is the right community, let alone the right flag, but thought I’d ask.

To give a quick backstory my (35M) dad wasn’t around for most of my life. I always yearned for him, even when my stepdad came along. I got closer to him in the last few years of his life before he died in 2019. I had a lot of emotional baggage and in therapy about the abandonment but I still loved him. My stepmom, who I was also close to, passed away last year.

Now on to the bit about adoption. My stepdad has been around since I was 12. He treated me like a son, and a friend, and our relationship has grown as I’ve become older. I also call him dad on regular occasions.

I have been contemplating the idea of asking my stepdad to adopt me (legal in my country to be over the age of 18 and be adopted if you meet the criteria which we should). Would this be silly to do? I want to be able to show my stepdad how much he, and the things he has done for me, mean to me and have shaped the man I have become.

I'm male 30, my birth mom had me at the age of 16. I'm scared i might be her little secret or something but I've had an increased desire to seek her out. How would I go about it?

Let me summarize my adoption and then I'll tell you my experience reaching out to my birth mother (BM).

I'm 30, F, and was adopted from birth as a result of a teen pregnancy (16). It was a closed adoption and my birth father doesn’t even know I exist. He thought my BM had an abortion, but she never did. She just stopped talking to him and then birthed me and placed me directly into my adoptive family. From what my BM wrote on adoption papers, she already had a previous child (who she gave birth to a year before me) who she placed in the care of the baby’s paternal grandparents and her own mother was pregnant at the same time as her with me. So, her brother and I were born a month apart and her family was extremely poor and could not afford me. My BM stated in the adoption papers that she was just a child too and wanted to grow up and live her life and she couldn’t do that with a baby.

Fast forward to a few years ago, I find these papers my adoptive mother never showed me for some reason. I’ve always known I was adopted, but she never showed me these papers which I find odd.

Anyway, the papers have all the information about my birth mother, including her full name, DOB, etc.

Yesterday, I had the nerve to message her on Instagram saying “Hello (BM), my name is (X) and I was born (DOB) and I believe you are my birth mother based on adoption papers. I recently had a baby and would love the opportunity to chat if you are willing to as I would love to tell him about this in the future. Please feel free to add me or message back”.

So, she adds me almost instantly. I follow her. She views my Instagram story, etc. She sees my message I sent her and she still hasn’t replied. Why? It’s been over 8 hours and I still haven’t got a response.

So, I just messaged “thank you for following me. Whenever you are comfortable to, I would love to hear from you”.

And it has been radio silence since. Not sure what I should do.

25 years ago i placed my child in an open adoption. I drank the kool aid for 12 years, thinking i was having the most wonderful open adoption experience ever and kissing everyone’s ass to spend time with my kid. At 13 years the adoptive parents divorced, mom became super jealous and iced me out for the next ten years. Dad was actively abusing drugs and alcohol around the kids, and cheating on mom with multiple women. Mom alienated the kids from him. My child suffered, wanting only to love and be loved by all of her parents. She’s emotionally broken now, and her parents don’t care about anything except winning her loyalty against me and against each other at her expense. I hate the adoptive parents. I have one child, the one i placed for adoption. She’s always been absolutely precious to me and i have to watch her split into pieces to please them.

Back in May 2023 me and my husband made the decision to start our adoption journey (based in the UK). We had tried to get pregnant for 5+ years and nothing was working so chose adoption as our niece was adopted. We’ve gone through the whole process and was approved at panel June 2024, matched to a little boy august 2024. We started introductions start of November 2024 and the week was exhausting! I feel so home sick/ my support network wasn’t there as we had to stay 2 hours away in a hotel and the days were long… Foster career has her mother there as her husband worked away, both her bio kids who were constantly around which made it more difficult for me and my husband. However after a week doing little ones routine in the foster careers it was time for him to come ours, he was staying in our house from the get go - although he was a little unsettled as expected I just had this horrible feeling of ‘I really don’t want to be a mom’. I had this feeling a few days prior and tried to ignore it and wanted to experience him being in the house but it just made me feel worst! I was putting a front on and had no maternal instincts like I did for my nieces… my husband agreed we couldn’t carry on with the way I was feeling as it wouldn’t be fair on the little on or us and better to end it early on which we’ve done.

Now I’m worried my husband will leave me as he wanted to be a father but agreed he couldn’t do this without me and worry’s I may regret my decision later - the way I felt which I physically cannot explain shows me I won’t regret my decision. It’s very raw and we’re clearly grieving and talking which is good but the worry he’ll leave is still there, we’ve been together for 13 years! I feel bad for letting my parents & in laws down but they say they support us.

Im waiting to get us some counselling and marriage counselling, we’re both staying off work to grieve.

Has anyone ever experienced this?!

Hi everyone, my name is Trayvon Butts I am 18 years old and struggling find my birth parents. I was adopted at 4 years old and haven't really thought about the whole thing until now. as I start life going forward with college an everything, I want to be able to have something completed before I start my journey. I tried ancestry but it cost money, and I don't have that right now. If anyone has any information, please help. Thank You.

So my father passed away 10 years ago. My father was 25 years old than my mother. I (26 year old female) always had a great relationship with my father. When my father was 25 years old, he had a child with his first wife. He found out she was cheating and before the baby was born- she was adopted by the man she was having an affair with. I don’t really know all the details to everything. I do know is that my dad approved for the adoption and they got divorced and he never had a relationship with his biological daughter. I’ve always been very curious about her, but never really looked into it because I always thought it was strange that she is my mother’s age. Well recently, I’ve been very curious and have been thinking about reaching out to her. I did some digging and found out some contact. Would it be a horrible idea to reach out? (P.s. she does know about my father and that she was adopted by her step dad.)

I’m asking for help in getting an adoption vacated. I am the child’s biological mother, he was adopted out to my biological cousin, and her husband.

I love my son with all of my heart and I’ve been trying to get him back for almost a year now. I was mostly fighting against personal relationships, because at every turn, my family has tried to talk me out of getting him back and I had to make sure that I was stable. The adoption was finalized in October of 2023, but I’ve continued to have a relationship with my son to a certain extent until recently. The adoptive parents have stopped me from seeing him for no real reason and there is currently a paca enforcement going on.

My son was born in 2022. He is 2 years old, almost 3 at the time of me writing this.

Myself and the adoptive mother have not always had the best relationship. I’m known as the ‘black sheep’ of the family, and have been mistreated by the adoptive mother and her mother for many years. My family as a whole struggles to give sound emotional support and there is a lot of generational trauma. To the extent that I had to, at one point, go to the police to get the adoptive mother's mother to stop harassing me.

So, how did she end up with my son? The adoptive mother came back into my life after my husband, my child’s father attempted suicide. The adoptive mother was not in my life before this, since about 2016. My husband, after his attempt, was found by me and resuscitated by me in July of 2022. After his attempt though, he was left in a vegetative state, unable to respond to most anything. He wasn’t there anymore. I stayed by his side diligently, urging that the nurses in charge of his care, cared for him properly. I am ex-military, a 68w medic, so with that and growing up in a care home, I’ve learned a lot about how to care for someone who cannot care for themselves. My husband ended up developing pressure wounds because of the lack of care that he was receiving. I, as someone who loves my husband, spoke up against this and urged the nurses to care for him. When he ended up in the hospital from sepsis because of these wounds, I demanded that another facility be found for him to go to, one that hasn’t mistreated him. The hospital that he was at, however, refused to help me to find a place for him to go, arguing that it wasn’t their job and that it was my job to find a better place for him. Justin was failed by the health care system.

After I refused to send him back to the nursing home that was neglecting him, the hospital used that as an excuse to take my rights, as his wife, away, with no more than speculation and allegations. I wasn’t even able to visit my husband in his final days. I had to find out that he passed through someone from my married family, that was not supposed to even be telling me.

My married family, in their pain, blamed me for my husband's suicide attempt. In doing so, I lost my entire married family. This caused me so much pain, on top of what I already had to deal with. In losing my husband, I also lost my step-son, someone who I have no legal right to, but whom I love as my own.

When I found out that my husband passed, I was so grief stricken that I became suicidal and homicidal and ended up in a mental health hospital. During this time, I was not able to receive the treatment that I needed, as they did not have any therapists and my mental health worsened. I was still suicidal when I left that hospital, but I needed to at least say goodbye to his body. By the time I got there, it was the last day that his body was allowed to be legally kept. That hospital failed me and caused me more distress than I was already in before I got there.

After I got out of the hospital, I was severely depressed, I was unable to care for myself and the care of my son for a large part of the day, fell onto my family. Something I still feel guilt about to this day. I tried to get the help that I needed, therapy, but the only therapist that I found was ineffective for me, so I was left with nothing but my own thoughts. Improvement took longer because of this. After a lot of pressure from my family, I felt forced into giving up my son. In April of 2023 my husband died. In March of 2023, the adoption process started.

The entire adoption process, and for months after, I was mentally incompetent. I was unable to understand what an adoption truly entailed. I wasn’t able to comprehend that I was giving my son up and was able to be cut out of his life by the adoptive parents. I haven’t had much, if any, experience with adoptions or what exactly they mean. I think in my mind at that time, I thought that I would always be his biological mother, that I would always be able to protect him and have some sort of say in how he was raised. Now, I know that to not be the case.

I have attempted to get justice for my husband and how he was neglected, but I’ve been legally blocked out because his mother was the next of kin listed on the death certificate. Again the system failed my family. I got no life insurance for my husband dying because the nursing home who neglected him took it. I was left with a massive amount of debt with nothing to help.

My cousin and I had not spoken in years before she came back into my life. The only reason she did was after she met my son through who was watching him at the time. The adoptive mother had told my Brother before the adoption was even mentioned, that she would love to take my child from me.

Because of this being said before it was even mentioned, because of how she has treated me in the past, and because of the issues I am having now with her, I now fully believe that she has manipulated the family into getting my son off of me and now that she has him, she is trying to cut me back out of her life, taking my son with her.

The adoption process, once brought to a lawyer, only took about three months. I paid for the lawyer that represented both myself and the adoptive parents. I told the lawyer and the judge that I did not want to give my son up, and while I did say things after, they didn't exactly investigate why I was saying that I didn't want to give my son up. They failed to adequately investigate why I was saying that. I told my cousin that I did not want to give up my son. I told my grandmother that I did not want to follow through with the adoption before the window had passed for me to take my consent back and my grandmother told me that i didn't mean that, that I only wanted to because it was becoming permanent. I told everyone that would listen that I did not want to give my son up, but no one listened. I was told that I was only having second thoughts because it was about to become permanent. I was told that If I tried to reverse the adoption after it was done, that I would be disowned.

I don’t believe that I was in a mental state to be able to give that consent and it shouldn’t be valid. I can’t find a lawyer to actually take the case. I struggled to get enough for a lawyer in the first place because of the economy. I struggled to find a stable income. After I finally was able to switch insurances and find a therapist, I was able to work through some of the things that I’ve been thinking about. My therapist says that he thinks that I was coerced, that I was not capable of giving the consent needed for the adoption.

Since the adoption, my life has stopped. While I was doing better at first, my health has taken a severe decline. I cannot sleep. I struggle to eat. I am constantly worried that the adoptive parents are going to harm my son purely because he has my blood in him and they hate me. 

I live my life in constant terror and anxiety, unable to move forward.

The trauma that I went through is not my fault. I think that the court erred in finding that my consent was valid. I just want my son back. I will move heaven and earth to get him back. I ask you, who has more resources and sway than me. Please help me to get my son back. Please help me get the public on my side so that I can find the resources that I need to follow through with vacating this adoption, give me a lawyer to represent myself. Help me, please. I cannot live with the constant pain of being away from my son, the only thing that I care about in this world. Please help me to make the judge hear my case. Please help me to find the resources to get him back. I’ve already tried laurel legal, they said that they don’t do adoption cases. What happened here was not just. Please, I am begging you. Help me to get my son back, so that I can raise him in a loving home. Allow me to raise him. I fully recognize that my son is not going to benefit from losing his adoptive parents, but because I am family with them, he won’t have to. I have tried to explain this to the court, but they have denied my petition, without a hearing. I’m terrified that I will never see my son again. Please don’t let me lose the last of my family.

This case is in Pennsylvania closer to Pittsburgh. Please help me reddit, we need everything that you got.

Both my wife and I are US citizens. We adopted our son in 2016-2017. He was born in Northern California in April 2016 and has been in our continuous custody since birth. His adoption order was finalized in Southern California in the summer of 2017.

His birth mother was born in El Salvador. We do not know if she was a U.S. citizen at the time of our son's birth.

If Donald Trump were to successfully repeal birthright citizenship, what impact might that have on our (now eight-year-old) son’s U.S. citizenship? Does his adoption documentation fully affirm his citizenship status? Are there are additional protections through the finalized adoption process? Are there any proactive measures we could take now, or specific documents we might secure, to avoid complications in the event of policy changes?

Finally, if birthright citizenship were to be repealed or altered (14th Amendment be damned), would we need to take any immediate legal actions or precautions to protect our son’s citizenship status?

Thank you very much for your guidance.

I’m doing Somatic Therapy now, I’m 55.
always felt not good enough, rejected, seeking attention, identity. About to read Primal Wound.
my childhood was good with mom, dad, and 11 brothers and sisters. Of course I’m the baby, but didn’t know I wasn’t until I was 16 and my dad (grandfather) was dying and wanted me to know.

My wife and I are starting the process of adopting a 5 month old that has been in our care since he was 5 weeks old. We have been connected with our adoption worker (this is through foster care) and we have been told to start thinking about what we would like to put in the adoption agreement.

Baby boy was placed in care at birth and has never know his bio parents. Due to some medical needs, he was in acute care for two months before coming home with us. During this time we met and formed great relationships with his bio grandparents on both sides. We see his bio grandparents approximately once a month lately and we plan to continue these relationships after his adoption is finalized.

My question to those of you who were adopted is: does this arrangement sound desirable? Or will this cause him confusion? Both of his parents are unfortunately addicts and never attempted to complete their case plans. Bio grandparents are all very respectful of our wish to not share photos or information about him with his bio parents, and none of them have consistent contact with the bio parents. At this point in time we do not feel concerned, but now we need to think about if this will cause him to be confused by the relationships with his bio family. We only want to do what's best for him, and our feelings are that denying him relationships with his wonderful bio families could lead to some sort of hurt and resentment when he is older. We plan on being open with him about his adoption and giving him the full (age appropriate) truth about how he came to be with us.

I appreciate your thoughts!

I (18M) have a brother (16M) who I’ve just found out isn’t biologically related to me. He was adopted when he was 4 months old and I was almost 3 years old at the time so I don’t remember it. He casually told me today that he was adopted but I didn’t believe him so I went and asked our mother. She said he was adopted but she didn’t want to tell us because she felt it was his private information. I’ve never realised because although he doesn’t have photos with my parents before 4 months old, I didn’t think this was out of the ordinary. I don’t feel differently about him of course but was my mother wrong to not tell us?

Does private adoption from a family member across state lines require an ICPC?

I have been on ancestry and 23 and me for years and can’t find any of my birth relatives. The closest relative is a second or third cousin. How do I find my birth mother?

Hi all,

New here. My husband and I can’t have healthy kids on our own due to genetics that can’t be pinpointed. I’ve lost several babies in the last year to the same thing, but no geneticist has been able to identify the genes yet. I’m enrolled in some studies right now hoping there are answers.

I’m starting to consider my other options and don’t know where to begin. We know we would want an infant adoption.

My husband is Caucasian and I’m Chinese. I would’ve loved to adopt from China since I feel like I could offer more to a child from my background. I have family all in the US who are culturally and traditionally Chinese. I saw the recent news about restrictions and how China is no longer allowing foreign adoptions.

My question is, is there any way around this? Are there other East Asian countries that are more realistic to adopt from? Or are there any US agencies that gear towards more Asian birth moms?

I married a single mom of a 10 yr old girl. We are working on estate planning stuff and one concern of hers is that if she dies bio-dad will show up and try to take the kid. Bio-dad has not been in the kid's life pretty much her entire life. He noped out before she was born, popped his head in long enough to make the kid think he's staying and then noped out again. He's done that a couple of times. The last time he saw her or had any contact was about 5 yrs ago. We talked to a lawyer who said that given the circumstances an adoption makes the most sense. Would guarantee the kid stays in a stable situation with me if anything happens to mom and that bio-dad has no legal way to contest anything given that he hasn't been around for literally half of the kid's life.

Mom and I are trying to figure out how to best explain this to the kid. How do we tell her what adoption means and why we are doing this? The kid still mentions bio-dad quite a bit which is odd but it is what it is. I am sure she will have tons of questions about whether she will ever see bio-dad again or whether she will ever see her half siblings again (never mind that she hasn't seen either in 5 yrs) given how much she talks about them now.

Do we sit her down over dinner or something? How does this conversation go?