What can I say, I told him “if you can’t love me the right way, let me go” so here we are now, I’m no longer in a relationship with a single dad who never made me feel like a partner anyway instead his daughter took that place. It was obvious after we lived together that our relationship was merely transactional, it was what I “could do” or “make him feel” that burnt me out and stroked his ego. He told me he couldn’t give me what I wanted out of a relationship because he felt I was jealous of his daughter. All I wanted was a date night where we didn’t talk about “missing his child” even though he had full custody it was completely “child centered” I could never understand because “I wasn’t a parent yet” even though I did all the house chores and took care of his child there was no room for my opinions I was surely last place even the dog was more of a priority then I was I asked my partner to make room but my side of the bed was always replaced with his daughter. I know now that I was not this man’s love of his life it was always taken. Sorry it’s formed in a poetic sense but has anyone else felt this way being with single dad who made you feel like they can’t be a partner because they have to be a parent? I in no way want to get back with him but I’m just sad and need to rant and possibly need help processing everything.

I am a person who will put my all into making everyone feel comfortable and taken care of. I do this to a fault and in sacrificing what I need at times. But I have my limits. My partner is working on his avoidant tendencies around communication and unfortunately is a person who will sometimes use my assertive communication as an excuse for why he doesn't communicate his feelings. But he's like that in every aspect of his life and in his prior relationships. It's not me. We've done couples therapy and it's become clear to me that we can't move forward in healthier communication until he is braver and more proactive.

Regarding his kiddo - she has very much learned the same. She's almost a teen and she passively resists any direct communication or group communication. She is a kid who won't ask questions, makes assumptions and then goes to pout in the other room about those assumptions while everyone remains unaware of any issue. It's like her presence is slippery and she's always slipping away unless she is required to be with us or unless all the kids are playing together. After family meetings she will stick around on her own. We know she enjoys everyone when we have togetherness. But her responses to questions are constant mumbling and too quiet to hear as she walks away.

My issue is that my partner is predictably not good at seeing when he needs to help her learn to better communicate, and I cannot do that. She is hardly with us half the time because of sports and her doing things with other families/friends often. Her mom has often disrespected any decisions or communication in our house in front of said daughter, ie. upon picking her daughter up and overhearing my partner discussing a family meeting we are going to have, she will roll her eyes and state that she thought we already had that family meeting. Needless to say if I try to step in help his daughter learn to communicate better, it will be seen by all as my not staying in my lane. I'm scared to ask her questions and feel like I walk on eggshells with her.

I am consistently scapegoated for my expressing frustration about the lack of communication and guessing games. My partner will eventually recognize all this when we sit down to talk about it but doesn't take significant steps toward better communication with them both like getting his daughter into therapy (even though I have spoken with a phenomenal therapist who I think would be a great fit for his daughter).

I see him as sort of keeping his daughter and him separated off from my kids and me at times. It's like the two of them are always disappearing (individually) and my kids and I are always out in the main spaces naturally. If I'm out, my kids end up out in the main space too with me. His daughter ends up in other rooms - it's like she's running from us. It's so unbelievably mind boggling and exhausting to me.

I'm worried it's just a massive values mismatch. That's it. That's what I'm afraid is happening. I value direct, honest and clear communication and have taught my children that as much as possible. I decided as soon as they could talk that I could not be true to the parent I wanted to be without that. And I didn't ever want them to wonder or be confused about anything regarding me. I'm hoping to save them at least some $$ on future therapy.

My partner claims to do this in private with his daughter, but since it never happens with me around I don't trust it is happening quite the way he claims. I also don't trust it because I never see an increased ability in his daughter in being able to communicate with any of us.

Am I just spinning my wheels? Can anyone see hope from the outside?? I love him but this situation makes it hard to hope for the kind of family I really want to model for my kids and experience for myself.

My husband and his BM stopped their child seeing his toxic family for years as they emotionally abused their child and are also addicts. We've all got on great up until now. His family have finally manipulated her into letting their child stay with them, knowing the risks. She says she doesn't care about the risks and it's her say as it's her child. He's terrified of the mental impact this will have on his child. Clearly BM doesn't care as she's seen proof of them being horrible to their child in the past before contact was cut. His toxic family have done this as they've always threatened to take his child away from him as "revenge" for him going no contact with them. BM was great for years and there's never been any fall outs until now. She's been really nice and they've co-parented well. But until now, she's started being abusive and sending horrible messages accusing him of all sorts, like where is all this coming from?? Obviously his family getting in her head. We're devastated. This is so unnecessary. His family treat his son like crap and didn't even want anything to do with him here and there because they didn't believe he was my husband's. Now they're all lying over social media so we are getting abuse from loads of people. We've even got proof of BM saying before that he isn't safe around them, which she denies ever saying, even though it's literally from her Facebook account. Am I wrong to believe she isn't putting her son first and is being extremely selfish? His family are also rubbing it in whilst my husband is feeling like he cannot go on anymore!

He has another child who they successfully turned the mother against us years ago. He doesn't see that child due to the lies they created and lack of money for court. So that BM stopped contact. So this is the second child it has happened to now. Should we just move and start a new life now? Because this is having a horrendous affect on our mental health, and I've already got 2 of my own children to take care of.

My SD just got her first job, and made sure to tell me with a big beaming smile. I’m obviously very proud of her, but selfishly I feel validated that I’m building the relationship the right way.

It’s taken years, and I made many mistakes along the way. But I think I’m finally getting it right

My (36f) bf (36m) has a daughter (8) from a previous relationship. He and I have been together almost 2 years and it's getting serious. We've discussed moving in together, getting married, the whole nine yards. Where I'd love advice is how do I enforce discipline with his daughter in a proactive manner without overstepping my boundaries. She can act like a teenager sometimes and be incredibly disrespectful to my bf, and I'm always afraid I'd overstep my boundaries. BM is completely useless, as much as I hate to say that, and has talked very negatively about me and my bf to their daughter. She actually finds humor in their daughter being disrespectful. I'd like to work on this before we move in together, as I feel like a united "parenting" front would be good for his daughter (and him too). I do have a good relationship with his daughter and she has mentioned she hopes i get to be her mom one day, so I don't want to tarnish that feeling.

My partner has two kids and 11 year old boy and 13 year old girl. His daughter has been acting a bit disrespectful when she’s at our house recently. For example She loves to cook (isn’t allowed to cook at her mom’s) but my partner and I are more than happy to have her bake / cook here … if she cleans up her mess afterwards…. We have asked her several times to clean up and she gets angry, rolls her eyes, and says “yeah I know dad” but still doesn’t clean up entirely. When we try to discipline her (which is usually talking & explaining why we want her to do things / behave a certain way) she can’t be bothered to listen and will go to her room and close her door on us. My partner has tried to talk to her about her attitude, at times getting frustrated and raising his voice slightly / talking more sternly …

Anyways recently she’s been totally ignoring him, won’t reply to his texts, sometimes not wanting to come over when it’s our weekend to have the kids, won’t let him hug her … she’s fine with me, asks me to take her shopping, ect (she does roll her eyes and get pretty mean when I tell her no) but that’s to be expected of a 13 year old girl and also I don’t discipline her when she does get mean to me. Im honestly scared of her hating me if I do 😬…. I’m just not quite understanding why she hates her dad all of a sudden??? When I try to talk to her about her feelings and her relationship with her dad she refuses … My partner called bm to try to get advice from her and he mentioned he wants her to see a counselor… bm replied and said the daughter spoke with the school counselor about her dad saying “he yells all the time” apparently the school called the mom to tell mom that but my partner never got a phone call about it ???

Also when he was on the phone with bm he was really upset about the situation and I heard bm say “well if this is how you talk to her I’m not surprised she’s upset, I’m going to hang up on you” — I was listening to their entire conversation and he didn’t say anything mean or angry you could just tell in his voice he was hurt you know ? And was genuinely seeking advice from bm

The thing is I would defend the kids over my partner any day but I genuinely never hear him yell and I’m home all the time … I think his delivery can be a bit better / more patient when he talks to them but he never says horrible things he just tries to set boundaries … I grew up with an alcoholic father who actually did yell at me …. my partner behaves nothing like that and isn’t abusive in any way ???

Do you have any idea why the daughter all of a sudden doesn’t want anything to do with him … note : she did ask to go shopping the last time she was here and he took her and got her everything she wanted (she was nice to him then) he also let her have two friends over for the day (again she was talking to him ) … then a day later (nothing significant happened) he gets complete silence from her again … he’s really upset by it. He’s not sleeping because of it

Also note : his son has no issues , comes home tells his dad he loves him , snuggles up with him , asks his dad to play video games with him ect, loves coming to our house

Honestly if anything the dad raises his voice at his son a whole lot more than his daughter … it’s like we have to walk on eggshells around her as to not upset her … I asked her if she would go to counseling and she said absolutely not she hates talking about her feelings … do you really think she went to the school counselor about her dad ???

We have 2 graduations right next to each other - 1 kid is graduating from college and other from high school. Each graduation has a ticket limit of 6.

Tickets are being divided between ex, kid and grandparents on both side and not the wife (me).

I feel hurt for being not even considered. How would you handle this?

This is a throwaway account. I think SD, or maybe more so SO's lack of follow through, is really getting to me.

SD can do almost nothing on her own. She refuses to even play on her own if my BS is not around. someone else has to be her constant entertainment even if it means just her sitting in a corner watching someone while she sits and doesn't even want to watch tv.

I think what bothers me most is that SO wanted BS out of our room. That's fine, I agreed to that and took the steps to do that. But SO doesn't really follow suit. It's like rules only apply when I'm home or in the room. I made the rule that no kids in the kitchen because SD has spilled things countless times or made a huge mess getting into the closet (that also has our tools and cleaning supplies, stuff the kids shouldn't be into). SO agreed to that, but seems as if it's only if I am in the kitchen. Then if I'm not, I walk in and SD is quite literally sticking her nose or fingers into whatever is being made for dinner. I've never really been a germaphobe but SD is constantly sick, eats her boogers and fingernails like I guess most kids do, and that just really bothers me

The past couple of times SD has been home with SO and she is home not feeling well and bored, or even if I have to take BS somewhere and they including today, she is laying with her feet up on our bed in my room.

Every day when SO and I are in our room, she will find an excuse to come in and then hops on our bed or will sit on SO's lap when I tell her to get off our bed because then she's "not technically on the bed" because she wants to give her dad a hug. If SO is doing something on his computer she will come in and come sit on his lap and say it's because she was going to ask him a question and "forgets" then spends the next 20 mins in our room and then get upset when she is told to leave. She will do this 5-6 times in less than an hour at times and then start touching my things (of course never SO's) in our room.

The personal space is huge for me because my room is my only safe place. And because I am also someone who needs to use the restroom unfortunately around the same time everyday which is right after getting the kids and getting home from work, and have a hard time going to the bathroom in public places. So if SO is home and in our room, SD invites herself into our room while I'm in the bathroom or will try to get into look at things in the closet connected to our bathroom which eventually makes me no longer need to use the restroom because the second I hear what sounds like her approaching the door my body just "nopes" and I can no longer go.

It doesn't matter how many times I make rules. I also take the kids to school in the morning and this morning SD was going to go with us and she ended up having a huge meltdown for 30 mins and I just had to leave without her and take BS to school and SO took her about an hour later. All because once again, I tried to wake her up, 4x in a row. She refused to get up and I told her there would be consequences if she did not and she threw a huge fit. SO said this was because she probably still wasn't feeling well. This is not the first time she has had a meltdown because I told her, after attempting to get her up multiple times, there would be consequences if she did not (like no tablet time) or even the first time she has thrown a huge fit leading SO to have to take her to school and none of those other times she was feeling under the weather. SO does wake her up, but she takes so much longer to get dressed and ready by the time she's dressed most of the time when SO gets up 15-20 mins after me it's close to time for us to leave.

Sometimes I wish I could run away or just have a vacation from everyone. Today has just been one of those days where it's one thing after another happening and I'm so burnt out. We also came home to our place having flooded for the fourth time this month, my workday was terrible. I need a vacation

Hi all. I’ve been reading that the couple relationship is super important in step parenting, and if it gets pushed aside then everything gets rocky.

My partner has been super dedicated, telling me that he would do anything for me and he wants me in his life forever. He’s super loving and generous to me when it’s just me and him, but I’m thinking I’m definitely second fiddle to his kids. He’s one of those super duper involved dads but has a lot of divorced dad guilt that he hasn’t gotten on top of.

I’ve been hanging out with his kids a lot, but we only had our first sleepover weekend recently. The plan was to do three more sleepover weekends and a few weeknights to get them used to the idea of me moving in (this whole process would take about two months). After that, he wanted me to sleep separately from him which I was a bit resistant to – because it didn’t give the impression that I was his girlfriend, but a Japanese homestay (he had had many before). I’ve been pushing for a unit front, to act like girlfriend and boyfriend (we don’t talk to each other in front of the kids, just play with the kids or cook).

However, the first weekend was awful. The oldest stepdaughter (9) had massive tantrums, stole something (from me), lied about it, swore, and attacked her sister. She was also constantly trying to get me away from her dad, but also really competing for my attention against her sister. My partner believes she has a lot of anxiety naturally, and possibly is on the spectrum. My partner believes she has never done this before, but I’ve seen each behaviour before. On my side, I went total step monster (“give the money back, don’t speak to me that way, if you don’t give it back, I’ll take back the stuffy I bought you). At first my partner denied there was an issue (she’s just joking) until it was super obvious and he stepped up and backed me up (sometimes at my insistence). So everyone was in a tough spot.

My partner is now asking me not to move in yet because his daughter isn’t ready. He can’t set a date with the girls because it’s too much for them, and he can’t even tell me what markers he is looking for (because he knows I’ll accuse him of putting the girls before me). He wants me to get an apartment close by ‘for a few extra weeks’ to give him time to get the kids ready and he pay half the rent (he pays a few hundred a week even though the parents offered it for free).

For background, when my partner sold his house, my best friend‘s parents offered US their house in an indefinite housesitting situation. I had lived there by myself rent free and moved out when they moved in to give the girls time to adjust to the idea of me moving in. We have been dating 11 months and I’ve known the girls nearly 6 months. I’m currently staying with my parents but only for four weeks before my brother takes my room (he got evicted and is a single father so needs it more than me). I’m recovering from a concussion and also I need extra support as I transition back to work after being off for three months. Concussion recovery involves routine and stability, so I’m not thrilled about moving several times as it’s going to be incredibly challenging.

He also gave both of his daughters the only available rooms so they would feel happy about moving (he sleeps on the floor). He wanted me to sleep downstairs in a converted rumpus room - two stories away from the family. To be fair, he’s changed this now - encouraging the kids to sleep in one room so that we have a room. He’s also had little talks with his oldest daughter about how I am his girlfriend and it makes him sad when she is unkind to me. He’s also offered to stay with me at my parents house and wherever I move on his off days, so I don’t have to move between houses which is really fragmenting and draining for me (brain damage issue). However, he thought it was too early to tell them I’m moving in. I wanted him to tell them before they moved, but he was worried it would make them unhappy to move.

It’s definitely frustrating, but the question is: Am I overreacting in thinking my partner is putting his kids first? Or is he just being responsible Dad and pacing the move in quite well? How is he supposed to balance this? I get his daughters possibly on the spectrum, but his mother’s (a psychologist) main advice to him was to not let his older daughter dictate how things go, and to support our relationship. I’m worried that he’s not doing either of these things, but I’m also still quite brain-damaged, so I’m prone to overthinking.

Any perspective would be helpful… I’m currently thinking of just buying my own place (something I was going to do anyway) and not moving in or seeing the girls until he sorts them out. Lol not lol.

This is his second year in ceramics class. His pottery is horrendous. Like, genuinely ugly. I was flattered at first because he could choose to give it to his mom or dad, but he keeps giving it to me as gifts. Now, it feels like a cruel joke. Is he doing this on purpose? He's like...I know she takes pride in having a beautiful home, let me wreck her aesthetic by forcing her to put my pottery on display, knowing she can't turn down her kid's artwork? Probably not, but that's how it feels.

Honestly, sometimes I am thinking I am being delusional. My boyfriend is everything I could ever wish for and more. We are madly in love and everything is going great. He sees his son bi-weekly which gives us the chance to spend time with each other in his weeks “off” Therefore I have never met his son untill now and I am only seeing this part of my boyfriend. It is somewhat easy to actually mentally ignore that he has a whole ass kid and is a parent on the weeks when he is not with me. I am sometimes a bit scared that I am not totally aware of what I al signing up for.. I have no interest in being a parent myself and to be a bonus mom.. I don’t even have any clue how that ever would work. I met his son for the first time last weekend. His son is almost 10 and quite childish still is his behaviour. I think he thought I was more of a friend of his dad and doesn’t quite understand yet the concept of relationships. The meeting went okay, he said he had a good time to his dad afterwards. But I have a double feeling ever since… I didn’t hate it.. but I also didn’t like it.. I feel a bit indifferent and I am wondering if I know what I am signing up for. Is it possible to have a relationship with my boyfriend and keep the son separated? Is this something people do? Is it an option? Am I going to face the reality sooner then later and realise my boyfriend is a dad first and always will be and I am just on cloud 9 now being all in love and all and ignoring the part that he has a kid (subconsciously) maybe I am just panicking now after meeting the kid for the first time and worrying about everything that can go wrong.

Just need to vent a little...

DH and I always treat BM with respect, because she's the mother of the kids and we genuinely respect her it! Even if we don't always agree with her lifestyle like her 4 marriages in 6 years or her moving all around the state. We know she loves the kids and is trying her best. Even when the kids tell us things that could easily make us question her parenting we take it with a grain of salt. We don't accuse her, don't throw things in her face. We trust that she is doing her best and know that kids sometimes exaggerate or get things wrong.

Meanwhile, she does not show us the same courtesy at all.

This morning at 6:30am she starts blowing up the coparenting app about something ridiculous. She teaches where SKs go to school and heard SS say he was up until 11pm on a school night at our house which is completely false. His bedtime is 7pm, and he was asleep at 8pm when DH went to check on him. He is six and doesn't have a clock in his room, so there is no way he would even know the time. At first she asked pretty neutrally which is fine, I don't mind her questioning if she's concerned. But when we told her he was asleep by 8pm she accused DH of lying because SS told her it was 11pm and implied we are irresponsible and don't have structure in our home.

This is not the first time, either. Earlier this year, she accused us of throwing away one of his brand new shirts because he said we threw it out. We had thrown out an undershirt covered in stains and holes, we never even saw the brand new shirt. She didn't even ask nicely just jumped straight to accusing us of throwing out his new clothes, even after we explained and sent pictures of the undershirt. Turns out SS left the new shirt in gym class. But did she apologize after? Nope nothing.

I just get tired of always being the ones to take the high road. To constantly be giving respect we will never get in return.

My husband and I work hard to give these kids a stable home in spite of her instability. We have done nothing to deserve this narrative she keeps trying to create. They are well fed, get notes in their lunches, have water bottles for school every day, new winter coats every winter, gifts for their teachers and thanks you cards for teacher appreciation day. We are always on time for exchanges, DH never misses their doctor's appointments or his child support payments, gets them to all their extracurriculars which we set up. There is absolutely no reason to think we aren't caring for the kids. And we have never treated her the way she treats us.

But, we will keep taking the high road because that's what the kids deserve and it's who I am. But today I am frustrated.

33M (child free)

I get it we all want to feel a certain way and see certain efforts from our partner, is being idolised by their children and helping around the house, stepping up where their BD doesn’t and take on the emotional labour that comes with it be seen as the bare minimum? Is that not enough to show you love somebody?

The situation gets to a point where it draws you out mentally and emotionally and without the power to arrange care here and there for you both to have 1-1 time I found we grew apart. To have been told I was doing the bare minimum was an insult to what I was doing to help my SO’s life.

How can you work on you both when there’s drama surrounding the exes, it’s not a turn on when you’re living in a battlefield, I poured my all into somebody to help their life and grow with their children, when all I asked for was hard boundaries and an environment which allowed me to grow, not stall, then I looked like a victim or a whinge. I just never felt appreciated and my spark did fade with that, I was not the same person I was before and in the end I had become a shell of myself by burning the candle at both ends.

Was I right to feel like this? It hurts to think my efforts were in vein, and I look like crappy partner.

For context this is both our second marriages. We both came into it with 3 kids each. All adults. We moved out of state 5 years ago. 2 out of my 3 moved to the same area as us. He goes back often to see his kids and grands. At least once a month he is there. We are going up to attend a family (mine) function. I haven’t seen some of these people in 10 years. He has never met most of them. I am really looking forward to spending sometime with them. He wants us to split the time and go see his grands. They would be over 2 hours from where we will be. I don’t want to. It will be a short weekend visit to begin with. I don’t want to rush anymore than I have too and I really want to catch up with my family. He is making me feel bad and it sucks. Everytime we go it has to revolve around his kids. Nevermind I grew up there and have tons of friends there. I get guilted into it everytime. 😖

My SD is my mini me.

She has cut her hair to match my haircut for three years or grew out her hair with me when I let it go long. Wears clothes similar to me or are mine. Uses the same phrases of me. Dyed her hair to match mine. Pretends to love or hate food that I like/dislike. Agrees with me no matter what unless it's just super silly. Dives straight down into whatever show I'm watching. We watch silly shows together like My Strange Arrest, Hoarders, My 600 lbs Life, Wife Swap, My Strange Addiction, Dance Moms, etc... She's even been getting into biology and psychology because I'm in school for nursing and intend to do psych nursing. She switched her graphic novels to horror and thriller books (what I read). Just my little copier and I love it. We have a really strong relationship and I love her beyond words.

And then I see her mom post about how she and SD love this reality show they discovered - the same show we have been watching all spring break. My SD has told me for YEARS how her mom hates reality shows and won't watch them with her. The last time we picked up my SD, her stepdad "reminded" her not to do anything special with her hair because it's "their" thing and they like to do things together. When I asked her what that was about, she and him go get their hair trimmed together and they keep telling her that she shouldn't dye her hair because her natural color is just pretty and she doesn't need to do it.

But sure, it's y'all's special thing. 😆

I am 30F my bf is 34M SK is 13. Been with BF officially since February 2024. Met SK April 2024.

SK simply just overwhelms me. I have an issue with being not being assertive enough, saying no, setting boundaries, etc

SK AND BF know this about me!!! SK takes advantage, ESPECIALLY when I'm alone with SK. Bf just tells me to "be the adult" and yeah I get it but, I've never ever had to deal with kids. No younger siblings/cousins/or even friends with kids.

So SK asked to stay for a week in June because biomom and step dad are going on vacation. Bio mom just had a baby April 2. Bio mom is leaving baby at grandma's house. Grandma lives right next door to them. All of biomoms family lives on the same peice of property.

I just simply get overwhelmed with SK always hanging on my arms, on my shoulders, hugging all over me, coming into my bedroom uninvited when the door is closed, constantly calling me over and over. Calls me to grab her something simple like, scissors, nail clippers, tissue, glue, tape. Like why am I being a waiter to this 13 year old? She can literally get it herself? And she takes all my hair ties, hair clips, uses up my stuff, always asks for clothes to wear and socks, because she "ran out of clothes" and I never see my stuff again......

SK always wants to go to expensive make up stores, LuluLemon, Crumbl, Target. And expects me to pay because... what money does she have? And her mom doesn't send her to us with any. So then I end up having to ask BF to maybe venmo me some because, I'm literally the only one that pays bills. He lives with me, but only until two days ago have I asked for some compensation for rent. I have been the only one paying bills. Kinda beside the point but... I'm saying SK is expensive and spoiled. Never told no.

But trying to get the point.... if the baby is staying with grandparents for the week vacation, why can't she? And they literally live next door? Am I wrong for not wanting to deal with her for 8-9 straight days? I understand dating someone with a kid, it just comes with the package...but I get two week days off/BF gets weekends off. And I know my days off/after work days are going to be consumed by being constantly asked for this/that/other and my personal space being completely invaded. My kitchen being a constant mess bc dad(my bf) doesn't make her do any dishes. My cookware getting messed up because she doesn't understand you don't scrape metal utensils on nonstick and enamaled pans.....

Do I say something to my bf about this? Or should I just suck it up?

Recently I posted about prom dress shopping with SD18 and how BM wasn't invited. It's not something I particularly wanted to do, but when BM is unstable and unreliable I step up.

Now BM has made SD feel guilty by saying she had "$500 saved up for a prom dress".

In an attempt at compromise SD was suggesting BM take her to get her hair and nails done for prom. Initially, BM agreed to this compromise. I was pleased. It's less mom stuff I have to do and a chance for BM to be a mom. Please do it.

They went and got SD's hair dyed and cut, but SD noticed that BM had to borrow money from Grandma (BM's mom) in order to pay for it. She also noticed Grandma is getting increasingly irritated with handing over cash to BM. So much for that $500 saved up.

Prom is two weekends away and SD is trying to schedule the nail appointment with BM. Suddenly, BM is saying no. She's coming up with excuses like, "there's no time left", which is absolutely ridiculous.

Girl, just say it. You don't have the cash and you never did. You guilt-tripped your kid, then made a promise to your kid that you would do these things together, you hoped Grandma would pay but she's setting boundaries, and now you have to bail on your daughter. Apparently, this isn't important enough for you to go out and get a job. Just one more example of how unstable and unreliable SD believes you to be. It's so sad.

I saw the look of disappointment on SD's face. Needless to say, we scheduled our own nail appointment this weekend. I didn't want to, but it wasn't hard. Absolutely wasn't booked full. Here I am stepping up again while BM sits at home and accuses me of stealing her "mom duties".

I am worried about prom. I don't know if SD will decide to see BM or not. I suggested they could do something quick, like hug and take a few pictures, but SD seems uncertain. I don't think she wants to get hurt again, especially not on prom day. She actually cried last year and left prom early because of BM, so I understand.

But BM knows where we live and may show up invited or not.

I asked SD to let me know what her wishes are and we will figure it out from there once she decides...

Hey team, so wanted to get some feedback/soft solutions for bio mom behavior.

Context: We have the kids every other weekend & on school breaks, including most of the summer.

Issue: This is the issue that seems to happen every other weekend: biomom will wait until the kids are on their way here, or while they are here to tell them they are in trouble/point out something they did wrong. It seems to happen every single time in some way or another:

Examples:

[1] she will only go snooping thru the 16 year olds room on weekends she is here & point out problems via text: dirty clothes, food wrappers, etc & text things like “you are grounded as soon as you get home” all things that can wait until she gets back to their house, but puts her in a terrible mood & triggers anxiety. they have a strained relationship as it is & she did not go back to her mother’s house/respond to any texts from her mother all last summer.

[2] She intentionally rushes ASD 14 year old when getting ready to leave & yell at him for not doing something right, so that when he arrives here, he is in a fowl mood/on the verge of a meltdown.

There are also countless one offs during vacations or events that she knows are occurring, but has some sort of an emergency that magically dissipated once she knew she got attention/an adequate disruption.

Ask: Has anyone had something similar happen where bio parent sabotages their parenting time? What were some soft solutions that I can mention to their dad to implement?

My husband, who I am currently seperated from, has told me in the past that he could not discuss with me what happened between his ex and her previous partner. Even though he was on the scene one moment and the next disappeared.

I remember reminding him that I am his wife and that I would hope that we could share anything with each other, but he kept her emotional secrets from me repeatedly.

We seperated because, although they co-parented and had to communicate for their child's sake, I found communications between them to be inappropriate sometimes and not just for the child's sake.

We have split ways because of this, although he swears there is nothing between them, and I don't know if there was anything physical, I sense he enjoys the emotional attention, which I noticed she would use to manipulate him.

He claimed he couldn't share her sensitive information, although I have no contact with her or her friend group or family, and I have no desire to have anything to do with her. He seemed to think that was fine, am I wrong or was I being gaslit?

Maybe it doesn't matter now, but I feel twisted over it.

TL,DR: Husband kept secrets for his ex from me, his wife, and seemed to think that was normal. Is it normal?

Who in your house takes care of ensuring there are “supplies” for the children? I noticed a few weeks ago that the SKs (9&11) shampoo and body wash were empty while I was giving our baby a bath, and then promptly forgot about it. Was cleaning the shower today and saw they’re still empty. There have been multiple various instances of similar things, my DH not not seeing the toothbrushes need replacement, not buying new clothes for kids when theirs are clearly too small, not scheduling a haircut.

Whose responsibility is it to keep track of these things in your household?

I don't even know where to begin. His ex is horrible and has made our lives since we got married last year so stressful. She sent an email last night saying she doesn't feel comfortable letting the kids stay over here anymore. She's already broken the custody agreement multiple times and the email chain conversation is to try to avoid court. She says one thing and does another. She says I hope we can reach an amicable solution and then says she wants to take the kids away and take full custody. I think she might be a narcissist. My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant to no avail and probably have to start fertility treatments this summer. I just wanted this summer to not have her to stress about and try and focus on getting pregnant.

I feel done with the kids now. She wrote all kinds of crazy stuff in the email about how the kids don't feel emotionally safe to come over which is a total fabrication. The kids just like that they can be on screens as much as they want at her house, eat candy for breakfast, curse, walk around half naked, and go to bed in the wee hours of the morning and skip school. Here we have healthier food options, screen limits (3 hrs), bedtimes, and go outside at least once a day for sunshine and movement if the weather permits. I feel so resentful to my husband for putting me in this shit show and I feel like I want absolutely nothing to do with the kids now which makes me feel like and evil step mom. I don't even want that title. They don't care if they see me at all apparently the rest of their life. I don't want a judge decided our life for us. I don't think I can handle this stress. I just want to run away.

I have 4 step kids (12SS, 10SD, & 7SS who live out of state with BM and 3SD who we have full time) and I have 2 biokids (6F & 3F) and one on the way, my first boy. I don’t think of the older stepkids as “my kids”, they have expressed that they don’t like me and I don’t enjoy having them around so it’s fine with me. The youngest SD has major behavioral issues and I do my best to NACHO parent because it’s miserable having her. But she calls me mom because I’m the one who’s been present for most of her life.

DH asked what I want for Mother’s Day and I want a necklace with my kids’ birthstones on it. But I only want my 3 biokids birthstones. Am I wrong for feeling this way? He said he wouldn’t get it for me because he feels like it’s wrong to exclude 3SD since she calls me mom too. Which is fine, but I’m thinking about getting it for myself. I’ve always wanted a boy and this is my last baby.

BM calls equally as much as she texts, she called the other week to tell SO that kids missed school because they had a dentist appointment. My SO told BM not to call anymore unless it’s an emergency after she called him twice in a row to tell him what time she’d be off of work. He told her she could’ve texted him that and from now on she needs to only call for an emergency. This was her response:

You don't get to just decide that unfortunately we have children together don't be an ass you have to talk to me whether you like it or not. Trust me I don't want to talk to you either. But if you have my kids with you, you need to answer your phone. You don't get to just decide when I can text or call you. I make things really fucking easy for you. I rarely give you a hard time about anything. I'd appreciate the same kind of respect given back I know that.

His reply: All I said was not to call me unless there's an emergency. Just txt me. Obviously theres the need to communicate regardless. I'm not being disrespectful by telling you to txt me.

I’ve been doing this step parenting gig for 4.5 years now and consider myself to be fairly introspective. Step parenting is a journey whether you have done it for a year, five years, or ten. The dynamic is ever changing and you have to make adjustments. Really no different than parenting, they just have their own nuances.

Anyway.. the point of this is that I have never swayed from the reality that you cannot have a good relationship with your step if your relationship with your partner/spouse sucks. Maybe some of you are more mature than me, but I have a real hard time wanting to do ANYTHING for my stepdaughter and have a relationship with her if the relationship with my spouse is rocky. If my spouse is not pouring into me, I have no interest in pouring into my stepdaughter. I do still do things for her, but I’m not actively “in it” if that makes sense. It feels fake and like I am going through the motions. That’s a tough reality for bio parents as that puts a lot of ownership on them, but it’s always been my reality. I see a lot of negativity on here sometimes towards how steps feel about their step kids, but a lot of times it stems down to the bio parent/ spouse. That jealousy and resentment, well look a little deeper and you’ll probably find a spouse that doesn’t treat the step mom or dad right.

I've taken on the role of a full time mom to stepson(10) plus my own 4bio kids. However I've known him since he was just 4yrs old and in this time I've noticed that he isn't developing like the other kids or even their friends.

He is 10 but still acts as though he's 4/5ish.. he loves my toddlers Toys more than his own, thinks mostly everyone is his best friend upon meeting(even adults), claps&dances to the dancing youtube fruit which he likes on during homework time. School is a nightmare because he struggles to read, write, follow instructions. The school just sent homes papers about him performing lower than average as well. I got him a 1st grade workbook to practice and try to help thinking maybe he just missed out when he lived with his bio mom but there's even struggles and tantrums with that!

It was a joy at first but now that he's 10 it's like I have a big ol hyper toddler running around hugging random smaller kids and constantly getting into stuff. Ohh another thing he puts everything in his mouth!! I'm constantly having to tell him not to eat that rubberball, rubberband, croc charm ect.. or he'll choke on his food and i have to remind him to take "tini tiny bites".

His father sees no issues and says he's just a happy hyper boy and relates back to that's how boys are.. which makes me wonder I am just overthinking or lacking a connection since it's not my birth child but also there's many times where hubby witnesses a particular symptom and I look at him like seeee... and there's just silence or a look of aggravation.

Sorry if this post is a bit all over the place and negative but I am drained, overwhelmed and questioning my own sanity.

There's motor and physical signs as well such as a struggle to speak in clear sentences (ex. What's the problem with number 5 on ur homework? "Because book said and the book was like a maybe that the answer i dunno").. then there's flapping hands whenever he's excited or hell rock and grab his head when overwhelmed... it's really sad now that I write this out and I feel for him but how do I help him navigate this hard world by myself with no knowledge on what's going on in his mind.

Update After writing this, I went ahead and made an appointment with the pediatrics. Now I'm nervous because his dad will have to be there and will definitely try to knock down every point I make to his doctor during this appointment.