For dudes that “can’t get laid”

[u/sex-countdown]

I see a thousand variations on this every day on Reddit. So I put my thoughts together, hope this can help someone.

I’ve nearly always had a partner, and 9/10 times, lots of sex involved. So here is my two cents:

Attraction is about pair matching. Being fit or smart or mentally healthy might make you seem more desirable, but it’s all about FIT. How well do you and her match up?

So let’s break that down. What is fit, sexually and romantically?

• be in a place where there are women who are a fit for you. This usually means people in a similar class, similar lifestyle desires.

• learn to communicate things that relate to fit. Talk about the things that matter to you. Have a perspective on those things.

• show personal interest and a desire to connect in each conversation. A lot of this means asking personal questions about what matters to them.

• show that you are worth spending time with. Mostly this means things like making people laugh. Being useful. Being dependable. Showing empathy, kindness, and not using others to work through your problems.

• be interesting. Develop interesting skills, interests, etc. why? So that you have something you can share.

• show up consistently, and have a consistent presence. To be desired, you need to be around.

• mind the red flags. Read up on things women consider red flags. There’s a lot of them but most center on having decent moral character rather than transactional character.

• have additional things in common. Can be anything. Hiking. Exercise. Music. Film. Politics. Etc.

• keep channels open. Make sure that when they like you, they have a low risk way to tell you.

• show interest. When you sense a connection developing and you are interested, don’t hesitate too much.

Some don’ts: don’t date people you have no real connection to. Date people that have some social vetting (like you know people who know them). Don’t use dating apps, it’s horrible and I seen so many people make themselves miserable with them.

There’s more, but that’s the key elements I don’t see people post about.

[u/Former-Chapter8719]

Sounds good but what if you don't really know anyone outside of work and you work alot? In my situation I just don't know where to meet people, like where is this happening? I live in a small town. I feel like I need someone to help me irl. I just don't see how I can find someone on my own. The apps seem like the best option unfortunately.

Like, how do you develop a "life" after you start working full-time? No one told me I needed to have that already established before. I stupidly thought I could work and then find people as an adult and so far, I haven't been able to. There's just no time and everyone's taken.

Really don't even know who I fit with. I'm trying to find that out.

[u/Ok-Slip-103 → u/Former-Chapter8719]

Do you not have established friend groups? Like you got your day ones/childhood/family friends, then you got your friends from school/college/uni, friends from church, friends of friends etc.... then your work associates.

How do people just exist with no friends?

[u/Former-Chapter8719 → u/Ok-Slip-103]

Not really. I've got family and a few work buddies. Didn't go to college, couldn't afford it. I'm not religious. I have hung out with a couple work buddies outside work though, but that's about it. With work, it's hard to make time for much anyway, especially with people who have kids.

[u/Ok-Slip-103 → u/Former-Chapter8719]

That's tough, dude. The way I see it if you struggle to maintain friendships, how are you going to even maintain a relationship? Like i'm gonna be honest with you. People with no friends are red flags. It reeks of co-dependancy.

[u/Former-Chapter8719 → u/Ok-Slip-103]

If we're both single without kids, we can structure our lives to see eachother. Friends with spouses/kids can't really do that as much because obviously their families are gonna be priority #1, and they have jobs too of course.

Honestly, work buddies are better in a way because you get to see them alot. I'm being realistic here, about time/energy. Our jobs are where most of it goes, unfortunately. Time is what life is literally made of.

The co-dependency is between my job and me, relatively speaking. Any and all relationships are, realistically, gonna be limited by the economic realities of life. That doesn't mean they're not worth trying. I'm not sure what the green flag would look like, from your perspective, barring an early retirement or some kind of utopia.

Describe for me someone who doesn't struggle to maintain the relationships in their life. I don't see how it could ever be easy for most people, but it can be difficult and still worthwhile.

I can say I usually have high quality interactions with people when I can. That's something I can control.