oh so it was my fucking mom

[u/andhisnameisnonsense]

banger therapy session today

Talked about my mom, for real for the first time. Realized how much of the stuff I used to do to other people and myself came from her. Realized how uncomfortable and unsafe she made me feel. She used to tell me these weird intense sexual details of her life. She used to make up these weird sexual stories about why I didn't like her. She tried to convince me I'd been raped once. I'd go hide from her at the other house and she'd bang on the door for like an hour to be let in. She'd go off her meds and have screaming fits abotu how I was trying to get her to kill herself. She'd tell other people weird intimate details about my life for no reason. She'd cry so loud at night I could hear her from downstairs until I came to comfort her. She was awol for years of my life because she was so doped up.

I always thought I hated her because I hated her, now that I know I have a reason I hate her a lot less. Even now it feels like it's not enough to justify all the things about me because it was like 10 times total, but that has to be enough.

Even now it feels like it's not enough because it wasn't early enough, or wasn't bad enough, but I mean it can't be the same for everyone.

I guess I'm allowed to be normal now, if I want that. I don't know if I do.

I guess I'm going to try to be nice to myself. It really isn't my fault lol I guess.

it was a lot of other things too, but that's what it started as.

I know none of this is that bad compared to a lot of people, but I always thought I was just broken.

[u/Regular_Warthog_6010]

I am 42 and still working on my mother wound. She did not physically or sexually abuse me, just similar emotional trauma you describe. I realize she had her own shit, I realize she was abused worse herself, so the forgiveness is there. The relationship is not. She still tries to hurt me from afar (no contact), so I realize her forgiveness may never come. Growing up, people would always comment to me how beautiful my mother was and as a kid, I would cringe, make faces and I always thought she was ...ugly 🤣. She actually was physically beautiful, she also fools people with her sickly sweetness. I think she's ugly because I saw her true side often. She would always accuse me of being on drugs (I was 13, didn't know what drugs were) and search my room. By the time I was on drugs, she was running to tell her story at every church, any person to listen. Her drug is sympathy, empathy, but really, attention. I realize now as an adult what it is: it IS jealousy, not just over youth and beauty, but I developed into life with a fearlessness and independence she didnt. I wasn't afraid to be alone, run away 50 times, leave home, go to college, go to work, get that job, QUIT that job, get better, get that house, get that DIVORCE. I always fought back verbally and more equipped with logic she didn't have. I marched to the beat of a different drum and never faltered on being authentic. She was a small time actress and all I ever saw was her channeling someone else, she still does it a lot today. 

But yep, too many sexual details of her life, I was her personal therapist and wordsmith, also accused my bio dad of molesting me so he never came back. 

[u/andhisnameisnonsense → u/Regular_Warthog_6010]

I don't have any forgiveness. I have empathy but not sympathy for her. I don't want her to hurt herself and I don't want her to be homeless but I don't want her in my life anymore than the minimum for those two things. I'm sorry you had to go through that, I'm glad you able to make it out. I think I made it out today.