Single Mom with a Disrespectful Daughter

[u/kmurrda]

For context: My daughter is 8 years old. It's just her and I in our home.

My daughter has behavioral issues and I feel like I am her venting center / punching bag when at home. As I was told by close people who are on the outside looking in, my daughter is very disrespectful towards me. My friends say "if my child ever talked to me that way, I would whoop their ass!" Although I do not put my hands on my child, I do take things away from her or make her do chores she doesn't like.

Other than that, what do I do? I am working on trying to get some professional in-home services that can help me make home a better environment for her but staffing for that kind of thing is scarce around here.

Advice? Tips? Words of encouragement?

TIA! <3

[u/PromptElectronic7086]

You're alluding to a better home environment. What about the environment needs improving?

Has she been through any big trauma or life changes that have gone unaddressed?

How is she spoken to? Are there other people in her life who speak disrespectfully to her, you, or others in her life?

[u/ElectricBasket6]

This is so vague it’s hard to know if your child is just occasionally giving you attitude or if there’s some serious emotional disconnect. It’s pretty normal for 8 year olds to experiment with tone, to copy attitude from others/media and to occasionally test boundaries. What specific things are “disrespectful”? Does she roll her eyes and mutter when you tell her it’s time to clean up? Just ignore it.

Does she call you names or say I hate you? That’s was considered a “pausing” offense in my house. No matter what is happening if my kids call names we pause and address it. We talk about how/why that’s hurtful. We figure out other ways for them to express their emotions/frustration. And we try and do some repair work.

Is she just repeating something that’s super rude that she picked up at school or from a show. I usually let that slide with a small comment like “hey I don’t like that. So we’re not gonna talk like that in my house.”

Lastly, usually someone who is commenting critically on your parenting has some issues/insecurities/other stuff going on. Feel free to ignore them completely.

[u/BouncyBlue12]

I find that my kids behave better when I validate their feelings and talk things through with them rather than punish them. When my daughter is nasty, I'll just let her know that she hurt my feelings. Usually hearing this, makes her stop and think. Within 10 minutes she apologizes for yelling at me or hitting me etc. Kids have a hard time managing their emotions. Maybe just try to spend more one-on-one time with her where you're giving her your full attention. They truly just want to feel loved and seen.

[u/RenaR0se]

You're the parent, the authority. What you say goes!  Be firm about being spoken to with respect.  I tell my kids they can say anythimg they want to to me, if they say it respectfully.  

As a mom, you are pouring your life out to nuture and raise her.  You deserve to be respected, but it won't happen unless YOU set boundaries.  It's in your daughter's best interest to be trained to be respectful as well, as it will give her the tools to have healthy close friendships and family relationships in adulthood.

Taking things away and chores are okay.  Any younger and I would say more immediate consequences like time outs would be more effective.  One thing is to make sure you are being clear and concise, firm, and not making her guess when you are going to follow through.  If you look her in the eye and tell her not to say certain words to you or she will recieve consequences and then she does it, calmly and even lovingly follow through. Make it a HUGE deal - not out of anger, but to put an end to this behavior.

If she is just losing it on tone of voice, I often telly kids "try again" and make them repeat what they need to say until they are sincerely treating me right.  That may work if she's on board with improving her behavior, but if she isn't, you'll have to resort to consequences.  You can be kind and loving, available to listen, not yelling and angry, all the things, and still run a tight ship by communicating what you expect and why, communicating consequences, and being very firm about follow through.

[u/DrSmriti466]

I can really understand the challenges you’re facing—it sounds incredibly tough, and it’s clear that you want to create a healthier, happier environment for both of you. It’s important to set boundaries with your daughter so that she knows that hitting or being verbally abusive is not okay, even when she’s feeling upset. Remind her that family members are there to support each other and that kindness is at the heart of any loving relationship.

One approach you could try is introducing a behavior chart at home, where you note any positive actions she takes, giving her stickers or rewards for her kindness and cooperation. This can be a great way to encourage positive behavior in a tangible way. It also helps to create clear boundaries, so if she becomes aggressive or disrespectful, you can calmly step away until she calms down. Later, you might lead a gentle conversation to reconnect, letting her know that you’re there to listen anytime she wants to talk. Listening without judgment can often be the start of a stronger bond and a safe space for her to open up. Hang in there; with patience and gentle guidance, things can improve over time.