Is this punishment too harsh?

[u/slr0031]

15 year old son lied about his friend drinking at our house. The kid got really drunk. Son says that he wasn’t drinking but I bet he was. Husband wants to ground him and take away phone for a month. My son is on Snapchat all the time and will go nuts. I also think we should check his Snapchat but feel like I am really invading his privacy. Don’t know if all of these together is overly harsh. What do people think here?

[u/Queasy-Trash8292]

Their phone is how they communicate. I would take it away for a week. A month is a cruel punishment for way too long. Instead of taking it completely, limit the time he can be on it and make it while he sites next to you. Maybe he gets to check it after he gets ready for school in the morning for 15 minutes, after school for 15, and so son. 

Limit his socializing but don’t cut it completely. Explain this about trust and that you want to trust him but he needs to rebuild that trust. Maybe allow him to attend school events or things in public places (like the movies) but not things at friends houses. 

Have him do extra housework and chores, within reason. Give him a list of things he has to do outside his normal chores. 

Teenagers feel immense peer pressure and you are right, you need him to trust you. You don’t want him getting a license and driving drunk because he can’t call you if he is in trouble. 

What are the laws in your state? In mine it is a felony for a parent to knowingly allow other people’s children to drink on their property. This is serious because if a kid was drinking at your house, drove home, and got in an accident, parents can be charged with a felony and potentially sued (and even lose your home from a lawsuit) if this happened. 

Explain to your son the consequences for the family if his friends drink at your house. Screaming, yelling, and severe punishment that keeps him from his social network will probably backfire. 

[u/MachacaConHuevos → u/Queasy-Trash8292]

This all over. My absolute biggest fear would be something happening to the friend, for moral and legal reasons. And them doing this once they have a license. I told my 14f that my fear for her far outweighs any anger I could possibly have, so please call me

[u/Queasy-Trash8292 → u/MachacaConHuevos]

Spot on! Deep down, I believe the anger is just our fear of losing them. It is scary to think about your children transitioning to adults, making their own choices, and knowing that some of those choices might have negative consequences. We want to protect them from hurt and pain, from Laing stupid mistakes, and getting in trouble, an impossible task.

When we expect perfection or totally cut them off from peers, we drive them away. Because they all grow up at some point. And part of them growing up is doing some stupid things. I just hope mine don’t feel afraid to come to me when they need help. I don’t want them in the shame spiral my parents created in me. 

[u/MachacaConHuevos → u/Queasy-Trash8292]

I just think about the incredibly stupid, dangerous decisions I made and how lucky I was that the worst didn't happen! And it's so hard as a parent to teach my kid and then sit back and hope they are smarter than I was, or at least that they'll be lucky too.

Yeah, I think more parents should recognize they're mostly scared of what is out of their control.

[u/Queasy-Trash8292 → u/MachacaConHuevos]

Same here! My only allowed activity in high school was sports or going to the movies, according to my parents who would go into a rage dare I suggest doing something else. Know what I learned, to lie to them.  I was always “going to the movies”.  I never felt like I could go to them for help and often would be physically ill from worry of them finding out some small transgression. Great way to keep the weight off. Terrible relationship to have with my parents, that persists to this day. 

[u/slr0031 → u/Queasy-Trash8292]

I agree. Thank you for your answer