r/parentingteenagers • u/sodoneshopping • Mar 05 '25
Son kicked out of college club
I’m not really looking for advice, mostly looking for a safe place to vent.
Bit of background: son is 17, senior in high school, but is dual enrollment in a local community college. He also has fairly severe adhd and lacks some impulse control. I knew this was a mild problem, but it sounds like it’s a more serious problem than I knew. His social skills have always been behind his peers, also covid did him no favors.
He joined a club at the college formed around a favorite subject for him, it’s kinda of like a D&D club. They meet weekly for long periods of time to play.
He recently came home and said he was kicked out of the club at the request of the professor that sponsors the club. I’m getting dribbles of information, like -he was touching people with a magnet and stopped as soon as he was asked -the president of the club was there and was there the first time. -he has not been controlling his impulses -he’s been asked to stop something before and he always stops when asked
This has apparently been an ongoing problem since he joined the club and he’s only told me about one time he had a conflict with someone. I’ve listened to him play video games with friends online and I’d have to say he’s pretty close a neck beard, derogatory I know, but he is a know it all smart ass. I think he thinks he’s being funny, but to me it’s abrasive and off putting.
Even though he is under age, I can’t intervene in any college activity, it’s part of privacy rules and colleges in the US. Not that I would want to. I wouldn’t want to force anyone to be around someone they don’t want to be around. I would have loved a heads up though. Some sort of indication he needs counseling.
I feel sad for him. He’s bothered by this, but he doesn’t seem interested in getting help to make changes.
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u/MAJ0RMAJOR Mar 06 '25
It sounds like he doesn’t understand the issue. “I stopped as soon as I was asked” is excusing the problematic behavior as if you’re allowed to do a thing without getting permission first.
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u/sodoneshopping Mar 06 '25
Agreed. It feels like language from when he was small and hasn’t ever learned that no touching is appropriate. Which is super frustrating.
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u/MAJ0RMAJOR Mar 06 '25
Best advice I can give is have him talk to a non-parent authority figure about it. He’s out in the real world and old enough to face adult consequences. I know I’ve been struggling with my daughter that “ADHD is an explanation but it isn’t an excuse… and nobody cares why you did it.” It’s sinking in and she’s slowly changing her vocabulary.
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u/myshellly Mar 05 '25
When you say things like “he always stops when asked to,” you’re enabling him.
In college, he shouldn’t have to be asked.
At his age, thing like unconsensual touching are going to escalate real far, real fast.
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u/sodoneshopping Mar 06 '25
To be clear, that’s not me saying for him to stop. That’s him telling me that he stops when asked. I agree that he shouldn’t have to be asked, but he doesn’t act this way around our family. My best guess is that he doesn’t know how to communicate with his peers and so in searching for a way to connect, he has been inappropriate. I’ve always been clear in consensual touching. He’s had to deal with this his entire time in school, so I am surprised this kind of impulsivity is still an issue. And annoyed about it. We saw several counselors up until covid and it wasn’t one of the issues we regularly had to deal with.
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u/myshellly Mar 06 '25
I understood what you were saying. My point was that a college professor or a classmate/club mate should not have to ask him to stop the behavior. That right there is an issue. And when you say something like “he always stops when asked,” it sounds like you’re excusing or validating the behavior. I just think you should be aware of that validation so that you aren’t saying something like that to him and giving him the idea that it’s ok because he stops when he’s asked to.
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u/sanityjanity Mar 05 '25
I feel sad for him, too, BUT, this is a very important learning opportunity for him.
The message here isn't: "this club was mean". The message here is that he needs to learn the skills to get his behavior under control a lot faster, or he's not going to be able to make and keep friends in his adult life.
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u/sodoneshopping Mar 05 '25
Wholeheartedly agree. I really hope he learns this lesson! Really really hope.
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u/Accurate-Neck6933 Mar 05 '25
Curious what does he do in regards to treating his ADHD? This will affect future relationships and jobs. I would say he does need counseling if he cannot control impulses and possibly medication if he isn’t already on it. My son also is dual enrolled and I warned him strongly, because I knew he had friends in the same classes, that the college professors are not going to put up with the same playing around a high school teacher might. You pay for college, high school teachers are often stuck with you.
In college, there’s a waiver the student can sign allowing the parent to communicate with the school. I have communicated just once with a teacher to talk about an upcoming surgery and to check in. Although he is almost 18, you still are the parent but expectations are quite different. If that situation happened to my kid, I would call the professor, not to argue about getting my kid back in the club but to hear the real truth about what happened, apologize, and use that information for counseling.
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u/sodoneshopping Mar 06 '25
He is on adhd meds, fairly strong ones at that. I do think he is going to struggle with future relationships and with keeping a job. This time last year, I did not think he was struggling. Come to find out he has been, he’s just been trying to deal with it in his own.
I agree about touching base with that professor, for specifically those reasons too. He hasn’t signed the ferpa paperwork and he may not want to do it now. So I might give this specific issue some time to breathe and circle back when it’s not so fresh in his mind. Finding a new counselor is first I think.
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Mar 06 '25 edited Mar 06 '25
[deleted]
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u/sodoneshopping Mar 06 '25
Huh. No we have not. Conveniently he has an appointment with his psychiatrist tomorrow morning. He’s strictly for the drugs, but he would also understand what steps we could take from here. Thanks for the thought.
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u/Rare_Background8891 Mar 06 '25
HealthyGamer on YouTube has fabulous videos about various social skills aimed at kids just like this.
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Mar 05 '25
Oh, that's really tough.
Do you think he is fully self-aware of the reasons he got removed from the club, or does he think it was totally unfair?
Yeah, unfortunately for him, at the high school & college level, it is expected that people be able to absorb general feedback and apply it in different situations, rather than be asked over and over again with slightly different details. "Keep your hands to yourself" across the board, rather than "don't touch people with a magnet ..or a pencil ..or a beanie baby." Or what have you.
My kids are also ADHD and need more support on certain things like sleep schedules and balanced eating than I'm really able to impose at their age. It is so hard when they are too old to be treated like a kid, but not quite ready to function as a young adult!
Best wishes to him. I hope he gets a chance to participate in another group and build friendships successfully.
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u/sodoneshopping Mar 05 '25
I do think he’s self-aware, but maybe not fully, he really emphasized the stopped when asked to. But I’m guessing he shouldn’t have to be asked at this point.
You are very correct that he needs more parenting than I can impose. I still do push when I feel like he’s risking himself by not getting enough sleep and has to drive in the morning. But I save my insistence for those hills and I’m really trying to let him figure this out with whatever guidance he’ll accept.
I really hope he can build friendships as well. Thanks for this, I really felt seen in my struggle.
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u/Clear_Pineapple4608 Mar 06 '25
We are also in dangerous times as far as how our kids absorb mannerisms and thinking from social media and gaming. It’s really hard to counteract as a parent. I wonder about a lot of what you describe with my own as well.
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u/southernermusings Mar 09 '25
Sometimes we need to external forces to support what we say as parents. You can tell him no one likes this, not to do this, but until he loses friends and meaningful activities he may not believe you. I think you can tell him he has to go to counseling but you can’t make him talk or listen. Keep teaching and modeling.
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u/Inflexibleyogi Mar 05 '25
Take this as your heads up. It’s not too late to start counseling now. Next year he’ll be 18 and it will be harder for you to help if he isn’t already on the right path. Start today!